Does A Sociopath Have A Heart?

Does A Sociopath Have A Heart

By: Susan Deborah Schiller

From the series, "Understanding Sociopaths & Abuse Tactics"

A reader asked me, "does a sociopath have a heart"? In other words, is there ANY HOPE at all that they might change and become "real".

I do know of extremely abusive people, even criminals, who have completely changed and are headed in the opposite direction. Graham Cooke, one of the wisest and kindest men on earth today, was raised in a family of professional criminals.  

Only God can change a person's heart. You can be severely hurt if you attempt to help a sociopath to change. Not only that, but you can get in God's way!

The best way to help, is to expose what is happening.

Statistically, less than 5% of people with sociopathic behavior will change. The majority will continue to abuse the people around them, and an ever-expanding ripple effect of damage occurs, overlapping in many cases, causing victims to experience wounding on top of wounding, along with a sense of despair. It's heavy psychological damage… a ripping and tearing open of our hearts.

The kingdom of God is within us. In John 14, Jesus explains that our Father has come to make His home in us and that our bodies are His temple.

Home is at the very core of our being… a safe place… a place of unconditional love and acceptance. No wonder it's the very place a sociopath wants to destroy!

We are fearsomely and wonderfully made. We are created in God's image, and He inhabits us in the form of "Spirit". A sociopath's primary target is our heart. His weapon of choice is words: tearing you down, diminishing your talents and gifts, slandering you, accusing you, making you feel worthless. Worse, through repetition he will WEAR YOU DOWN while attempting to subjugate you. He will NEVER GIVE UP unless he finds a better prey.

A sociopath has become so hardened that he cannot empathize with you – not one little bit. So you cannot appeal to his conscience or help him to understand your feelings.

Here's what I observed, using one story (there are dozens more, just like this one):

My husband (who my marriage counselors told was likely a sociopath) was feeling discouraged. After so many years of being his sole caregiver, 24/7, following a spinal cord injury, I was used to being attentive to his every mood change. He was experiencing what he, himself, called a "mental breakdown". But this "mental breakdown" was something that would often come on suddenly and then eventually disappear without any intervention.

This is how he described it, and I recorded it in my diary: "Something came into my body and pushed me far down. It took over my hands and feet and tried to use the steering wheel to drive my truck off the cliff. I was barely able to get back control of my body."

I have watched his body change as this being, which I believe was a demon, entered his body. It began with shaking in his extremities. His arms and legs would tremble, getting more and more violent, as his emotions went beserk. It would take several hours of calming him down for him to return to "normal" – but normal was still a very unstable state.

Sometimes, during the onset of these symptoms, he would grab a gun and threaten to take his own life. This happened a lot. He refused to get help, but instead, relied upon certain church leaders to pray for him.

He became more stable, with prayer, but in a more devious way. He didn't have the "breakdowns" as much but he began experiencing delusions of grandeur, which he kept under control very well while others were around, but which were blatant with me. For example, he would vehemently attempt to persuade me of how special he was – how he was not an "ordinary man" any more. He persistently explained that he and Jesus had a PHYSICAL relationship and that he was one of the SPECIAL people who got to walk and talk with him in physical form, just like the disciples did in Bible days.

No one saw this side and how deep it went, except me. His "power" to do signs, wonders, and miracles opened doors of ministry to him all over the country. I tried to suggest to the church leaders who were hosting him that our marriage was falling apart and that it might be better to postpone the events, but no one – not a single person in that group – was interested in hearing what I had to share, except for a few close friends, counselors, and ministry leaders.

Here's why I believe a sociopath does have a heart, at least in some cases, in his own words:

"Sue, you're the only person in my whole life who has ever gotten behind the wall. I don't know how you did it and I hate you for it. I hate all women, but I hate you the most because you got behind my wall and you've seen me. No one else has ever seen me."

To provide context, he spoke these words while driving erratically on a country road. He was speeding and then jumping on the brakes, trying to terrorize me both with his words and with the dangerous driving. There was a recent time, just prior to that incident, when he was driving over 65-mph and suddenly did a 180 degree, and my head crashed into the passenger window, which caused severe neck pain for awhile. So I had reason to be afraid. We made it to our destination safely, but the tension was palapable. It was pure psychological terrorism.

He was "out of his mind" for several hours; but it was still within his control. We met up with the ranch owners, who suddenly drove in unexpectedly, right in the middle of one of his "breakdowns". Within seconds I watched my husband jump out, before they could see him in that state, and immediately he was grinning his old "happy go lucky cowboy" grin!

It was like the Twilight Zone, for me, because I watched the ranch owners (very astute and discerning people) laughing right along with my husband. He was "normal" all of the sudden. No one ever suspected what my husband was like behind closed doors.

He fell for the enemy's plot to give him "protection" through the wall around his heart, like a bank vault. He traded his soul, I believe, for this dark "safe place" which took over and possessed his body…. not full-time, at first.

Insecurity, I believe, along with low self-esteem and a history of sexual molestation is the primary factor in provoking this type of abuse.

TRUST is the opposite of insecurity and it unlocks the vault that "protects" their hearts. It's their only chance, I believe.

I fear for their souls, but I believe they have hearts. As I write this I weep for their souls, because most of them began experiencing demonic "help" from the time they were little children, even toddlers. Such was the case with my (ex)husband. 

