Rescue & Restore

Understanding Sociopaths & Abuse Tactics in Order to Rescue & Restore the Victims

By: Susan Deborah Schiller

A Wisdom Library – A Supplement to the articles and stories found below.

While the number of survivors emerging from abuse are swelling dramatically in numbers, there aren't enough pastors, counselors, and therapists who are specifically trained in helping a survivor of sociopathic or narcissist abuse. In fact, survivors are helping to educate their therapists, these day!

Up until now, these victims have been suffering silently and the abuse is rapidly compounding.

Survivors will not get closure from a pathological person; rather, they need to get the facts for themselves, to have closure. A certain amount of education in pathologicals is necessary in the healing journey.

We can help these survivors by recognizing the red flags of sociopathic and narcissitic abuse. You don't have to have a degree or be an expert to love an abuse victim, even to be a 'first responder'.

Jesus, himself, was just a common working man. It's the common, ordinary people who have helped me the most in recovering and healing from sociopathic abuse. So don't be afraid if someone comes to you with an unusual story of brokenness and abuse, and you don't know what do say or do!

The following articles and resources will equip and empower you to recognize the signs of a pathological relationship and how to help a survivor escape and recover.

Thank you for visiting today!

What is a Sociopath?

A narcissist or a sociopath may be male, female, adult, or child. They look like your next door neighbor, and statistically 1 out of every 25 people are classified with this disorder, making it very likely that you already know several of them. They are very sick people, but you would never know it to meet them. Sociopathic brains are structured differently and they are incapable of feeling empathy; however, they mask this weakness with expertise. We love to love them, for they are charming and appear to confident and knowledgeable. Sociopaths usually represent authority figures in our world, especially those in the "trusted" professions like "pastor" or "counselor". We love to love them, even though it only brings death and destruction. Read More

God HATES abusers! The Church tends to love and protect them. They are children of the devil, not of God.

They are murderers and liars under a "front" of Christianity. These people should not be treated as normal people. They shouldn't be blessed or given grace.

They are not governed by their passions, but by the heart of their father, the devil. They are not like David, who murdered and lied, but then repented. They know what they are doing. They plan what they do…. Read more   Sermon Audio by Sam Powell

Neuroscience Behind Pathological Love Relationships

Many people commonly exclaim, "We married the same man!" It's because pathological people behave in a certain way, sharing the same personality characteristics, and employing the same strategies.

The best way to gain closure is to gain a certain level of understanding of pathologicals.

You don't have to go to school or get a degreee to process the basics of pathological behavior. In fact, I've gathered a "Wisdom Library" for you, to give you access to the stories of many different people, in addition to a whole section of stories focusing on pathological relationships. Survivors of pathological relationships have impaired brains. It makes it very hard to make good decisions and it makes you feel like you've lost yourself.   Read More

This post is dedicated to Bethany Deaton, now deceased, in the hopes that sharing her story will help to awaken the Body of Christ to the reality of evil within our midst, and to the particular prey that it stalks and kills. It's a wake up call to all of us, to watch for the signs and symptoms and to know how to take action.  

Bethany was loving and kind – the type of person who wanted to embrace life to the fullest, loving all the people around her deeply. She was exceptionally intelligent, competent, and "luminous". She was extraordinarily talented and had big dreams to use her creativity to make a difference in the world, especially among the poor and oppressed. She had high asperations deeply rooted in strong biblical values.  Read More

The greatest evil today is not found in occult games, movies, and toys. The most hideous evil lurks behind the mask of Christian pastors, teachers, and leaders.

They don't have red eyes, horns, fangs, or other distinguishing characteristics. No, like Lucifer himself, they are powerful beings of LIGHT! Charming, popular, "anointed," and operating in signs, wonders, and miracles, these "Christians" are propogating a faith that has all the appearance (proper doctrine, the right worship songs, great Scriptural teaching from accepted Bible translations, etc).

Its hideous strength is the very fact that it poses as true religion.

In the parable of the wheat and tares, Jesus taught us that some children are born of God and others are born of Lucifer. Even angels cannot tell the difference!

