I Love Him More

I Love Him More

Our lives were once "public domain" – with the making of a documentary, and I found that silencing my voice was not the correct way to explain a marriage broken and a ministry abandoned. In school, we are taught the difference between tattle-taling and telling the truth. The former is meant in malice, to make someone look bad. The latter is to save lives, when you notice someone in danger. I tell this part of my story, with the motivation of telling the truth to save a soul. — Susan

Many nights I awoke to screaming – but this night was different. Like a mother in tune with her babies every cry, so I could tell when my husband was at the end of his rope. Two years earlier they had sent him home with massive prescriptions for Oxycontin, Percocet, Morphine, and many other narcotics, to die. Having exhausted the resources of the medical field, we were simply doing our best to survive. Living in the wilderness made the nearest local hospital more than an hour away.

By morning, the pain had not subsided and although he was already taking pain meds normally reserved for terminal patients, we bumped up his medication even higher. The pain pills still weren't cutting it. So I called the emergency room and asked if I could bring my husband in. Our hope was that an injection of Demerol or something more powerful might take the edge off his misery. The woman on the other end of the phone could hear my anguish and she replied, "That’s what we're here for! Bring your husband in right away!"

I packed Randy into the pickup truck and we painfully made our way down the bumpy dirt road, traveling slowly the 1 ½ hours it took us to get to the hospital. Every bump caused Randy to scream inside – and sometimes out loud as well. We finally made it to the hospital and walked up to the registration desk. In between the door and the desk stood a stern-faced administrator. Her lips in a tight line, she intercepted us before we could get to the front desk.

Sternly, she began by listing all the requirements she would need before Randy would be allowed to see the doctor. The first requirement was that we would need to have x-rays and an undetermined set of tests, including blood work.

But what she emphasized primarily is that we needed to pay for these services up front, because we didn’t have health insurance. She spoke in such a way that it was debatable what side of the law she was on, but it really didn't matter at that point… we were too overwhelmed to complain. I barely made it out the door before a flood of tears cascaded down my cheeks.

We didn’t need all the tests – Randy had already been through nine surgical procedures at that point and had been sent home to die when our health insurance expired. What he needed was help with the pain… something to knock him out, or at least to take the edge off the pain. The administrator apologized on behalf of the nurse who had spoken to me over the phone, saying that she was new and didn’t know better.

We left the hospital in worse condition than when we entered.

My husband, with tears streaming down his worn face, said to me, “They don’t allow animals to be treated this way – we put animals out of their misery.” I cried as I drove for the next 45-minutes… not just for our situation, but for all the people who are in pain and there’s no cure for them.

Whether in hospitals or churches, many people are losing hope that there’s a cure. Maybe you know of someone, right now, who is at the end of their rope…

I'll never forget that day… the hopelessness I felt. You can only go so far without hope. But the anguish I felt inside wasn't for our own situation – somehow the weight of all the suffering people was right on top of me, face-to-face. I looked up to Heaven and made a promise that if somehow my husband's pain would be lifted away, we would spend the rest of our lives helping others to find freedom from disease and pain.

Pain and sickness are death in slow motion, and God's heart is to bring us through, in His timing and ways.

1-7 The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me because God anointed me.
He sent me to preach good news to the poor,
   heal the heartbroken,
Announce freedom to all captives,
   pardon all prisoners.
God sent me to announce the year of his grace—
   a celebration of God's destruction of our enemies—
   and to comfort all who mourn,
To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion,
   give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes,
Messages of joy instead of news of doom,
   a praising heart instead of a languid spirit.

I'm glad Randy is free from pain now. God healed him after 4 years of suffering and pain. Randy has chosen to move on, to begin a new life with a different wife. I fought hard for the settlements they are now living off of. And then he left that new wife and married a childhood sweetheart. He gave her vehicle away, left her homeless, and sold and gave away all her possessions, too… just as he did to me.

He told me he hates all women. This worries me, that if I remain entirely silent, will the next victim(s) suffer because of my silence?

Sometimes I wonder if he remembers all these stories of battling for his life, or if they are just part of the haze from heavy narcotics. Does he remember how hard I fought for him? 

