Moonlight Escape, Part 8

 

Moonlight Escape, Part 8 ~  WeWriWa Snippet August 11

By: Susan Schiller Photo Credit   Previously: Part 1  Part 2  Part 3  Part 4  Part 5  Part 6  Part 7

Welcome and thanks so much for visiting today – your helpful comments have inspired me to keep writing and are helping me to improve – THANKS!

Synopsis: This is a true story that I'm slowly rewriting into fiction. Laura, whose name means "Victorious One," is dreaming in this segment, and discovering that her dream life closely parallels and links to her conscious life, supplying her with uncanny wisdom that fuels her journey to freedom.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

This week's 8 sentences…

"Dragon?" squealed Laura, almost ready to turn back. "What do you mean I have to slay a dragon?"

Suddenly the door flew open with a loud bang and in barged Dr. Gates. He was still wearing the unsightly apparatus that made him look like a biped rhinosaurus and the head gear emitted a flashing beam that impatiently scanned the white walls and floor. Even with the high-tech equipment the doctor was unable to see the 3D panoramic mural of sparkling light and vibrant colors – a Secret Place that functioned as a portal between worlds.

"Alyosha will explain everything!" shouted Josh just as Laura jerked her foot back, flipped around, and disappeared down the path. She stopped to peek backward every few paces, and grinned with satisfaction as Gates hurdled into the hallway, nearly knocking over his assistant who was barking orders into a hand-held radio.

(Thanks to Millie Burns for help with editing! ) To be continued…

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

The 8-Sentence Weekend Writing Warriors Blog-Hop Challenge: Each week, participants sign up HERE at WeWriWa, then post 8 sentences of their work, published or unpublished, to go live between 12:00 noon Saturday, and 9:00 AM Sunday EST.  Then we visit each other, read, comment, critique, encourage–all those great things that do a solitary writer's heart good.

{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

Teresa Cypher August 11, 2013 at 7:57 pm

Very good excerpt, Susan! It seems like she is learning from her dreams. This is such an intriguing story–especially since it's based on true events. I'm with Sue Ann. I want to see her get away. ๐Ÿ™‚

Reply

Susan Schiller August 11, 2013 at 7:59 pm

Thanks so much, Teresa… she's only at the very beginning of her escape, but I appreciate you reading and sharing! ๐Ÿ™‚

Reply

Caitlin August 11, 2013 at 6:56 pm

Well, they don't want her to do much! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Love the dragon-slaying quest, and the doctor who's trying to see something that's beyond him.  Science and magic always make for a fun mix.

Reply

Susan Schiller August 11, 2013 at 7:53 pm

Hi Caitlin, science and magic do make for a good story, I agree! Thanks so much for reading and sharing ๐Ÿ™‚

Reply

Marcia August 11, 2013 at 5:40 pm

Well she's got her work cut out for her! I'm always interested in how difference writers handle dreams in their fiction and yours is definitely interesting.

One question: did you use the spelling "rhinosaurus" as an intentional blend of rhinoceros and dinosaur? It could work if you did ๐Ÿ™‚

Reply

Susan Schiller August 11, 2013 at 5:48 pm

You know, Marcia, this is the first I noticed the spelling of rhinosaurus! I’m going to have to think about that one, for you’ve raised a very interesting picture – THANKS! ๐Ÿ™‚

Reply

Elaine Cantrell August 11, 2013 at 4:16 pm

The dragon really got my attention. I'm hoping this time she'll get away.

Reply

Susan Schiller August 11, 2013 at 4:35 pm

Thanks, Elaine… her escape is through confrontation … her journey is only beginning. I appreciate you – and good luck with your book tour! ๐Ÿ™‚

Reply

Susan Stuckey August 11, 2013 at 3:46 pm

Awesome snippet – wonder if Dr. Gates is her dragon?? Can't wait to read more. Some very good stuff here. Great #8.

Reply

Susan Schiller August 11, 2013 at 3:49 pm

Yes, you’re on to the heart of it, Susan… good job! I appreciate you ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks, also, for taking time to read and comment!

Reply

Sue Ann Bowling August 11, 2013 at 11:20 am

I like the rhino-dragon description. One comment: If this is Laura's POV she does not disappear. She runs and others dissapear behind her.

Reply

Susan Schiller August 11, 2013 at 1:00 pm

That’s a great observation and just what I needed, Sue, because I was wondering that as I wrote it… knowing that she can still see between both worlds and would be worried about Josh. I need to tighten that up and your feedback is perfect – THANKS!!! I do hope you are feeling stronger and stronger and I look forward to reading your snippet ๐Ÿ™‚

Reply

Cindy Amrhein ( @historysleuth1 ) August 11, 2013 at 10:21 am

Interesting. So she popped into this dream world because of the doctor's experiment? I'm ver curious. Which is good. The reader should be intrigued. Like that you took Mille's advice and tightened it up. It gave it more of a I'm-out-of-here feeling. Always something new to learn in writing. Glad you are up for the challenge, I think this story is an interesting idea.

 

(No snippet for me this week. Just doing a little reading between other stuff.)

Reply

Susan Schiller August 11, 2013 at 2:23 pm

How can I thank you enough, Cindy, for coming by and reading today! You’ve helped more than you know – thanks! ๐Ÿ™‚

Reply

Lauren Smith August 11, 2013 at 8:10 am

Great eight! I love how you open it with a catching line about slaying a dragon!

Reply

Susan Schiller August 11, 2013 at 2:24 pm

Thanks so much for reading and sharing, Lauren! ๐Ÿ™‚

Reply

Millie Burns August 10, 2013 at 8:23 pm

Susan, I love the relationship of Laura and Josh!  It's so endearing.

I have one humble (just my opinion) critique for this snippet.  I would get rid of the words instinctively and soundlessly.  Many times when we use adverbs in writing, they can be deleted and it makes the story tighter and nothing is lost.  Laura just jerking her foot back shows it is instinctual (self preservation)…and disappeared soundlessly can be one word…slipped.

Reply

Susan Schiller August 10, 2013 at 8:44 pm

Millie, thank you tons for this advice – I deeply appreciate you! ๐Ÿ™‚

Reply

Millie Burns August 11, 2013 at 1:04 pm

Of course : )  That's what we're all here for right?  To know what works, and what can be even better.  Have a really great day!

Reply

Susan Schiller August 11, 2013 at 2:38 pm

๐Ÿ™‚ – absolutely!

Reply

Princess Shimari August 6, 2013 at 5:15 pm

Very graphic. I have not read the previous entries, but it looks to be an interesting story. 

All the best. 

Reply

Susan Schiller August 6, 2013 at 7:37 pm

Thanks so much for your kind words, Princess!

Reply

Gertraud Walters August 6, 2013 at 11:29 am

Looks like I missed a few. How comes?

Reply

Susan Schiller August 6, 2013 at 11:52 am

Hi Gertraud,

I usually post these with a group called “Weekend Writing Warriors” on Sundays… I’m just getting a little bit ahead, because we’re planning a boat trip. Previous snippets are linked at the top of the page –ย  thanks for stopping in!

Reply

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge

Previous post:

Next post:

2010-2016 All Rights Reserved. No information on this website has been evaluated by the FDA. The information presented is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Consult your physician before undertaking the suggestions on this site. Actual results will vary depending upon the individual and their commitment to the steps set out here. Testimonials are from real persons who are readers of this blog. Before using this site, please read our Website Agreement, which contains terms and conditions, plus our privacy notice. Disclosure of Material Connection: Some of the links on this site are โ€œaffiliate links." This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will add value to my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commissionโ€™s 16 CFR, Part 255: โ€œGuides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.โ€