What is a Sociopath?

What is a Sociopath?

By: Susan Deborah Schiller

I was married to a sociopath for 30-years. My marriage counselors told me I was the most abused woman they had ever met. In the course of gaining my freedom I have listened to the life stories of survivors and of sociopaths. Like many other survivors, the information we are providing is helping to equip counselors to deal with the aftermath of a pathological relationship.

The first step to freedom is naming your adversary, and that is what this page is about: Identifying what a sociopath is, how you can know if you are in a relationship with one, and what to expect when you take your first steps to freedom. A relationship with a sociopath is unlike any other relationship and needs special handling.

How can you tell if a person is a sociopath? Here's why it's tricky:

Many sociopaths are considered to be "pillars" of our community: doctors, pastors, lawyers, therapists. You will find one in every 25 people and they look just like you or me. Male or female, sociopaths commonly represent authority figures in our world, especially those in the "trusted" professions like "pastor" or "counselor". 

They are generally popular and the kind of person you want to vote for, whether in politics or church. They appear jovial and kind… as if they are the most caring person on the planet.

What you don't see or know, except behind closed doors, is that they don't really care about anyone but themselves. They are out to destroy you, if they can. You may be very creative and find joy in painting, poetry, or writing stories. They feel jealous of you so they find ways to cut you down. They might say things like, "You could never do ____." Or, "You're not good enough to be ____." The jealousy is rooted in deep insecurity, and only God can heal that wound.

A sociopath will make cutting remarks over and over so that even though you know it's not the truth, you slowly begin to doubt yourself. Gradually you begin to believe their words are true, especially if you live with a sociopath. Your diminished identity causes you to shrink your dreams, passions, and lifestyle, as a result of this level of attack against your core being.

If they've been allowed to get away with bullying you, they will grow bolder and bolder. They might threaten to harm your body, but what you might not realize is that they are already damaging your mind.

They ask a lot of questions, and even though you try to put up boundaries, they will smash down your boundaries with their persistent questions. Sometimes, they will take you for "interrogations" at times when they know you are weak, weary, and more vulnerable.

They need to know everything about you and your friends, too. Their motive is control and manipulation. Information is power. Words are their primary weapon, and all that you confide in them will be used against you.

They may borrow your money and never repay you. They may demand more and more money from you, using their "hard luck" stories to gain your sympathy. They will drain you empty, and turn it around to blame you for the loss.

They prefer to hold the purse strings. A sociopath is normally not very good at managing money. In fact, they may use your name to gain credit, take out loans, and harm your credit rating.

If you risk revealing what is happening to you, they will make your life more miserable. If you try to get away, they may threaten to harm you, or someone you love. It's one of the few promises that they intend to keep.

Sociopaths like to "keep peace" so they will promise and then "forget" or make excuses why they could not keep their promise to you. If you get angry or sad about how you are being treated, they will tell you that you misunderstood them, you're hyper-sensitive or you got it all backwards.

They will say things to make you feel like you are crazy. That's what is called gaslighting.

For example, your purse is missing, but you know you left it on the dresser in your bedroom upstairs. You ask everyone in the family to please help you find your purse. You thoroughly look through your bedroom, starting with the dresser. It's not there. A half-hour later, after everyone has been searching the house from top to bottom, the sociopath points to the bedroom and announces, "Your purse is on the dresser – didn't you see it?" In reality, the sociopath took the purse and later returned it to its place. The motive is to make you feel and look crazy.

They will act totally the opposite with other people, as they behave with you.

To other people they display their charming personality, going out of their way to help others. With other people around, they will even treat you special. They will be very sweet, and other people may exlaim how lucky you are to be with this person!

They will use your own family against you in devious ways – ways in which your family will think YOU are the one being unreasonable.

If you leave a sociopath, they may write letters using kind and forgiving language. They will share these letters with close friends, so that everyone knows how wonderful and willing they are to work on the relationship. You will be perceived as the one who is unreasonable and unwilling to preserve the relationship.

They love to play the martyr, and will portray themselves as the victim! They are persuasive and convincing actors. They make weak women swoon with their fake passionate devotion to you. They are already prospecting for their next victim, long before you realize it.

Even good people will appear to understand why the "martyr" must move on! You are "dead weight" to this marvelous human being.

You know the truth – that what they do and say is all for show. And a good show it is. Sometimes you believe them, even when you know better. The illusion is that good – I mean, it's really, really good!

At this point, with all the evidence against you and the sway of popular opinion, you may doubt your own sanity. In reality, your frontal lobe is increasingly being damaged. Your thinking is foggy and it's growing harder to make decisions.

Neuroscience helps to explain the physical aspects of why in the world we stay with these sociopaths! Your brain is addicted to the incredible high of being in their presence. Their toxic "love" is like heroine and you crave it.

You never felt so loved as in the beginning of your relationship with the sociopath. If only you could do or say something that would bring back the love! But it never was love. It was a sickness.

Sociopaths play "The Game" well. Like a cat toying with a mouse, they will toss you a tidbit of Hope. They will give you a "fix" of that love you so desire. It may last a week or even a few months! It will feel like a honeymoon! But then they revert to torturing your mind again.

Verbal assualts and emotional grendades that shred your soul until you are nothing but a shell of your former self.

After a few cycles like this you may feel shattered, as if you are dead inside. You sit amidst the jagged shards of your brokenness, a bleeding mess. You have no one to talk to, because no one understands.

Sociopaths are sick people. Their brains are physically different than yours. They cannot feel the harm they are doing – it does not affect them. They can only pretend to feel. They can only mimick being a true human.

One sign of this is "parroting". Their voice is like an echo of what others have said. They often don't have any original ideas or thoughts of their own. My ex-husband used to "harvest" my soul by pretending to be interested in what God was teaching me. Later, I would hear him using my own words in a sermon or in counseling someone, but giving me no credit. It's not the credit I wanted… it's just that year after year, you realize he has no interest in you except to prey on your soul… to harvest every bit of life out of you. Sometimes you just want to die, because it feels hopeless. No one around you understands!

"The Perfect Prey" is the story of one such relationship, that ended in death.

Sociopaths are sub-humans or what I call demon-possessed or extremely oppressed. It is possible for them to change, but very rare. It takes a crucifixion – they must choose to die to themselves. Their hearts must soften, at some point, to let Love and Truth – like Light – penetrate the darkness of all the lies. Just know, that you cannot possibly love them enough… you must get away, if you can. It's their opportunity to see the Truth. Our "love" too often shadows the doorway of their escape from hell.

Here are "10 Red Flags You May Be Marrying A Sociopath" if want to help yourself or someone you know be safe. If you're already married, and you question if the relationship is pathological, in "Did You Marry the Wrong Mr. Right?" I have listed some diagnostic questions you can ask yourself. If you believe you've been duped into a pathological relationship, I've written "Create Your Own Jailbreak" to give you some tips on what to expect in breaking free.

When children are involved, that's the most painful:

One small example (trigger warning): A sociopath often used to leave candy on my bed – my favorite kind. My children would see this as "love". Dad "loves" mom – they see the tangible evidence. They see Dad hugging mom, and mom squirming at his touch. What they don't see or hear, is that just prior to leaving candy on the bed for me, he has been describing my death in gory detail, and how enjoyable it would be put a bullet in the back of my head and watch my my body drop into a nearby rock quarry.

Hopefully not for you, but some of us have faced the loss of our childrenI was the silent accomplice to his deception, as I tried to shield the worst from the children, becoming the "shock absorber".

A sociopath paints his own self-portrait on you, projecting the image for all to see and agree that you are evil…. or crazy… or a heretic, if you don't keep silent and play the game. Likewise, we also project our self-portrait onto our sociopath spouses: We falsely assume they that if we can somehow manage to convey enough love, enough "reason" that they will begin to understand how we feel and stop the abuse. Nope, it never works!

The best thing you can do is to cut ties with someone like this, as cleanly and permanently as possible. The problem is, you likely have a "trauma bond" and your mind is chemically addicted. You're going to need some help!

The sociopaths in our lives may seem to get away with the rape and murder of our souls, but God is very angry with what is happening. Though it may seemed delayed, this is what is promised you:

If you look at God's justice system, which is based on righteousness, there is no doubt that your reward is coming to you.

Listen to David in 2 Samuel 22:

"He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters. He delivered me from my powerful enemies, from those who hated me and were too strong for me. They attacked me at a moment when I was weakest, but the Lord upheld me. He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because he delights in me. The Lord rewarded me for doing right; he compensated me because of my innocence."

I don't have time or space in just one blog post to share with you all the Hope there is for you, but I can tell you with confidence that you can be totally FREE! It's the storytellers who are helping to create the quickest escape route. Even doctors and therapists are learning from the survivors of sociopathic abuse today.

I will share you with a few of the same resources that helped me to recover my life:

If you've read this page all the way down to here, thank you. It's not easy talking about pathological relationships, but the more this darkness is explosed, the greater our power to release the captives.

We have enough victims; the world needs more champions, and that is why I write… because it's the right thing to do… because you never know what change-maker your story will ignite. I hope that catalyst for change will be you!

My Full Story     What I Believe    Contact Me

With all my love,

Sue

Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate to freedom and fullness.  

Today Susan helps people write their life stories, unearthing the treasures of their past and sowing them into their future, creating new family legacies.

Copyright © 2010 to 2016 Team Family Online, All rights reserved.   For reprint permission or for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller

“You have to write the book that wants to be written. And if the book will be too difficult for grown-ups, then you write it for children.”

– Madeleine L’Engle

– See more at: http://www.madeleinelengle.com/books/#sthash.20kKUznO.dpuf

“You have to write the book that wants to be written. And if the book will be too difficult for grown-ups, then you write it for children.”

– Madeleine L’Engle

– See more at: http://www.madeleinelengle.com/books/#sthash.20kKUznO.dpuf

{ 73 comments… read them below or add one }

kim August 29, 2016 at 2:32 am

Lots of truth and explaining but I still cant comprehend that some people have no emotions and can sleep at night after treating their loved ones so badly. Its actually getting harder not easier to accept all that has gone on bc now it really is real. Harold Bright my hart hurts and Im crushed that after two years you could do that to me and not even blink.