Nevertheless, I am the storyteller of my own life. I choose to remember our stories because so much treasure was unearthed in the mines of our history. I see my abuser as someone who is victim to evil, even as I have been. One day I believe we will be fully healed and friends again. I leave my heart open for love, from a distance… not in the vain hope of restoration of our marriage, of course not… but because I believe it would be a good revenge on the evil that sought to kill us both. I believe the best revenge is a well-lived life, and for me, I am writing into my future that former enemies will become friends.

I learned to battle through so many fears and to see God provide in the worst of times. I cannot throw away the life lessons just because the tests were tough. In fact, and even though he is gone, I believe my love can still make a difference.

You see, whether I blame myself or not, I will be punished. Evil designs our torment this way, and I can choose to accept it, deny it, or change it. By writing my story, I am rewriting the future. Maybe one woman will read this and be saved. Maybe it will be me, even. I can stop the punishment cycle.

Punishment for not going along with the show, he found other lovers. That torment is made worse by the ministry leaders. All but a handful of the hundreds in our network have turned deaf, mute, and blind. The small handful of true friends are my heroes. 

Most find it easier to throw up their hands and say, “No one really knows what happened.” They pretend that all is well, as the dollars spill into their offering baskets.

Each time he lays hands on a swooning woman, I am stricken with guilt.

"Wow, you get THIS every day??" several of them exclaimed to me, as they melted like butter under his hot hands.

Which woman will be his next victim? For so long their acceptance of his performance has silenced me. It feels like a personal rebuke. But no more. The world doesn't need another victim. 

The greatest obstacle Christians face is our propensity to pretend. It's sometimes called denial. Illusion. It forces us to wear a mask that is "acceptable". It draws others into the game of pretending.

What is not real becomes everyone's reality. A mass delusion. Maybe that's how we get the political leaders, too.

Normal Religion requires a performance. One of the most difficult demands of a leader is to live up to the projections of those around him. People need and want miracles to be true. They need and want someone they can see, hear, touch, taste, and smell as living proof that God is changing lives supernaturally.

The movie, "Miracles, the Randy McKenzie Story," was filmed just 4-weeks after the "signs, wonders, and miracles" conference where Randy's back was healed. A few months later we were selling our house and attending ministry training school… and put on stages… and put in charge of coordinating ministry in several states.

How many of us are longing for the instant, supernatural miracle… when the real miracle is that God loves us right where we are, apart from what we do. He wants us to be real.

It's this royal child who has been imprisoned by the expectations of others.

I want to prowl in a circle around him like a mature, full-grown lioness and growl at the very people who should be allowing Randy to be his real self. Whoever that is, it's not the happy-go-lucky cowboy ministering on a stage.

We all want him to be happy, yes, but don't ask him to be who you think he is. Chances are great he's never been real with you.

The more you "love" the masked Randy, the more you prevent the real, true Randy from emerging.

I'm no different. It's the same for me, and for all of us. I am grateful for those who are helping me to become real, to release all the yuck, and to begin to live my best life.

The work of breaking our illusions and discovering our emerging identity is the greatest work there is.

Don't put Randy back in the bottle, please. Don't expect him to be what you have believed him to be. Part of that construction was for the benefit of a movie and the promotion of a ministry. Part of it was just wanting to fit in.

I was there. I lived it. I knew him before you ever heard his name or saw his face.

They have created a story for me, one in which I simply drop out of the action. They treat me as if I don't exist! Every so often I get "hit and run" threats through people on Facebook who then deactivate those accounts after attacking me.

Are they afraid I might speak the truth that would shatter the image they all desperately want to believe? Denial is the biggest obstacle to Truth. But if we allow our illusions to shatter, we step into our true destiny.

I read this today from "Spirit of Prophecy" by Marsha Burns:

If you will allow it, I will take you to a high place where you can see your life objectively, apart from emotional investment, to gain a broader perspective. From this view, you will be able to see My work in your life more clearly and completely. And, you can rejoice in the mercy I have shown you, the favor that has surrounded you, and the grace that has empowered you to accomplish what I have set before you, says the Lord. This outlook will also distance you from the past and release you to move ahead unencumbered.

Galatians 5:1 Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage.

I am praying this for Randy today. I'm so glad I can love him still. I love him more. I loved him before they knew him, these people who put him up on a stage and witnessed the "happy-go-lucky" cowboy perform. I love the real man, deep down inside. To be seen and known and loved at that deep level scared him, he said. He only felt comfortable with his mask on. I know how that feels. I have lived like that, too. In Christianity, it's expected of us to put our best faces forward. 