If we as the Body of Christ can WAKE UP and recognize the DANGER we are putting the sociopaths in by HIDING and DENYING the reality of what is really happening… we might be able to save so many more souls!

You see, I love him more… love exposes darkness, like a doctor who exposes cancer cells and exposes those cells to radiation. The Light of Christ is the spirit of Truth, and truth is as radiation to cancer – it forces darkness to be eradicated.

Love does not cover up evil for fear of being seen as "critical" or "bitter".

   Love tenderly but firmly exposes. 

      Love holds the Light to the dark core of evil that threatens the heart of the family – the backbone of society.

As always, I encourage you to receive this simply as my own personal life story and not as health advice. I encourage you to seek professional help, if you wish.

I'm very interested in hearing your stories, your thoughts and observations. Family is the backbone of society… together we can help restore the family by listening to each others stories and learning from each other!

 

My Full Story     What I Believe    Contact Me

With all my love,

Sue

Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate to freedom and fullness.  
 
Today Susan helps people write their life stories, unearthing the treasures of their past and sowing them into their future, creating new family legacies.
 

Copyright © 2010 to 2015 Team Family Online, All rights reserved.   For reprint permission or for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller

{ 46 comments… read them below or add one }

Holli January 10, 2017 at 1:37 am

Susan, I have been with a sociopath for over 7 years. When I met him he was so charming and attentive. Slowly, he began to commit crime, lie, take drugs, anything to make him look like a "thug". I had a job, I had high self esteem, I was happy and moving forward in life. Somewhere, I lost it all. He has been so mean to me and taken everything from me. I look back and see that he has never done anything for me. I was the one who did everything for him. He lies straight to m y face and tells me we are going to have the perfect life, while, cheating on me and stealing all of my money. He would be so sorry and I would believe him. Now, I am so confused. I feel like I should have seen all of this in the past. I did see it. I rationalized his behavior and thought that I was the one who wasn't being good enough. I don't trust my own judgement. The worst thing is I STILL CRAVE HIM! Why? I know how evil he is, that he doesn't care. But I am going crazy wanting him to call, see him, anything to do with him. I don't understand this. My heart is so full of hurt. The thought of him coming to me and telling me it was all a misunderstanding, just like all the times before, makes me want to go after him.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I never felt this way about anyone before. The good men in my life that treated me good never had this effect on me. I would just tell them to go away without any hesitation and not think about it again. This man, he has a hold on me. The worst way, it's like I want to be abused. He has a new girlfriend, 5 months in to our marriage. He left me and hasn't contacted me for 2 months. I dont know where he is. He left a message at a friend's telling me that "He knows how bad I am going to suffer thinking about him and her and not being able to do anything about it. He will post pictures on Facebook". Which he does. I saw them and was crushed. I have been managing to not look for a few weeks. I just don't understand my thinking pattern. I have no joy, enthusiasm, I just feel like a ripped up piece of meat bleeding everywhere. How do I get over this? What should I do to get the old me back? I don't even want to be with another man. I feel unattractive, old and used up. I wasted 7.5 years with him and I knew something was wrong 5 years ago. Why did I stay? I always wanted our perfect life. The one he kept promising.

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Susan Schiller January 10, 2017 at 6:09 am

Dear Holli…. 

You’re going to be all right but it does take a little bit of education, to begin to comprehend what your brain is doing – to crave such an evil person. I would like to share with you what Dr. Rhonda Freeman has to say about the neuroscience behind pathological love relationships. 

http://heartscribes.org/neuroscience-pathological-love-relationships/

Beginning to understand the pathology is the first step to extricating yourself. I’m not promising it’s easy or instant, just in getting some knowledge…. but it’s a good place to start!

You will get your life back… it may not be the same old life you had before you met this monster, but it can be even better.

Much love to you Holli…. thank you for sharing your heart here. 

Susan

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Matthew Weaver October 16, 2016 at 1:01 pm

i read this article and i am a self admitted sociopath, and my girlfriend is one too, i am on facebook and trying to find solutions to this mess, it wasn't until i started dating her and had a good dose of my own medicene from her that i realised what i was, and i worry about her everyday, anyway maybe we could talk sometime

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TruthwithLove June 27, 2016 at 11:21 pm

WOW Susan!  I just read what yociopath Have A Heart". I completely agree and have been praying for her, though I must admit, not as consoisitently as I know I should be.  Thank you for the reminder. And, yes, we myust bring them and their wounded hearts to light for the betterment of those around us and them.  I have been saying this to the couple friends I have left and some of our more astute Christian leaders (most missionaries in other countries) who have agreed, but you are the only other person I have run across who is adamanat about their only hope and release from demonic oppression being through prayer and the healing force of God Himself. You have truly encouraged me today at a time when I was beginning to feel overpowered by the events and strategies being used against me. Sorry, just admitting I have moments of weakness too… but your site and articless have really helped.

And it was really powerful to know that someone else knows what it is like to be the only person to see what these pretenders are like out of the "limelight" of public view. You can't tell me they never know what they are doing or are unable to control themselves because they do when it benefits them and avoids discovery of their true darker selves.  Though she would often admit to me in proivate that she had a black heart.  No one else could possible imagine what they are like unless you live with them 24/7 or how much love and forgiveness we pour into them and how much we serve and want them to change and desire to be used of God as the power to their change, only to see it vaporize into what seems to be an eternal darkness.