 

haroldbrighttookleon.wordpress.com

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david May 23, 2016 at 5:56 am

Good article.. I had a Sociopath in my life for Ten years, when I was in colorado. I never knew what a sociopath was. At first the person is so nice and very slowly they aroad you away. This was a male friend and a co-worker. I trusted him with everything in my life. He made me feel like part of his family. I did everything for his family. I was alwayes their for his children and wife. It has taken me years to undrestand what he did but I know there is a lot I will never know. He was conning me, liying, stealing and cheating me out of everything he could. He was playing a game, that I did not know about. He was liying and manupulating me into doing things that he had done in his life, while doing things that I have done. All to make him feel better about himself. Once he was done, he had a employee force me out of work. Than he black balled me. I was left with nothing. I could not find work and was bankruped. For over ten years of giving myself to a company and people who I cared about. I believe he was not good with people, so he learned from me and once he learned, I was forced out.

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Susan Schiller May 23, 2016 at 6:25 pm

I’m sorry, David, for the pain of those 10 years and following, the confusion, and devastation. There is no greater pain, I believe, because many people don’t have a clue about what you’ve been through. To be isolated in that pain and grief is a deeper pain than all the rest of it combined (my own thoughts). 

The behavior and effects you have described fit the sociopathic methodology very well. I can tell you’ve been run through the gauntlet and I’m glad you’re finding validation and support. I wish I could do more to help… the devastation often runs on for years, at least in my own experience and many others.

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Ms. Kay September 6, 2016 at 3:38 pm

I married my sociopath in 2014.   Immediately after marriage, he took his mask off!  I was taken off guard and didn't know what was happening.  He played games with me until the point I thought I was losing my mind!  I ended up in therapy after 8 months of marriage and was told that I was dealing with a sociopath.  I confronted him, and then I filed for divorce.   Even though our marriage was short, this man turned my life into a living hell.  He told the courts so many lies on me, and he asked for $2000 a month in alimony, half ownership of my home I had prior to us even dating, and my retirement after being married only 14 months!  Of course, he got nothing.  He turned all of his family against me and even attempted to turn my daughter against me.   We were just granted a divorce last week, and I swear for the first time in months I have finally gotten a full nights rest!  He sent me an email stating that he has moved on and has another woman, but I could care less!  She is the victim now and I am free of him!  Today I received a letter in the mail from him, but I put 'refused by addressee" and had it returned to sender.  I don't want anything to do with this man.   These type of people are true demons and they prey on good people!    They don't only lie, but they get joy from hurting you and zapping your energy!  I am hurt because he sold me a fake future and had no intentions on doing right by me, but at least I have peace now!  It will take some time for me to get truly past what he has done to me, but at least I am free of someonee treating me like crap!  

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Susan Schiller September 6, 2016 at 6:27 pm

I’m so glad to hear you have peace now, and you certainly have taken a good course of action, with no contact. It’s good to hear of counselors waking up to the reality of what sociopaths are like and what they can do. 14 months and so much damage!

Thank you for sharing Ms. Kay!

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Shelley April 4, 2016 at 10:17 pm

Susan,

I  spent 4 years with a sociopath, thinking I had gone completely crazy due to daily attacks on my emotional reactions (I "misunderstood" I "heard him wrong" or he would deny having said anything. Each fight would end in my guilt and remorse for having wanted more from him ( he routinely said and did hurtful things- used me financially and became outraged when I noticed) often he would cry and tell me that he hated himself (which I see now as extracting sympathy) He told me often that I was annoying and my ideas were wrong but if I had something he wanted he would tell me how much he loved my ideas. I always felt like he was so ridiculous and that his expectations were impossible. I was always good to him until I couldnt take his outbursts anymore. Id want to break up but never could because I felt addicted to him. I felt as though he needed help. The situation was so draining and stole so much of my happiness for years. Finally I had a real melt down that resulted in psychiatric hospital admittance. That was a good wake up call. I moved because I can't take his manipulation anymore.. I worry that things are still not over. at any time he might try to contact me for a favor. Through reading similar stories I've maintained the mindfulness of the situation so that I can keep working towards a healthier life without him.

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anonymous March 19, 2016 at 1:06 pm

Hello, I left a post yesterday.  I do feel this is the only website that comes from this horrible, misunderstood issue from the right pespective.  I have been searching and searching how I can protect my young, vulnerable child.  He is abused by sociopath psychologically, spiritually, physically, emotionally in one day a week visit.  Every single thing you write has happened to me in my short marriage.  I tried to escape and I couldn't.  The whole thing is fear and chaos and utter insanity.  It is insidious and evil.  You say there is no hope for the other person (or very little), but severe change is the only way I can see my son protected from this very clear insidiousness.  Noone understands unless they have been through it.  I can hold my own and be away from him, and read scripture.  But my son can't.  Please help. I'm also concerned with what you mention about my own healing and how like you said, if only I could get them to love like they used to – sort of like a drug.  It's really bizarre.  I am in counsleing and church healing etc.  I have never imagined dealing with such evil.  When and how will it go away.  Are there success stories with children.  Will the abuser just leave?  

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Susan Schiller March 19, 2016 at 2:57 pm

I’ve been sick and away from the Internet, Anon, but I hear you. To see the devastation that comes to your child is worse than anything. 

I’m glad you have your child the majority of the time. I have a friend whose high school age daughter is as you have described, and she has to completely reprogram her daughter every time she comes home from the abuser. Like you, it’s on my heart and mind to create a safe place for these children. They need so much more than is currently available. There is much good healing out there today, but most of it is geared for adult survivors. We give these kids to therapists, if you can afford it, but frankly, I see little value or hope there.

I wish I could offer you success stories for children coming out of this – stories that include eliminating the pain – but I do not have any right now. That doesn’t mean they are not out there.

There is one success story, but it’s in the process of evolving right now. It takes a lot of time to truly support these kids.  It’s the story of one child in my own family, who I’m working with in the recovery process. 

To be honest, I do see hope and restoration for children. I really do. 

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anonymous March 20, 2016 at 1:47 pm

Thank you, any prayer or guidance is much appreciated.  As any child, this child is innocent, sweet, and able to thrive.  A child of God.  Encouragment and or some sort of direction is much appreciated.  I'm on my own. 

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anon March 20, 2016 at 1:58 pm

I guess what I really wonder, is it at all possible, they – the sociopath, could/would possibly spare their own child of detruction?  I haven't seen it yet.  But is there any sliver of humanity?

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Janis February 16, 2016 at 12:19 pm

I spent 43 years with my sociopathic now exhusband. I didn't realize what he truly was. I fought for a divorce for nearly three years. I finally got it last April. The lawyers bought into his martyr act. He got the biggest share of my retirment and I got none of his. He lied about what he dine with it. He took all the bank accounts he took $40,000 we had in our safe. He took my jewelry and blamed this all on me. He took my small appliances to his girlfriend and anything else he could leave with and the mediater let him come in my house nine months after the divorce and take all kinds of things including a $2500.00 camera and $2000.00 worth of lens he bought for me as a gift. He had NEVER taken one picture with that camera. He was splitting his last two years between home and his girlfriend house. Telling me he was working. He was an over the road trucker. He made it know that if I went after money from him he would retire. And that was pretty much what he did. He said he had cancer. It was skin cancer. It was quickly taken care of. He told everybody who would listen that I kicked him out when I found out he was sick. I told him to leave in September and it was December 11th of 2013 after mediation he pointed to his neck. I said what I don't see anything. He said cancer. I asked when he was diagnosed with it. He said well I haven't had any tests yet but I hope they will soon. Then he had one (of many) old girlfriends spend a week with him and his present girlfriend and told her I kicked him out when I found out he was sick. I knew once I filied for divorce there wa no turning back. I didn't do it just to change my mind. What I didn't realize then was why his first wife had filed for divorce seven times in their seven year marriage. I took getting the divorce to realize that he was a true sociopath. I just want him out of my life,but he just won't go away. And the law won't help. I have spent over 30,000 in lawyer fees and still he is after everything I have including my two service dogs. And now he's at it again.There is much much more.

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Susan Schiller February 16, 2016 at 6:13 pm

Janis, I’m so deeply heartbroken for you. What you describe is hell on earth. You’ve lost so much and I’m so sorry. The law is not much help at all, unfortunately. God’s courtroom is our best help!

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TJ January 28, 2016 at 10:42 pm

I'm a narcissist with sociopathic tendencies and I want help. I want to feel love, I want to comfort someone just to make them happy, I want to care. I've been searching for so long just to find a support group or self help plans or therapists or anyone to help. All I've found were support groups for victims or articles written by someone who had been abused. 

I'm cold and I'm heartless and I only do nice things because I want people to like me, not to make them happy. I WANT TO GET BETTER. I want to feel all these things people say they feel. Please, if anyone knows of some online group or help centre, tell me now.

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Susan Schiller January 29, 2016 at 5:19 am

Dear TJ,

A real sociopath, more than likely, would not want help… nor would he/she recognize their own deficits. You may be experiencing the symptoms you describe – a feeling of coldness, numbness, separateness from the warmth of others, apathy… but that doesn’t necessarily make you a sociopath.

I’m not an expert, nor am I a professional counselor – I’m a survivor who shares her story. But I have listened to many survivors and a few sociopaths. I have lived with sociopaths.

Truthfully, I have been a narcissist, myself. I recognized it as a teenager and pled with God to give me a new heart. I didn’t have any support at all but God did answer my prayer. He gave me a new heart and I FEEL (intensely) what other people feel, now. I genuinely care and have compassion. I no longer feel separate.

To offer hope, I have worked with pathological people who have been professionally diagnosed as psychopaths. I have personally witnessed one of them make a 180 degree turn and change, by the power of God. He did it by himself, for the most part, with no formal support. He wakes up every morning with no thought for himself. He lays down his life for the person in front of him. He gave up worldly wealth and lives as a pauper. He used to be quite well off.

