Falling Apart – When the Grief is too Big to Bear
By: Kimberly Dimick
It is hard to explain to someone what it's like to give yourself permission to fall apart, to NOT be strong. It is more than this feeling of just letting go; it is the sense that giving up is the only option left.
For me, it was the realization that there was not one more thing I could do or not do that would make any difference at all. It was giving up on thinking I had anything at all within myself to keep going. It is more than letting something go and God somehow takes it out of your hand. I have felt that "yielding" before. That to me, was more like giving God something out of surrender and response to Him.
Giving up is beyond that. I remember one night I was outside in the van crying, hysterically, to the point of losing my breath. It was pouring out and the rain was coming down, as if I had parked underneath a waterfall. Suddenly, laying there in this pathetic and emotionally unbearable place, I said to God through the sobbing, "That's it! I can't do this, I can't cope with the onslaught of thoughts and feelings that consume me and will not shut up. I can not do this and I won't!"
Why I thought I could or I was supposed to did not matter anymore. I told God, "I give up and I don't care. I don't care about being a mother or about all the things I have to do. I don't care who thinks what about it."
Somehow, somehow, I cried out in this brokenness…."I lay down now God, I just lay down. I collapse right here and I don't care if its wrong or right."
Out of nowhere, this peace came over me I have never, ever, ever felt. It was like God's tangible presence filled the car and not one thing could touch me. This calm came over my whole being but I was still aware of everything. I would have to say it was the most supernatural experience I have ever had in my life. This lasted for weeks. If i tried to get worried or anxious i couldn't. I literally could not. I wanted to hold onto that feeling more than anything I ever wanted.
It was weeks and then that sheer REST I felt dissipated but I was never the same person again. It felt like Psalm 23 came alive, where it says, "He makes me to lie down in green pastures."
I was still inside. It did not matter to God either that i threw in the towel. He didn't want one thing from me. I felt, in this strange way, God wanted this. That is all I could relate it too. It was like collapsing on this little piece of green grass and having not one thought of moving or getting up.
This experience happened to me after this dream I had years before. God is reminding me of that dream right now and perhaps, I don't know if this is stupid, but maybe God wants me share it with you.
I was crossing over a bridge in this car and then hurricane winds came up. I heard God telling me in the dream, "Get out, get out of the car." I somehow understood the car was too light in comparison to the force of the wind. I hurried to jump out of the car, and felt scared cause it was moving but i had to jump, there was no choice. I knew the force of the wind would pick the car up and hurl it off the bridge. So I got out and started crawling on the ground against the force of the winds. I crawled and crawled and crawled. I pushed with every ounce of strength I had. I remember feeling so utterly exhausted and could not push one more time. By the time I got to the end, I COLLAPSED in the midst of all the concrete of the bridge structure in this tiny patch of green grass. I gave up. I could not go any farther. I remember feeling SCARED because I thought, "Who is going to find me here passed out cold?"
Then it was like dreaming within the dream and in my mind I was thinking and going over everything that happened and how I ended up there. I knew the storm was not my "fault". I got caught in something beyond my control. I did not cause the storm. The storm was forced upon me and though I tried to do everything to survive it was too much for me. There would be nothing I could do to rescue myself.
The next thing I see in the dream is Jesus walk into the dream, dressed in Shepherd's garb and He picked me up and put me in the back of this ambulance that had pulled up. He caressed my face and smiled at me. I felt such peace and comfort. As the ambulance drove away with me in it, I saw the name written on it that read, "God's hospital". Jesus closed the doors and it drove off. The dream ended and I knew I would be all right.
This dream was everything I was feeling at the time but could not express. I was exhausted in every possible way a human being can be.
Dear heart, you are like this in this dream. You have crawled on your belly, pushing, pushing, pushing to get to the other side of the bridge of despair and grief you have been made to cross over. Your hands and knees are bruised and bloodied. Everything around you feels like an unrelenting brutal and harsh force beating against you. The wind won't let up. It won't stop, but inside you feel, if you stop, then you fear you too will just die right there and you can not take that chance.
And so, you keep going on whatever strength you can find. You feel if you collapse, that wind is certain to carry you away–and, so you keep going, going, going because you have to, you have to,you have to make it across. It is this survival mode that kicks in but it catches up with you, even though you feel you are trying to outrun its strength and force.
Then, like in my dream, your strength FAILS. You collapse. There is a sense that in making it across that bridge, in the middle of a hurricane, you do not even QUESTION collapsing. It just happens. You know you have gone as far as you can go. It is not something that one thinks about but the sheer exhaustion is too much.
This is NOT your fault. The storm is cruel. You are not strong enough, no match for this horrific ordeal. And, this is all right. It is all right to be weak and without any strength at all.
I also remember feeling terrified and fearful in my dream, as I thought, I will lay here alone, left for dead, if I collapse and give up. But, as soon as I did, Jesus showed up took and over and took care of me.
I am asking God to do the same for you. I pray that you UTTERLY collapse.
I pray Jesus shows up and comforts you. I pray you know that it is a normal response to the storm you have been though. It has taken every ounce of strength to make it as far as you have. I pray when you collapse, that you FEEL rescued. Yes, you will never be the same again, sweet one…
You are not the same as you were before the storm. But who you are now could never, ever be more beautiful to Jesus and to us.
I pray, sweetheart, that God does this for you, the way He did it for me.
Kimberly Dimick and her husband, Joshua Dimick, know how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and careers, and so much more. Together and separately they have walked the path of Love, a narrow path, a path that is lonely and not well-used.
They intimately understand the soul-shattering pain of separation and divorce and they also know "The Way Home" to a life of choosing unconditional love. The surprising answers to a happy marriage are shared in their posts, articles, and a book-in-progress.
As you venture on this journey with Kimberly and Josh you will experience how God shines His most brilliant light in their darkest hours. Today their mission is to provide a voice to women suffering in silence, shining the Light of Truth into the dark places of marital and spiritual abuse.