Having to wear masks destroyed us more than anything else. They projected onto Jesus, too… they expected him to be a very different kind of messiah. But he didn't play their role. He played his Father's role and they killed his physical life but not his soul.

To play a role for anyone other than our Father, who is also the Spirit of Truth, is to forfeit your soul. You lose your identity. I almost did… so that is why I speak up today.

I love Him more. I love Randy more.

Let the Truth be spoken in love, for the truth will set us free.

Other "Randy and Susan" stories… all the "what happened" before we were put on stage:

When I Hurts So Bad You Want to Die

Resistance, Eat My Dust!

Digging for Treasure in the Ruins of Addictions, Accidents, and Abuse

The “Bionic Man” Comes Home

My Full Story     What I Believe    Contact Me

With all my love,

Sue

Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate to freedom and fullness.  
 
Today Susan helps people write their life stories, unearthing the treasures of their past and sowing them into their future, creating new family legacies.
 

Copyright © 2014 Team Family Online, All rights reserved.   For reprint permission or for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

Susan Schiller January 17, 2016 at 12:47 pm

Another pastor's wife makes a public disclosure on Facebook. I think she did a much better job than I did…. I love how tender and gentle her voice is, yet with conviction and power!

https://www.facebook.com/NaghmehAbedini/posts/10153703010425767

To my dearest friends,

After a month of resting and healing and sitting at the feet of Jesus, today I felt led to share.

Three years ago, when Saeed was put in the Iranian prison for his faith, the Lord called me to get up and not only advocate for Saeed, but also to share the Gospel message and to advocate for the persecuted church. I was freed from so much fear and it was a step of faith for me to get up and move. When I did obey, I could see that I could DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME (Philippians 4:13) That by Grace of God I could get on airplanes. That by God’s Grace I could speak in front of heads of governments, parliaments, the congress, thousands of people and our own president and I was able to open my mouth through the Grace of God and represent Christ and to share Christ with so many. It was overwhelming seeing how Jesus had become my STRENGTH through my utter WEAKNESS.

A month ago, the Lord asked me to stop and sit. It took another step of faith to stop everything and just sit at the feet of Jesus and to hear from Him. It was freeing to see that by Grace of God none of the fame and attention or praises of men had gotten to me and that I could drop everything the moment my Savior told me to drop it and to go back to being a single mom in Boise, Idaho. It was freeing to let go of the FALSE SENSE of SECURITY that money was bringing into my life (through speaking engagements) and to know that the only thing that all I desperately needed was Jesus. That my true security rests in Jesus. That Jesus is my day to day provider.

I had to turn off every voice including my own and only care about what Jesus was saying to me. It was hard. With the news that came out recently (an email I had sent to prayer partners was leaked to media), stones were being thrown at me left and right and many religious leaders who saw me wounded and bleeding passed on by afraid to touch me or this whole mess/situation. It was hard, but Jesus kept telling me to be silent and to look to Him.

The truth is that I still love my husband more than ever and my advocacy for him has taken a new form of interceding on my knees. The truth is I can not deny Saeed’s love and passion for Jesus and that he continues to suffer in the Iranian prison because of his genuine love for Jesus and his refusal to deny Him. I can not deny the amazing dad he has been to our kids and the spiritual truths he poured into their life until the moment he was arrested. But at the same time I can not deny the very dark parts of our marriage and serious issues Saeed continues to struggle with.

So I open myself up once again and become real and raw in asking you to join me in praying for Saeed. This time not only for his physical chains, but the spiritual chains that have bound him for so many years. Those chains that have stuck to him from the culture he was raised in (Middle East) and from his former religion (Islam). I believe that God will use Saeed’s imprisonment to break Saeed of these chains and to refine him and use him as a vessel for the work that He has prepared for him.

I am not sure how often I will be providing updates, but I will share as the Lord leads. Starting January 5, I am going to start another 21 days of prayer and fasting. It will be a time of drawing closer to the Lord and sharing what He lays on my heart. I hope they will be a source of blessing and encouragement to you as well.

I praise God for all of the ups and downs, excitements and disappointments, and for the many pains and tears. They have been good for me. They are a great tool to refine us and keep our eyes on Jesus.

With much Love in Jesus

Naghmeh Abedini

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Susan Schiller November 23, 2014 at 1:04 pm

Randy was intimate with his 5th wife a year before he divorced me. In fact, by the time we divorced, they were already in marriage counseling. They ministered, as a couple, just a few months after our divorce. 