I’m not suggesting you imitate his lifestyle, I’m just showing you the route he, himself, too. He still battles the darkness but I can personally testify that he’s not the same man he was 5 years ago. The arrogance, the chip on his shoulder, the deceit and lies, the rage… it’s all gone. In its place is tenderness, compassion, empathy, and a righteous anger that causes him to go to bat for victims of injustice.

It takes true, unconditional love to change. Most of all you need to love yourself, intentionally and consciously.

One thing I did that got this man off to a good start was reading Brennan Mannings books… all of them. 

As God to give you mentors – people who will love you as a father or mother. You need to be loved back to life.

I am not of the opinion that therapy is helpful for people like the man I mentioned or for me, for that matter… 

Some people are like this from early childhood – especially RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) kids. They didn’t receive the nurturing they needed as kids. Most of them were born “dead” – their bodies were alive but their spirits didn’t get loved to life and died of spiritual malnutrition. This is not hopeless.

I am of the belief that no one is a lost cause, that we can each be loved back to life… but the key is willingness to love yourself and to being willing to lay down that old life and let it die. That old, cold heart – would you be willing to let it go, to embrace the new living, warm heart that is from God the Father, Himself? 

Loving ourselves is usually the hardest thing to do. When you look in the mirror, can you imagine you see yourself as God sees you? He only sees the man/woman He designed you to be, which is BRILLIANT and BEAUTIFUL! Can you see yourself as brilliant and beautiful and tell yourself, face-to-face in the mirror?

Throughout the day, can you choose Love?

Choosing Love means embracing the TRUTH of who God is and who you are, in light of that Truth. Most of us have had to shake off all previous religious beliefs in order to walk on the SIMPLE path of Love. God is Love. Love always wins. Love pushes out fear. Love makes us human. Love is the reason there is no separation between us and God and between us and each other.

TJ, the fact that you read this article and commented, saying you want to get better, means that God’s already working inside of you, drawing you to Him. All you need to do is embrace what’s already happening inside of you – this amazing SHIFT is a GIFT! It’s not so much what you DO as what you CHOOSE to allow God to do.

Choose Love.

As for support groups, forums, or whatnot – I don’t know. Most sociopaths would never come, you know?

I’m sending you Love and Light, TJ – stay in touch – and if you want to share more of your life stories… perhaps from early childhood? It may be a good place to start. I’m a good listener. You can email, if you wish.

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Anna December 12, 2015 at 10:07 pm

How can you get over them when you have a young child together?

He excepts to speak to her on the phone nightly, that means I have to interact aswell. Even if its samll amounts it adds up when he wants to be his"normal" self.  I feel hopeless that I will be totally free untill our child is out of highschool and she hasnt even started kindergarten.

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Susan Schiller December 13, 2015 at 1:50 am

That’s a tough one, Anna, and I just googled “co-parenting with a narcissist sociopath” and this came up: https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=co-parenting+with+a+narcissistic+sociopath

Many of us have had to live with broken families, but I can only speak from personal experience… the truth always prevails and love wins. I learned early to keep a guard around my heart, not even allowing emotion to soften my voice. That’s not a solution, of course. The reality is that there will be family events, whether funerals or weddings or graduations or any number of events that will potentially plunge you back into their wake.

My own personal job in this is to help raise awareness, to provide validation and support for survivors, and to try and keep my own head above water and even to soar. This fight is not a natural one – it’s above all, a spiritual battle.

The main way I’ve personally addressed this battle is on my knees in prayer.

There’s no easy way out of it, but it’s been awhile since I’ve googled this search term and there is no information and contacts online all the time – I hope you are able to make some good connections! Please let me know if you do!

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Susan Schiller December 13, 2015 at 2:07 am
elle salazar November 6, 2015 at 2:47 am

Totally reading this because I was checking if I was one, but clearly I wasn't thanks for this very informative article Susan! 

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Susan Schiller November 6, 2015 at 8:36 am

Many of us do wonder, Elle, if we are a sociopath, because the effect of being in close relation to evil feels so vile. We cannot help but be affected, ourselves. We all need cleansing, but I am glad you found assurance you are not on the other side!

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elle salazar January 6, 2016 at 2:00 am

Yeah, thank you for this article!

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Susan Schiller January 7, 2016 at 2:59 am

Thank you for stopping by, Elle – I’m glad it was helpful for you. 🙂

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Webb October 8, 2015 at 5:48 pm

You have blessed my heart coming up to four years of separation and coming up to one year of divorce. This was show me in so many ways. Three weeks away from being away from my sociopath husband and October being the month of domestic violence I have been a praying woman for so many of the women who's living in domestic violence and as well in a sociopath relationship I begin to question myself just a few days ago did I do the right thing was there anything I could have done that my marriage would not have end up in divorce however going back to read again God confirmed that it was him who brought me out because I asked God to show me how to get out and if he would guide me out from a psychopath husband I will never look back again but for some reason the last couple of days I start feeling doubt maybe it was because I was told he got married I'm not sure but now when I read this blog it is well in my soul and I am able to move on once again and go on knowing that I made the right decision there is nothing I could have done to save my marriage from a sociopath. I was at church on Sunday praising God for bringing me out of an abusive relationship although I had studied about the sociopath the last couple of days I've continued to read more and more about the life of a sociopath and the partners that he chooses the woman that he married just so much information and I have been blessed through this article and the response of other women it is enough to make me cry because I know I made the right decision and stop looking back thank you so very much I appreciate you for telling your story we have a prayer service every month for abused women we are praying for the abusers and for those women who are being abused God has blessed me and I'm so thankful I asked him for confirmation through this reading I've come to realize that I have received the confirmation from God that I needed it confirm everything that needed to be confirmed and it is so true 95% of what I have read was me myself trying to love the sociopath gave me clear understanding and clear clarity to who he really is and not to ponder on going back on the if I had if I would or if I could I'm done moving on in life walking into my destiny and where God will have me to go and leave me thanks again

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Susan Schiller October 9, 2015 at 4:41 am

I’m grateful God has provided you with the confidence, courage, and strength to not go back, not even in your thoughts, to that monster. A sociopath is not just a “foolish or ignorant man” – a sociopath is an entity that has taken over a human being, causing evil to inhabit human flesh. You can never pray for evil to repent – it just doesn’t. Won’t.

You’re on a good path. four years free, GOOD for YOU! The grief may always be present to some degree. How can we not wish for the whole family and happy marriage that is possible? When our friends celebrate the milestones of happy anniversaries, how can we not wish our marriages could have had the same chance? But we married the devil, so divorcing that evil is something to be celebrated, too. You are four years free!

Thank you for sharing, dear sister!

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Kandyce Brothers September 16, 2015 at 3:36 pm

Thank you thank you thank you….my ex was a socio-path and his evilness held no bounds. He was an adept liar, manipulator and oooh soooo deceitful. People were not people to him, but objects to use and then toss aside like garbage. The more i read and understand i know now he is a empty shell of a human being; incapable of real emotions or empathy. He was swayed by what ever was told to him and mimicked normal human behavior. To the world he projected mr nice guy, but behind closed doors it was all about him and he was a monster. I used to shake my head in disbelief at how he could change so quickly….it was amazing!!! I am slowly healing and i pity him, he will never know true love or real emotions and will end up an lonely old sick man, wondering where it all went wrong. I on the other hand am learning to exert my boundaries, love myself and believe in myself. Day by day i get stronger and with God on my side there is hope. Amen

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Susan Schiller September 17, 2015 at 8:13 am

I love your spirit, Kandyce, and the love and self-care will bring you to higher ground. Thanks for sharing your story and spreading Hope!

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KSM July 19, 2015 at 11:17 pm

After 18 years of marriage and together for 20 years I get it!  As I refer back in time and remember many horrible events that took place in my marriage I now know what was wrong. I married a narcissistic sociopath who used me and completely abused me on so many levels. I wanted to get out in the very beginning and then days turned in to weeks and then into years. I just couldn't leave because I truly loved him with all my heart. I now understand that he is sick and that my love was real for me but not for him. I filed for divorce just over 2 years ago because I was so broken and dying inside that I needed to be free of him. Divorce was final 7months ago. I have research everything for the past 2 years to figure out what was going on with me and what was wrong with him. I have found that I am ok and will continue to be ok. I still struggle with the impact that he has left within me but I now being alone is not the end of the world and I have many options now in my life that I would have never had if I stayed. I was not allowed to have friends, he hated my family, I was there to serve him, i could not go out and if I did he would cause problems with the kids so I would get home. I was yelled at if I got my hair or nails done, I was punched in the face, he tried to destroy my credit, he used my name and social number for his business, he cheated numerous times, I was the crazy one, when he left on the "boys trips" he would put some money on the table as if I was hired help  and to make himself feel powerful, he told me towards the end in front of my child that our marriage was a trade off, he would score me on my looks from 1-10, I would get the phone call after work every night with the same 3 sentences…what are you doing? Are you home? What's for dinner? I never got a hi honey how are you. Now I know that would have never happened because it was all about him. He wanted to know my every move so he could plan his moves. I was there to supply and serve and in the end when I started to refuse he was done with me. He started to look to the kids for supply, one did not go along with it and the younger felt such tremendous guilt he could not help himself but fetch he every little whim. So he knew he needed a new wife supplier and had been talking to his high school girlfriend who was recently divorced. Five days after I filed for divorce they went to las Vegas together and now have been married for 9 months. He did everything he could to secure his new supply. He bought he thousands of dollars worth of clothes, designer purses, Tiffany jewelry and many trips. She was hooked and said I do in leopard print red shoes. He even took on her 2 kids for more supply. I understand the process in which way the sociopath works and today I am in a much better place. Reading all of your comments to other's stories validate that we are in a group of our own and need to share our stories and validate that this is so very real and that you really can recover and move on in a way that this will just rest a little easier on your sole. 