I was only with her for less than a year total time, yet my heart has been ravaged unlike any other time.  Would decimated or nearly obliterated be  fair words to use.  I am fairly sure I was not her first since she is now in her fourth decade of life but I would hoipe I could find a way to help be her last victim.  And though I have been learning and studying narcopathinc behavior for about four months now, this is all so new to me and still surreal.  I know I had written a response to one of your other posts today, but I would gladly accept any advice or help you or your other readers might wish to give in regard to healing, praying for her, and possibly setting up a website as well.

Please accept my deepest thanks.  Sometimes I still very much feel like a fool that this has happoened to me but I am trying to accept it as a learning lesson and a place God has brought me so I can be perfected for His use.  And I appreciate you allowing me to use the pseudonym truthwithlove becaue she and her friends now scour these sites and she is making the claim that she is the victim and I am the psychopath.  I am literally being hunted by these people. Are these things that usually happen in these cases? Thoughts? Advice?

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Susan Schiller June 28, 2016 at 7:57 pm

TruthwithLove, blaming the victim is horrendous but predictably the standard offense of darkness against the potential Light on their demonic deeds.

My suggestion is to keep your writing anonymous for now, as you are here, and if you start a blog or write a book, write privately for awhile. I wrote privately for decades, never intending to publish until God led me to do so. 

Evil is relentless, yes. 

You’re not a fool; you’re just a person who got mixed in with what the Bible calls a tare, or a child of the devil. There is more I could share here, about the origins of such people, but it would take a book….

You are fortunate you have been able to arm yourself with truth and to protect yourself with distance. 

Evil would like nothing more than your attention, so my encouragement is to not try to figure it all out. Even the knowledge of evil is toxic. Learn as much as you can to be free, but then seek beauty in equal or greater measure.

I’m not a counselor, just a fellows survivor. I’m only speaking from my own experience.

Seek beauty… get into Nature as much as you can. Walk barefoot in the grass or dirt or snow. Walk in the rain. Drink big gulps of Nature. Nature is the best purifier of body, mind, and soul. 

What I and others have found is that we can easily be taken out, acting as a single individual. My blog helps survivors but I don’t think it’s made a dent in the overall epidemic… but I”m not finished yet.

We need a united front… all of our stories connected, I believe. 

Literally, we all tell the same story.

Yes, I have been called a psychopath. 

I’m still only just beginning to learn.

All I really know is choosing love every moment of the day is the way.

I will trust God. I will trust myself, too…. my inner knowing… for God’s given me a new heart with His law inscribed on it. The Truth is deep within me… so is the Way and the Life.

These things I know.

I have learned to release a lot. To not be attached to outcomes.

I can’t save other victims. They believe the lies just like I did. I can’t blame them. I will simply be here when they wake up to the Truth. When they’ve hit rock bottom. 

Confronting evil is best left until you’ve had more time to heal. That’s why I have encouraged you to write privately, at first… or with a team of safe people.

I hope this helps a bit. 

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anon March 18, 2016 at 11:20 pm

Ps, I just submitted a post, would you kindly make my name anonymous?  excuse my previous typos, and please let me know when you respond.  I appreciate your perspectives here.  Thank you. 

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anon March 18, 2016 at 11:08 pm

Please tell me how on earth I protect my vulnerable, speech delayed and medically vulnerable son from the once a week visits- he comes back grinding his teeth, sweating, nightmares and many other behavior and health problems.  I am a Christian and I see no way to protect him.  Fleeing didn't work.  Again, my son has language disorder, so I am unable to communicate the same way other parents might to help their child.  There has got to be sucess, some kind of appeal.  I do not understand habing no empathy, or comscience.  The courts, officials have done more damge than good.  I do not believe in fear- but frankly how will the next 14 years really work and protect my son- he deserves to thrive in God's goodness. 

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Allene January 18, 2016 at 3:50 pm

Hello my son is a sociolatgh it became clear when he was very young I believe he was molested by a family member I have many other family members with other types of mental disorders myself included it runs I'm my family. He has been in and out of jail prison for a year. But I always pray and have hope in my heart. He will get himself together and have a good job and I will be excited then next thing you know he's homeless living in the hood with criminals. His father and I have done everything to help and we still rescue him in one way or another we feel sorrow for him. He has every trait except he never hurt animals for pleasure he has love in his heart I do know that for sure that could be from all the years on my knees I hope so. I always thought why hasn't God helped him and our family? But now I believe he has because my son does have remorse but will continue with all the other treaits of sociopathy. I know only God can help hi! I gave him up to him awhile back I rarely speak to him unless he's been kicked out once more or fallen far again. I love him unconditionally but I can't live with the terrors he put me thru I cannot be in his presence for long its sad. I just stay on my knees. I read somewhere tndy get better as time goes by when they get older he's 25 not there yet I have love and compassion as any mother could have for their son but there comes a time when you have to heal for your self from the abusiveness of the years of fear for them and yourself. God has been with me or I woukdbg be here to tell my story ..

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Allene January 18, 2016 at 3:53 pm

Sorry for the typos its hard to type from a phone

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Susan Schiller January 18, 2016 at 6:37 pm

No worries! I replied below…

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Susan Schiller January 18, 2016 at 6:37 pm

I feel for you, Allene. Molestation can play a huge role, among other things, in creating a sociopath. There’s a lot that we don’t know yet. I’m glad you are recognizing you need a safe distance and healing space for yourself, while still praying and believing for your son.

More and more, I’m seeing a need for deliverance for these people from a very young age. We need more people trained to recognize these traits from a young age, for that’s often when it begins. I believe we’re coming into such a time, but it’s still needing more progress. 

There are young kids today – mainly ones who have been adopted, especially from extremely traumatic homes – who are diagnosed with a number of mental illnesses including RAD, ODD, and other disorders. When I listen to the parents of these children it seems the children all do and say the same things, just like an adult sociopath. In many cases these children say they enjoy torturing their families. They actually enjoy psychological and physical torture.

To me, only a demon can say that. I believe we are body, soul, and spirit and so we need to address this problem on all three levels at once. The spiritual level, to me, is the most powerful and also the most neglected. But also, if you address it purely on a spiritual level, I have seen failure there, as well, because we tend to forget there is neurological impairment… their brains are damaged and need to have new connections.

In the meantime, there seems to be very little support for the families and care-givers of these children. You are a heroine, Allene, for loving your son all these 25 years through thick and thin! And for keeping your heart open… and still believing. 

I pray God gives your son the healing miracle he needs. And I do believe in miracles! I often pray into the DNA of every cell in a person’s body and I have seen healing come in seemingly impossible situations. The DNA needs healing, for that’s how the cells reproduce. It takes time for the cells in our bodies to be replaced. Months. So I keep praying into the DNA of the cells.

That’s when I’ve seen the most healing. It takes time and these people will put you through hell. Distance and tough love measures are most definitely needed. Sometimes even jail.

But I have seen healing of a man who was formerly diagnosed by a psychiatrist as a psychopath. It was not easy and it was horribly messy, but he came through. He made a decision to give his all… to give up everything, to lay down his life, to wake up every morning with one purpose to hear God and to obey God by serving His children. He lives to serve God and His children now. Simple but not easy.

I pray for you, Allene, to be cleased even right now, down to the DNA in all of your cells… to be comforted and strengthened and to be filled with JOY unspeakable and full of glory and the PEACE that passes all understanding that is not of this world, but of the Kingdom of Christ. I pray for the Spirit to kneel at your feet, even as you have knelt at His feet, and to fill you with Love.

You are a hero!

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Angela August 24, 2015 at 6:31 pm

so I am confused. Do I give up on my husband or there is no hope????

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Susan Schiller August 25, 2015 at 7:23 am

Hi Angela,

It’s really confusing, isn’t it, to know whether to stay or leave. You might try https://www.divineromanceministries.org/ for personal marriage support and questions.

Without knowing your story it’s difficult to know, but yes there is hope for marriages that have this level of abuse. But many times it takes a “wake up call” for the abuser.

You might also read this article that helped me when I had to sort through the issues: http://heartscribes.org/diary-of-a-battered-preachers-wife-12/

And for more from Kimberly and Josh: http://heartscribes.org/kimberly-and-joshua-dimick-speak-on-marriage-divorce-recovery-from-spiritual-abuse/ who are a couple I highly recommend for escorting victims of this level of abuse through the complex issues of marriage and divorce.

I pray for God’s blessing on you, Angela, as you navigate through the maze of materials. The couples I referenced above are people I trust and recommend!

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Paradox August 18, 2015 at 8:28 pm

Thank you. I am a sociopath. And a Christian. I recognize that there is something wrong with me, and I want to change. This is the first article for Christians that I have found which does not just tell Christians to stay far away from sociopaths because they are evil and can never be helped. So thank for believing that at least some of us want to change and can change. It means a lot.

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Susan Schiller August 19, 2015 at 6:43 am

I know a former psychopath, personally, who is 180 degrees different than he used to be. His commitment to changes far exceeds anything I’ve witnessed in anyone, anywhere… there is hope. If you’re interested, I can share with you the steps he’s taken.

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Jules August 20, 2015 at 4:46 pm

I would like for you to share with me how he made this change. I would be ever so grateful. Thank you

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Susan Schiller August 21, 2015 at 10:06 am

To make my reply as honest and up to date as possible, I will contact him and get more of his current story. To give you a preview, though, I will say he lives a life very much like Mother Theresa did.

I will be back soon, probably with a long story or a series of articles, because his story is really a good one and he has much wisdom to share.

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Jody August 23, 2015 at 6:23 am

Yes, I am interested to know the steps he took to change.

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Susan Schiller August 23, 2015 at 6:45 am

Hi Jody,

For this article, or series, I plan to make a trip to interview him personally. He has already given me permission to share his whole story as candidly as you wish to hear it.

I’ll be back soon!

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Karen August 27, 2015 at 9:39 am

Please help me 

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Susan Schiller August 27, 2015 at 9:48 am

Help is on the way, Karen… from God's heavenly forces. That's what it takes. I'll be back with more stories, but in each story of victory it's God's forces that invade and bring rescue. I'm so sorry you are suffering!

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Antonette Cohn January 1, 2016 at 2:06 pm

Please inform me with these steps!! I am a sociopath in pain for I feel guilt and shame for my ways. I can't now look back to the past and see how my actions were wrong, but I fear that I can't see correctly see my present behavior whilst I do it. Please help me. Also, I am a Catholic and very my believe in the power of God. 

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Julia February 24, 2016 at 7:16 am

I break the power of Trauma in your body, soul and spirit in Jesus' name, and ask Jesus to remove its effects from your DNA, every cell and every memory.

I bind the Strongmen of Pride (religion), Mind Control and Pharmakeia in the mighty name of JESUS and claim your deliverance and salvation into His Kingdom.  I plead the Blood of Jesus to redeem you and completely set you free in His mighty name. Amen

God bless you!!  He whom the Son sets free is free indeed. Shalom and Sozo to you. May the Holy Spirit guide you into all truths and use you to set others free in Jesus' name!

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anna July 26, 2015 at 6:36 pm

Hello Sue,

thank you for this opportunity, i would love to send you a story and make a contribution to this wonderful empathic community-if I get your permission, of course 🙂 it truly is an amazing journey..i will send you my story as soon as i am done writing it, along with my personal details, and this should be done via email if i am not mistaken? thank you so much, you are an inspiration to us all 🙂
love, Anna

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Susan Schiller July 26, 2015 at 8:15 pm

Hi Anna,

Yes, it’s best to send your story to my email address here. I’ll read it, and if needed, If you like, I’ll help by asking questions to help draw out more of the story, or suggest possible edits. You don’t have to worry about grammar or spelling – just make it truly your story. I’m here to help, if needed. You don’t need to feel you’re alone. 

Once you feel the story is just the way you like it, it can be published, with your permission. Does that sound okay?

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anna July 27, 2015 at 12:00 pm

yes of course it is 🙂 thank you, i am looking forward to our cooperation! 🙂 

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anna July 26, 2015 at 5:40 pm

Hello my dear Sue 🙂

I wrote to you quite some time ago, a couple of months ago to be more precise, and i still keep thinking to myself – gosh, I must have been sooo overwhelming, writing about my fears and tragedies! I now see that i was actually in the middle of solving this life-crisis, the greatest one of all by far, and that was why i used to talk incoherently and probably project some of my own fear based emotions into my writing – I am truly sorry if that was the case, it was never my intention, i just wanted to cry for help but didn’t quite know how. it is interesting, how one cannot express himself fully when he needs it the most. in the meantime, i finally cut all contact with the sociopaths in my life, started repairing myself, slowly and with patience, but most importantly, i discovered the most amazing thing one can discover, and that is myself, THROUGH God and his power. The profoundness of that realization made me see how, perhaps, in these times of big struggles between the good and the bad, we are called upon to enlighten the world, and therefore are presented with these huge, huge emotional and spiritual chalenges. At the time i wrote to you, i wasn’t aware of how much this all had to do with faith and God! so, naturally, when i got to the point of feeling better and more like myself, i remembered your blog, and how everything you said was absolutely what i needed to hear. i would just like to say thank you, for everything, looking back it seems to me that it was no mistake i contacted you in particular. i now believe it must have been angels, making sure i was on the right path 🙂 and to all of you who are writing comments and stories on this blog, and who are struggling to get their hearts back on track, i would like to say keep up the good (best!) work and go ahead and have NO FEAR, just JOY and LOVE and FAITH! 🙂 there most certainly is a light at the end of the tunnel 🙂
p.s. i would be interested in submitting some more of my thoughts/insights, they would all be uplifting and with a healing purpose, i just don’t know where! 🙂 if you do know, please let me know via comments 🙂 thank you so much! 🙂 love and light! thank you Sue! 🙂

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Susan Schiller July 26, 2015 at 6:03 pm

It’s quite an amazing journey, isn’t Anna, when we discover all the benefits on the other side. Thank you for your kind and uplifting words, and yes, I would love to consider allowing you to be a guest blogger. You can see samples of other reader’s writings in this space here: http://heartscribes.org/category/write-to-freedom/.

As you can see, you would have your own byline, biography, and if you choose to have a picture, please include copyright info, release, and permission to post. I love to feature good and uplifting stories, because as you say, everyone’s story makes a huge difference!

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Anonymous May 8, 2015 at 9:24 pm

Hi Susan:

I have been reading on you website and my ex boyfriend and I think he fits the criteria of Sociopath. I left him with No Contact a month and a half ago. I have felt that fear, and for awhile I pushed it away. Many things I think I always "knew" but I stayed with him on and off. There were many times when I could disengage from him and treat him with unconditional love. I told him at times that we could be friends and I would have been happy with that but it was not what he wanted and he wouldn't hear of it. He was always restless and bored. He never told me he loved me even when I told him I loved him. All he said was, "you keep telling me that." I always felt as though he loved me but now I am pretty sure he was never capable of that. He had also been sexually abused when he was young and there were unhealthy bonds with his mother and this was tied to religion somehow. 

