Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife – The Chameleon Effect
By: Susan Deborah Schiller
In the Series "Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife"
Introduction: I was once called "the most abused wife" my counselors had ever met. I was married to not one, but two sociopaths. The first marriage lasted 20 years; the second, nearly 10 years. Both of of my abusers are ministers. Friends have asked me to share the story of how God helped a preacher's wife escape to freedom. The escape route is recorded within 83 diary entries, and I am sharing one diary entry per day.. This is not a step-by-step blue print of how to escape a sociopath. But I will provide links within each diary, if you wish to receive specific information.
These diaries are the raw, uncensored heart cry of a woman ravaged by rabid religious beasts who is ministered to by her friends. She finds love, acceptance, and begins to reinvent her life. By the end of the story, she has turned from a timid mouse into a roaring lioness. If God can do this for me, He can definitely do it for YOU!
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Even though there has been such relief since the marriage intensive, there are signs that the battle has only just begun. He will say to me in a tone that conveys disbelief, "So I've been an abusive husband…" as if he's searching in my voice for confirmation that he has been abusive, even though he repented and apologized at the intensive …. like he's fighting denial, maybe.
I will offer him opportunities to heal my heart in a calm voice, not nagging or complaining, and the old immediate justification or self-defense system kicks in…. and after he rants for a few minutes I remind him that I was not blaming or complaining, but offering an opportunity to heal my heart.
He still belittles my pain and does not understand the depth of my grief… responding in anger to my request for apologies solidifies the pain within. He says he's afraid of making mistakes… he knows the consequence is divorce, but I assure him I am truly for him. I have always supported him. I don't want divorce – I want healing.
Of the four responses to being unloved, I fall into the "angry and bitter" category, but I'm fighting as hard as I can to forgive and keep forgiving. But when he overlooks my pain and turns to the old angry self-defense posture, it reopens those old wounds and I begin to lose hope.
if I get quiet or unresponsive to him to the least degree he gets insecure and begins to desperately pull me to him, in the form of strong sexual groping… but it's a drawing kind of love, a taking… not giving.
I know it's early in the process and I'm willing to go through this for as long as it takes. But I still feel so weary, tired, exhausted within. I've heard on the Friday calls about the importance of taking time for yourself… chocolate and shoes! And I thought to myself, "Okay, I live in the middle of a desert with no transportation and I'm totally unfamiliar with this type of lifestyle (ranching)." I don't remember what 'fun' is like…
This week my husband is gone… there were chores that had to be done 2 hours away over the mountain and we both agreed they had to be done. He's been gone for 10 1/2 weeks out of the last 12 weeks. He's doing what he loves doing and is around people who admire and adore him.
I am alone, surrounded by the quiet barrenness of mile upon mile of empty desert. The pain comes out in waves as endless as the Atlantic Ocean at Palm Coast beach and I wonder if my husband will ever truly understand…. for if he was just being the chameleon at the intensive and responding with the correct posture and responses, as he's been throughout our marriage, then I'm afraid I'm only opening myself up for more pain.
Josh advised me to keep my guard up, and I am… but I get in trouble for doing so. It's just insecurity talking, but it hurts.
These are a few of the things my husband repented for at the retreat, and they actually shocked me:
- For being afraid that I would shine greater than him, because everything I attempted to do was succeeding until he had to shut me down (specifically when we worked on the job together and I was taking on a huge task in operating heavy machinery in cleaning up hazardous materials and everyone was amazed at what I was achieving).
- For shutting me out of his personal life, because he wanted to have his own space (specifically, for not allowing me to ride horses in the desert with him).
- For shutting me out of his ministry life, because he was afraid people would like me better.
- For shutting me out of his family life, specifically for causing his mother to reject me.
- For shutting me out of his spiritual life, specifically for not wanting to pray and worship with me. (He would say he did, but his attitude and actions spoke differently and his heart and actions were to spend that time at the local gas station having coffee with the guys.)
All of these rejections and betrayals were directly aimed at my core identity, my gifting and calling, my purpose in life. What I have been fighting all these years for is my right to be me! The resistance is great even still. It's like I'm not just fighting for my marriage, but for the right to be me.
So now that we're back from the intensive I can hear the doubt in his voice when he asks me, "So I was really abusive?" And it's almost like he's going back into denial, removing himself from taking responsibility. When I call him on it, he then backs up and says, "I take full responsibility." … but his tone of voice indicates he's saying a line and it's not coming from his heart.
Note from the future: My husband has abandoned my children and grandchildren. He left without saying a word. My granddaughter discovered his infidelity accidentally, when she visited a schoolmate's house, and discovered her grandfather was living there, with her schoolmate's mother.
I just have to write these things out, because the pain is so great. It really began with my father who told me at age 12, "Sue, your mother and I have to ignore your achievements from now on to give your brothers and sister a chance to catch up. They don't feel they can keep up with you." And from that point on I lived a shadow life, and having no self-worth I married a man who was greatly abusive for 20 years… and then divorce and remarriage to my present husband. My mindset had not changed, so I attracted the same type of abuse, although to a lesser degree.