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Susan Schiller July 20, 2015 at 6:08 am

From one survivor to another, you have come out triumphant, K. This poor guy has never known love and he sure missed out on a treasure – you. The way he heaped on the expensive gifts to wife #2 says everything, doesn’t it? I’m so glad you are free, have options you never would have had before, and that you had the courage to get your life back. I can feel the “done-ness” in you. You’re not lingering in case he changes his mind. You see reality as it is and you’ve decided to change your future. You’re creating a new life. 

And yes, you are right… we are in a group of our own and that’s why sharing our stories, to help validate each other, is so important! And I’m glad you’ve done so here – thank you and God bless you!

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Mary July 19, 2015 at 12:08 am

I have been smeared by a sociopath for three years. He is a charming liar while people see me as being angry after what I put up with. The terror never stops. I have given up on Christianity because God has never been here for me. I'm tired of it.

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Susan Schiller July 19, 2015 at 9:42 am

Mary, my heart breaks for you. I’ve been there, too… I gave up on Christianity and nearly lost my faith, during the worst of it. It truly does seem like God has given up on you, too.

The smear campaign is beyond our ability to bear, by ourselves. It kills you.

One of the articles I wrote about surviving a smear campaign is here: http://heartscribes.org/the-most-powerful-weapon-to-defeat-a-smear-campaign/ It’s one of the articles that is most visited by readers. 

Smear campaigns drain you of everything – friends, jobs, resources, everything. But after you’ve lost everything, there is magic that happens. And although it’s very hard, the life you create after the fire can be so much better than if there had been no fire. 

I’m not the only survivor who says this. And your faith – even though you may feel you’ve lost it – will come out of the fire refined and beautiful, like gold.

I know these are just words…. and you can’t see me or feel my touch. But I hope this little bit of hope might rekindle your inner fire and help you to know that you are stronger than you presently feel. You are bigger than your abuser. You are more capable of recovery than he is.

Abusers almost never change, but you… though you feel like a worm, will come out a butterfly and soar through the heavens with a new story. A story of victory.

The best revenge is a well-lived life. http://heartscribes.org/best-revenge/

And you will be vindicated, Mary…. please know this to be true, because its God’s very nature to bring you justice. It may seem delayed. Three years is a long time. It is. It’s pure hell. Sometimes God delays, as with Lazarus in the tomb…. but it’s for His greater glory to be displayed in your life. 

Keep telling your story, my friend. And let the story, through God’s nature, create a new story…. a better future.

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LuLu July 9, 2015 at 8:39 pm

I have read this article along with many others over the last few months…

I’m still unsure if my ex-partner is a sociopath at this point but based on research it appears so… I still find it shocking and I believe my continued reading is in the hope I find something that suggests otherwise.

 

I suppose I’m looking for advice/ help… maybe reassurance everything will be ok.

 

The relationship lasted a period of six months before it went crazy… and all up maybe a period of three years on and off.

The lying, borrowing money, not meeting any friends/ family while he met majority of mine, bullying (as it was ongoing), harassment, threats, verbal bashing… and the list goes on and on.

 

It officially ended in Jan 2013. He ended it because I didn’t have money to lend him.

He ended it but stayed in the picture and I blame myself for accepting that but either way… after that, I would get aggression for not giving him what he wanted e.g. s*x, money… he would lie to bring me back telling me we will work toward a relationship it won’t be a physical one only.

 

When he knew he lost hope at being with me the way he wanted he shifted to attempting to be a friend with the topic of his needs coming up on at least a weekly basis.

I couldn’t fake the friendship he wanted and meeting other men became even more difficult. When he would see me moving forward (he would see this as we work together) he would ensure to make his presence felt and if the man was not blunt enough to ask he would announce our past relationship in a very graphic way.

 

I couldn’t do it anymore… I sent an msg saying that I just couldn’t deal with everything and that I thought it best we part ways even as friends.

When everything ceased on my part… it became like dealing with the devil. Everything became worse with a capital W.

“I will tell your family and friends of your slut like ways”

“You lost my baby”… which never happened?!

“This is war”

“I will get my revenge on you”

I have had to deal with my very own smear campaign and vandalism to my car along with numerous threats to my being.

 

Amongst all this I get the random “pull backk”, the apology… just before a hard out attack again..

 

There is much more but that is the general info.

 

Thoughts/ opinions?

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Susan Schiller July 10, 2015 at 6:25 am

Dear Lulu,

You are clearly in the path of a pathological person who will seek to have power over you anyway he sees fit, is my un-expert opinion! Whatever you can do to geell hit off his radar, including moving out of the area, if need be, I would do so as soon as possible without letting him or anyone who might tell him know about your plans.

I would not have any contact with this person whatsoever, and protect your accounts, property, etc. You have described the M.O. of a pathological abuser. Whether you put the term sociopath, psychopath, narcissist, or simply “abuser” it doesn’t really matter.

Like you stated above, he’s the devil – so treat him that way. God will show you the path, which is already prepared for you. Even your enemy will be astounded at God’s hand of protection, which is like a wall of Fire around you, as you lean on your Creator and call on His Name to rescue you.

These are my thoughts. I’m just a fellow survivor, not an expert…. but with all my heart I believe you need to RUN and to STAND OPPOSED to this type of devil. Stand your ground, which is TRUTH and LOVE. And love does not mean being nice to the devil. Love will oppose evil. Love overcomes all evil, but love is not mercififul to evil.

I hope this is helpful, Lulu, please do be careful. You may possible be in danger and I encourage you to see local help. Document what is happened. Report to police when needed. Keep a diary of everything. Seek a professional counselor who understands pathological relationships. 

Try to understand the dynamics in your own brain – why it’s not your fault, but why you got into this: http://heartscribes.org/neuroscience-pathological-love-relationships/

Stay in touch!

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L Stacey July 9, 2015 at 4:55 pm

I have not married a sociopath, but I believe I grew up in a family that was dysfunctional. Several members of the family were the victims of abuse and neglect. As a baby, my brother was abandoned by my mother who just took off. He was the eighth child. As a young child, my mother forced him out of the house because of his behavior. I don't know what his behavior was, but he had to go live with my sister. My mother was cold about it and didn't try to find a solution to losing her son. She acted indifferent. My older sister has some deep emotional issues and keeps bringing up the time that Mother left the family. I never really thought about it too much, I figured she needed a vacation from us. She did have a lot of work to do. Well, later in life these problems manifested themselves in behavior that was violent. They took out their problems on me. My brother strangled me and acted indifferent about it. When I was in the hospital recovering, my three sisters and mother came in and instead of feeling badly because of my injuries, or at the very least giving me comfort, they signed documents saying I was insane. Then they threw a party. Nice people, right? Then after I got out, I went to each family member to ask why? They didn't have a reason and couldn't explain anything that they did. I've gone for help and have moved 1,200 miles away, because I don't trust them to do anything that is right. I'm being told that I'm responsible for their behavior and I shouldn't be bitter. Well, I'm not really bitter, but I've had some outrageous feelings towards them that I've struggled with. Revenge was the biggest obstacle I had to overcome. I wondered how they'd feel if I treated the with the same callous disregard that they showed towards me. I've since understood the sociopathic behavior patterns and believe that my mother was one, my brother is one, and the rest of them have no common sense. At the very least they are really stupid human beings. They were mistreated as young adults, my sister hit with a two by four. My brother I don't know or didn't witness any odd behavior towards him. But my mother was no saint and had a difficult childhood with a weak mother who didn't correct anything or follow anything through. My brother tried physcial violence with his daughter and she got a restraining order. His wife left him and he's gone on to commit crimes. He has no feelings for others, no concern for his wife or daughter, or me. After all, I deserved it didn't I? I can hold down a job, finish my education, write books, buy houses, handle money safely, grow investments, love others, care about others and be a contributing member in society. And I don't plan on stopping anytime soon.

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Susan Schiller July 10, 2015 at 6:33 am

I believe you are awakening to the reality of your family’s dysfunction, as many of us are…. 

Knowledge replaces fear and forms a bridge from the past to a better future. You can change your family legacy but you can tell yourself a different story. Without changing the facts, you can find the treasure within, because for every impossible situation, for every trial, there is an equal blessing and provision.

There is beauty everywhere, and I’ve found the most magnificient treasures within the darkest, most impossible places.

I encourage you to seek professional help, in recovering from this type of past. I’m a fellow survivor and not an expert, nor qualified to counsel. I simply tell my story and listen to others with empathy, validating their experiences.

This type of family history indicates there is a great evil, perhaps yet buried beneath these painful layers, and you may need help finding it… or you may be scared, but don’t be – there is an equal blessing – even great beauty and treasure in your story!

This is a new beginning for you, fresh and wonderful. I hope you realize that the depth of despair equals the height of your upcoming joy! This is God’s justice system, which is always perfectly balanced!

I love your last two sentences. WOW!

You are beautiful! You are a champion! A real hero.

I hope you come back and share more, because this is the beginning of one of the greatest stories!

I bless you to keep pushing through and climbing higher. You’re one of the story tellers that I most love to hear from! 🙂

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Retin June 23, 2015 at 10:56 pm

I am not entirely sure how I ended up here as it's like one link led to another.  But reading your post makes me kind of wish I could do more with my story to help others like what you are doing.  I am not a doctor so I can't say if my childhood friend was a sociopath or not, but everything he did was pretty much spot on with the points here and other places in terms of the techniques and stratedgies he used against me.

For me, constantly wanting to help the person and getting drained by him financially was simply because helping others is just what seems right.  Especially for those you have known for a long time.  Unkown to me, the smear campaign was happening in the background to try and hide his actions where on a surface level his story would sound more believable.  But fortunately for me, I had so much documentation such as e-mails that he didn't expect would reveal the truth so much and I had to take him to court.  You wouldn't believe the outrageous stories he initially stated about me that people seemingly believed.  It's all documented too because of the process.

 

Too bad I am not as good of a story teller though as I am usually one of those who shows the facts and assume everyone can easily conclude what is really going on.  Again though, reading things like this made me wish I could just compile everything in an engaging way where people can see a real example of things like the smear campaign techniques.

