Closure with an Abuser

By: Deborah White Dove

Some enemies are meant to return to us as friends. Others are "tares" or "children of the devil" and they have committed themselves to destruction. We cannot align ourselves with them. We cannot forgive them, give them grace, or have any type of fellowship with them. We are not even to pray for them or give them our blessing. They are in God's hands, the only hands safe enough to handle them.

Even angels have trouble discerning who they are, as Jesus tells us in the parable of the wheat and tares. One of their favorite career paths is "pastor" and they are found prevalently in our churches, hospitals, and counseling offices. Only God is equipped to handle these people.

If you would like to learn more about why forgiveness, mercy, and grace can cause us to be accomplices to evil, in the case of dealing with sociopaths, I can refer you to Pastor Sam Powell, who provides much more insight on this than I can afford to get into on this page! His sermon, "How to Deal with Abusive Men in Church" is highly recommended.

The reason we don't "forgive and move on" is because they have stolen part of our soul, and we need to reclaim the missing pieces.

Remember, pathological relationships are completely different, even opposite, of normal relationships. Forgiveness, mercy, and grace can cause us to be accomplices to evil, in the case of dealing with people who have pathological problems such as sociopathy. Nevertheless, we must have closure, and there will never be a rational way to have closure with a person who is irrational, so you must create your own closure.

In this letter, I will identify my enemy and name what was stolen. These are the first two steps to getting your life back, as God has been showing me throughout the past years. I call it "Shalom, My Brother" because, as I explain in detail at the end, shalom is one of the most powerful words in language.

Dear Widow Maker – the One who Left,

You have shown me a kindness you never intended. You have mirrored to me my own self-righteous, self-centered, judgmental ways. Because of you I wept and cried for my sins. I repented and turned my face heavenward. I bowed down and offered my brokenness to the One who could transform me.

In grace and mercy, my God brought justice into my life, as I let go of the sum total of all those sins, the source of my pride. I see more clearly now and by crying "Shalom!" I am bringing heaven to earth, establishing peace. It's up to you how you will respond.

I cry out, "Shalom!" to you, my enemy – my brother. I will identify what you have done to me. I will not be silent, for otherwise it will be a toxic deposit in my bones.

Our relationship was built on lies. You smiled so kindly and made me come alive with your charm and good humor. You made me feel confident and together we dreamed big dreams. I gave you my trust.

I gave you my all… the title to my paid-for car, access to my bank account and life savings, the hearts of my children and grandchildren. I gave up three jobs and two businesses so that you could do what you wanted to do and I relocated five times to go with you where you wanted to go. I laid down my life for you.

When you left me you took with you my property, and you smeared my reputation. In exchange for the good I did for you, all those years when you could not take care of yourself and needed me to support you during a health crisis.

You allowed a little bit of fame and fortune to fill you with malice toward the one person who knows you inside and out. You were afraid of my integrity because you had a fortune to make. My honesty was in your way, so you felt you had to portray me as the monster you, yourself, are.

Many have shunned me. I was sent into exile.

Because you can preach with passion and with an anointing for signs, wonders, and miracles, these people believe you and reject me, in my absence. Due to my silence, I became an unwilling accomplice to your deception.

You told our marriage counselors that you were deliberately sabotaging me because you were afraid that people would love me best. And because I wouldn't go along with your sob story for the purpose of financial gain, you finally left me… with a lie, telling me that God told you I worshiped another God and we could never be partners again.

I forgave you when you said to me, "I don't just hate you, I HATE ALL WOMEN!" But I couldn't keep letting you take me for nightly interrogations and I would be dead today if I continued listening to you speak of destroying my life.

I have so much to be grateful for. I am praying for you, believing God to shine light into your dark prison, with walls of hatred and locked by insecurity and jealousy. 

I wish you, "Shalom" for I need to say good-bye to the Widow Maker, to the One Who Left. As I say, "Shalom," for I invite the real you to break free from evil's control. I leave you in God's hands with this one word, Shalom.

And with this word, I forgive you, the real you behind all those defenses, of all these debts, and I sweep my heart clean of all offense. I really do hope that we will be friends again, under different circumstances, standing and walking in the Light.

I would be happy to call you my brother and friend again, if you decide to allow God to give you a contrite heart, demonstrated in real repentance and doing the opposite of what you've done before. I will know your repentance is real when you do your best to restore all that's been stolen, as listed above. Yet, even if you don't, my God will. You owe me nothing, but I do claim my double-portion – two mercies for every woe – from the enemy of your soul and mine.

Since I will never have a proper closure with you, I simply say, Shalom. This is my formal, official, final good-bye.

