Neuroscience Behind Pathological Love Relationships

In the PTSD Zone: The Anti-Happiness Plague

Have you stepped down from a career? Feel like your life will never be normal again? Unable to take normal environmental noise and stress anymore? Are you asking, "What happened to me – I can't think straight anymore!" Do you have feelings of having lost identity? Are you barely managing to survive, let alone thrive?

The following are notes that I created while listening to the audio at the top of this page. It's a teaching by neuroscientist, Dr. Rhonda Freeman. I hope you add this to your own wisdom library, so that together we can create abuse-free zones around our homes, churches, and communities!

It's not your fault!

All you did was open up your heart to a pathological person who has fooled everyone else in your life, too. You loved someone who has no ability to love you in a moral, righteous way. You didn't do anything fundamentally wrong.

Many people commonly exclaim, "We married the same man!" It's because pathological people behave in a certain way, sharing the same personality characteristics, and employing the same strategies.

The best way to get closure is to gain a certain level of understanding of pathologicals.

Survivors of pathological relationships have impaired brains. It makes it very hard to make good decisions and it cause you to feel like you've lost yourself. Pathological relationships create a stress that is far beyond the human brain's capacity to cope. It's not anything like normal stress, even the normal stress of divorce and death, as tramatic as those events are.

You are stronger than you think, and your brain is designed to handle stress… but not pathological stress.

The executive function of the brain is designed to handle a lot of stress and to maintain a comfortable balance with your thoughts and emotions. The brain is an organ and it is not built to accept mistreatment. Just like other organs in the body it will have reduced functionality or even malfunction when exposed to toxic relationships. We are designed to detect abnormal people and to protect ourselves, but exposure to toxic people damages the brain.

The brain is not designed for chronic, intimate exposure to pathological relationships.

Abused spouses don't always recognize that staying in an abusive relationship is a continual series of traumas that changes the brain and prevents one from feeling happiness. Their ability to make healthy decisions deteriorates the longer they remain with the pathological person.

Remaining in a pathological relationship is a guarantee of permanent unhappiness.

Happiness is not situational. It's a neuro reaction. PTSD is one result of cummulative pathological stress. It's automatic to deplete your brain and not have the ablity to be happy… it's not your fault!

You ask yourself: "What happened to my personality? I used to be so happy. I feel like I'll never be happy again."

Your brain is designed to protect you during crisis. It's called a "Fight or Flight System". There's no way you can be in the process of fight or flight and to be happy at the same time. You cannot find happiness in the midst of fight or flight.

Toxic stress tends to plunge you into more and more abusive situations.

Toxic stress is cumulative. We're not talking about positive stressors, like getting a new job or moving to a new town. We're not even talking about major stressors like a stock market crash or the loss of everything you own. We're talking about toxic stress – the kind of stress that is a constant bombardment from a person who is controlled by evil forces – and you can't get away because society enforces the relationship. Each time is worse and your body, heart, and mind become even more and more sensitive.

You enter the PTSD Zone

Many women step down, or switch careers, because they are unable to handle even normal stress, like they used to. Some women can't take loud noises anymore. Can't listen to music. Need things to be calm.

You ask, "What is wrong with me?" It's too stressful to shop at the mall. You can't have music in the house. You're easily over-stimulated.

Toxic stress attacks the frontal lobe – the regulator of the brain. The frontal lobe controls emotions. People who have gone through traumatic stress have a disabled frontal lobe. It is not activated as it should be, so they are out of balance.

You might describe yourself as being hypersensitive. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The frontal lobe gives you the flavor of who you are. It keeps you from getting angry quickly. When the frontal lobe doesn't work well, it increases the flight or fight reflex. The frontal lobe becomes more and more disabled and less able to help you be your normal self.

The stress gains control of your life.

One of the shocking things to the families of a person who has PTSD is that they can no longer think their way out of an abusive situation. Unless you understand what happens to the brain of the victim of a pathological person, you won't understand how to support the victim. You might blame the victim, which is the most common result in our churches today.

It's why I wrote a "Healing Manifesto!"

Now she is seen as the woman who can't control herself. The pathological person laughs, because that was his intention in the first place. It's all part of "the game".

She asks herself, "What was I thinking? Why didn't I leave? When I found all this evidence, why didn't I make a better decision?"

It's not her fault!

There is a neuroscience to the aftermath of a pathological relationship. The pathological person has set up the normal, balanced person to look crazy. She used to be okay, but now her decision-making ability is greatly impacted.

The victim usually tortures herself by asking, "Why didn't I leave, back then, when I first noticed ____?" "Why did I choose to look the other way, to not notice ____?" "Why didn't I see that I could have done ____ instead?"