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Susan Schiller June 24, 2015 at 12:16 am

Hello Retin,

The fact that you have such a desire means you do have the ability to write what you have presented. The documentation alone is priceless. You might be surprised just how powerful a series of emails may be.

(Consider “The Screwtape Letters” by C.S. Lewis, which are simply a series of letters.) It’s a lot harder to put a book together than most of us realize.

I’m glad you went to court, for that adds even more validity to your story. I do hope you don’t undervalue your abilities, for where the desire is, there is your spirit crying out to do the very thing you think you can’t do!

Perhaps my site here was meant to urge you on, to sharing your story… I hope you do. We need more stories like yours, with so much documentation!

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Retin June 29, 2015 at 7:10 pm

Hi Susan,

Interestingly enough, someone did tell me before that I should focus in also writing what the guy did to me due to the documentation available.  But I would imagine a situation like this requires “experts” to give thoughts and analysis of the situation to make people take it seriously or to not be held back as a result of free speech laws too.

Showing all the documents with statements is one thing as that is considered public information(Can show you if you are intersted too).  Being able to freely express what happened in-detail in an effecive way is another.  Seems kind of silly when I think about it where it’s like other people have more freedom to comment on it versus the actual person to tell the story (Based on my understanding of everything of course).  I don’t live in the US as an example where I believe there are more rights there to publicly talk about things like this.  It’s almost like the only way to tell the story fully for this purpose would be to give it to like an expert that studies these kinds of behaviours to report on it.  I do recognize how important it can be though.  

Even during my journey at the time I eventually looked for things online such as “people who can’t stop lying” as a way to help my friend and the results that came up were terms like “pathological liar”  which convinced me to document as much as possible as time went on to see if he truly was one or not.  Like there too, my mindset was more like I am dealing with child-like behaviour where one makes up stories to get things they want.  Therefore, you just need to document everything and put it in-front of them when they tell false stories so they can’t backtrack and hopefully “grow up.” Had I known of things like say a “sociopath” I would have cut off ties right away.  

Maybe finding your site was the first step in finding out how I could share the story fully to help others as you say.  If you have any ideas or sources that would make good use of all the documentation available feel free to let me know.

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Susan Schiller June 30, 2015 at 3:08 am

Hi Retin,

That you have a desire to document and share your story is a good sign that you need to do it. I wouldn’t worry too much about all the details and ramifications, as writing, itself, is a private matter. What you may choose to do with your writing afterward is a decision that can be made or changed later on.

For me, writing kept me sane. When you have a pathological relationship the lies and deception pound your brain with confusion every day. Writing and documenting conversations helped me to remember who I was, who he was and what he was doing, and eventually it helped me to see the patterns and cycles of abuse in operation. Writing helped me to escape from my abuser, because the best answers come from within us, in that place God speaks to us.

I never wrote for others, at first. It was always for myself. Then I realized that others were benefiting from what I had to share. I still draw encouragement and support from my own diaries. 

I hope you will find the freedom to write for yourself, first. Each and every story we produce is capable of awakening all the nice, good people who choose not to see evil, hear evil, or speak of evil… and thus, become unwilling accomplices to that same evil. 

If you would like to share your documentation or to publish a part of your story, or your full story in parts, you are welcome to submit your ideas to my personal email here. You can use a pen name or write anonymously, if you wish. 

Your story belongs to you, no one else. You are the expert in what happened to you!

I hope this encourages you to keep writing, continue documenting, and to publish. Survivors of sociopathic abuse are the experts, you know. Doctors are learning from us!

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Daniel June 17, 2015 at 7:47 pm

hi
Reading all your comments and posts has helped me understand my ex. Who I believe to be a sociopath.
Before the relationship i was naive and I trusted everyone but this has taught me a lesson.
He continued to lie to me about having cancer, being evicted from house, being in a car crash, loosing his passport and made a be sene of it on Fb. He was aggressive to me shouting when i told my parents about the cancer. I lost 2 stone within 2 months of being with him. He emotionally, mentally abused me to a point I didn’t know myself. He tried to hang himself in my house and he appeared with a mark round his neck and that freaked me out
I tried to get away 2 times but he used the pity play on Me and he got his aunt to talk to me. When I finally got away he sent me horrible text messages with suicide threats and a scary picture of a noose round his neck with a text I told u I’d do it. I havnt heard anything from him since. He has changed his aappearance and Im frightened of him
His aunt the messaged me a horrible message saying that I should be ashamed of myself being such a bad person. I’m trying to pick myself back up again it’s really hard as I still get
flashbacks and I stress out easily
He is acting now like i didn’t exist.

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Anonymous March 7, 2015 at 12:21 am

Susan,Thank you for a really great site. Unfortunately this relates too much to me. I have a better understanding of this now.The amount of bullying and harrasment I received made me realise and see another side of life I never thought existed. I was dealing with a lot of past issues that not many people understood and men saw me as a vulnerable person that was weak, quiet and obvioulsy one that could be taken advantage of. I have been to blame for many things. It has taken me a long time to deal with the bullying from people in general and treatment from men that saw me as not important enough to take seriously, to abuse and to use. I am a lot smarter than people have given me credit for and I'm actually quite intuitive. I read everything put in front of me, gathered the information and although quiet I am not stupid and I processed the abuse one bit at a time and began listening to my gut which was right. They're not aware individuals but only looking out for their own agenda. The behaviours and completely absurd lies, manipulations and deceit is something I have had to deal with for some time. I was told I was crazy and probably some still think I am – I have been told to get well – there is nothing wrong with me but only scarred because of the abuse from thoughtless and selfish individuals. Their denials and excuses are typical of an abusers reactions to never being totally accountable. They will always find a way to have a dig and try to have one up on you by putting you down. I'm definitely not crazy – to have nearly a whole army of people against you from different places, listening to a bunch of bullies try to bring one person down because they are threatened but see you really as a strong person, an individual that won't follow,  that has their own mind and won't be down trodden by the masses. They work in groups and groups work on numbers and without numbers they are nothing. I'm one on my own and have come through the other end. They fear exposure and isolation so in turn try to do this to the one they are abusing. Turn people against you and even get friends to very discreetly get information out of you in subtle ways and I think I know one person they have been using for a while – saying things that often relate to things that have happened in your life that only the abuser would know – so you know they have been talking, try with your family who will question your ethics, they will then deny their involvement and they will contact all the people you know and get them to try to syphon information from you. Deny they have done it but have. I see this behaviour as clutching at straws to find out as much information as possible as they can about what you're saying – stalking through other people. A sense that I now don't ignore but listen to. I can read very well betweenthe lines when it is directed at me. I'm working on moving forward and only hope they find new partners so they can find happiness with them and move from their paranoia towards me.

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Anonymous March 7, 2015 at 12:41 am

Sorry I forgot to add to my last coment. I confided in this particular person with some very personal information about many things and people – I believe this was spread and a smear campaign was made. He made it his business to find out everything he could while remaining totally quiet about himself.  I believe his aim was to get people to see me as a nut case.  Family were contacted and I believe some lies were made. I believe many things have been told and they have tried to destroy my reputation and relationships with people.  I noticed when you have been a bit of a scapegoat for a long time when you come out of being hidden for years a lot of anger rises from several people because you are no longer remaining quiet. They don't seem to see the impact their behaviour has had on you although you have remained totally giving, caring and quiet and pleasing others for a long time. these individuals will make their case so convincing that  they believe it themselves. I am sure they want people to see you as an untrusting person and they will do anything to try to reverse peoples opinions of you when in fact if they knew what the abusers had actually done they probably wouldn't have the time of day for them. 

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Anonymous February 4, 2015 at 10:45 pm

My sister is married to a sociopath. People think he's a good guy. He reminds me of how my Dad was with my Mom) He does not love my sister, I can clearly see it. My sister is a slave to his abuse. And now that they have a baby I feel it will be harder for her to make the desision to divorce him. My sister is the sweetest person I've known and very dedicated to God; she doesnt talk back, very passive-submissive and to me she too innocent and naive.

I think she doesnt know that there are people that can pretend to be christians but in the inside they are dark and uncapable of loving. I've seen how he has been killing my sister's soul slowly, she has become so introverted and alone, she is nothing like how she was in her teenage years before she had her soul brocken by him… My mom supported 30 years of abuse from my dad, and my sister is following the same path. …. What could I do?  

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Susan Schiller February 5, 2015 at 7:21 am

Your story speaks of the generational pattern this type of abuse fosters, and most often, it does exactly as you describe here. The difference, though, is education…. your mom's generation, which is also my generation, didn't have the Internet or very little exposure to education about protecting ourselves from abuse. Indeed, in our misogynistic culture we as women were taught to be subservient, to be passive… 

I, too, was like your sister – naive of so much. You say, " (He reminds me of how my Dad was with my Mom). He does not love my sister, I can clearly see it. He somehow got my sister bound to him and she's a slave to his abuse." – and this is the main reason we attract men who are too immature or wicked to marry and have wives and children. We are simply so used to it – it's familiar to us. Without conscious thought, we are re-enacting our childhood memories of our own father and mother.

What can we do? So much….

You already love your sister very much and you have cared enough to do research on her behalf. That weighs tons in the rescue department! She is only into this relationship for 4-years, so there is more hope for a quicker recovery. Your mother and I endured for decades and the damage is much heavier the longer we are abused. 

Your eyes are open and you can see on her behalf, in the areas where she is blind. Your ears are hearing what she is missing. There will be windows of opportunity where she will be open to your counsel, and I would not push her until she's open… but when she's open (God will be sure to help open up at good times) you will find that God puts the right words in your mouth.

She won't want to leave, most likely – the brain becomes physically addicted to the abuse (see: http://heartscribes.org/neuroscience-pathological-love-relationships/) and having a child, as you said, makes it so much harder.

I feel Hope in your story. You're here and you are arming yourself with knowledge. Education makes such a big difference in situations like this. I sense much hope for your family. I'm so glad your mom got out, too!