  I once told him that he was relentless and he treated it almost like it was a good thing. My sense told me not to live with him and towards the end he had pulled me into things that hurt my soul. The one thing however, he could not kill my soul or steal it. I know God had always been with me through the whole thing. I suffered greatly when I left but the thing is, you do not realize how great the damage is until you are actually away from it.  I suffered from the same, confusion, fear, being startled easily, crying. Honestly, I cannot go back, and even when I think I could, something in me "knows" it dangerous and it always stops me. I have been in counseling and for the past nights I have slept through the night and it's feels wonderful! I do love him but I know that God is the only one who can heal him. I want to pray for him but I don't know how to pray. I just pray that God would reveal the darkness around him to him. I feel sadness and compassion for him. It's so hard to love someone who you know is suffering but cannot find his way out. This is the only thing that is so hard. I hate knowing this.

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Susan Schiller May 9, 2015 at 6:13 am

Hi there,

I feel so much love and compassion flowing from your heart, even in the midst of your own pain, you are sending this man your compassion. We don’t have to hate, even though having no contact feels like we are hurting someone. We can love from a distance, and that is the greater love, when necessary.

I’m glad you have professional counseling and that you are beginning to sleep through the night. You speak truth, that it is often after we leave that we begin to understand how much damage was done. I’m glad you are committed to staying out of the relationship, knowing that he’s not going to change unless he is strongly confronted and helped by someone who has not been his source of supply – his energy source.

The victims of a sociopath are not equipped to help a true sociopath – only a person who is knowledgeable and mentally healthy and strong, but even, with the best help, most heavy abusers don’t change.

I believe our lives are a prayer, independent of words. Your actions are your words. Your love is a prayer. You are holding out this man to his Creator and letting go so that God can do what needs to be done. That is an incredibly powerful prayer!

You have done all you can, and even now you seek to do more. You have a heart full of love and you are going to be all right. I ask God to enlarge your spiritual perception so that you can see this man through His eyes. I also ask God to expose the darkness in your ex-boyfriend and to send the right agents of light to create a way for this man to come Home, whatever it takes. Father, please help this woman to rise up and help her to see into your eyes and also through your eyes. Give her your peace that overflows. Thank you for saving her from this destructive relationship!

It’s been a privilege to read your words, my friend, and to hear your heart today – thank you!

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deva March 29, 2015 at 9:13 pm

your site really helped.  am in a very bad situation, trying to break off from a lady whom i strongly believe is a sociopath.  is it possible to tell my story vide email?  once again, thanks for the site. God Bless.

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elaine January 14, 2015 at 7:30 am

My mother is a sociopath. I have read many web posts on the behaviors of a sociopath and the horrible treatment they are capable of, however I have never heard any stories that compare to what my father, brother and I have experienced as well as family pets.

As far as a sociopath's lying and acting abilities, my mother has the oscar and has managed to use the legal system to completely destroy me. She accused me of a heinous crime that SHE committed and now I am labled a felon. By the grace of GOD I was somehow released from incarceration. I have been threatened with a 22 year (life) sentence that hangs over my head daily. The courts are toying with my very existance and freedom through extortion methods beyond my capability to fulfill.  

I have no further monitary means to survive as the woman destroyed everythingI owned and told lies about me to assinate my character. I do have in my possession videos and pictures that can expose her dasterdly deeds, but no attorney has used them for my defense. (I have had numerous attorneys).

The woman has killed 3 cats since she had me arrested and has hoarded 20 cats still in her possession left to her abuse. The legal system has failed me as well as the animals beyond comprehension. Many agencies have gone into her house and found her mental status-behavior   and home acceptable. These people and agencies representing our citizens need to be exposed and held accountable for incompetence as well as fraud. Financial and political extortion.

The woman has not bathed for over 8 years, she has had no running water in her house for at least 3 years and you can see daylight as well as exposed wires from the ceilings and roof. She has a violent disposition, has been reported several times before, but new laws encourage (false accusations/ arrests) particular crimes involving seniors very lucrative.

I would like to write my story and a book. The years of horrors are read like a twisted Alfred Hitchcok show. This will be my only means of support that I can survive on, at present. I would like to have my name cleared. I want to rescue the cats left in her abusive home before they are all dead. I want to expose her through a documentary, utube, whatever means possible.

Can anyone help me, my free is at stake.

Thank you.

i live in Texas

 

The only way to get attention as to

 

 

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Susan Schiller January 14, 2015 at 8:29 am

Dear Elaine,

It sounds like God has put exposing these heineous crimes on your heart and I believe you will do it. You are welcome to begin practicing by sharing your stories here, if that would be of help to you. 

I’m so sorry that the person who was designed and crafted by God to unconditionally love, nurture, and protect you has gone to such extremes to harm you. 

The more stories I hear, the more I’ve come to discover this strange shield around the lives of enormous abusers… it’s like they have this special shield that protects them from exposure. It’s like we need people like you – who have been behind enemy lines – to expose what is really happening. Because it’s going on right in the open and no one sees it, let alone does something to help!

If I can be of help in listening to your story and helping you to write it, you’re welcome to write to me. I’m just a fellow survivor, but together we can all team up to get this evil exposed!

Your story is important, Elaine! Thank you for sharing. I’m praying God gives you the strength, courage, grace, and favor you need to get started!