These tares can be found in 4% of our population. In modern language, we call them sociopaths. One of their preferred career paths is "pastor". One sociopath alone can create havoc in hundreds and thousands of lives and if they are not exposed and treated properly, the trauma is passed down through generations.

These are not simply wounded people who hurt people. Their sole motive is to cause chaos and pain. While we can't judge a person's motives, we can judge the fruit of their actions. Victims are murdered and witnesses are silenced.   Read More

Why is the Christian Abuser the Worst?

Written by a pastor for pastors...I think that Christians are faced with the worst kind of abuser — the "Christian" abuser.  The person who claims to be a Christian but who is nothing but a facade and who, in reality, is a power and control motivated, entitlement-thinking wolf in wool.  And it is important for us to realize this.  Not only are we often the most naive people when it comes to "getting it" about abuse, but we in the Christian church often have to face the most evil abusers. The fact that an abuser who is a professing Christian is the worst kind of abuser also has implications for victims and for those who would help those victims.  A woman, for example, whose husband is of this sort is actually facing an even more intensified degree of abuse.  Why?  Because, let me say it once more, being wicked and at the same time choosing to masquerade as a Christian requires a greater degree of evil.   Read More

What are pastors saying about domestic violence in our church families and abuser-friendly churches?

Written by a pastor in an open letter to other pastors: 

We are calling upon other conservative, Bible-believing churches and pastors to do the same things and to stop creating abuser-friendly cultures in our churches.  It is important to become educated and wise in regard to the mentality and tactics of abuse.

My first step in this process in our own church, with the support of our elders, was to preach a 21 part sermon series entitled “The Psychology of Evil.”  Why that title?  Because you will not find any more fruitful field of study to help you understand evil in its bare, essential form than the study of the psychology and methods of the abuser.  Behind his deceptive facade, the abuser is a living, breathing textbook on evil.  Read More

An Open Letter to Stormie O'Martian regarding her book, "The Power of a Praying Wife" written by a survivor. This book demonstrates the most common advice given to married women to strengthen their marriages, but if this advice is taken by an abuse survivor, she may end up DEAD! This letter highlights the importance of educating Christians about how to handle domestic violence, as our books, conferences, and churches are commonly helping to perpetuate abuse, through lack of knowledge.

What does the Bible say about pastors who are sociopaths?

Sociopaths have studied Christianity as well or better than true Christians and due to their charming and charismatic personalities, they preach and teach in such a way that draws people in and makes them very popular. Jesus told a parable about the "wheat and tares" explaining how God had planted a field of wheat (His people) and the enemy came in during the night and sowed tares (which look exactly like wheat but are unhealthy, noxious weeds). Jesus said that the wheat and tares look so identical that not even the angels in heaven can tell them apart!  

This article explores how God sees sociopaths, what he plans to do about them, how we can protect ourselves, and the benefits of the sociopaths provide us, in God's justice system. Read More

While the number of survivors emerging from abuse are swelling dramatically in numbers (sociopaths are 4% of the population, or 1 out of 25 people), there aren't enough pastors, counselors, and therapists who are specifically trained in helping a survivor of sociopathic or narcissist abuse.

Jesus, himself, was just a common working man. It's the common, ordinary people who have helped me the most in recovering and healing from sociopathic abuse. So don't be afraid if someone comes to you with an unusual story of brokenness, abuse, and you don't know what do say or do!  Read More

 

Home is at the very core of our being… a safe place… a place of unconditional love and acceptance. No wonder it's the very place a sociopath wants to destroy! … From all appearances, a sociopath seems ultra-generous, kind, sympathetic, understanding, and knows just how you want to be loved. It's a facade, of course, and once they know you know the truth, it's all over for you.

I fear for their souls, but I believe they have hearts. … If we as the Body of Christ can WAKE UP and recognize the DANGER we are putting the sociopaths in by HIDING and DENYING the reality of what is really happening… we might be able to save so many more souls! We need to listen to the stories of survivors. Instead, most survivors are not believed. In fact, they are blamed and shamed! Read More

If it weren't for the pain of sociopathic abuse I might have conformed to the world, but as a result, I broke up with normal and discovered REAL LIFE!

