A Psychopath’s Confession

"A Psychopath's Confession"

I was born in East Germany, before the Wall came down. When I was 9-months old my biological father packed me in a suitcase and smuggled me into West Germany, depositing me into an orphanage. At 18-months, I was adopted by a high level US military man.

My adopted mom suffered a lot and to cover her pain she numbed herself with alcohol. My dad worked in a building in Washington DC that had no windows and he did not talk much about what he did, except that he made maps. He made a lot of money and we lived in a luxurious home.

We had everything we needed and more, but I don't remember any love in our home. My parents were in their 60's when they adopted me. They adopted two other children at the same time, and my brother is much worse than I am. He's pure evil.

I was sent away to a private Christian school, which I think saved my life. Not because the school was so good, but because my brother and I might have killed each other. The teachers and I didn't get along at all. I had no respect for their ways. That's when my parents began sending me to psychiatrists.

I was in and out of psychiatrist offices all throughout my school years, elementary to high school. They couldn't break the code, either.

Perhaps thinking to "scare" me into changing myself, I was constantly told, "You're going to grow up and be a serial killer if you don't change!" They just kept repeating that over and over, "You're going to grow up and become a serial killer."

Their words didn't scare me enough, I guess. I hardly felt anything! Just coldness. Like the world was a very cold place. Yet, deep inside I didn't believe what the doctors told me. There must be a way out, I thought!

I wanted to know love!

I got good grades in school, despite the fact I couldn't sit still for long. ADHD, of course. Another label to bear the rest of my life. I excelled in sports, especially baseball, and several colleges offered me full-ride scholarships. But I had had it with the educational system and I went my own way.

There is one good thing about my life that I will never forget. Dad used to attend my baseball games. Nearly every game he was there, cheering me on! It's the only time we had together and it was special to me!

I was 18 years old when my dad died, and the pain of his loss threw me into a bottomless pit. I threw myself into anything and everything to fill that aching hole. My drug of choice, cocaine, was my only friend for 14-years. I've since been drug-free for over a dozen years, but that's a whole different story.

I attract women who are empathetic, who really believe in the power of love. I met a woman – she was a nurse – and we got married. We had two children. I was involved in a work-related accident and hurt my back.

To tell you the truth, I was not hurt all that much. But I played the victim role for all it was worth. I ended up having back surgery, and that's when the real pain began! I was in a cast for over a year. I was an invalid and my wife nursed me and single-handedly supported our family. I was horrible to her. I shouted at her. She was never good enough for me. It was all about me.

The doctors told me I'd never walk again. I was paralyzed from the waist down. But after therapy I slowly began to feel my legs again and one day I began to walk and I've been walking ever since! The first day I walked my wife filed for divorce.

I tell women it was all my fault. I take all the blame. This makes me seem more attractive to them! I found another kind-hearted soul and we lived together for 18-years. I worked almost 'round the clock and made a lot of money. That's when I bought my Porsche. When I was home I yelled a lot, making her yell back at me. She finally left me to go live with her mom.

I wanted to "feel" but something inside of me had turned off feelings to control the pain of abandonment and rejection. I felt shut off and isolated, utterly self-centered and devoid of compassion for others.

To cover my hellish insecurities, I wore a set of masks. One for home and one for public.

In public, I was everyone's hero. There wasn't anything I couldn't build, fix, or repair! I worked like a maniac, too, and paid off the mortgages on two houses. I lost two relationships including my marriage.

When I wanted to, I could paint on the charm! My image was very important to me, and still is. I used my good looks and tall, trim physique to my best advantage. Driving a Porsche didn't hurt.

Image was everything. It opened the door to million dollar homes where homeowners trusted me with the keys to their property. I specialized in building and repairing with the highest quality workmanship. I'm very gifted with my hands.

I learned to tell stories and I'm never at a loss for words. People seem mesmerized as I speak, and many tell me I'm poetic. Wearing this mask comes easily to me, for it's the only thing that allows me to blend in with regular people.

I have diligently studied people to learn how to appear as if I know how they feel and what they need. I've perfected how to say all the right words and I pick out the most vulnerable people, usually in churches or bars, to practice my technique.