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Ann January 5, 2015 at 8:26 pm

I believe I am or was with a sociopath. He does fit everything   It gets very confusing because he can show a lot of affection.  I did finally call the police over domestic violence he terrorized me all day. We have been together 5 years.  I'm confused now I really want this relationship to end he will not let up.  Iam a Christian and feel there is a lot of evil. It's been like hell.  Now he says he wants a relationship with god and wants help and really does not like his ways.   I don't know what to believe I know god can change people  he just won't let up.  He will be spending time in jail he is also an alcoholic.   Also he is in jail now  I think he does want god in his life but is it even healthy for me to believe and wait.  I need someone's opinion please

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Susan Schiller January 5, 2015 at 8:57 pm

Hi Ann,

Confusion is a common sign that your mind is damaged from this pathological relationship… not your mind only, but your heart and spirit. I’m just a fellow survivor, not a professional counselor, but I can tell you from listening to hundreds of stories, that the behavior your are describing is common. The miraculous healing, the desire to be healed, the softening of the heart – is usually faked and part of the manipulation to keep you in his orbit.

He’s appealing to your Christian, giving nature. You have a heart of mercy – I can feel that in the words you use. It’s so very confusing, isn’t it? You are willing to bend over backwards to help him through any amount of muck and mire and so you open your heart.

This is one thing I have learned…. that you as a survivor need to get help as much as he does. Someone who has not been his prey – someone who is qualified to see beyond the mask – needs to support him. Please don’t make the mistake I and so many other survivors have made of thinking that if only we had more patience, more grace, or more whatever that he will get better. It never works. 

I’m glad he is out of your life in a physical way. My best advice, as a fellow survivor, is to have no contact. Your brain will still be wired in a weird way (pathological relationships have a lot of irrational in them) to want to be with him, if only from a distance. It will take time and hopefully some good support to help you through this period. You’ll want to believe and wait for him – that is a gift you have. But the gift can become a curse in a pathological relationship because it empowers the evil.

Grace can become evil’s accomplice and that is a lesson a good friend had to drill into me. I wanted so badly to continue “helping” my abusive husband. She wrote these words to me: http://heartscribes.org/when-grace-becomes-evils-accomplice/. I hope they are of help to you, too, Ann.

You’re not alone. Evil is not creative and employs the same strategies with all of us. In fact, we often remark, “We married the same man!” Through education and listening to the stories of survivors we can become wise as serpents, and that is so much needed in the Body of Christ!

Thank you for sharing – I know you can make it out into the full Light. I hope this helps to clear the confusion a bit!

Hugs and blessings!

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Ann January 6, 2015 at 9:52 am

Sharon thank you so much  this site has been an answer to prayer. I have gone through so much the last 5 years. Now he is in jail he says "your love is what will help me and get me through" we know that is a lie. I gave him my all and it was never enough to fill his void.  He puts a lot of pressure on me because I know he has no one not even family. This is where I fail because I feel bad about that. His mother is for sure a sociopath. At one time I was isolated in another state with only his family. When he wanted to get back at me usually when I told him I wanted to leave him he would get his mother involved to terrorize me also  it was pure evilness you could feel it strongly. I prayed to be free and through the grace of God he brought me back to my state.  It was easy to see his mothers evilness but when romance and love is involved satan really attacks   Thank you so much for your help just reading what others have gone through is helping me so much it is a blessing from God.   I know he has damaged my heart, spirit and mind and also my health   But with that said I want to be happy and healthy again and I know God will restore me. I eventually would like to tell my story when iam totally free.  

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Ann January 6, 2015 at 10:27 am

I'm sorry  I meant to write Susan not sharon

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Susan Schiller January 6, 2015 at 3:31 pm

Hi Ann,

One thing you may consider is that writing, in and of itself, is one way to help loosen the cords and to regain your soul (clarity of mind and peace in your heart). Even these little one-paragraph snippets can be of great value, as you receive validation for what you went through. 

I’m so glad that my stories and the stories of others have helped give you more confidence and strength.  It’s not easy to disentangle ourselves from these monsters. You would think we would be running as fast in the other direction as we can, but no…. we ALL feel compelled…. for the same reasons you list.

You genuinely wanted to love him to life, and that is honorable and good…. but like you said, it was never enough.

They are an empty void and a bottomless hole. They will eat your soul – for its the enemy working through them to devour your life. And they can be so compelling… we truly want to help them and will give our all. Oh Ann, I know how it feels. It’s so deceptive, because we are being tempted by evil disguised as GOOD.

I am glad you are gaining freedom, Ann, and I hope you will have no contact with this man or his family. It’s incredibly damaging to our whole being, body, soul, and spirit… and we often don’t realize how damaging it is until suddenly we can do what we used to do. We can’t function. We can’t think as clearly. Fatigue sets in, along with chronic pain…. you may already have experienced some of this, but the danger is that if we don’t separate from the abuser – even inside our own minds in terms of thinking about him – it can become a lot worse.

You probably already know this!

I send you love and light, Ann…. and I bless you with all that God’s given me as you restart your new, very best life!

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Su December 24, 2014 at 1:17 pm

Hi Susan, 

I am almost positive that I dated a sociopath over the summer and I have questions regarding some of the things you wrote in the article pertaining to loving and trusting a sociopath.I was wondering if I can email you about it because there are some things I want to tell you that is personal.