Long before he ended his relationship with #5 he was already involved with #6. Three months after the break up, he's engaged to victim #6. I hope she does not have children or grandchildren whose lives will be ripped and shredded to pieces in the aftermath, as I do… as #2 and #3 and #5 also do… because there will be aftermath. The child of #1 is dead.

What is this all about? What is it like to be married to a sociopath? I share what I have learned, to date, at http://heartscribes.org/category/abuse-free-zone/.

Why did Women's Aglow invite him (and his mistress) to be the key speaker for a national conference in Casper (which was changed, at the last minute, when they were finally convinced of the truth). Why was a photo of him and his mistress on the brochure?

Why did an international ministry invite him to oversee 9 Midwestern states, along with me? Why did they make a movie, in which I openly state, "He was sometimes a monster." and no red flags were raised?

I sent in a 10 page letter begging the movie not to be made. And after it was made, I sent an even longer letter begging it to be retracted. Why did they see my efforts to shut it down as an obstacle to be overcome?

Randy left wife #5 (well, they didn't actually get legally married. They just lived as a family, with their daughters, and ministered in churches together. Yes, they share a house, a bed, and made a home… so I classify that as a "marriage" even if it's not legal… but that doesn't really matter what I think – it's how she felt that matters) … he left her destitute, without a vehicle, and he trashed her belongings. 

He left me that way, too…. but it's not the material possessions lost that matter… it's the pieces of our souls that he stole. 

No, we're not here as victims….. we are survivors, picking up the pieces and moving on, believing God's promises that it will be better than before.

But if you watch the movie, you will see and understand that the cycles of abuse did not abate, and in fact, the silence of good people has empowered the abuse to grow and get worse.

There is so much more I could share, but as #5 says, "No one will believe you because he's lied about you so convincingly." 

Does it matter if I raise my voice and speak my truth? Pastors say, "It's 50%… she must have done at least 50% to contribute to the breakdown."

In the case of a man who openly states he hates not only me but all women, who works to sabotage my life, who threatens my life, who says, "I want to watch you suffer" … in that case, it's not the 50% rule at all. It's a sociopath playing with his prey.

Is this the voice of a bitter wife? No, it's a bitter man whose poison is sweeping through the body of Christ, and there are others just like him.

We raise our voices not to blame or shame, but to save lives!

#6 probably won't believe a word I say. #5 didn't either. #5 was one who attacked and threatened me, for writing as I do. But she's thankful I am here now to listen to her pour out her heart. And she tells me I was write. Because we share the same story. He's done exactly the same to her as he did to me. And he did to me the same as he did to #3.

All his wives are different. All his children are different. But what remains the same is that he hates us. There is no 50/50 rule for a bitter man, angry at the world but mocking us with his "loving" and "grace-ful" messages.

There is a wider and wider trail of wreckage in his wake. Yet churches will continue to disregard the victim, even blame the victims, while putting him on stage. 

I've already lost everything… I have nothing to gain by writing this. My soul desire is to save a family from destruction, beginning with my own soul…. my own children and grandchildren. I am still picking through the rubble and pulling out the tattered pieces of my soul. And I'm helping my children to recover, too…. including a little girl who only knew Randy to be her "Daddy" all her life-long. He abandoned her without a word.

Yes, he will preach on the "Father's heart of love" and you will see photos of him together with women and girls. And you will read comments that say, "What a good dad you are!" "You're just what that little girl needs!"

But ask one of those little girls… do they see the Father's heart now? 

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Susan McKenzie March 22, 2013 at 7:23 am

I want you to set yourself to truly love from your heart.  When you do this there will be no offense or division.  Envy and jealousy will suddenly seem ridiculous.  And, to some the idea of loving your enemies seems impossible.  But, if your love for Me is perfected, the love for others will be your only recourse, says the Lord.  I will help you as you yield to My purposes. 

 

Matthew 5:44 "But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you."

 

This is from "Spirit of Prophecy" by Marsha Burns…

 

I want to love my enemies….

Reply

Susan McKenzie March 20, 2013 at 3:46 pm

I cannot recommend highly enough Jim Wright's article, "The Sin of Silence" – Please take a moment to read! Every church leader needs this information 🙂   http://crossroadjunction.com/2013/03/18/idolatry/

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