Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife – "Behind Closed Doors"
By: Susan Deborah Schiller
In the Series "Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife"
Introduction: I was once called "the most abused wife" my counselors had ever met. I was married to not one, but two sociopaths. The first marriage lasted 20 years; the second, nearly 10 years. Both of of my abusers are ministers. Friends have asked me to share the story of how God helped a preacher's wife escape to freedom. The escape route is recorded within 83 diary entries, and I am sharing one diary entry per day.. This is not a step-by-step blue print of how to escape a sociopath. But I will provide links within each diary, if you wish to receive specific information.
Trigger Alert: These diaries are the raw, uncensored heart cry of a woman ravaged by rabid religious beasts who is ministered to by her friends. She finds love, acceptance, and begins to reinvent her life. By the end of the story, she has turned from a timid mouse into a roaring lioness. If God can do this for me, He can definitely do it for YOU!
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The past 2 mornings he has barged in, very early, during my prayer time (prior to 5 am)… with anger and rage. I've been getting stronger so only a few tears leak out, I don't yield to the pain. Instead I repeat what I've been taught and hold the bar high.
"Please stop. This is my personal time."
He shows me my "I feel cherished when…" list of sample things to say that makes me feel good and says, "Here, I've been doing all of them. The helpers say you're supposed to respond warmly to me." (In other words, he needs sex right then.)
I'm always on edge – I never know when the anger is going to erupt. My early morning prayer time is my most precious thing… it's when God gives me all I need to make it through my day. It's what gives me peace, makes me feel like 'me'. And that is what is being stolen from me. But I'm choosing to hold my ground.
So he opened the closet and pulled out his bags and said he was leaving (this is standard operating procedure when he's in a rage) and called over his shoulder, "I'm going to put you out of your pain."
Usually when this happens I try to calm him down and get him to put his bags away, but this time I just sat before the Lord and maintained peace, even though I couldn't help some tears leaking out. I have been so used to caregiving from the spinal injury – all the narcotics he was on – the nightmare of dealing with his suicide threats… that it's like I'm emotionally still on high alert!
So he had to make a decision to follow through or not, and he didn't. Instead he came back in and said he was going to buy a car for me. Some friends are selling an old car for $1000 and he said he'll make sure the car is delivered today so no one can say he left me without transportation in the middle of a desert.
Note from the future… he never did buy a second vehicle until one year later – a vehicle that was sabotaged just prior to me making a trip. He did leave me for up 3 weeks alone on the ranch, in charge of 100 cows and 30 horses, without transportation. And two years later, he actually did abandon me in the middle of the desert.
For anyone who has not been in a verbally / emotionally abusive relationship, the psychological abuse, nearly every victims says, is far worse that physical wounds. Dr. Rhonda Freedman teaches how psychological abuse leaves scars that are far more damaging than broken bones and bruises. There is a neuroscience behind pathological relationships that needs to be in our education systems.
Psychological abuse creates lasting damage to the physical brain, in additional to wounding the spirit and the heart.
He reminded me that this next two months is an experiment and that I'm the one being tested. He's "doing my list" and watching to see if it helps. I turned the group call on last night but he was sick – chills and fever – so we didn't stay on very long. The testimonies were so encouraging!
He kisses me… but they are not 'giving' kisses… they're very hard pecks, designed to let me know he's doing his duty. I acknowledge his attempt with gratitude, but it doesn't touch my heart because there is no kindness in them.
When he asks me why I'm sad, I tell him that his eruptions of rage are hurting me. He gets angry and says, "but that was 3 days ago!" I remind him that I have not been able to relax, because I never know when the next one is going to come. Instead of apologizing, he went on to affirm all the nice things he's doing for me from the list.
I said to him that I've been very nice in response to his 'niceness' – but if he wants warmth and love, joy and excitement – then I need his warmth and love and joy. I would settle for a smile! I would love to see a smile!
The stronger I get… the more I respond and hold him accountable, the harder it gets. I hope I'm doing this right. I will be on the women's call tonight. I'm deeply grateful for you all and I can't tell you how much I love and appreciate you!
With all my love,
S
PS My early morning prayer time with God – when he knows this is my special time – and he chooses to barge in with a furious rage – it feels like the enemy (not my husband) is trying to wear me down… but he's doing it through a man who preaches and teaches on intimacy with God, a man who says he walks and talks with God in the flesh, who everyone respects and admires… even my own adult children. This is perhaps what hurts the most… because I am the only one to see this other side.
Note from the future: I am supplying explanations and observations from the "future me" – who I am today – which will explain what you are hearing in this story. Join me below for an up to date discussion, if you wish!
