One Day You Will Be Glad for the Pain

Finding Beauty in the Dark Places

 By: White Dove

I remember the day my husband abandoned me alongside the road in a desert, and it felt like a grenade had exploded in my abdomen. The pain cut from my neck to my belly, both physically and emotionally, ripping my gut wide open, even taking my voice away.

I won't go into the details here, as I've already written chapters about those days:

• Voice of the Moonflower
• The Lone Rancher
• Cowgirl Up!
• Secret Heroes
• Lakota Rescue
• The Art of Goofy Stupid
• Second Chances

I was homeless, so ​I lived in a field, bathed in a hot mineral pool, and worked for one hotel owner after another who exploited me. People were friendly and wanted to help, but several had ulterior motives.

I set up camp in a broken down Winnebago a local man gave me to use for two months. In exchange, I fixed it, cleaned it, and made it liveable. Then, he asked for it back, so I moved.

Every 2-4 months God used diverse people and different opportunities, always at the last minute and in the least expected way.

It was scary. It was hard. It was dangerous. I don't recommend it, but I am grateful for those experiences. I discovered beauty there, too, like the hawk circling the rainbow over the mountain near my camper in the photo up above. Like other homeless people, who became friends.

The photos below are of my "home" along the river. No running water, no toilet, but I hooked up to satellite Internet and a long cord brought me electricity.

  

   

It wasn't safe. There were predators all around me. Christian leaders saw my vulnerability and two attempted to lure me into traps with the promise of housing and a job. I trusted them, thinking it was God preserving His daughter's life, but as I said, some had ulterior motives. One employer, also a pastor, sent me a note saying, "Will you be my spiritual wife?" He was married. I left. But it further weakened me.

My world fell apart. Everything seemed upside down. There was no safe place, not even in church. 

A Lakota family hooked up my camper, adopted me into their family, and set me up with a place to live, on their ranch. My online pastor who lived several states away shunned me, for four months, just for praying with the Lakota people.

He said, "It's pure witchcraft!" But I only sensed real love. They kept telling me, "It's going to be all right." They were genuine. They didn't exploit me, they didn't judge me, they just loved, laughed, and lavished me with good humor. Some of them were ex-Navy Seals and understood the psychological effects of being in a war zone.

Sociopathic abuse is a war zone. Stockholm Syndrome, gaslighting, smear campaigns, death threats, nightly interrogations… I experienced all of that, and more.

That episode of my life story began in 2011 and it's now 7 years later. I'm in the same town, having left for 3 years and now returned to face my fears and make some different choices – choices to see Love and Beauty, even in the face of exploitation and abuse. There's one thing that is beginning to change…

I lost my fear of losing everything. I lost my fear of being homeless. And somehow, having lost those root fears, the rest of my fears are loosening, too. Not gone, but loosening.

I learned a few things, and I'm still discovering more…

• Your greatest fear is the very doorway to your greatest deposit of Love. The provision is already there for you to thrive. You have it within you to rise up.
• The trials in your life have been carefully designed to give you what you need. Your trials turn into provision. 
• Your greatest ally is your spirit – your inner being – your true self. Most of us are our own worst enemies. Self-doubt, self-hatred, self-punishment… we criticize ourselves mercilessly. We kill our own souls, one negative word at a time.
• We must learn to love ourselves to life, because until we do, no one else's love will ever be enough.

​I know this short article probably isn't enough to give assurance that you're going to make it, that you'll be all right.

I know you need human hands, a hug, and someone to really see you and hear your heart. You need a secure place to live. You need NORMAL!

Why doesn't God just lift us up out of our difficulties, I have often wondered. When we cry out for relief, why is He silent? Where is He when we most need love? Why does He allow the pain, the danger, and the darkness to gain such control over our lives… well, perhaps the pain is a gift in disguise…

Much of your pain is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. — Kahlil Gibran 

I don't know the whole answer, but I have learned that He is the kindest person I've ever met. He's teaching me to create beauty out of chaos.

I'll be honest with you, today has been hard. I've listened to several people bare their war-torn souls. One of my dearest friends was cruelly attacked over the weekend. Another dear friend just died suddenly.

When you're hurting, all the rational answers and solutions don't mean much. You just want your world to stop shaking.

The emotional tsunami is relentless. One wave after another – shock waves. That's how it feels… like these waves of deep grief keep washing over you. 

But there is a way out. We can choose love. We can choose life. We can worship in the warfare. We can praise all through the dark night. We can dance with Him under the moon. These aren't just words; I lived it.

All I know is that we're not so much escaping our abusers, as we are rising up to live an ascended life. It's not pain that is the enemy; in fact, pain can be a gift.

Crossing over from hell-on-earth to heaven-on-earth takes a passion to keep climbing the narrow path, to not quit, to not complain. For when you see His face, and His gaze pierces yours, and He says, "Are you afraid? Do you want to turn back?" you suddenly realize you are not alone. 

Sufferings are to spiritual maturity as the chisel is to sculpture. — Anonymous

There is no coming to consciousness without pain. — Carl Jung 

Today as I listen to stories of friends who are bent over, beneath the waves of shock and trauma, a relentless assault on their brains, hearts, and nerves, I pray:

"Abba, your Name is Holy. Let your Kingdom come, let Your will be done, here on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us what we need today. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For Yours is the Kingdom, the power, and the glory – forever and ever. Please give my friend all that she needs." And I pray the same for my enemies.

 

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With all my love,

White Dove

Hi, I'm White Dove. Yes, it's my pen name, and it was given to me by a blind man who shyly whispered it to me in a Divine encounter. Yes, it's my real picture… just an ordinary selfie.

I live with my family in the mountains, surrounded by ancient forests, pure streams, and mighty rivers… but I also travel quite a bit.

My kingdom career is a Heart Scribe. I love to write from God's heart and have been recording His living Word for the past three decades. It's brought me so much beauty, joy, peace, and happiness!

I love to inspire trauma survivors to write their life stories, unearthing the treasures of their past and sowing them into the future. We dip our pens in blood and write the pain away… as God has shown me how to do, in the company of supportive friends and family. We are writing ourselves into a better world, beginning with discovering our own original design recorded in the DNA of our soul, and it's the most exciting place to be!

Copyright © 2018 Heart Scribes, All rights reserved.   For reprint permission or for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact me. 

 

Tagged as: "Love from Papa" Series, Choosing Love Today, Create Your World, Deborah White Dove, Getting Your Life Back, Life Story Writing, Turning Pain to Gain, Voice of the Bride