Thank you for sharing and I send you my love, asking God to shine His Light ever brighter in your family. I ask Holy Spirit to enlighten your sister's mind and that she may draw courage and strength from God and also you. I ask for those windows of opportunity to arise and for the right people and resources to be in her path when she's ready to make her escape to freedom.  Father, may it be so… not only these things I've asked, but may all that You see they need be put into action and place. Thank you for providing Hope and Rescue for this family long before they needed it. Thank you that your Light and Love are enough to show them the Way to freedom and fullness. Thank you for giving them a new family legacy of peace and joy. Thank you, Father!

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Christina January 21, 2015 at 6:25 pm

Hello,

I want to thank you for writing this in so much detail. My father was the sociopath in my life. I have gotten away but I'm having real trouble finding counseling. The church I have gone to all my life is great but of course all the leaders know him. Recently I was strongly rebuked by the pastor for not "forgiving" him and he didn't want to hear it again. I felt horrible and thought I had some sort of mental disorder myself. This man has abused me  in every way for 30 years. It was the great mercy of God that he allowed my husband to come into my life and help me combat him. I love my pastor but my father has him duped. Your article has articulated everything I wish I could have explained to him. All I wanted was help on how to get him out of my head. Somehow it turned out to be my fault this happened and my father is the real victim. How do I fight this?

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Susan Schiller January 21, 2015 at 11:45 pm

Hi Christina,

You went for help to get your father out of your head and your church leaders rebuked you, telling you that you need to forgive your dad. I’m not surprised by their ignorant response but no less horrified that it happened to you. 

If you do not confront evil head on, you become its pawn. I don’t personally know or recommend this ministry, but I found this article to be helpful: http://www.ephesians525.org/2015/01/13/five-indicators-of-an-evil-and-wicked-heart/  It identifies the key markers for knowing when you are with a truly evil person. Not all abusers are evil people, but when you have lived with a man such as you describe, Christina, it’s like living with an anti-christ, isn’t it?

To get an abuser out of my head, I’ve need to tell my story. Over and over again, from different angles and over time, as the telling went deeper and deeper. I needed to tell my story within community. I needed to break my silence. I return, I received love, validation, support, and words that helped to reshape my life and to rebuild a stronger and better future.

Have you been married long, Christina? It sounds like you have a suprportive husband. I hope so. So many victims of a man like your father end up marrying someone like him, despite all… because it’s what we are used to – it’s familiar to  us. Even if he is a good man, there may be a natural tendency for you to project your father’s ‘stuff” onto him and for you to potentially react to your husband as if he were your dad. 

Christina, I cannot offer you counsel but I can validate what you are saying. My own story is written all over the pages of this blog, as well as the stories of other survivors. If you need help getting your father out of your head, you are welcome to continue sharing your story via email or through this site, privately or publicly.

The more of us the better who are willing to be transparent about what has happened to us at the hands of “Christian” sociopaths the better we can end this type of abuse, simply beginning with exposing the darkness to the Light of Truth, in love.

I believe you will find the release you need. Your father needs to be called to account for abusing God’s royal daughter for 30 years. You need God’s shepherds to have the heart of Ezekiel 34 and to seek you out to heal your wounds.

Standing in the place of your father, they should be asking your forgiveness, not demanding it! That’s how I see it. Does that help? 

 

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Susan Schiller January 21, 2015 at 11:59 pm

It’s still right before my eyes… the fact that these church leaders have said and done what they did to you… it just flashes in front of my eyes that they have become evil’s pawns. They are on evil’s side, at least in regard to you. It’s quite possible they are abusers, themselves, to one extent or another. Abusers protect abusers. Irregardless of their personal lives, they have taken evil’s side.

I ask God to give you wisdom and discernment, and also Godly counsel from your husband, about how to proceed from here. Once you enter the target range of a sociopath and he knows you’ve spoken up against him, it can get pretty awful. I hope you will protect yourself by having no contact with evil, as much as is in your power. You might already know the ugliness that can present itself once you speak up. Not knowing the depths of the evil or how connected it is with other forms of evil in your area, I don’t know if you are in danger or not. But you may want to pray to see as God sees, to hear as He heais, and to know as He knows. It’s a prayer that has helped me sort through issues over the years. It’s given me God’s perspective in my own circumstances instead of relying on my own thinking.

I kept seeing those face in my eyes after publishing the first reply to your comment…. and there’s something there God wants to bring to Light. And so I ask God to expose the darkness and to bring you Truth, Christina. I send you love and light, in the name of Jesus.

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Christina January 22, 2015 at 3:34 pm

Thank you for responding so quickly. You are very right about the godly counsel from my husband and we have decided to take a sabbatical from our home church for awhile. We have a beautiful baby girl and another on the way so we have thought it best to stay away for a season.  I didn't know my father, my stepfather actually, had such power to infiltrate my pastor. His attitude seemed to change toward me overnight. It shocked me greatly. I always thought of my pastor as a bastion of spiritual strength. I want my girls to be safe and my father is not a safe person. They have taken the wolf into the sheepfold. I'll be cutting all ties even if I must look for another church. 

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Susan Schiller January 22, 2015 at 3:39 pm

I am relieved to hear this, Christina! Congratulations on your new baby and may God bless your family richly! Remember, there are “two mercies for every woe” – God’s justice system is incredibly wonderful. I’m so glad your husband and you are together in this. You have so much hope for a quicker recovery and I’m HAPPY FOR YOU! 🙂

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Deborah December 2, 2014 at 8:37 am

Hi Susan,

I ran across your blog by accident and was glad I did. I have been with a person whom I know is a sociopath after doing much research on my own. I am now getting out and have found it to be hard to do. I know the best way is by no contact. Four times before I've tried I get sucked back in by the charm. I have allowed this person to make my life a living @#$#! Reading other stories like mine let me know that I'm not alone. I let him and his daughter move in with me for six months and they were the worst six months of my life. He would call me names, come home late with evidence of being with other women on a regular basis. He would tell me that I was crazy and " it's not what you think!" Since I put them out, I continued to see him thinkinh things would get better, but of course they didn't. I'm ready to get my life back so I'm taking a day at a time by changing my thoughts, educating myself and seeking therapy. It's a journey that we need to take to rid ourselves of the evil that have come into our lives. Thank you for your stories and being there for those of us whom truly need you.

 

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Susan Schiller December 2, 2014 at 10:47 am

Hi Deborah,

Thanks for taking time to connect! I’m glad you are being kind to yourself, getting educated, and reading other survivor’s stories. It’s the best way I know of to get your head straight. Living with someone like that is a crazy-making atmosphere – truly brain damaging. 

Since you put him out, it sounds like you have a place to live and a life to return to. I’m so sorry you experienced this – it’s the worst kind of domestic violence, in my opinion. Psychological torture, mind-bending violence. 

We all tend to ignore the red flags and we get sucked back in many times over – you’re most certainly not the only one! It happens to all of us, and can be explained neurologically. (http://heartscribes.org/neuroscience-pathological-love-relationships/).

I’m grateful for the people who have shared their stories with me. Even to this day, it continues to help me, and I’m glad that it’s helped you, as well. Thanks for your kind words, Deborah!

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Tammy November 24, 2014 at 7:47 am

My phone is a little wierd….thank you for this…..thought i was the ok only one….now my son has picked up a sociopath :/ wish he understood….many Blessings to us all…..Love you all

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Tammy November 24, 2014 at 7:45 am

Hello,
I am so happy to come across this blog. I was married for 16 years to a sociopath….I have 3 children with him….it had been a nightmare….it is still lingering now in my children it took many years to get away….some of my stories would probably make headlines……in the end my ex husband would line the walls with boxes….he liked to clutter my house ….when i moved the boxes..i saw he was feeding the mice that he set traps for….he wohld then have the kids watch him pull the dying mouse out of the trap……he would then throw it outside on our front porch…..there would be a trail of blood from the front door out into the yard …..i couldnt believe it…..thats one of the easier stories….he should have been put in jail….but he would represent himself and the judge would be hypnotized by his charm and he would always walk away scott free…..he would call up my new boyfriend….however he got the number and the boyfriend ended up beating me up and almost killing my children and I…..im so glad i cut him off and he has a new wife….i had to move states away and he told all lies to all familyembers…..i remember when i was trykng to leave…no one believed me ever….my friends all disappeared….the cops werent believing me….i had to go to a womans shelter and he got to them to….they started accusing me of just using the place…..if i left my car outside …the tires would be flat in the morning ..

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Susan Schiller November 24, 2014 at 10:41 am

16 years is a long, long time with a sociopath, Tammy. What you describe is so similar to other survivor’s story, that we might probably say, “We married the same man” – and that’s because evil always behaves the same.

It’s interesting that you say, “he would represent himself and the judge would be hypnotized by his charm and he would always walk away scott free…” because I’ve been digging into this lately…. how even intelligent people with good, common sense and spiritual discernment will be mesmerized, or as you say “hypnotized” by their charming deceit. I know I came under it’s power, as we all do, in the beginning. 

There’s definitely something that blinds us to the truth. They do have a powerful ability to sway the hearts and minds of people who know us well. We perhaps can’t understand all of evil’s ways, especially the “why” – but the effect is something I’ve been studying for many years. 

You’ve certainly nailed their behavior on the head, and you’re right about the multi-generational effect. I’m surprised and also not surprised about the women’s shelter’s response to you. Some people who deal with ordinary abuse (non-sociopathic) are not equipped to picked up on the cues a sociopath’s abuse creates. Most counselors, pastors, and other means of support, also, don’t yet understand sociopathic abuse.

As more of us tell our stories, even as you have done here, Tammy, we are raising consciousness and hopefully making steps forward to eliminate this type of behavior. Thanks so much for sharing with us here, Tammy, and if you feel like sharing more of your story, I would greatly appreciate hearing more of what happened at the women’s shelter.

I hope you are feeling safer and more at peace. Every year and every mile away helps so much!

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Lesha October 30, 2014 at 4:25 pm

Thank you so much this is very helpful information it has given me hope, I can see the sociopath for who he is  and has been for the past three years!!!!!