The following is a list  of definitions of shalom, composed by a story sister, Alison Luna, and I hope it blesses you as much as it did me!

Shalom –
–       peace between two entities
–       well-being
–       state of safety
–       to make amends
–       to make good
–       to be (or make) peace
–       to restore
–       prosperity
–       wholeness

Variations of Shalom –
–       [hishtalem] “it was worth it”
–       [shulam] “it was paid for”
–       [meshulam] “paid in advance
–       [shalam] “hope of wholeness”

It's okay to be weak. It's okay to be real. More than okay – it's the path to living in freedom, free of shame, and being wholehearted.

If you have been a victim of a spiritually abusive relationship, involving sociopaths or even a lesser evil, your soul is in danger. The BEST way to recover your soul is to paint your own self-portrait, in words… and that is where our next activation takes us! You're going to learn how to get that double-portion!

Writing Prompts: In the meantime, do you have a "Shalom" letter you might write?

Contact me     Kind Words from Readers     What I Believe   My Story

With all my love,

Sue

Hi, I'm Deborah White Dove. Yes, it's my pen name, and it was given to me by a blind man who shyly whispered it to me in a Divine encounter. Yes, it's my real picture… just an ordinary selfie in my backyard. 

I live with my family in the mountains, surrounded by ancient forests, pure streams, and mighty rivers. I work at a local grocery store to earn my living. My earthly needs are simple as I try to let my inner child lead me, instead of me trying to be what the world says I should be and do.

My kingdom of God career is a Heart Scribe. I love to write from God's heart and have been recording His living Word for the past three decades. It's brought me so much beauty, joy, peace, and happiness! 

I love to inspire trauma survivors to write their life stories, unearthing the treasures of their past and sowing them into the future. We dip our pens in blood and write the pain away… as God has shown me how to do, in the company of supportive friends and family. We are writing ourselves into a better world and it's the most exciting place to be!

Copyright © 2017 Heart Scribes, All rights reserved.   For reprint permission or for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact me. 

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Susan Schiller March 30, 2015 at 8:16 am
SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by MARSHA BURNS:
How you treat others is important to Me, says the Lord.  Meanness and hard-heartedness come from the kingdom of darkness, but you belong to Me.  I want you to be kind, loving, and forgiving.  If you have faith and believe that you belong to Me, your actions need to reflect the light that comes from My kingdom.  It is time to make an honest assessment of your behavior and make the necessary adjustments.  Colossians 3:12-14 Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. 

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Susan Schiller May 21, 2014 at 7:58 am
SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by MARSHA BURNS:
  
 Refuse to allow any darkness at all in your soul or spirit.  Walk in the light of truth.  Be kind and do good to everyone in your sphere of influence.  It is time to cleanse your heart of all offense and be a vessel of My love, says the Spirit of the Lord.  Rise up to a new and solid place of peace and righteousness in your heart.  
 
Psalms 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
 

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Joyce Lagana March 9, 2014 at 4:42 am

Susan,

If I could speak for Abba, I believe He would tell you how pleased He is with your willingness to embrace the past and forgive the abuser.  With His amazing love, He has made all things new.  Truly you were sleeping with the enemy, and your courage in telling your story is a beacon of hope to others who are suffering.  May your heart of love be forever encased in the hands of the Almighty.

Joyce L.

Reply

Susan Schiller March 11, 2014 at 8:19 am

Hi Joyce,

My forgiveness is mainly for my benefit, as there is no true closure from a pathological relationship. I don't think we need to forgive our abusers (see sermon from Pastor Sam Powell at http://heartscribes.org/dealing-with-abusive-men-in-the-church/ ) but we need closure for our own health and safety.

God may show each of us what is good in our own situation, but for me, it was helpful to say "Shalom" – as a formal good-bye and an indirect prayer for whatever human is left in his soul to receive God's peace.

I don't believe we should bless our abusers or have any contact whosoever…. but to gain closure, we need to do something. So this is the closest I've been able to come to gain closure. I will write my Shalom letters as often as I need to, for there has been more than one abuser in my life. For me, it gives me closure. I may need to alter my beliefs as God sheds more light.

This email from Marsha Burns makes so much sense, in this light…

SMALL STRAWS IN A SOFT WIND by MARSHA BURNS: 

  

I am moving My people to higher spiritual ground.  In order for you to be part of that company, you must individually release others from offense and division.  My Body is not fragmented; it is a whole unit.  You must forgive each other and love one another in righteousness from a pure heart, says the Lord.  Only then will you be available to advance spiritually.  
 

1 Peter 1:22  Since you have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit in sincere love of the brethren, love one another fervently with a pure heart.

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