When the Sorrow is Too Much to Bear
Previous chapter: "She Touched Tomorrow with Her Prayers"
Deena's Story – written by Susan Schiller following a life story interview
Trigger Warning: This is a "pushing back the darkness story" – one of the "True Love Prevails: 100 Stories". There is a mature theme, but if you look beyond the horror you will see incredible brilliance shining through the woman I am calling "Deena" here, which is not her real name.
I was 5-years old when the government placed my brothers and sisters and I in the custody of the Catholic church, the Holy Rosary Mission. They took our real names and re-named us with "Christian" names. They cut our hair.
Every night the nuns would come into our bunk room and choose 30 "volunteers". We always tried to protect the innocent children, for we couldn't bear to think of them losing their innocence. I had already been violated, so I volunteered in place of my siblings.
We kept diaries, and in my diaries I count being raped 249 times while in school. Both the nuns and the priests raped us, 30 children every night. If one of the kids got pregnant she was shipped to a different place and we never saw her again. God protected me; I never got pregnant.
Grandmother put feet to her prayers and got a job at the school. She made fresh bread for us, too. When we were outdoors in the yard she would get as close to the fence as possible and all of us kids would swarm around her. There, she would tell us the stories of our people. And she would speak in Lakota, our own language.
She knew if the Church succeeded in erasing our identity that the future of her entire family would end in that generation.
At lunch, we would all gather in the cafeteria. The nuns brought out Grandmother's fresh bread. It was the only good food I remember eating, but in the ongoing effort of trying to dehumanize us, the nuns would break up the bread and throw it in pieces to the floor. Then they would scream for us to eat.
We had to crawl on the floor to eat Grandmother's bread.
People look at my life and are devastated by what I went through… but I look at my life and I’m so glad. I’d scream the name of Jesus in the midst of being beaten. He is always there. He did get you through those things.
God wants us to see the things beyond ourselves. Don’t look at the circumstances in front of you. We have to go beyond that.
Will any of us ever be there? No, because it will be a learning process. But if we knew everything, where would be? We wouldn’t need God.
When my spirit goes to be with Jesus, I think, how glorious to have this love forever and ever and ever. You’re never going to feel any of this anymore, the flesh is gone now. But our love, wisdom, and understanding will be continuous.
One day all the pain will no longer exist. Those things bless me, to know that one day it will just be the spirit and not the flesh.
So many times we forget it’s not about this world, this body, our things…. It’s about God. You look at the outward and people don’t understand. It’s like being in complete sync, in worship, and you are the ones that are worshiping, who will outline the body of God.
You are the body of Christ. God wants us to be all spirit and no flesh.
It was a process of turning my life over to Him. My whole life was the process.
As long as the flesh is still living and breathing on this earth, you still have to keep giving your life to Christ; it’s not a one-time give-all process.
It's new mercy every day. It doesn’t mean that every day we go out and do the bad things and get away with it, but He’s knows it’s going to happen. And so there is mercy. We keep walking.
We are perfect in Him, and through Him, but we are never perfect without Him.
Sometimes I just want to go and be with Him, but I remind myself, “It’s not about me. It’s not about us separate, individuals… it’s about the people who are still lost. Everyone that does not make it will suffer without Him."
My mother’s husband at one time (my youngest sister’s dad) was raping me and my mother walked up the stairs and left. I was older so things started to come into play where I felt myself becoming lost. Even 10 years after he was dead, the hatred for him was still so strong in me.
I looked at my heart and I got down on my knees and begged for hatred to be lifted. It was not “Take the abuse away” it was “Take the hatred away.”
So this is how you get through times when the sorrow seems too great to bear:
- You look beyond the circumstances, to the place in the spirit where there is Hope.
- You look to your own heart, not your enemy's, and you ask God to lift negative forces.
- You remember who you are. You remember your purpose and the mission God gave you for this world.
- You pray until you feel connected to God.
This is how my grandmother survived… she knew the Truth.
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Grandmother stayed in the background, always watching and praying. She was so focused and so filled with God's Spirit there was nothing that could take her focus off of God and off of praying.
She would say, “At those prayer times I was so filled with the Spirit that there was nothing that could separate me from God. It was connecting with his heart. Nothing in the world could pull you out of that.”
She never spoke English with me. She always spoke Lakota. She did not want me to forget. She talked about the spiritual side of our lives. Always, this world is less important than the spiritual world.
