When it Hurts so Bad You Just Have to Scream
By: Susan Deborah Schiller
In the series, "Conversations with Daddy"
My heart was like molten lava, just exploding and pouring out. I had escaped from one sociopath, after 20-years of abuse, into another trap, but the excruciating pain was my heartache for my children. The pain was always there, but it crested in waves, and in between the waves I screamed.
"Why did you have to scream?" someone recently asked. I replied, "A mother's heart boils with rage when her children are molested, and nothing but a scream will release the rage out of the core of her being. Can you contain a volcano? No, the lava rushes out, cascading down the mountain. Only a scream releases the pent up rage. It's a righteous anger, like the exploding of emotions Jesus must have felt that caused him to whip the money changers, overturning their tables in the temple."
I wrote in my journal, that day back in 2003:
Father, my heart grieves inconsolably for my children. How I wish I could remove the deceiver's influence on them. Father, please… please.
"Do you, yet, wish to serve Me? You see the suffering it brings."
With all my heart, my Lord. By Your grace alone. Yes, Lord, I want to finish the race. Please give me courage and strength. Establish me in Your truth. I want to be well-grounded. Go in deeper. I need more of You. I'm yours. Take me wherever you want.
"Chosen one, hold hands with me – the King. Walk and talk with Me. You need to see Me as I am – totally sufficient. I know where I'm taking you. I've already pointed you in the right direction. Peace, I say. Don't hold on to the things of this world. Let go completely so I may take you higher.
"The full scope of what I offer you is unfolding. My peace and joy are yours for the asking. All you've hoped for and dreamed of are yours for the asking."
Father, where I stumble most is trusting You for my children.
"I love them, do I not? I cherish them far beyond your capaicity to love and care for them. What do you think they need?"
Kindness, true friends who have empathy.
"And much more, don't you think?"
Father, please give them everything they need to live in Your kingdom.
"Make tiny investments into their lives. Don't strive to be their hero. Just go about normal daily business. I'll prepare their hearts as you have asked.
"Come to Me, my child, and lay your head on my breast. I have much more comfort to give you, Little One. Terrible things have happened, and still more terrrible things are to come, but there is space now to breathe.
Enjoy My Kingdom – enter into My rest. This place is yours to enjoy new life. Cares exchanged for peace. Mourning turned into joy. You have not been abandoned. I hold you safe in My arms."
Rest… safety… peace… this is being home.
George MacDonald, in his book, "Lilith," helped me to understand that we cannot begin to understand ourselves and our true purpose in this world until we find ourselves at Home. We cannot begin to do the work we've been designed to do until we learn to rest.
I'm still on my way Home… learning to bring order, and even beauty, out of chaos, in my own life. There will never be a perfect time to learn the unforced rhythms of life. In fact, the best time is when you're surrounded by chaos, on the battlefield of life.
And it's okay to scream, to vent, to explode with fury.
One survivor told me she feels guilty for her anger. For shouldn't a daughter love her father, even if he's consumed by evil? Guilt dams up righteous anger and then you have a smoking volcano whose explosion will be all the more furious later on. Or it may cause insult to injury by making you sick: cancer, MS, fibromyalgia, and all number of woes.
Don't feel guilty for the rage! Get even more angry and let it out! Our screams are heard in heaven and in hell.
Sometimes only a scream will do. Tell your story and don't be afraid of your emotions erupting in and through the explosion of words. If you've been silent for too long, don't be afraid to break the silence!
With all my love,
Copyright © 2010 to 2015 Team Family Online, All rights reserved. For reprint permission or for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller.