From Widow Maker to Dream Maker

From Widow Maker to Dream Maker

By: Deborah White Dove

I had to identify my adversary: The Widow Maker. The Widow Maker stalked me, instigating a trio of negative forces to accompany me, throughout my life: Betrayal, Rejection, and Abandonment. Under the Widow Maker's tutlege, the trio of bandits made sure each time I reached my true calling – my destiny – there would be someone there to kill the dream.

Destinies can be aborted, dreams die… and that causes us to grieve. We are meant to nurture our dreams, for they lead us to our destiny.

The Widow Maker is my dragon, to slay. My marriage counselors told me I was the most abused woman they had met. The Widow Maker made sure of that, but no more, because I have named him. Naming him gives me the power.

Yes, he manifested in different people throughout my life. In facing reality, I had to recognize that my first husband threatened to mutiliate my body, put a bullet in my head, and then had the nerve to say, "Honey, you haven't done anything wrong; there's just something inside me that wants to hurt you."

My second husband used to pull me in the middle night for interrogations. After one such night, he said to me, "I don't want to divorce you; I just want to watch you suffer." That was just before he left me for the girlfriend who became his next wife, who he later left to marry another wife.

Survivors, in swapping stories, commonly exlaim, "We married the same man!" It's true, when you've been married to a sociopath, the same things happen over and over. You are married to the devil, who uses the same tactics with all of us. This not ordinary domestic violence; it's deeply spiritual and toxic to the soul.

Gaslighting, smear campaigns, terrorist tactics, are some of the weapons in The Widow Maker's arsenal to blame-shift, to accuse, and to condemn. It's a gradual process that often begins in childhood. Like the proverbial frog in the pot, most of us never hop out in time and we get scalded.

This kind of "marriage" is not a marriage. It's a deadly trap.

We escape by telling ourselves the truth.  Over and over, the Widow Maker has reminded you how worthless you are, how you always do everything wrong, and he always makes sure to use a little bit of truth, to make the lie stick like glue. We feel powerless, as a result.

The first step is to escape the "false reality" your abuser has created by naming the source of your abuse.

We NAME our ADVERSARY because in naming him, we gain power over him. I'm not talking about our spouse's name. I'm not saying we have to put our abuser's name in public view. It's not that kind of name.

We have to deal with the abuse and the abuser, yes… but to get our lives back, we have to go to the source and name it.

We can't just call it "The Enemy" or "The Devil". "The devil made him do it" is not strong enough.

We must nail it on the head. What is in YOUR HEART that the devil wants to kill?

For me, it was my lifetime DREAM of being a WIFE  and MOM. That's what I wanted, more than anything, was to create a happy home! Intimacy, unconditional love, the pursuit of happiness in our family life was my greatest dream. I loved being a wife and mom, more than anything in the whole world! That was my DREAM!

So I have named my enemy, THE WIDOW MAKER.

It would have been so much easier if my husband had died. Or if I had died. That kind of grief, although nearly unbearable, is normal. This kind of death is unique, because it's cleverly masked.

When you've been married to a sociopath there are multiple layers of deception, and at each level there is a separate grieving process.

You don't simply lose the love of your life. You also lose your identity. You lose your dream. You lose family and friends. You lose assets and income earning potential. You lose hope, because your brain is no longer functioning the way it's meant to work. You lose the ability to make wise decisions because your brain is neurologically impaired, due to deep mental damage and scars.

“Stab the body and it heals, but injure the heart and the wound lasts a lifetime.”  ~ Mineko Iwasaki

Worst of all, the people who could have and should have helped you, are blaming you, shunning you, and in the confusion, it feels like even God has left you for dead. There is no funeral, no sympathy cards, and no burial. You feel dead, yourself. You are empty of everything you once thought was good. Only deep grief remains.

In my journal, I wrote how it feels:

"Can anyone hear my silence? Can they hear my tortured screams behind closed doors? Do they see the bruises in my soul, so painful I am crying every day?"

 

Tagged as: Deborah White Dove, Getting Your Life Back, Voice of the Bride