So I'm working on my own mindset, the transformation of my mind… but it feels like every day the resistance is greater because my husband isn't as anxious to change his mindset. He says he is, though… but it feels like he's only saying it because he knows he has to, to keep what he has… the old chameleon mindset has to go.
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Responses:
June:
Dear heart,
Your husband did not set out to be an abusive husband, however, he became one, clueless, selfish, from wounded childhood and arrested development, mother/son issues, etc but nevertheless – abusive. The church did not teach the correct way, he was not discipled in this. However, it is now his GREAT OPPORTUNITY and his responsibility before God as the husband of a daughter of God, a PRINCESS, to bring healing to your heart. Part of this is growing up by owning up to ALL of the hurts that he has heaped upon you. specifically. not just a blanket "I'm sorry" — that does not work.
Every man on this forum has been an abusive husband — so he is in the company of millions across the world who have not known how to agape-love and cherish their wife. He can now change all that.
Paul Hegstrom says, “Where one is teachable, these behaviors are fixable.”
It is my deepest prayer that the Holy Spirit will draw your husband to the understanding of the most important call upon his life (other than when he received Christ as Savior and Lord) is to agape-love you, his bride.
Blessings and prayers,
June
Joel:
Because an abusive husband is an ultimate child, he will say "so, I am an abusive husband, eh?" HOPING that his wife will RESCUE him, make him feel better, and tell him "tommy, you are not a bad boy.. you just did some bad things." A wife cannot succomb to this. An abusive husband is not a "good little boy who did bad things". The only way he will recover is for him to face the fact that he IS an abusive husband in recovery; in the same way that an alcoholic must recognize that he/she is an alcoholic to ever be in the proper position to defeat the problem.
You can lovingly say, "yes, you have been a very abusive husband and yes, you have to change a lot. I am proud of you for recognizing that you did not just "do" some bad things, but that you are abusive because you have an abusive "core". When you were born again, you changed a lot – but your "core" did not change. Now that your abusive "core" is exposed and in the light, between God, you and me, we can see your core being change from abuse to being loving, gentle and Christlike."
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Note from the future: I am supplying explanations and observations from the "future me" – who I am today – which will explain what you are hearing in this story. Join me below for an up to date discussion, if you wish!
With all my love,
Sue
Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate her way out of hell to a rich and satisfying life. In her lifetime, Susan has served in duties ranging from home school mom – to pastor – to full-time deliverance minister – and to Midwest regional prayer coordinator for a large international ministry. These days you can usually find Susan soaking in her favorite hot springs pool, reading a book (or several), blogging, baking bread, or hanging out with her family and friends. You can pre-order a free copy of Susan's upcoming book, "On the Way Home" by registering here.
Copyright 2014, Susan Schiller, http://TeamFamilyOnline.com. For reprint permission for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller.
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Note from the future…
I vividly remember the final day of our marriage intensive and the private meeting we had with Joshua and Kimberly Dimick. My husband confessed to them how he has been shutting me out of all areas of our relationship… for reasons of insecurity, jealousy, and his own fears.
It was eye-opening to me, to finally understand the root issues of his emotional abandonment. It's what is called an "emotional divorce".
What has surprised me the most is the response from the ministry network supporting us… my husband was all for cover up, for the show hitting the road, and for keeping on keeping on.
Some were horrified that I wasn't going on with the show, that I wasn't "supporting my husband" by showing up at healing meetings.
In reality, I just couldn't put on my show face. I couldn't pretend anymore.
My pastor (not part of our ministry network) told us it was a time of going into a cocoon… and that when we came out, we would be healthier, happier, and would minister in a whole new level of anointing.
At the same time, our ministry network overseers told us the exact opposite "word from the Lord" – and that was time to push, to march onward, to run faster.
My husband went the way of the latter advisers and I went the way of our pastor. From that point on we were publicly going in different directions.
My husband attempted to cover up my absence with explanations that "Sue's writing a book." In reality, I was running the ranch, in his absence. See "Cowgirl Up!" and "Lone Rancher" for more of the story.
I was chastised for my Facebook status updates being about cows, bulls, and horses… because, as my mother-in-law explained to me, "People might think your husband left you alone to run the ranch by yourself!"
Oh, well… isn't that the truth?
The truth was, I wasn't trying to point out that I was left alone to manage the ranch by myself, I was simply telling stories about the daily happenings on the ranch. And everyone liked my stories. I wasn't husband-bashing. I wasn't talking about him at all. I was just sharing the adventures of our ranch, and believe me, there were some really cool adventures. You see, I was a total novice at ranching!
So yes, this is my life story… it includes a lot of abuse. I write about it because it's my story. It's my life. And the more I write, the more I heal. But most importantly, the more Light is shining in the darkness.
Silence enables abuse. Let me at least not be guilty for that anymore!
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