Beware of the Marriage Trap

Is it right for a victim to share the blame?

From the series, "The Way Home: Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife"

By: Susan McKenzie

"Pinned to the ground, anger boiled up from some deep pit inside of me, erupting in a terrible rage that jerked my child-size knee into a vulnerable place that knocked my attacker off of me. In that brief second of freedom I jumped to my feet and dashed down the street. Up ahead, not far away, I spotted a door leading into a store and I plunged right through, running straight to the cashier's counter.

I was out of breath, panting so hard I could barely breathe out the words, "Help me!" Just then, my attacker also lunged in right behind me. I watched the woman's eyes soften as she listened to the man who was sheepishly smiling, pretending to be an exasperated father with a wayward child. The woman glanced down at me, full of motherly concern.

"Now, dear, do behave for your father, won't you?" He was NOT my father! Suddenly, I felt his dirty hands on my shoulders, deftly turning my body toward the door. I craned my neck backward to the cashier, but lost all hope of refuge in this public store. I was once again in my captor's grip. Didn't the cashier see this man's black hands?"

This is a dream that I recorded in my journal… it symbolizes what most women married to a narcissistic/sociopathic husbands endure.

Their husbands are charming, charismatic, usually good-looking, well-respected in the community, and are generally well-loved. They are always willing to lend a hand, even sacrificially, to help people in need. They have all the right words to say. They are very gifted and are often "pillars of society" and the majority of them serve in careers that inspire trust, respect, and honor. They love to be the person people go to for advice, counsel, and encouragement.

Pastors, counselors, lawyers, doctors, therapists, car salesmen, and other such professions are some of the preferred career paths this type of person will pursue.

They love to do good. But when they are at home, behind closed doors, their true agenda emerges.

BEWARE THE MARRIAGE TRAP

As long as the spouse goes along with the "game" all is well. Even better, if she believes in the perpetrator, all is very well. But as soon as she catches on to the game, she is toast. Most of the time, the red and yellow flags show up shortly after the wedding vows are said. I call it, "The Marriage Trap". Most women learn to dodge the warning flags, learning to play a game they will never win.

The rules to the game of Marriage Trap are pretty much the same in every abusive marriage. The end goal is "subjugation". It will take form in economics, communication, all relationships, personal freedom, spiritual beliefs and practices, and so much more.

There may have been a real wedding with marriage vows, but this is not a true marriage.

The "trap" is that women so often blame themselves for the marriage dysfunction. We keep thinking, "if only we can do good enough they will finally love us." It never works, that way. We take on the responsibility for the marriage. We pull double-duty and work all the harder. Like addicts, there is sometimes a good enough payoff to keep us "standing for our marriage" – to keep us trying even harder. But it's all part of the game.

Most church leaders do not understand the dynamics of marriage to a sociopath or a narcissist. Not even most inner healing and deliverance specialists are able to help. What typically happens is the following scenario, a chapter from my own life story book:

After months of nightly interrogations, of being blamed for things I had not even thought of doing… a steady stream of threats and accusations… I finally "escaped to freedom" and visited my mom in Michigan. I was carrying many years of deep, yet invisible, wounds and scars in my soul.

I made an appointment with friends who I knew had been trained in a well-respected ministry of inner healing and deliverance. Arriving at their beautiful home, I was escorted into a spacious living room, and I thought to myself, "I'm finally safe!"

It felt so good to be in a safe place that tears began to well up in my eyes. They immediately told me not to cry.

The ministers began with general housekeeping, passing out neatly organized papers and pamphlets. For the first 15-minutes they discussed their fees and how important it was for the client to invest a significant amount of money into their own healing, otherwise the healing probably wouldn't work.

Over time, they had discovered that the clients who invested the most money in their healing were the ones who had the most progress.

I had already put a $150 check into an envelope marked with their names prior to arriving at the appointment, but I respected their need to discuss this aspect of their ministry.

Yet, in my heart I longed for them to search my eyes and to know how important this hour was to me. I had been isolated and separated from friends for several years, and I had just endured a long season of being sick, even to the point of nearly dying… and my husband had just left me… I was in (to my own assessment) a bleeding mess. I had just purchased 90-minutes of healing and I wanted every minute to count!

Their first question was, "What has brought you here, asking for healing?" I was familiar with that standard opening question, having been trained in a similar ministry. I replied, "My heart is bleeding out of control, my husband is using terrorist tactics to intimidate and control me, he threatened me, he told me that he wanted to watch me suffer and die, and then he abandoned me indefinitely to minister to hurting people, telling me that God told him to leave me behind."

It all gushed out of my mouth in between sobs of pain. I had been holding in my screams for several years. I had been holding everything in, being "Strong Sue" so that life could be somewhat normal for my children and granddaughter… so that other people's needs could still be taken care of. I had been the Lone Rancher, managing a ranch by myself for weeks at a time.

I had to be Strong Sue. And now, I was safe… in the home of friends… and I just needed that safe place to let it all out, even to scream, but I was told to be calm and quiet.

They asked me to please stop crying. Bringing out a large binder, they announced, "We'll talk about your marriage later. Right now we're going to help you take responsibility for your stuff."