Like an obedient child, I tried very hard to conform to this world, but I broke up with normal quite a few years ago. Like a porcelain statue, the world of illusions shattered around me, some of the shards piercing my soul. Pain inside and pain outside, no nonsense sentinels alerting me to the toxic waters I was swimming in, endangering my soul.

If it weren't for the pain, I would have conformed. I might have fit in. But I never would have been happy. I would have lost my soul and missed out on the magical life you and I are designed to live… a life of abundance and joy.   Read More

 

You are meant not merely to SURVIVE sociopathic abuse, but to turn around and defeat evil's plan to subjugate you and terrorize your family!

The world has enough victims. My counselors told me I was the most abused woman they had met in many years of counseling. I doubt anyone would want to compete for that title!  But God has a justice system, and whatever it is that has defeated you in your own life, is the very thing you are designed to defeat. With every problem there is an equal or greater provision. Each dilemma is equipped with its own solution. It's time to make the leap from "victim" to "avenger."

Jumping back to this morning and waking up to the dream message, "Some people think I don't intervene and rescue them, when in reality I set in motion a plan to save every family and individual on earth. It's called "The Avengers."  I had never heard the phrase before, so I looked it up. In the Old Testament, a blood avenger is someone related to you by blood, or a kinsmen. Their job is to protect your extended family. Hit man and body guard, all-in-one. … I believe God is saying that He's not worried about the end of the world. He's got some surprises up His sleeve. Maybe one of those surprises is you and me…. and like the superheroes in "The Avengers," maybe we just all need to learn to cooperate instead of fight.   Read More

What scares you?

"I'm grooming you to grin in the face of disaster," said Papa God as I made my daily fear-dump in a worn out leather journal. Escaping a cult-church and an abusive husband at the same time had left me isolated, alone to wrestle the growing fear monsters in the basement of my soul.

It was a time of deep grieving: the loss of family and friends, church and ministry, business and most of my assets. The hardest thing to grieve was the loss of my dream… the story victims of cults create to maintain the facade of "normal" inside the cult. It was as if a giant smashed his hand into my face, ripping off my identity, and snapping my spine at the neck. I felt paralyzed, naked, and abandoned. A part of me just wanted to die and get it over with. It required a complete separation from church for many years, to detox. In the tradition of Abraham leaving his homeland and everything familiar to tramp around in the wilderness with only the Father's promise that one day he would find his Promised Land, I began my life as a nomad.  Read More

Do you see the connection, as I do, between covenant love and the healing of the backbone of society, which is the family?This is a CURE! Our modern wedding vows are not biblical! Our modern view of marriage needs to be upgraded!

I was reading a scientific article in Forbes written by Bill Frezza earlier this year, regarding the overwhelming evidence that scientific research is being manipulated and controlled by the powers that be, even to the point of cover-ups and deliberate falsifying of data. It's about money and control… power. And the same exact thing is happening in religion and politics and education and all of the systems of this world.

Do we wail like victims and bemoan the state of the world, or is there something practical we can do to create change?

I'm adapting Bill Frezza's words in saying this: Something needs to be done to change the culture to make it easier to root out the bad apples. Too much is at stake to let this go – not just because of the women who are crying and dying due to pathological love relationships, but because bad Christianity threatens to mislead the vast majority of good Christians who wouldn’t dream of abusing anyone.

The change will come not from church policies, but from the conscientious action of brave individuals. If you witness or hear about spiritual abuse / domestic violence and you don’t speak out, consider yourself part of the problem. What if all the nice, good Christians were to wake up to the reality of pathological love relationships within the Body of Christ?   Read More

Rebuilding: Life After the Sociopath

I used to wonder if it would ever be possible to live a normal life again, if the pain would finally go away.Now I know the answer is "Yes, the pain will begin to go. It will fade away faster when you take time to care for yourself and to open your heart to trust again.

What is a Smear Campaign and How Do You Handle all the Slander, Accusations, and Betrayals?

