Did You Marry the Wrong Mr. Right?

Did You Marry the Wrong Mr. Right?

By: Susan Deborah Schiller  

Part 1: The Perfect Prey   Part 2: 10 Red Flags You're Marrying A Sociopath   Part 3: Did You Marry the Wrong Mr. Right?    Part 4: Create Your Own Jailbreak

By sharing my story, Bethany's story, and the stories of other abuse survivors, we are breaking the power of shame. The biggest shame breaker is daring to be vulnerable by writing our stories. We break the shame off of our own lives as we untangle the deadly web of deception that enables abusers in our homes, churches, and communities.

Our goal is to create abuse-free zones one family at a time, one community at a time. Our method is storytelling.

Today, we're picking up where we left off, in part 2, with what I call "the awakening", where we break the SHAME and use it to SHINE.

We ask ourselves questions and the answers are like Light rays piercing the darkness.

Once we SEE what it is, we can take ACTION to get free.

Addiction to our abuser is the ultimate hook. It's why many of us stay or return or never leave in the first place. We are like heroine addicts, knowing it's a bad deal but craving it all the more. Sometimes we are trapped by lack of resources, lack of help, but the biggest obstacle is our own craving for that spectacular "love high" we had when we first met our pathological lover.

Keep in mind, I am not a medical professional and this post is not designed or intended to diagnose or treat anyone's problems. It's part of my own story and the steps I took to break free of an abusive relationship. I believe our stories can help "turn on the Light" and to let you know you're not alone.

What are the symptoms of a love addiction? Here are just a few diagnostic questions designed to pull back the curtain of sociopathic abuse:

Has there been subtle internal or external pressure on you to change anything about yourself or what you do, to accommodate Mr. Right?

• For example, when my fiance and I were in college I had only 6-months of student teaching to finish before earning my bachelor's degree in Education. My dream was to be a teacher and write children's books. My fiance would not consider waiting for me to finish my degree, but insisted that we move to his home town right away, following his graduation. I downgraded my degree in order to graduate earlier.

• Bethany Deaton's dream was to be a wife and mother, work as a professor and write books. She changed her career to "nurse" to accommodate her husband's dream of ministering in the Middle East, giving up her own dreams.

• Feeling an urge (especially if you DESIRE to change for your boyfriend's pleasure) is a strong red flag. But it won't feel like a red flag once you're hooked. It will feel like YOU WANT to change yourself, your career, your job, your home, etc. Remember, the perfect prey is an generous giver and empathetic nurturer, by nature!

It's so hard to see the red flags. Almost all survivors of socioipathic abuse CHOOSE denial, because we are addicted to the major dopamine rushes that sociopaths, like drug dealers, dole out for us.

We CHOOSE not to see, not to hear, not to speak about the abuse. We cover for the abuser, even lying to ourselves.

Have you been paying for the bills, entertainment, travel, or have you given your boyfriend/fiance the title to any assets or put his name on your bank accounts?

• This likely won't happen until after you're hooked, but think about it. A sociopath will appear to have valid reasons – even emotionally compelling reasons – not to pay for bills. The perfect prey is someone who is empathetic, and a sociopath's cunning is unparalleled… nearly undetectable by Christians with high levels of discernment.

• It will seem reasonable to you – you will likely DESIRE to pay the bills – because the experience of his pleasure feels so good! You really think you're making a difference and you feel needed. He's drugged you with the pleasure of his company so powerfully that no amount of money is too much in exchange for the benefits. Until it's too late. But think about it, when you're not with him…just think about it.

It's usually very hard for survivors of pathological relationships to come out of denial. Beyond the biological, emotional, and neurological addictions, there is so much SHAME we feel!

We have to face the fact we were duped! By then, children may have come along, and being the nurturers we are, we don't want to break up our family! Add to that the compounded disappointment of our peers, many of whom will side with your abuser.

The power of toxic shame must be broken, if we are to recover from a pathological relationship. The only way is to face reality and begin to tell your story.

I encourage you to read Dr. Susan Forward's book, "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them".

In that book, Dr. Forward lists the following self-diagnostics, to help you SEE what you may have been choosing to overlook:

Ask yourself:

• Does he insist on having control over your life, your thoughts, and your behavior?
• Is he unrelentingly critical of you and always finding fault?
• Does he intimidate you by yelling or by threatening to withdraw his love?
• Does he switch from charm to anger without warning?
• Does he devalue your opinions and feelings?
• Does he accuse you of being too sensitive or of overreacting if you get upset when he attacks you?
• Is he extremely jealous and possessive?
• Does he insist that you give up something valuable and important to you to satisfy him?
• Does he belittle your accomplishments?
• Is he inconsiderate of your sexual needs?
• Does he humiliate you in front of others?
• Do you constantly tell the children to be careful so that they won't upset Daddy?
• Do you cry a lot more than you used to?
• Do you repress your feelings, especially your anger?
• Do you constantly try to figure out how to get your partner's approval? Do you twist yourself into a pretzel trying to suit his ever-changing demands?
• Have you given up interests, activities, and people that once were important to you?
• Do you hold yourself back in your educational or vocational advancement?
• Do you constantly excuse your partner's behavior to yourself or to others?
• Have you let yourself go physically? Have you gained or lost a great deal of weight? Are you paying less attention to your personal appearance than you used to? Do you find excuses not to leave the house?
• Is your life based on trying to please your partner so as to avoid his wrath or disapproval?

These questions, as Dr. Susan Forward explains, help us to begin to face reality. And that's where healing begins, in the awakening process of coming out of denial. Wisdom begins when we take knowledge and apply it to our lives.

We must take action, or we will go deeper in the hell the sociopath is creating for us.

We must do the OPPOSITE! If you want to break free you are going to do what "they" say can't be done. It's not going to cost you an arm and a leg. And you won't be dependent on anyone, which is often what happens when people counsel victims. You're going to learn how to be self-reliant and to take control out of the hands of others.

Not only are you going to break the chains of shame but you're going to be dazzling, just brilliant, dear heart.

In part four, I'm going to show you which actions will take you deeper into the labyrinth of hell and which ones will bring you up and out into the Light. It may surprise you, but I'm going to show you how you can get your life back, recover your soul, and become a champion, if you dare. While it's not an instant fix, it is an adventure into freedom and fullness. Are you ready for some Good News?

Next Chapter: Create Your Own Jailbreak

Previous Chapters: Part 1: The Perfect Prey   Part 2: 10 Red Flags You're Marrying A Sociopath   Part 3: Did You Marry the Wrong Mr. Right?    Part 4: Create Your Own Jailbreak

You may also be interested in reading: Can A Pastor Be a Sociopath? and "Why the Christian Abuser is the Worst" and "The Marriage Covenant: How We Prevent Divorce Before Saying "I Do""

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With all my love,

Sue

Copyright © 2014 Team Family Online, All rights reserved.   For reprint permission or for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller. 

Tagged as: Create Your World, Deborah White Dove, Getting Your Life Back, Rewriting the Future, Unbuckle Your Christianity, Voice of the Bride