Page-by-page, they interviewed me with all the standard questions going back to my childhood. I understood what they were doing, and had gone through all that many times before… but I submitted to their guidance.

I kept swallowing the pain back… and back… and back. Each time I shuddered with a silent cry, they quickly asked me a question about my family's sin patterns.

Finally, near the end of our session, both friends came and sat by my side, each of them with a hand on my shoulder, and they began to cast out demons, systematically, based on their notes. I cooperated by breathing in and breathing out, agreeing with their prayers… but mostly I was thankful for their hands on my shoulders.

I just needed to be touched! That's the way it is with complex post-traumatic stress. You just need a loving a touch, for the most part. You realize most people don't understand "Christian" home terrorism.

Marriage to a “Christian” sociopath or narcissist is like being held prisoner in a concentration camp, most survivors claim. They need to receive healing from people who are properly equipped to deal with spiritual realities.  Most Christians have no clue about these realities.

My own husband was trained by former Green Berets, or at least that is what he told me, and he was skilled in using terrorist tactics on me. If a woman goes for help to the Church she is likely to be further traumatized by sincere people who believe they are doing good, but in reality, are clueless about what she has been experiencing.

The very best thing you can do for a woman who describes the type of scenario I have just described: interrogations, threats, accusations, abandonment, smear campaigns, etc, is to just touch her,  just listen to her.

Most importantly, BELIEVE HER! Even if her husband appears to be the kindest, most charismatic, best preacher, a guy who would give the shirt off his back for you kind of man.

A man THAT GOOD would not have a wife crying her eyes out, in such deep pain that she is finally seeking help! Set aside your disbelief and for a few moments, allow yourself to believe her story. What if it's TRUE???

Let her feel love through your safe touches. Allow her to scream. Let her cry. You have no idea how long she has been "standing strong" for the benefit of her family. You have no idea how she has feared for her life, behind closed doors, while smiling in front of the church.

Chances are very high that there is a couple in your church right now – the "perfect couple" – who fits this scenario! There are living a double-life.

The wife has lived a double-life, yes, just like her abusive husband. But not with the intention of deceiving you… she was just trying to survive! She was trying to HOPE. She was trying to have FAITH. She was desperately trying to LOVE!

Pray for her heart. Let her know you care. Help her to get safe professional help. Encourage her to escape completely from the abuser. Give her a safe place to live. Chances are she has been cut off from finances. Help her to get help. Carry part of the load for her, for a time.

Unconditional love is the greatest healer.

She needs three things right now, that anyone can give her. You don't have to be a professional to do this for her:

1. Communicate: Let her tell her story. Let her cry, scream, and shout! Believe her. Encourage her to write it out.
2. Pray: Touch her as you're praying for her. Don't try to "deliver" her from demons. The demons will leave as soon as she feels safe and can detoxify from the poisonous atmosphere she's been breathing.
   
3. Create: Encourage her to find something creative to do: poetry, reading, art, music. Help her to "take a break" and create something beautiful.

Here are three DON'TS:

1. If you haven't been married to a sociopath or a narcissist, don't judge her. You have not walked in her shoes. You may think you know what happened to her but you don't know what she went through.
2. Don't try to help her to take responsibility for her portion of the "blame". Likely she did react wrongly at certain points, but now is not the time to address her possible sins. She's already blamed herself far more than is warranted – I guarantee it!
3. Don't tell her to to "SUBMIT" to her husband, as to the Lord. This misapplication of Ephesians 5 has entrapped more wives, even causing them to lose their souls, more than anything else. Help her to GET OUT of the abuse!
   

The majority of Christians today are like the nice cashier in the dream recorded in this article. But now that you are armed with this story, and hopefully more of the stories recorded in this website, you will be better equipped to spot the "black hands" and to help a victim escape and find real help.

For further research: Why Christian Abusers are the Worst Kind

Susan McKenzie knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and so much more. In a series of letters spanning more than two decades, God gave Susan "The Way Home,' through her personal daily journals to help her in exiting organized religion where she had served in duties ranging from pastor, inner healing and deliverance minister, and Midwest regional coordinator for a large international ministry. In the past decade Susan has been applying the truths she learned and is now publishing her journals for the first time.

If you've ever felt you lost your soul in the midst of a "successful" Christian lifestyle, "The Way Home" is for you! It's a practical guide via stories, poems, dreams and visions all in the context of real life stories. You can register to receive the newsletter, "The Way Home" right now by by clicking here! You will also receive a FREE copy of Susan's upcoming book, "The Way Home: Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife".

Copyright 2012, Susan McKenzie, http://TeamFamilyOnline.com. Permission is granted to copy, forward, or distribute this article for non-commercial use only, as long as this copyright byline and bio, in totality, is maintained in all duplications, copies, and link references.  For reprint permission for any commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan McKenzie.

 

Tagged as: Deborah White Dove, Getting Your Life Back, Losing it All and Starting Over, PTSD - post-traumatic stress disorder, Real People Real Stories, Rewriting the Future, Unbuckle Your Christianity, Writing a Life Story