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Susan Schiller October 30, 2014 at 9:06 pm

I’m so glad you’ve found some relief, Lesha, and some validation. I wish it were under different circumstances, but I’m glad we’ve connected. 🙂

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louise October 12, 2014 at 11:53 pm

Hi Susan,iv just returned back to my home in malta from spending 5 awful nights in the UK with my ex partner i returned home earlier than him as i told him relationship was over. i have been with him for 3 yrs, he has 

punched me

head butted my nose

kicked me

terrified me

called me the most disgusting names

i forgave him as a fool.

after so much emotional and pysical abuse i broke down he said ' you are crazy louise' you need help.

he went out of the room,i lay on the bed i said to myself,is it me ? am i crazy?

and then i thought NO lou you are not crazy you are a wonderful mother to 4 daughters you are a loving daughter a caring sister you are a midwife a friend all these things but you are not CRAZY.

My concern now is keeping him away from me, when i split with him for a couple of mths 2 yrs ago he use to keep driving past my house and putting letters on my car.

i dont want to make him mad  

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Susan Schiller October 13, 2014 at 7:06 am

Hi Louise,

I like how you countered his crazy-making words and actions with “I am” statements, reinforcing your true identity. That is powerful!

Your last statement shows that you still have fear of him, and that can be countered, as well. You are a caring person – and that makes you the perfect prey. You kept trying, giving him chances, even when his behavior has been cruel, in return. We all do that, especially those of us who have a gift of mercy and are natural caregivers.

I’m not sure what the laws are in your country, but over here we pursue “restraining orders” or “no contact orders” which means the aggressor can go to jail if he contacts you or enters within a certain distance of your residence. 

“Going dark” is one form of defense, because the worst thing you can do to this type of aggressor is to ignore him. Don’t engage in any type of communication, if at all possible. If you share children together, that’s a different matter and has to be handled in the courts, but hopefully you don’t. How old are your daughters?

You also want to have daily support – someone or a team of people to check up on you, to see how you’re feeling, to love you. They need to have a basic level of understanding of pathological relationships (I have an archive at http://heartscribes.org/category/abuse-free-zone/). With a basic level of understanding, they will pick up clues you might miss, and they will know how to help you get your life back.

As you know, the first few days, weeks, and months of a split up are the most dangerous. This type of predator rarely gives up his prey without raising hell, but it can manifest in different forms. This is why it’s so important to have friends on your team who can provide you with a safe place, in case you should need to leave your house. You don’t need to live in fear.

Your identity is what is most under attack; that’s why I was so glad to hear you rehearsing your “I am” statements. Keep doing that… and know that you are never alone. You’re exposing this darkness to the Light (Truth, in Love) and if you stand on the Truth and if you keep loving (yourself, your loved ones, your Creator), Love overcomes all evil. Whatever your particular brand of faith, Love is what slays this type of dragon.

You sound ike you have Love in life right now, through your family. You’re going to make it. The Truth is already shining in you! Love will make a way where there seems to be no way. And as for this beast who would paralyze you with fear, I made this declaration: “There are two mercies for every woe you’ve given to Louise, and that means every time you’ve hurt her, Love will be make sure to extract a blessing from you, one way or another. You are only blessing her and cursing yourself, and that is the Truth. Louise is going to end up stronger and better than before. She is going to live a life without fear, thanks to your assistance. You are defeated, toothless, and without any weapon to use against her. You, foul beast, must leave.”

I speak these words into the spiritual diminsion, and I target my words against the “beast” that inhabits these humans. I believe in a holistic approach and I believe that our words are powerful.

I bless you, Louise, with “amats” (http://heartscribes.org/rak-chazak/) and I shout, “Rak Chazak!” over your life, home, health, career, finances, relationships, and every matter pertaining to you. I bless you with wisdom, discernment, and all that need.

Thanks for writing today, and thank you for sharing your story!

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Susan Schiller October 13, 2014 at 9:43 am

Here’s a prayer / declaration / petition I love to use, from Psalm 31, and I pray these words for your life, Louise:

You’re my cave to hide in,
    my cliff to climb.
Be my safe leader,
    be my true mountain guide.
Free me from hidden traps;
    I want to hide in you.
I’ve put my life in your hands.
    You won’t drop me,
    you’ll never let me down.

6-13 I hate all this silly religion,
    but you, God, I trust.
I’m leaping and singing in the circle of your love;
    you saw my pain,
    you disarmed my tormentors,
You didn’t leave me in their clutches
    but gave me room to breathe.
Be kind to me, God—
    I’m in deep, deep trouble again.
I’ve cried my eyes out;
    I feel hollow inside.
My life leaks away, groan by groan;
    my years fade out in sighs.
My troubles have worn me out,
    turned my bones to powder.
To my enemies I’m a monster;
    I’m ridiculed by the neighbors.
My friends are horrified;
    they cross the street to avoid me.
They want to blot me from memory,
    forget me like a corpse in a grave,
    discard me like a broken dish in the trash.
The street-talk gossip has me
    “criminally insane”!
Behind locked doors they plot
    how to ruin me for good.

14-18 Desperate, I throw myself on you:
    you are my God!
Hour by hour I place my days in your hand,
    safe from the hands out to get me.
Warm me, your servant, with a smile;
    save me because you love me.
Don’t embarrass me by not showing up;
    I’ve given you plenty of notice.
Embarrass the wicked, stand them up,
    leave them stupidly shaking their heads
    as they drift down to hell.
Gag those loudmouthed liars
    who heckle me, your follower,
    with jeers and catcalls.

19-22 What a stack of blessing you have piled up
    for those who worship you,
Ready and waiting for all who run to you
    to escape an unkind world.
You hide them safely away
    from the opposition.
As you slam the door on those oily, mocking faces,
    you silence the poisonous gossip.
Blessed God!
    His love is the wonder of the world.
Trapped by a siege, I panicked.
    “Out of sight, out of mind,” I said.
But you heard me say it,
    you heard and listened.

23 Love God, all you saints;
    God takes care of all who stay close to him,
But he pays back in full
    those arrogant enough to go it alone.

24 Be brave. Be strong. Don’t give up.
    Expect God to get here soon.

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PGF September 3, 2014 at 9:46 am

Thank you so much for writing all this. I almost broke into tears out of recognition of some of the things you have written.

In my case I ended the relationship with my exwife almost two years ago, and Hell had just broken out ever since. We’ve got two children on common, and they are suffering. Serious things are happening, some of them I have no proof, I can sense them, and I keep trying to tell my self, that it is just my fantasy. No one can be that abnormal. No one can be that cruel. But they can.

Sometimes I feel so alone, fighting for the survival of my kids. My fiancee is só suportive, it is just só unfair, that she slap has to pay a price for my relationship past, Other people don’t see it. People don’t understand. They simply don’t have a clew. And if I tell, I can’t prove it all. Anyway, it doesn’t matter, people have a hard time believing it is really true.

Thank you so much, for making us feel we are not alone.

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Susan Schiller September 3, 2014 at 10:04 am

There are so many of us who do understand, but you are right, the deception can be so well disguised that you feel alone in the battle. That's the intended effect, in fact.

But TRUE LOVE PREVAILS are three words I have held onto all these years, and it's a truth that has proved true every single time.

The truth always comes out, and love wins. Co-parenting with a sociopath is hell on earth. I am currently co-grandparenting with my ex- …. and what I see happening, despite the mixed signals and messages, is that children recognize true love.

You're not alone. Thank you for sharing your story. It's going to be all right, even if you can't see through the fog at this moment!

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B.A.D August 16, 2014 at 10:25 am

I have been in a realtionship friendly one that is with one for many years.. I met this person in high school at first they seemed kind and caring … always talking good about me talking me up like hey nice vest i want that i want this of yours.. even that set me off it wasn't normal.. he was odd to begin with and I knew better.. he'd tell me of how he stole things from here and there our high schools town. It really is making me sick just thinking of all this why I kept going.. no being pulled back in. It's like a black hole impossible to escape.. even now he wants to come hang out.. it's so screwy he'll texted out of the blue.. during work even like when he is at work … and say things talk all nice and then later he is just different wants to call me right then and there… It's so bizzare. In high school he'd say things like he'd want my gf and she kissed him and all this other garble it was so discusting. I have come to hate this person and I can't be like that. Even the guy he hangs out with another high school friend of his (funny story I met this "friend" of his back in public school and there was something wrong with him. Not his fualt and I really wish he'd stay away from this other friend of ours that we had the great plesure of meeting. To beging with I'll say J had troubles meeting and making friends. He was well different he never really could express himself at all. always the same 😐 experssion. I know now why this was. Oh that reminds me I'd be happy or smile while hanging out with these two and yeah the other one P I'll call him would say things like DON'T smile too much or it makes you look stupid or you look stupid doing it.. I can't do this anymore i've gf's over this it's effected my entire life now.. I can't get jobs I stay at home.. I'm starting to become just like him.. Help. What do I do. 🙁

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Susan Schiller August 16, 2014 at 3:58 pm

I’m so glad you are waking up! It’s like you felt powerless to overcome the red flags, and this is something common to all of us. But you are seeing it and starting to do something about it (getting educated) and you are in a good place, once you begin to wake up. 

When you say you’re starting to become just like him, you might mean you feel angry, bitter, or hateful… but I doubt that you are becoming exactly like him… but even so, you feel the danger to your soul and you want help. Real abusers don’t want help. They don’t care. You care, and that says a lot about you, that you have a good heart. Being around someone like you are describing is toxic. It’s hazardous to your health – spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. Physcially, too. 

You may want to listen to the audio, to help you to understand the neurological effects of being in a toxic relationship – it will explain a lot: http://heartscribes.org/neuroscience-pathological-love-relationships/

You may also want to read a book by Dr. Susan Forward called “Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them” – and in that book, I believe you will see yourself and so many other women like you who choose to love the “bad boys”. You may also want to find a good counselor who can help you to rebuild your life.