I specifically look for people who have a lot of compassion, who want to save the world. I tell them about my big dreams to help save women from abusive marriages, to provide refuge and shelter from the hell they're living in. We have great conversations and it makes me feel included, needed, and desireable.

But none of those relationships ever work out. There's something about me – maybe it's because I can't stop yelling and lying and criticizing them – that turns them off and they run away.

If you met me on the street or in church or a bar back in those days, you would think I was very charming and sociable! You would probably give me the keys to your car or your house very gladly because I'm a heck of a good guy, always ready to help anytime day or night!

At home, though, it's quite different.

You can only wear the public mask for so long. So at home I was just me: self-centered, arrogant, and egotistical. The bottom line is I care only about myself!

No one was allowed to disagree with me at home. It's because I was always right.  If anyone disagreed with me, I learned to talk louder and believe me, I can out-yell anyone!

No one could stand being around me, so they left.

One day I decided to hit the road in search of love. I discovered that nothing else mattered! All my life I've enjoyed the best the world can offer. I've lied and I've stolen to try and fill the aching hellish hole in my soul. What does it matter if you gain the whole world and lose your soul?

I looked around for love…. for 55 years.

Christians are the easiest targets! Christians know about being nice but not many of them are smart enough to know how to spot a narcissist or a psychopath.

We are GREAT at being saviors!! Some of my best victims have called me their "angel" or "knight in shining armor!"

The top career path choices for guys like me are: Pastors, coaches, counselors, scout leaders, doctors, lawyers, teachers… get it? We love to be admired, looked up to, and respected for the good work we do! We love to be saviors of the down and out!

It's not very often you will hear a guy like me saying it like it is.

This is part of my recovery, to TELL THE TRUTH.

I want to correct the wrongs I've done. I've gone back to the people I've hurt and I've repented, made restitution and offered reconciliation where I can. A lot of people don't want to know me anymore. Life is lonely on this path of repentance and restoration!

Church people like me because I volunteer to serve a lot, but no one wants to be my friend. The only time people call me is to get something from me. I'm still learning about love and I make a lot of mistakes. I have a big mouth and I yell.

I try not to steal or lie anymore. I've lost everything and I don't care. I just want to love and be loved. But as hard as I try to be "normal" I just can't. I don't fit in. People are scared of me.

Maybe you're wondering why I'm sharing my story. My reward is maybe saving some lives, and getting my soul back.  I'm telling my story so that Christians can get some wisdom and see what's really happening right inside their own houses of worship.

I know how psychopath's think. I've raped a woman. I almost killed my own infant son. I really am sorry and I'm doing everything I can to change.

But where does a psychopath go? I don't trust doctors. There's too much pain from my growing up years.

I really want to change! So I pray and pray and pray. And I serve people and help the ones in front of me. And then they go away. And I'm alone.

          Cold.

                    Hurt.

                              Empty.

                                        Afraid.

 

For part two of this article, please joing me at "Sociopaths Among Us".

What I Believe    Contact Me

With all my love,

Sue

Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate to freedom and fullness.  
 
Today Susan helps people write their life stories, unearthing the treasures of their past and sowing them into their future, creating new family legacies.
 

Copyright © 2014 Team Family Online, All rights reserved.   For reprint permission or for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller

{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

Carla J Gardiner July 17, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Very powerful story and sadly it's true that the times we live in are filled with people like the person in this story. Masking who they are what they stand for and taking no prisoners…whoever gets in the way gets hurt. The most powerful revelation is the point driven home in the Editor's Note: This is must-have information for church leaders as we are experiencing, church-wide, an increase in predators in the pulpit and pews. Sad but oh so true.

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Susan Schiller July 17, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Carla, I'm glad you understand because not a lot of people do, yet… but with the internet word is getting out a lot faster. With knowledge we can apply what we learn and that is where wisdom comes from. You are a wise woman and I always love to hear what you're saying and doing! Thanks so much for sharing 🙂

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Michelle DeMarco July 17, 2012 at 1:13 am

What a powerful story.  As someone who has experienced some of these issues from the men in my life, I can say that it is important for people to be aware of what an issue like this can bring – and to hopefully be strong enough to avoid the situation.