You can't always change every circumstance in your life. Other people make choices that affect you. But you can change the way you view those circumstances. You can let them make you a greater person.
I believe I survived because of what Grandmother taught me. Lots of kids didn't make it. Especially the boys. They just couldn't take the rapes and the abuse. There were lots of suicides. There's still a high suicide rate at Pine Ridge Reservation.
I survived, but it's still a day-to-day walking out of these truths. There are a lot of days when I'm just looking for the ending of my story. But I know there is a purpose for my life and there are still a lot of people who need to be encouraged. They are lost and dying, even if their bodies are healthy. And like my grandmother before me, I keep living for my children and grandchildren. It's for them, that I live and write.
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All my love,
Sue
Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate her way out of hell to a rich and satisfying life. In her lifetime, Susan has served in duties ranging from home school mom – to pastor – to full-time deliverance minister – and to Midwest regional prayer coordinator for a large international ministry. These days you can usually find Susan soaking in her favorite hot springs pool, reading a book (or several), blogging, baking bread, or hanging out with her family and friends. You can get a free copy of Susan's upcoming book, "On the Way Home" by registering here.
Copyright 2012, Susan Schiller, http://TeamFamilyOnline.com. For reprint permission for any commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
This is just unimaginable. But what a beautiful ending. I love knowing that people have found a way out of the mess, and to a bless that gives them peace.
It is way beyond my ability to imagine, as well, Keri. When I did the interview, I could sense right away that she is a truly authentic person – someone who is able to see right into the core of other people, too, because she, herself, is so real. No masks, no airs, just the real deal. It’s rare that you get to see a soul so pure, so free. It’s not that she doesn’t have challenges, even severe ones, as we all encounter in this world… but they don’t drag her down.
Thanks so much for reading, Keri – you are one of those special people, too, who can see right into the core 🙂
Susan
No words… just…no words. but God who restores, renews, refreshes, heals, and loves beyond measure.
There is so much wisdom in D’s story… along with courage, faith, and real love. This is only a small part of her story, but in each segment of her life story you just want to hug her and FIX what was done all wrong against her… but she is so very happy and joyful in her faith. She has no regrets. It’s not very often you get to meet such a great woman, and yet not many see her greatness. She lives in obscurity and poverty today.
Only God can make beautiful things from the ashes. Amazing how much a Restorer He is.
Somehow uncomprehensible as to what is happening all over the world in the name of Religion. How strong a Woman of God your friend is, drawing from her upbringing and not giving up to bring the message of God's Love.
Yes, Gertraud, it is impossible to understand, isn’t it? There is so much more than happened to her, and you would think she would have lost her faith, but still she lives strong in spirit. She is easy to overlook, for she lives in poverty and obscurity, but her spirit is far greater and bigger than many people who preach from national and international stages. She is one of the most authentic people I’ve met.
Oh dear Susan, my heart breaks each time I learn a bit more of your story, yet I rejoice at the same time over your victories that could have only come from Jesus! I keep wanting to fix it by giving you something to remind you that you were NOT alone & forgotten in those awful moments. I’m so blessed by your faith in KNOWING God had/has such wondrous plans for you. I continue to lift you to His throne, dear one! Thank you for sharing your story.
Oh Cyn, this is not my story – it’s a life story interview of a woman named “D” that I wrote a couple years ago. I know your prayers are touching her life, and she surely needs as many prayers as she can get, for she is always praying for others and takes very little heed to herself. Thank you on behalf of D, Cyn… and thank you for your deep well of compassion and love! 🙂
What an amazing continuation to this story! And what a strong, powerful, God-fearing woman!!! Looking beyond our circumstances to what God is going to do through it can make all the difference in the world. Thank you for sharing Diane's story with us.
I’m trying to “look beyond” right now, this evening…. sometimes it’s not easy!
oh my Susan, what a story…I almost don't know what to say. l have been in a bordingschool with nuns myself, but not experienced what this girl experienced. How can people survive certain things without God? There was such hope in that girl, just increadible. It's a good thing to think on stories like these when we think our life isn't going that well. I felt I was drawn into a movie or something Susan; it felt so real. Thanks!
Olga, you have led such a rich and amazing life! I hope you are recording your stories 🙂
My Lakota friend would never want to be remember for all the tragedies she has survived… instead she says, “We come to a point where we look in the mirror and say, “What kind of person am I? How will people receive me during my life? Will they look me and say that is a person who loves God with all her heart? Or someone who has suffered thru all those tragedies?”
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