Be Happy!
By: Susan Deborah Schiller
From the series, "Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife"
From my "freedom diaries" …
December 11, 2011
I came home from work late at night and received a phone call from M, the mechanic, who had been interceding for me the whole day and had received a lot of input from the Lord that he felt he needed to share.
I wish I had recorded his almost 2-hour speech… I wish I could remember it all, but I don't. But my spirit does…. for it went directly into my spirit. M has had "speeches" like this about three times, that I recall, and each time is a major turning point in my healing. It's not like he's talking at all, but it's like Jesus is on the other end of the phone line speaking directly into my heart.
He spoke like he knew me – the real me – not even the me that you guys know through my open-heart journals… not even the me that I try to tell myself I am – he nails my imposter me as only Jesus can do… in such great love.
He nailed my identity issues… he nailed my fears… he challenged the demons who have been tormenting my mind.
He said my only job is to BE HAPPY… no matter what circumstances are surrounding me. He said if I only have one loaf of bread, to share it. It's the way to happiness. True wealth is in relationships.
That's our job in the world, to be happy… to be present with Jesus, is to be carefree – happy!
I'm finally feeling more stable, having been in one location for three-months now, the longest in a year. So my outer world is stabilizing but my inner world has escalated in inner torment. No one could possibly have known that!
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, so goes Newton's law of physics… and I've known it to be true as a spiritual law, as well.
I'm sitting here at my computer this morning having had the soundest sleep in months last night. Sitting here, in deep peace in my soul… my "imposter" was exposed… that little girl who is trying so hard to be independent, to do the right things, to grow up… striving…
God doesn't want us working so hard… he just wants us to be happy. He doesn't want us worrying, he just wants us to be looking out for each other instead.
I've been so concerned about making ends meet financially… having enough food, etc. And he nailed that one, too… he said, if you have one loaf of bread and that's it, share it.
I watch him walk his talk. That's exactly what he does.
I've been so concerned about the house I'm staying in… for any day now I could get a call telling me my time is up. I don't have a contract – and the woman who owns this house is "experimenting" … she just got a job out East but it's only temporary and she is living with a friend, and that relationship has been tenuous.
I find myself so traumatized by this past year of having to pick up and leave, over and over again… having moved 6x in the past 12-months. I just want to settle down in a 'home' – even if it's just one-room. I want to put up my own pictures on the walls and sit in my own rocking chair.
I'm so tired of this imposter girl… this hopelessly striving woman… I want to be authentic. I want to be happy.
His words perfectly fit with the advice three counselors gave me just prior to my 1st divorce… that my job is to be happy, and that by being happy I will show my children a better pathway… and that true love prevails.
My fear was coming from that hopeless, despairing place, where I was tormented endlessly.
A couple months ago I had a dream… I was inside a catacomb, the place of the dead. I was in a custom-made grace filled with pictures and remembrances of the past. M came to the doorway, which was very narrow and he told me, "Susan, it's time to leave this place of the dead." I got up and left.
This morning my spiritual mom called me, we are best friends… Donna… and she told me, "Susan, I've been praying and I saw that you are living in the past and you need to look forward and move ahead in your life." Wow, an instant confirmation of my dream!
So in this journal entry, I'm making a commitment to leave the past behind, to leave the catacomb, and to face forward… I choose to be happy.
I am a wealthy woman… for I have you friends here in internet-land… I have my family who love me eternally… I have a God who can speak through donkeys if he wishes but he often chooses to use the "fools" of this world to better showcase His Glory…
And I have me… the real me, not this imposter girl who is chronically "nice" and always striving to be "good" and to do the "right thing" but has so messed up her life trying to be good! And I have food for today, a warm and safe home for today, a truck that gets me back and forth to work for today, a job for today… and God said we're not to worry about tomorrow….
Today I choose to be happy. I grin in the face of disaster.
Thank God He uses the foolish things of this world to confound the wise.
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction….
For all the grief and pain we have all endured…
there is equal and opposite JOY and GLORY!
Hah! God is laughing…. and rejoicing… He dances around us!
Note from the Future: Never believes the lies that you are too old, too broken, too far behind, too lost, too whatever… maybe God is teaching you, too, to grin in the face of disaster.
Maybe it's time to come out of the catacombs of grief. Maybe it's time for change. I know you may not feel ready. Take your time. But watch for the signs. Listen for the clues.
Be ready for the opportunities God brings. Open your heart again. Breathe deep! Be happy. Just for today, okay?
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With all my love,
Sue
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