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Solvita July 16, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Such an inspiring story, loved it Susan. Thank you, it is so interesting to follow a spiritual transformation, can't wait for the next post! 🙂

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Mary Marriner July 13, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Susan…How interesting, and a necessary thing to share!  We are all to be wise in our dealings with each other, but in a church scenario, I had never thought of this.  I am anxious to read more.
Thank you for sharing!

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Susan Schiller July 13, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I'm glad you haven't encountered this, Mary! Thank you for stopping by 🙂

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Jenny Shain July 13, 2012 at 12:30 am

I was wondering if the man believes that his psychopathology/sociopathology/narcissism was born out of an attachment disorder, bc I saw that he was adopted. Or does he think he simply continued to choose this life/habit/sin…What does he believes was the reason for it?

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Susan Schiller July 13, 2012 at 6:45 am

That's a great question, Jenny. I referred this man to an elder man, a minister I knew who would mentor him. This minister knows how to get down to the core issues. "Abandonment" was his core issue that led to multiple disorders. We can see how it played out with troubles all throughout childhood, but ultimately like all of us, he made his own choices and lived through the consequences. There's a lot more to be said for him and by him, which is why I've asked him to do a series, as well as a book with me. Neither us us pretend to understand the psychological issues, but what is most important are the spiritual responses. The minister I sent him to deals only with spiritual issues but patients are referred to him from all over the world by psychiatrists. He gets the people no one else is able to understand. I believe he is the principle reason this gentleman is healing so rapidly and to such a profoundly deep level… that, and the man's enthusiasm for transformation.

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denny hagel July 12, 2012 at 9:13 pm

Thank you for sharing this incredible story of transformation. What a testament to the power of the human mind  and spirit when the choice is made to allow God in. I will add this gentleman to my prayer list for continued success on his journey…I am sure it is not always an easy one, although honorable and commendable! Love it!:)

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Susan Schiller July 12, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Denny, thank you for such kindness! I will tell him you are praying and I know it will mean a lot to him 🙂

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Ron July 12, 2012 at 7:55 pm

This is so raw it's almost scary to read! i'll definitely be following this story closely.

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Susan Schiller July 12, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Ron, I'm glad you haven't been much exposed to these types of people, but it's amazing how many are in our churches and communities. Unless you know what to look for, you could never tell them apart from "regular" people.

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Jenny Shain July 12, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Wow! I have never heard a psychopath/sociopath/narcissist be honest like this. This is incredible. Honesty is the road to redemption. What I love most about this is that he is making restitution & asking forgiveness. PTL!

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Susan Schiller July 12, 2012 at 4:51 pm

9 out 10 sociopaths/narcissists never change, so what is most meaningful to me is this man's dedication. He is fully committed to embrace whatever pain is necessary to transform into a true human being. He is very inspiring, even though he does slip up still… as we all do!

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Jessica Stone July 12, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Wow, Susan!  This is a very direct, hard-hitting article… that should definitely be shared.  The human brain amazes me and how and why people think what they do.  I can't wait to read more of this series!  And kudos to this person for taking a stand, changing, as hard as it is, and helping others, both predators and victims!

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Susan Schiller July 12, 2012 at 4:50 pm

It takes a lot of courage for any one of us to be "naked and unashamed" as we are meant to live. Our world lacks grace, but perhaps it's even more of a reason for as many of us who can to begin making the transition to living life openly and honestly, without masks!

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Matthew Reed July 12, 2012 at 11:54 am

What a powerful post. I love the quote "And it takes rea, unconditional love from the people around you who have patience to deal with your crap while you're in this metamorphosis." Amen, no matter what that metamorphosis is. 

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Susan Schiller July 12, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Very true, Matthew, but even more so for a psychopath. Statistically 9 out of 10 never change, so it's a real victory when one of them does!

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Olga Hermans July 12, 2012 at 11:16 am

 
oh my, what a story! I kept thinking about all the testimonies I have seen on the 700 club. He should be on there and reach out to people with the same problem. Thank you so much Susan for sharing this awesome story with us. This is another proof that God always will restore our lives if we give it back to Him.

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Susan Schiller July 12, 2012 at 11:49 am

He's still walking out his transformation… too soon for TV, but I am writing a book with him. He has so much wisdom to share!

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