What About Forgiveness, When Living With a Sociopath?

What About Forgiveness?

By: Susan Deborah Schiller

Jesus commanded us to forgive each other, even up to 70 x 7 times, which means "unlimited grace". At the cross, with his dying breath, he prayed, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

In Light of His example, what are we to think, when it comes to living with a pathological liar, abuser, and someone who is intent on murdering our souls?

I wasn't married to a normal man. In fact, he used to tell me he wasn't a normal man and he asked me to please not treat him as a normal man. What he meant, was that he was a "super-man". He didn't need the Bible and he didn't have to pray, like normal people, for he was allowed to walk and talk with Jesus in the flesh, as he repeatedly told me.

His huge revelations and anointing for signs, wonders, and miracles made him "untouchable", he said. His "accountability partners" never bothered to talk to me or to know me well; therefore, he succeeded in being a monster, in private, while appearing as a saint in public.

In regard to forgiving this man, I have forgiven him… but in doing so, I also say, "Shalom" with honesty about what happened. My peacemaking is saying good-bye.

That is, I must make my own closure, because it's extremely rare that a victim gets true closure from a sociopath I won't forget the man who said, "I don't just hate you, I hate all women!" I won't forget the man who said to me, "I don't want to divorce you; I just want to watch you suffer. You're going to see what you missed!" 

You can't truly forgive a person who doesn't repent. Most of the time, it's because they are demonized, I believe.

I call this part of my ex-husband, the Widow Maker. I can forgive the man, but the spirit who controls him, and nearly possesses him, no way – I cannot forgive a demon.

A sociopath, in my own personal opinion based on 30 years of living with a sociopath, is very nearly possessed by a demon(s). They are highly toxic people, and every interaction you have with them is potentially lethal. 

Did Jesus forgive the money changers? Did he forgive the religious leaders who were deceiving people – the ones he called snakes, vipers, and whitewashed tombs?

Jesus called a snake a snake. He didn't forgive the snake for being deceptive. He exposed the deception. Jesus forgave the repentant one… the woman caught in adultery, the tax collector… He forgave everyone who was repentant. He knew their hearts, without them having to speak. 

He knew the ones who nailed His hands and feet to the cross. He knew the fickle crowd who roared, "Crucify him!" He knew they were deceived by their religious leaders. He forgave the repentant man on the cross next to his, but he said nothing about the other criminal on the other side.

I want to copy a little of what I wrote at "Shalom" and see what you think… test my words:

Some enemies are meant to return to us as friends. Others are "tares" or "children of the devil" and they have committed themselves to destruction. We cannot align ourselves with them. We cannot forgive them, give them grace, or have any type of fellowship with them. We are not even to pray for them or give them our blessing.

Even angels have trouble discerning who they are, as Jesus tells us in the parable of the wheat and tares. One of their favorite career paths is "pastor" and they are found prevalently in our churches, hospitals, and counseling offices. Only God is equipped to handle these people.

If you would like to learn more about why forgiveness, mercy, and grace can cause us to be accomplices to evil, in the case of dealing with sociopaths, I can refer you to Pastor Sam Powell, who provides much more insight on this than I can afford to get into on this page!

His sermon, "How to Deal with Abusive Men in Church" is availabe in the Rescue and Restore section of this website, or click here.

Remember, pathological relationships are completely different, even opposite, of normal relationships. Forgiveness, mercy, and grace can cause us to be accomplices to evil, in the case of dealing with people who have pathological problems such as sociopathy. 

Nevertheless, we must have closure, and there will never be a rational way to have closure with a person who is irrational, so you must create your own closure.

For most of us, the person we need most to forgive is ourselves… and God. If it helps you to forgive your abuser and God leads you to do so, please do. But only when you are ready. Only you know when you are ready.

Our anger is meant to serve a purpose, to wake us up, to see that our souls have been in danger. To forgive early on, may cause us to return to the abuser.

My friend Kimberly Dimick, say this:

"I found this (a friend's dream, warning her to be aggressive against the wolf in sheep's clothing, otherwise it would return even more aggressively) interesting that it was specifically a wolf trying to devour her. That tells me that these men ARE wolves and out for destruction. It is hard sometimes as a Christian to really have to admit one is clearly recognizing EVIL. No wonder why God did not want us to eat from that "tree".

We are created for relationship and to behold our Savior who is so lovely! It goes against what we think or have been told God's love is. It is not easy seeing the aspect of God's nature and character as JUST. Yes, His justice is beautiful in regards to justifying a truly repentant sinner. That is amazing grace. Learning how to walk circumspectly, knowing to be on the look out for evil takes wisdom and discernment. Who wants to see evil clearly? Not me, but it is necessary to save lives."

We must guard our hearts, and forgiving can feel like opening our hearts to them again. Forgiving can be a way of letting go, and sending them into God's arms, where He will know what to do with them.

Forgiving can be a way of disconnecting. Forgiving can be a way of freeing yourself, and so I do encourage you to forgive, if you are strong enough to stay away from your abuser, mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Forgiveness, as a form of release, can be healthy… but true forgiveness can only be extended to someone who is genuinely repentant. 

Extending true forgiveness to an abuser can harm them, you, and others. It's dangerous to forgive an unrepentant abuser! I can refer you to Pastor Sam Powell, for a much better explanation than I can present!

In the meantime, if someone is telling you to "forgive and move on," you may want to listen to your heart, and forgive with a healthy dose of wisdom. Take your time. Forgiveness is important, but you don't want to give away your soul in the process. Pathological 'love' is tricky!

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With all my love,

Sue

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Tagged as: Deborah White Dove, Writing a Life Story