Su 

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Susan Schiller December 24, 2014 at 3:44 pm

You are welcome to email, Su – My contact page is http://heartscribes.org/contact-susan-schiller/.

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Jan December 10, 2014 at 6:00 pm

Thank you for your inspiration. I have been searching "sociopaths"for days now  because I just knew something wS wrong. Googling the "10 Ten Flags"… I cried as each new flag appeared and I said omg.. Oh yes… That's him. My fiancée. The man that I've known since English Lit 101 back in '73 in college. I felt so blessed that we reconnected on FB last yeAr… But now, I find myself literally shaking when he is around me. I fell back in love with him and that's what's making the disconnect so hard. I'm the kind of person that feels .. "Oh let me help you"… but I find myself so scared of him sometimes and do not understand any of his crazy behavior. He went back to Ct. After living with me for 13 months here in Florida. I feel so much relief from the craziness. But he still tries to keep in contact. I remember SO WELL him always saying to me "just love me- that's all I need you to do". After reading your site, I DO believe that's exactly what he needs to get better BUT where is "the line"?  He's a dear ol friend -40years ago… so of course I care. But he" s does such bazarre things. And the lies… Omg! You truly did give my HOPE reading your page. So far, I HAVE called him out about his behavior. He seems to soften- so there's my hope. But is he being REAL!? Can I ever trust him again???  Help. 

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Susan Schiller December 10, 2014 at 7:03 pm

Hi Jan,

It must have been so fun to find an old friend, but how scary to find out he’s not who he presents himself to be. I’m so glad you’re doing the research and finding help. Because you are empathetic it’s hard not to fall for the apologies and the “softness” he can project. But if you listen to your intuition… like how much relief you feel from the craziness… you will know that disconnecting is the healthiest, safest route to go. 

You were his victim once and you will never be able to help him come out of this. No amount of love is enough. Any emotions, positive or negative, will keep feeding the empty void where his soul has shrunk into. If he’s willing to get help from someone who knows how to help such people, he will stand a chance… but with you, my best word of advice is to stay disconnected. 

You’ll find yourself hungering for his presence…. it’s a chemical trail in your brain, similar to an addiction. Don’t follow that path. Post a no trespassing zone. Don’t allow him to own any space in your brain. This is my best advice, even though it offers no hope for a relationship.

I’m not a professional or a counselor – just someone who has lived with a sociopath for 20 years and then again for 9+ years…. who has interviewed several socipaths and has dedicated her life to understand what happened to her family and helping others to avoid the same traps.

You called him out on his behavior and he softed…. please don’t see that as hopeful! If this man truly fills all 10 flags or more… he’s not going to change that easily or quickly. Apologizing and softening is all part of the Game! If he can, he’ll reel you in again and again.

Most of us fall for this trick and we end up accepting them back into our lives over and over! The fairy tale quality of the relationship, which is merely a fairy tale, is too good to resist. Our brains are impaired and the more time we spend with him, the greater the risk of more frontal lobe damage. Our ability to make healthy decisions decreases!

You are far better off recovering away from him…. I know that is hard to believe. I cannot offer you a false hope, for EVERY story I’ve ever heard from survivors mirrors your own story and my own story… and none of them include loving a sociopath back to health.

You have it in you to love that much, I sense. I know I had it in me… but does it work? No, I have not once ever heard of it working.

The closest success story there is, is Kimberly and Josh Dimick’s – and they were separated for 7 years. It was a lot of hard work. You can read their stories at http://heartscribes.org/walking-wise-love-story-1/

You may wish to get professional counseling… you were with him for over a year and he’s still on the fringe of your life today. This is the best I can advise, is simply to share my own story and the stories of others… and in doing so, to caution you not to hope for him to change.

At best he will only maintain a change for a few weeks or even a few months…. but he cannot help but revert to his default mode unless he gets proper held.

Does that help, or make sense?

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marior November 2, 2014 at 4:45 pm

hello sue

God led me to this website. I have fasted 70 days for the person who has exhibited sociopath traits. I desperately need advice can you email me please to discuss. there is noone who understands.

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Susan Schiller November 2, 2014 at 7:16 pm

Hi Marior,

I will send off an email to you this evening… or you can email me directly here!

Hugs,

Susan

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Anonymous October 31, 2014 at 2:16 pm

Hi Susan, How I would love and need to talk to you.   Have always heard the saying, "if you think you have it bad, there is someone who has had it worse."  As I've repeated that so many times to my children, I always follow by saying, "what gets me through is that the worst possible was what Jesus Christ went through"  "However, look at how beautiuful life is because of HIM".  Susan, I'm new to being duped by a VERY INTENSE sociopath and new to your web.  There is so much I have learned and still need to know.  Of course, I MUST remain annonmoyus as my life and children's life could be in danger.  Please do not even print my initials.  Sure hope to speak to you personally…for my journey has been kept mostly inside of myself…my best friend since childhood is not here for me due to the nature of my ex's background.  Have had a lot of time with God but thank you for your websight although my heart bleeds for all that you've endured.    

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Susan Schiller November 1, 2014 at 8:19 am

I will email you privately…. please don’t feel badly for me – I’m okay. Once you get through to the other side, you’ll see that God’s hand is weaving something beautiful in and through it. I’ll be in touch shortly…

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