With all my love,
Sue
Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate her way out of hell to a rich and satisfying life. In her lifetime, Susan has served in duties ranging from home school mom – to pastor – to full-time deliverance minister – and to Midwest regional prayer coordinator for a large international ministry. These days you can usually find Susan soaking in her favorite hot springs pool, reading a book (or several), blogging, baking bread, or hanging out with her family and friends. You can pre-order a free copy of Susan's upcoming book, "On the Way Home" by registering here.
Copyright 2014, Susan Schiller, http://TeamFamilyOnline.com. For reprint permission for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller.
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Note from the future, where I am fully alive, fully well, and fulfilled – with love, joy, and peace…
If I were a psychologist, I might diagnose the woman who wrote these diaries with complex Post-Traumtic Stress Disorder. Not simply based on these diaries, but on her story – which is a whole 'nother layer of stories – that took place before the events spoken of in these diaries.
You're looking at a wife who, by the year 2010, had experienced living with a sociopath for 28 years. Four of those years were spent caregiving a disabled man who was on Morphine, Percoset, Oxycodon, and had a history of addictions and associated problems. Four of those years were spent supporting him in becoming a minister of the gospel, to the point where she gave up her dream house, gave up her lucrative business, and gave up her life, once again.
In all those first eight years she never had a rest from trauma. It was trauma upon trauma, dealing with an angry man. A man with many deep layers of inner pain, in places no one ever saw but her.
What caused this man to leave and divorce his first wife? What caused him to walk out on her?
What caused this man to marry a woman he met in a bar, have two children with her, and then walk out the door one day into the arms of another woman?
What caused this man to be abusive to his third wife? Putting holes in walls, breaking things? What caused him to walk out on her, leaving her alone with six children in a tiny trailer in the middle of a wilderness, far from town?
What caused this man to hate all these women, going back to his mother, who has told me he hates, as well?
I could tell you, but that would be an invasion of his privacy. My mission in bringing to Light these publicly known facts to point out the COVER UP.
A film was documented of this man's life. The narrator conventiently slid over all these parts of his history and focused on this man's remarkable miracles. The ministry leaders were aware of all these facts, because I sent a detailed letter to them, prior to the film crew being hired. I sent a second detailed letter after the movie was produced, once again begging them to retract it.
God has saved his life so many times, with dramatic rescues. He is an incredible man. I wrote stories of his heroism:
https://loveyourstory.org/swift-water-rescue/
https://loveyourstory.org/boys-busted/
https://loveyourstory.org/nose-to-nose-bear/
https://loveyourstory.org/i-should-have-died/
https://loveyourstory.org/bionic-man/
I loved him with all my heart. I willingly laid down my life for him, over and over again. I never once had a thought of leaving him or being with anyone else, not even in my thoughts.
For one thing, I was too traumatized. I was unable to dream. I was numb, as I testified in the film, which is still distributed globally. I was exhausted.
At one point, R wanted to host 18-year boys in our home in the wilderness, my own son being one of them and his son being a second. Two other boys – all of them troubled – came to live with us. With a husband using heavy doses of narcotics, how do you think that played out?
What kept me sane was my twice daily trips into the wilderness to pray, recorded here: https://loveyourstory.org/sacred-life/.
Dear reader, do you see the pattern? Do you see the cover up?
Do you understand that I have kept trying to speak up? Do you see how in every instance I was silenced? I was told to "cover up"?
What does this say about our churches and communities? What message does it give to women and children who suffer in silence behind closed doors?
https://loveyourstory.org/breaking-silence/
My friend, will you join me in breaking the silence?
Why would a woman willingly enter into marriage with a man with a history like this? To be wife #4?
A ruined woman – one who was fleeing for her life. One who had been threatened to have her breasts cut off with piano wire. One who had a church leader threaten to rape her, and then take a knife and cut her up, beginning at her feet… a slow death. One whose husband wanted to put a bullet in the back of her head and watch her body drop into a rock quarry. And a number of other gory scenarios that cannot be written here.
A woman who inside a closed religious system, who had known the "outside world" for many years. A woman who saw R as a rescuer, who told her, "God told me to go to this church and to sit behind you. He said I had an assignment to protect you."
Just this week, a counselor – a doctor – told me that R was a "plant".
A plant – like a tare in a field of wheat, that Jesus talks about – is a person sent by Satan directly to disrupt your life, at your weakest moment. He poses as a rescuer.
R, indeed, saved my life. I am grateful for that.
But then he used my life for his own gain.
I am grateful I finally woke up to that and that I had people who were educated enough to see reality and to help me to escape by saying NO TO AB– USE!
I am grateful that God taught me what to do to get my life back.
I am grateful.
I am deeply grateful for all the misfits, vagabonds, homeless, and rejects who helped me along the way. I am free. I am loved. I am happy.
This is a video I was asked to create and it may help to convey how POSSIBLE with God it is to move on, to get healthy, even after being abused for most of your life.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjKZ3ZbQP24
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