A smear campaign is most commonly launched before or immediately after an abuse victim speaks up for herself. You die, piece by piece, each time your voice is silenced… each time you are shunned… each time you are blamed and shamed. It can be tempting to defend yourself with the Truth, especially in the case of a smear campaign, but a sociopath is not fazed by your words. They may actually believe their own lies, as hard as that is to believe. The reality is that most people will believe the sociopath's clever lies, because he or she is much more practiced in manipulating and controlling people than you are. The reality is, that most church leaders and most civil servants of the justice system do not know or have the power to stop sociopathic abuse. Most of the time, the victims are blamed or simply ignored. God has not left you defenseless; however, and in fact, He has a plan to cause you to benefit from what He calls "glory enhancers". God wants to give you spoils of war!  Read More

Portrait of a narcissistic or sociopathic pastor

My eyes were opening to the mess we had made of church, even though outwardly our "success" level was hitting the roof. I kept thinking, "Something is wrong, right in the core of how we do church, but I can't put my finger on it!"

In the midst of great "success" in church, this story shows what often happens behind the scenes. Good people get easily snared in the trap and most are asleep to the damage that is happening right in front of their eyes! In a sequel to this story, "The Love Test" is a true story that opened my eyes, finally, to the deep darkness that cloaked the deeds of evil right in front of everyone's eyes… and no one knew what to do.  Read More

Why don't Christians understand sociopathic and narcissistic abuse?

What if… Jesus came to our church. What clothes would he wear, what would he drive, what would he think of our conversations, and how would he respond to our sermons? What would he think of our inner thoughts and private lives? Would He perhaps show up in the form of a lonely girl? Someone people called "Trailer Trash"?

When you dare to question a sociopathic church leader, your future is predictably aborted: you will be slandered, accused behind your back, told that you are "dangerous", and eventually terminated and/or shunned. Other church members will be told to stay away from you, and you will indeed "forfeit all" you worked so hard for. This story is a love test, and in passing the test all my illusions were shattered as I embraced the truth.  Read More

How to turn sociopathic abuse into blessings…

What if the ultimate revenge is that whatever comes against us only serves to make us bigger, better, and more beautiful? I once recorded a dream in my diary called, "Glory Enhancers" where I sensed God's smile as He taught me the purpose of enduring trials… especially the trials where people smack your reputation to pieces with their poisonous hit-and-run slander. They drive their words like drunks speeding down a freeway, oblivious to the lives they are crushing in the teeth of their accusations.

These are good people, mind you. Pastors and ministry leaders, even. Family and friends do this all the time, especially if you are thinking outside of the box and moving away from the role they expected you to play. If you no longer talk like them, look like them, or go play the expected role it somehow threatens them and they feel they  must strike in order to protect their comfort zone. Just your existence alone – nothing you say or do, necessarily – threatens them. The ultimate revenge: Every curse becomes a blessing. Every area of defeat is turned into a victory. You see, God ALWAYS promises DOUBLE! That is, if we keep standing in our freedom and not capitulating to the pressure of conformity to the culture's ways. If you've fallen down, it's time to RISE UP!    Read More

What do you do when people keep hurting you over and over again? Is there a biblical due process for church and family relationships where abuse is involved?

Written by marriage counselor, Kimberly Dimick:

Jesus said, Go to them and directly in love confront the hurt feelings. If they will not listen then take others or witnesses. If that does not work…THEN put the final boundary line and do not engage in relationship but leave the relationship the way it is until, hopefully, the other will make the offense or hurt right. We are called to live at peace with ALL people, is much as it is in our power to do so. To me, that says, that there may be nothing one can do to facilitate peace with one who refuses it.
I know I have made the mistake of getting hurt and complaining about it to others or family members but was not really honest with the actual person who hurt me. God taught me through trial and error that I had to live my life in relationship deliberately and not let things go that were important enough.   Read More

Why do I get criticized and even condemned when I ask sincerely question how we do things at church?

