Love Weeps, Moans, and Touches – it’s Willing to get Messy

Healing Touch

By: Susan Deborah Schiller

"Don't cry," said the healing ministers. "We need you to repeat after us these prayers so you can be set free from the pain."

I used to be one of them – I knew the entire procedure by heart. But, to be honest, I simply wanted a human touch, a hand on my shoulder – empathy, validation. Following orders, I pushed the pain down and repeated their prayers. I didn't realize how much damage their "ministry" was doing, like doctors doing surgery without anesthesia, gloves, or antibiotics until I went home and realized they had not stitched up the open wound. 

Good intentions and sincerity without true love become tools in Evil's hands. 

Trauma on top of trauma. "Help" is no help at all. A sociopath devours your heart and soul, and the ministers complete his work. Before you know it you have become a shell of your former self. You are in a state of post-traumatic stress upon stress.

I was in shock from years of living with a sociopath who tormented me day and night, who caused sleep deprivation with middle of the night interrogations, and who terrorized me with threats to end my life. I lived in a fog.

I simply needed good people to see me, to hear me, and to weep with me for the incredible losses.

I wish they could have heard God's whisper,

"This woman needs to break her silence – not be quiet. She needs to scream – not be submissive. She is still in shock; the mourning hasn't yet begun. She needs you to nurse her through the shock and trauma. I'm birthing the next story of her life. Will you be My ears, voice, and hands?"

God doesn't take away the pain, but He sits with us in it. He enters the pain, getting messy along with us, and transforms it. He creates beauty out of ashes. But first we must face the ashes…

In recovering from a pathological relationship, we are mourning the loss of a marriage, but much more – it's the loss of identity (all that you hoped for and believed you were with that partner) – your whole foundation has been shaken and shattered. 

If anyone – whether pastor, counselor, or friend – tells you to just "forgive and move on" they may not understand" the mourning season of a pathological relationship. Don't let anyone tell you, "don't cry" or force you to repeat prayers, expecting you to "get well soon" without proper care and godly compassion.

To forgive and move on we first need to recognize there has been a death, and it needs to be mourned. 

Victims of sociopathic relationships are usually blamed instead of loved. Their needs not only go unmet, but they are shunned, ignored, and abandoned. Apathy kills them more effectively than their abusers. 

I like what Brene Brown shares in the video below, how "Love Weeps". Brene Brown, if you haven't yet met her, is a woman who is leading the way in being vulnerable, telling our stories with authenticity, and healing through Love.



Love is hard, as Brene Brown says. It gets dirty. Love lays down her life for her friends. 

To be seen, to be heard, and to be validated are the greatest needs for victims of pathological relationships. Those are the very things victims are usually denied, in today's Christian churches. Good is called evil, and evil is called good.

I recently came across a book written a century ago about natural healing – emotionally and physically – and it is centered on the value of healing touch. This is a mode of healing that God led me to, back in 2003. Back then, I could not find anyone to practice it with me, not even my husband. But I have practiced it since then, and have found it to work every time.

One of the greatest mysteries of all is that Love weeps with us and for us. If you have friends who can weep with you, get angry over the injustice, and validate your experience, you are blessed. If you have friends who will simply touch you, hold you, and massage you, you are doubly blessed.

That's the kind of love that heals.

It's in authentic Christian community that our souls are nurtured back to health.

You are never alone. And that is the title of my next post… "You Are Never Alone". I hope you will join me in the greatest adventure of all… of entering into the mystery of Love.


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With all my love,


Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate to freedom and fullness.  

Today Susan helps people write their life stories, unearthing the treasures of their past and sowing them into their future, creating new family legacies.

Copyright © 2010 to 2016 Team Family Online, All rights reserved.   For reprint permission or for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Maddie J August 6, 2015 at 5:53 pm

Oh, thank you for sharing this Susan. I have found that loving, gentle touch has done more to heal me than mere words alone. Isn't it interesting to read how many times Jesus healed someone with a touch, even though He could have used words alone? Even when it went against what the culture said was proper, He used touch.


Susan Schiller August 7, 2015 at 4:48 am

Human compassion is beyond comprehension, and I believe that’s where touch, or even a look, can heal. THe power of healing touch, which cannot be separated from true compassion, is something I’ve been seeing the best healing come from… not the only healing, but the best. It’s good to hear from you again, Maddie!


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