Rising as a Phoenix from the Ashes

Rising as a Phoenix from the Ashes

By: Caleigh Royer    Photo Credit

Editor's Note: This article has been reprinted with permission by the author, Caleigh Royer. Caleigh's story speaks deeply to my own heart. As a survivor of spiritual abuse she gives voice to what so many of us have experienced. It's raw, straight from her beautiful heart. I hope you will give Caleigh the gift she deserves, a listening and compassionate ear. Thank you for reading – please leave us a comment at the bottom of this article – thanks!

As it has been evidenced in my past few posts, life has been full of a lot of crap hitting the fan recently, and it has been incredibly draining. I have had a lot of Fibromyalgia attacks recently, and it’s been really difficult to get a decent rest, and that drains me mentally, spiritually, and emotionally, as well as physically. My last post a week ago was definitely the lowest I’ve hit in a while, and it’s been harder than usual getting back up on my feet. The little girl inside me I left behind so long ago is waking back up, and I finally allowing her to have a voice. It has been difficult admitting to myself that I have wanted to die, that I was deeply hurt and torn when I found out the truth about my family, but I am learning to accept that I need to hear that voice.

I have been quietly resigning myself to hiding and watching as I put such a raw post out there last week. I seriously didn’t know what to expect and I certainly didn’t expect it would drain me so utterly as the post. After hitting publish I was knocked flat and felt dazed. I have felt in a fog for most of the past week. I have felt like I am fading away and am losing the “breath” in my spirit. Yet, at the same time, I felt more peace in my soul than I had last time I started falling apart. A dear friend pointed out to me that maybe it was the poisoned parts of me that were dying, and because those are all that I’ve ever known, that’s why it feels like I’m fading. I think she is on to something with this, and the more I thought about it, the more I could see what she is seeing. The toxic memories, broken parts of me are being resolved, pieced back together, and in some place having to be re-broken so they can heal properly this time.

I have always loved the symbolic meaning of a Phoenix. One of my favorite parts in Harry Potter is when Dumbledore’s Phoenix is reborn. I love the picture of something being reborn from the ashes. There is a certain kind of beauty that comes from having your beginning start with ashes. I knew walking into the deconstruction that it would be difficult, but I did not expect to be wiped out, dredging up memories I’d really rather not have to deal with. I am seeing now the beauty in re-breaking what has already been broken, and watching the cleansing tears as the broken bone is properly set and starts healing like it should. Deconstructing is a vicious fire, but one that is necessary in healing what needs to be healed.

I am learning that it is okay to be knocked flat and want to hide away. Sometimes I simply need the space, and really can only remind myself to keep breathing. I see a lot of people telling those hurting and burning in the deconstructing fire to just move on, don’t sulk, just forgive and move on. Telling that to someone who is trying to heal and let the process really work is like pulling your cake out of the oven half baked and calling it fully baked. It doesn’t work quite like that, and just wait, for those of us who are burning and crying from the pain of re-breaking our wounds, we are going to emerge with blazing colors and brave voices. It will be so worth the wait!

For those of us who have been so badly hurt by the church, by faith fundamentals, by family environment, those environments can be the worst for us to be in as we work through the brokenness, the pain, the burns. I have been burned and broken by all three of what I mentioned, and believe me when I say all three of those environments are anything BUT safe for me right now. I know this is just part of the deconstructing journey, but to force myself into situations that make me clam up, have a major trigger attack, and feel like I have to hide myself from people is not going to help me work through everything. When I say “please be gentle with me” I’m not saying tell me where I have the wrong ideas, or what you disagree with. I got some really great responses to my last post, and that helped a lot. The more I burn, the easier it is becoming to recognize the good and the easier it is to establish where I stand on some of the gray areas. But in the process, a lot of potentially good things like going to church, interacting with sincere “church” people, reading my bible, listening to worship songs, or even just talking the lingo has to be torn apart before I can go back to them with a new appreciation and an understanding of what to believe and what to push aside before it can hurt me.

I am finding my footing, and I am excited about what the future holds. Feeling relief over realizing that the things that are dying within me need to die is good. Seeing that even though sleepless nights, more FM attacks, and days when I hide are probably still going to be my path, it’s for the purpose of bring that my Phoenix back to life. The bad must burn away before the good can take flight again. Poison has a habit of sucking the life out of someone and not wanting to let go. For those who pray, pray for me as I wrestle the demons that are trying to keep the ashes just ashes. With every fire, there is a new beginning, and I want mine. I want to find that new beginning and run towards it. I have a very bright future I am now looking at and I am excited about what I can see. I am receiving the gift of being reborn, and with that gift I am determined to make the most of it.

One day I know that this blog will change directions again, and it will be where I wrestle the harder issues in my faith, but for now, this is me, the dying Phoenix burning the poison away. Look for me as I burst from the ashes. That day is coming. My time is coming.

Editor's Note: It's one of our goals, at Team  Family Online, to support those who have been silenced and are beginning to get their voice back. Words that empower, encourage, and help to support them in recovery are welcome in the comment section below!

Tagged as: True Religion Speaks, Unbuckle Your Christianity