Written by Dr. Stephen Crosby: The next time someone tries to dismiss you with the shibboleth of the hour: “you’re just wounded.” Take heart. You might be, and you might not be, and it has very little to do with the legitimacy of your differences and concerns. If every thought, concern, objection, or criticism you have, is dismissed with the wave of the magic-wand of “woundedness,” you need to rethink your associations. You may be in a cult, and if not a cult, you are in a very unhealthy spiritual relationship. For your sake, I beseech you in the mercies of the Lord, do not let other psychological and social pressures keep you in an environment and relationships that are detrimental to your spiritual well-being. Make a change, no matter what the cost.  Read More

 

Why don't church leaders listen to victims of abuse?

A Biblical and Godly Challenge written by Pastor Jim Wright:

Until you learn to be more offended at the abusers – and their complicit co-conspirators of cover-up – than at those who dare expose them … Until you stop your own complicity of self-serving silence and willful ignorance … … you gravely sin against God and His people. Repent, and start learning to walk in integrity as true elders among His people once more.

Let’s get things back on track as we again affirm the Living Word, submit to His written Word, and walk in integrity.  Read More

 

How do you pray when it feels like you're in a free fall and you're in the abyss of despair?

A word from Dr. Stephen Crosby: There is an intimacy with the Father, and a fraternity with the Son, that can only be subjectively experienced when we have stared at the darkness and thrown ourselves in. It is what Jesus did at Calvary and in the grave, facing it, going there willingly with nothing other than hope in a promise: “You will not leave my soul in Sheol, nor allow me to see corruption.” Until resurrection morning, all is darkness, and we can’t “faith confess” our way out of it. For the children of Israel, the last minute of the last hour, of the last day of the 39th year of wilderness wanderings looked exactly like every day that had preceded it . . . but then . . . resurrection dawn. I get discouraged as much as anyone, but somehow, if I must fall, I have learned to fall forward, or more recently, “fall in.” Read More

Will anything good come out of being a victim of sociopathic abuse?

A word from Kimberly Dimick: Our pain now takes on a glorious purpose. Whether you stay for now or you go…. God is WITH you. You may not FEEL it, you may question yourself and God and the enemy of your soul may seek to destroy you but God's children do not lose in the end. You will get closer to God through every single thing you walk through. And you do go through. maybe not today or tomorrow but its time is fixed so that you can be able to bear it.   Read More

 

 

What can I do to protect my children from sociopathic abuse?

The harm that a sociopath brings into your life is nothing compared to the hurt of seeing your children hurting and not being able to stop their pain.

TRUE LOVE PREVAILS: I carried these three words in my heart for many years. They were on my cell phone and laptop screen savers and wallpaper. I spoke those three words; I breathed them in through the tears.

"Wait for the window to open," they told me. When children are teenagers they are old enough to make their own decisions but not old enough to understand the complex dynamics of sociopathic or narcissistic abuse. Read More

 

How do you heal the invisible, deep psychological wounds?

There are victims of domestic war and traumatic spiritual abuse, right here in our homes and churches, who are suffering the aftershocks of deep psychological violence just as much as a soldier on the front. Many of these victims are needless casualities of war; their gifts, their destinies, and their lives are often aborted in the rush of our hectic lives.

Yes, there is a way to get your life back, to recover your soul. There's one man who paid the price for your freedom, and that's Christ Jesus. It's meant to be simple, even if you've been exposed to the vilest evil in the world and you've lived with a sociopath or two. You might lose everything before you begin to really live, but your real life begins with a resurrection. Your healing won't cost you and arm and a leg. You can get your life back.  Read More

Why do some victims just quietly leave, never speaking up?

Why doesn't she tell someone? Why doesn't she get help? Leave?

What happened in my own experience, as well as many of the survivors I have listened to, is that the longer the abuse goes on and the more the victim tries to do something about it, the greater the abuse escalates behind closed doors. In most cases, her abuser is a well-loved, very charismatic, and a charming "believer in the Lord". He may be a pastor, an elder or a deacon, a doctor, or in other ways a well-respected and admired member of her society. Once she confronts him and seeks to get help, the abuse escalates and the effects are devastating. In many cases, she becomes an accomplice to the evil, complicit with her silence.  Read More

In many cases, these victims are left with no resources. The abuser often takes full control of the finances, their identity, and in the cruelest twist of all, turns the victim's family and friends against her.