She will blame herself. She thinks she's weak… as opposed to a nuerological issue after so many years of trauma.

PTSD is neurobiological… your survival system has been overworked.

PTSD is often diagnosed as a psychological disorder, but, more correctly, this isa NEUROBIOLOGICAL disorder. This is not something you can make happen or not happen. PTSD is an automatic response to chronic pathological relationships in your life.

It's not your fault.

Four Systems (Regions of the Brain) that are impacted by a pathological relationship – These four systems become completely invalid after pathological relationships.

1. Reward System (dopamine makes you feel "intensity" and it addicts you to someone.) You crave the person. Goal-directed behavior. If it's a psychopath or a narcissist you are walking into more pain, but it's a hard system to fight. This person holds "happiness" in the form of dopamine. You will go through withdrawal when the relationship breaks up. When a normal relationship breaks up, there is no betrayal – mistreatment – abuse – smear campaigns – gaslighting – so the normal brain is not damaged and the frontal lobe is activated to help you to balance out.  When you're rejected a psychopath, your dopamine is released in a higher dose. Now you want the psycho more than ever! So you call, you text, you stalk on Facebook, etc. It doesn't matter the educational level
2. Stress System
3. Brief System
4. _____ (She couldn't remember the 4th system)

Women turn a corner and experience relief when they begin to understand what is happening to them.

You must be educated in pathology in some way. Understand the blame-shifting, the smear campaigns, the gaslighting… Understanding the pathology helps women to turn a corner.

You can't get closure from the pathological person. No amount of communication will make the slightest difference. You are the only one who can give yourself closure. There is a brain system that handles morality, and in psychopaths, this part of the brain, as confirmed by MRI's, is not developed. That's why standard counseling, seminars, and books do not work in pathological relationships.

It's very hard for the victim to process the information about a psychopath. She has an impaired brain, so it can take years for a survivor to fully understand the psychopathic relationship.

Complex PTSD further compounds her recovery. PTSD has some radical effects; for example, auto-immune disorders, cancers, and joint problems that affect the body. The pathological effects spread from the brain to other parts of the body. Long-term effects of exposure to a pathological person begin with brain impairment but spreads throughout the body.

Even those most loving, patient woman who stays with their pathological partner will experience devastating effects in her brain and other organs of her body. Some of these women are falsely labeled "hypochondriacs" … or "She's a drama queen." It's unfortunate, because misunderstanding further compounds the pain, emotionally and physically.

Trauma is stored in the body at the cellular level. Women who choose to remain in an abusive relationship may experience devastating consequences in her mind and body.

Many women end up with inflammatory disorders. The immune system is compromised and it results in deep, physical pain they must live with. Physical and mental abuse register the same level of pain, in the brain as a physical trauma such as a car accident.

The brain uses the same neuro pathways to conduct emotional pain as physical pain. The brain registers either a slap in the face or an angry word with the same level of pain. Verbal abuse registers on the same neuro pathways as physical abuse.

Ways to Heal Your Brain

1. Get educated about pathological relationships. It really helps to gain perspective of what happened to you.

2. Well-meaning people sometimes use "tough love" and they "tell it like it is". For now, you need to stay away from people like that, because they don't understand that they are enflaming your brain. Your brain has been impaired and needs far more gentle touches than most people realize. It will keep you stuck and hurt you, if you are around people who are not gentle enough.

3. Be around people with healthy limbic systems. Someone can walk into the room and you can tell immediately if they are a good or bad person. You can feel a healthy person. You might call it "good vibes". Your limbic system will naturally repair itself on its own, just being in their presence. Being around children can help a lot, in this way!

4. Get a professional therapist, if you have associated problems such as depression, which is a frequent effect of PTSD.

5. Be proactive with your diet and nutrition. Everything in your body goes out of whack when you are with a pathological person long-term. Meet with a doctor who can help you with natural herbs and nutrients to help your brain.

6. Get outdoors. Appreciation the beauty of creation. Victims often feel like the world is a dark place, so go out and find beauty in nature. It will help to bring you joy!

7. Get creative. Write. Heal. Tell you story!

I hope this audio teaching by Dr. Rhonda Freeman has helped you as much as it helped me! Even if you are not a survivor of a pathological relationship, this information can be helpful if you hear of a situation in which you suspect pathology is in play.

Education is the difference between Now and Wonderful!

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With all my love,

Sue

Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate to freedom and fullness.  

Today Susan helps people write their life stories, unearthing the treasures of their past and sowing them into their future, creating new family legacies.

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Tagged as: Choosing Love Today, Deborah White Dove, Getting Your Life Back, Unbuckle Your Christianity