It is possible to come out of this, but it will take a bit of education and support. Most of us feel devastated and just a shell of our original selves. It can take awhile to come back. Like you said, it’s hard to find employment, even. But it is possible to get your life back.

I also created a video at http://youtu.be/CjKZ3ZbQP24 – in which I share just a little of my experience in getting my life back. I hope it’s a bit of a start for you. Just know you are not alone, and thank you for sharing with us today. I hope you come back and let us know how you are doing!

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Carmen July 21, 2014 at 4:00 am

I have an older sister who has abused me emotionalyrics for years. I am now 51 and finally figuring it out. My Mom has enabled her behavior so much I am wondering now if she too is a sociopath. Although your segment is written about a spouse, it describes my sister perfectly. Do you have information on sibling abuse from a sociopath?

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Susan Schiller July 21, 2014 at 12:12 pm

Hi Carmen,

I am sad to hear that you experienced such trauma going back into childhood. Trauma from a pathological relationship usually hurts worst inside the family circle, whether siblings, parents, or spouses.

You touch on an important point – that pathological relationships are not just between spouses. You will see the same patterns of control and manipulation, judgment and condemnation, gaslighting and smear campaigns in other relationships, as well. It is all destructive. 

I have several resources for identifying pathological patterns, and also for recovering from the brokenness that is common to all of us who were victimized by sociopaths at http://heartscribes.org/write-to-freedom-resources/.

You might also try “Emerging from Broken” on Facebook, as the author there was raised by a narcissistic mother and may have more resources than I about recovering from sociopathic abuse through a sibling.

I wish you the best, Carmen – may you receive two mercies for every woe!

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carmen July 21, 2014 at 2:03 pm

I can not thank you enough.  For over thirty years my sister has acted like I didn't exist, and my mother would never call her out on it.  My mother supported it.   I just recently, after attending my Dad's funeral and my sister no showing all of us (she lives in the same town as my parents) , I have finally told my mother I can no longer  be around those who support such abuse toward me or the ones I love.  Our dad worked hard.  He provided for all of us.  He gave to us all well into adulthood, specifically my sister and this is the respect she returned.   It is very very sick. 

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Susan Schiller July 21, 2014 at 2:40 pm

What a brave but tough decision to have to make, Carmen. It sounds like you are well on your way to recovering, to taking responsibility for your health and well-being, and to protect yourself from abuse through apathy. Apathy hurts worse than the more verbal and physical forms of abuse. Treating someone as if they don’t exist can rob you of your identity, your gifts, your calling, and your destiny.

I am so sorry you lost your dad, who appears to be an honorable and generous father. It sounds like he was your reason for continuing family relations, and now that he is gone, you are establishing protective boundaries. How did your dad relate to you, if it’s okay to ask. Did he try to protect you? It sounds like he didn’t understand abuse tactics, if your situation went on for so many years. I didn’t understand, myself, for decades, and my children endured pain, as a result.

Have you been writing your story? I would love to hear more 🙂

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Bev January 6, 2014 at 2:07 pm

Hi Susan, I don't know if you'll answer me or if all of what I'm about to say is too long but, I just came across your post while researching Psychopathy/Sociopathy.  I think that the man that I've been seeing for 2 yrs is one but I hate to lable someone.  We met because he was a client & at the end of his case he started to flirt w/me. I was in a loveless 22 yr relationship & he made me smile again & enjoy life again. Then I caught him in his first lie about buying his house when he was just renting to own which I found out months later by looking it up online.   I know, w/o proof that he is sleeping w/other women & because his sister has told me so. He would go a month & not talk to me then all of a sudden talk to me again like nothing happened.  He would lie about the most stupidest things like his phone carrier. One night in Feb of 2012 he was supposed to go to the gym when he came home, 7 hrs later (1:20 am), we got into bed & all of a sudden he said "did you hear that, a car", I said "no", then seconds later, "did you hear that a car door." We got up & went to the front door & he said "oh, it's trash day tomorrow, I have to taket the trash to the end of the street" Then he seen someone painted on his truck windows, F-you and his other truck F-you Homewrecker. Sorry I didn't want to spell the word out.  Well here's the problem, his trash already ran the day before & he mentioned to me about a house next to him being a drug house because cars go down the street all night long. So why would that night be any different than any other night.  The next Friday the same thing except he came home at 11:30 pm the same night.  He was home for about 10 min stood by the back door texted someone then came & hugged me & wouldn't let me go past the back door to the bedroom. W/in min a huge piece of concrete came crashing through the livingroom window. I seen the concrete, nothing attached, & I said what the h*** was that!! No response from him no reaction at all he just looked at me like he was studing me. I was the only one to run outside to see who could've done that. He moved his son from the couch to the master bedroom, he put his 3 yr old son on the couch. His son's bedroom was gross, & not cleaned just a bunch of gross stuff in it until I cleaned it. He then came outside & handed me a note he said he found in front of a green chair IN the house.  A note will not detach it'self from a rock/concrete. No rips no tears in the note. The concrete was down the foyer to the front door. The next day he disapeared for 6 days w/no contact. When he came home it was almost like he was pissed at me for being there. So, it makes since that he had his neighbor do it since he says his neighbor does bad things. Their are so many other things I could say like trying to trap me by his brother-n-law trying to sleep w/me. I found out they set that up, which it didn't happen & his sister knew about it.  He has made me feel like I'm crazy & for a moment I thought I was.  I was forced into a mental place for a weekend becasue of sucide thoughts.  Does this kind of sound like a psychopath/sociopath or just a mean person?  Thank you for your time.

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Bev January 6, 2014 at 2:21 pm

Also Ms. Susan, for the past 8 months he has been talking about money problems. He loans his family money & they don't pay him back, His brother-n-law told me that he never works & his brother-n-law does & so does his sister. This is true because I'll see him home when he says he's at work.  Twice now he has wanted to borrow money $1100.00 which I would loan to him but I would be loaning it to someone who goes a month w/o seeing me & weeks/month w/o talking to me. It's hard to loan money to someone who says they love me but then doesn't come see me. I moved out of his house after those 2 incidents because he never came home before or after. I know I'm long winded but I just was hoping someone would say I was right about him

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Susan Schiller January 7, 2014 at 11:55 am

Dear Bev,

It sounds like you already know the nature of the man by the crazy-making, the lies and excuses, the setups, etc. It’s good to be “long-winded” if you haven’t had someone to validate how you’re feeling. You need to talk, you need to vent. Otherwise you can end up feeling crazy and suicidal, which has happened to you in the past.

There’s a term called “gaslighting” which you have probably come across in your research, which describes some of your friend’s behavior toward you. The incidents you described here sound very much like a person who is bent on destroying you. You’re already beat down from a previous loveless relationship, and the little bit of attention he gave you in the beginning was the perfect lure.

I hope my words are validation enough for you to feel confident in closing this harmful relationship for good and for you to not feel bad about discontinuing all communication with him, if you can. I hope you are getting good professional help because it’s amazing how much damage to our brains even just two years in a bad relationship like you’ve described can inflict on us. You may want to listen to an audio by a doctor who educates us about the neuroscience behind pathological relationships. It’s at: http://heartscribes.org/neuroscience-pathological-love-relationships/

Those of us who have been harmed by pathological love relationships tend to attract more of the same. There’s a neurological reason behind that, explained in the audio. It’s up to us to educate ourselves and to begin to practice radical self-care. You deserve to be loved, Bev… and protected, honored, and cherished.

You have put up with a lot over the course of many years. You must have a very tender heart. You are welcome to share here whenever you like, Bev, even if it’s just to vent. We all need to do that. If you want it to be private, you are welcome to email me.

I bless you in your search for information and good resources to help you bounce back from this! You are loved and you deserve so much better than what you’ve experienced!

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Susan Schiller January 7, 2014 at 7:34 am

Hi Bev,

Thanks so much for sharing from your heart here. I’ve replied to your 2nd comment. Thanks 🙂

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Keri Kight August 31, 2013 at 10:38 pm

You are such a strong woman, as our all women that go through this.  My ex boyfriend was crazy.  I've never used the word sociopath when talking about him, but I think I will start using it as that's exactly what he was.  When we were together, we moved to a new town together, and ended up getting a job at the same business.  He then started telling everyone that we weren't together, and we were just friends.  He would barely talk to me at work, and then started telling everyone how I was doing things wrong and messing up work related stuff.  It was heartwrenching because I didn't even realize he was doing it at first.  It wasn't until I asked my boss for a raise that I realized that he was telling everyone these things.  He made me feel so stupid and unworthy.  When I finally had the courage to leave him, he started stalking me and I had to get a restraining order.  I moved back home, and my father told me that he hoped I had learned my lesson.  I felt so alone and confused.  I'm glad that you are telling your story, and I plan to tell my soon on my blog.  

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Susan Schiller September 1, 2013 at 2:59 pm

Hi Keri… I sensed that you had experienced the touch of a sociopath in your life. I’m so sorry for the confusion and crisis that resulted. Career sabotage is a common way sociopaths try to destroy your life and it usually blindsides us because we can’t begin to imagine the depths of their depravity. When my counselors began using the word “sociopath” to describe my ex-husband, it took me a long time to accept it. I had to do a lot of reading, but once you begin to hear other women’s stories, it all begins to sound the same.

We commonly tell each other, “We married the same man!” It’s because they act in the same ways, employ the same strategies, and it’s all so predictable. The value in telling our stories is that it shortens the learning curve for other women, and hopefully can provide a “vaccination” against abuse for younger women who hear our stories. You are welcome to share your story here, too, Keri – you’ve learned so much from your experience and I look forward to hearing the whole story!

Thanks so much for sharing today! 🙂

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Linda Honea August 30, 2013 at 9:33 pm

Susan, you are one of the bravest women I know.  And I am proud to be your friend!
In Him, we live, and move, and have our being…

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Susan Schiller August 31, 2013 at 10:59 am

I wouldn’t be here without you, my friend – thanks for your wisdom, love, and joyful friendship! 🙂

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