Why doesn't she just leave the abusive situation?

I want to wake up these good people. I share this story because there are thousands of wives right now who are suffering in silence. They don't come to church with black eyes or broken bones. Their wounds are much deeper, invisble to the eye. Their husbands are elders, deacons, and pastors… beloved by their family and friends. When these women dare to break their silence, it's rare that their story is believed. And that's when the real danger begins… when they dare to speak.

It's rare to find a church leader who is familiar with this all-too-common story or know how to handle these devices – these family-breaking, marriage-destroying strategies. The vast majority of friends and family, clergy and counselors, will shun you, if you speak up. They will tell you to look to your own soul, work on your own issues. This is why telling our stories is helping!  Read More

Isn't it better to remain silent rather than to risk division or a messy public battle?

No one ever guessed our secret, because I was the silent accomplice to his verbal threats. What brought us to the boiling point of a rage that threatened to spill over into murder? Simply, it was ignorance of evil. Most Christians today know very little of the depth of evil in our world today. In this ignorance, we unwittingly call evil good, and good evil. Evil of the most powerful kind is cloaked in the guise of good. More often than not, the body it inhabits has the face of "pastor," "counselor," "doctor," or "teacher."

It is not true grace to silently endure abuse. There is a lot of "false grace" teaching in the church today.  I am grateful to serve a God of grace and mercy, who loves us unconditionally and who does not see our sin, because of what Jesus did for us on the Cross. But consider this: If I had continued to suffer in silence, offering my husband the kind of grace the church expected would anything have changed? I offered "grace" for nearly 20-years. I offered "grace" as a result of my pastor's counseling and teaching.   Read more

What does the spouse of a sociopath deal with on daily basis?

Living with a narcissist or a sociopath is a day-by-day fight for survival. Often, due to shared child custody and visitation, the abuse never ends; and in fact, the abuse becomes much more subtle, clever, and designed to make you feel like you're going crazy. It's rare to find someone in your immediate circle of friends and family who understand what is happening, so you feel isolated.

It's predictable behavior, every last detail. Evil simply does the same things over and over, and survivors often tell each other, "We married the same man!" Kara's story is a composite story of all the women in my support group… women whose primary calling was to be a full-time wife and mom… women who were cheerleaders for their husbands, leaders in their churches, even pastor's wives… women who "stood" for their marriage for more than two decades, usually closer to three… who purchased all the books and attended all the seminars, who applied the knowledge, but who ended up leaving home and leaving the churches who unknowingly supported the domestic violence.  Read More

Evil fears those of us who see behind the masks, who can predict the next moves, who can STOP the attacks. … I want to answer the Call to come out from hiding, to sacrifice my desire for quiet and solitude, when needed… to NOT BE SILENT any longer.

It may seem like little things (reading and writing) but the difference between Now and Wonderful is Education. What if Declan had written a book about the Jackal and Preston had read it… maybe the story would have been a lot shorter and with less blood spilled. I know it's just a movie, but the movie explains it so well.

I'm telling my story and 100 other stories… until the tide changes. The Jackal doesn't fear the Church. The Church is the Jackal's prey. We need to turn this around, my friends! The good guys don't hide. God is using women, like Isabella, today – all over the world – in a surprise turnaround for evil.    Read More

Be you. Live free. Tell your story.

With all my love,

Sue

Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate her way out of hell to a rich and satisfying life. In her lifetime, Susan has served in duties ranging from home school mom – to pastor –  to full-time deliverance minister – and to Midwest regional prayer coordinator for a large international ministry. These days you can usually find Susan soaking in her favorite hot springs pool, reading a book (or several), blogging, baking bread, or hanging out with her family and friends. You can pre-order a free copy of Susan's upcoming book, "On the Way Home" by registering here.

Copyright 2014, Susan Schiller, http://TeamFamilyOnline.com. For reprint permission for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller.