Amputation is the Church's Preferred Solution for Victims of Sociopathic Abuse
By: Susan Deborah Schiller
From the series, "Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife"
Introduction: I was once called "the most abused wife" my counselors had ever met. I was married to not one, but two sociopaths. The first marriage lasted 20 years; the second, nearly 10 years. Both of of my abusers are ministers. Friends have asked me to share the story of how God helped a preacher's wife escape to freedom. The escape route is recorded within 83 diary entries, and I am sharing one diary entry per day.. This is not a step-by-step blue print of how to escape a sociopath. But I will provide links within each diary, if you wish to receive specific information.
Trigger Alert: These diaries are the raw, uncensored heart cry of a woman ravaged by rabid religious beasts who is ministered to by her friends. She finds love, acceptance, and begins to reinvent her life. By the end of the story, she has turned from a timid mouse into a roaring lioness. If God can do this for me, He can definitely do it for YOU!
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November 28, 2011
It's been so painful to understand… even to this day. The silence of our ministry network.. the very ones who produced a documentary film of our lives, who put us up on an international platform.
The eerie silence of friends who quietly disappear, never to be heard from again…. It's like being amputated from the Body of Christ.
I have good friends and family… all so very far away. I'm just in a strange place right now, so far from home….
My web-pastor skyped me today, as he frequently does, to check up on me. I told him I felt like going home (to Michigan) to be with my mom but that another part of me wants to fight for my independence.
He responded that I'm a fighter and said staying in Wyoming is a good thing. Another Christian mentor, David, my upline in a business opportunity, often Skypes me as well, from Korea. He checks up on me all the time and is a true elder. He understands spiritual abuse and has encouraged me to stay and fight, as well.
Note from the future: These two men, through frequent "check-ins" – like fathers – literally saved my life. Another pastor who I respected, right in that local area, said to me, "Sue, I know you. My wife and I respect you and we know your husband is a liar. But we don't understand what is happening. We feel we should stay out of this."
I know that man pretty well because I often tried to encourage him in his own ministry, as he doubts his abilities. He usually passed on the tough cases to me. He doesn't realize that withdrawing love is worse than abuse.
A victim who is in danger, physically and spiritually and economically, needs those who see what is happening simply to say hello. That's all David did… he would simply say hello, perhaps once a month or so. Their presence, even from a distance, said to me, "I see you. I hear you. You matter."
Men and women respond completely different to sociopathic abuse.
- Females advise me to retreat, take time to be ministered to, to rest, to be nurtured and cared for, to stay away from men for now, to take care of myself. My mom would open her home in a second, at any time, for me to live with her… but she's 1400 miles from my daughter and granddaughter. I'm committed to stay here to be near them (they are 70-miles away).
- Males advise me to fight, to go public, to have a public meeting with a face-to-face encounter with R, to take a stand, even to charge forward, to be strong, to make a lot of money. I have people who will back me up, when I'm ready to do this.
I agree with both perspectives. I want to fight. It's a fire in my gut to write and go public. But I'm so tired and still so full of grief. There are so many days when I push and pull myself through the day. Work really helps… it keeps me busy, and in front of people. It helps me to feel normal.
I often wonder, where is home? My friends and family are literally scattered all over the country and in four different countries. I have been in this rented house for three full months, longer than I've been in any place in the past year. It's starting to feel like home, a little bit.
If R were to give me my money (it's not his) I could take time off of work and spend a month or two with my mom, and then figure out where to work and live from there. But right now, until R releases my funds, I'm stuck.
I did send a text message to R today, asking him to please update me on when I can expect him to return my money. He's been holding onto it for several months. It's in the divorce decree his attorney wrote … he sent a text message back to me offering his saddle as an even exchange.
Hmmmm…. he sold my horse and pocketed the money…. so why would I need or want his saddle? He took my saddle, too… he didn't mention returning my own saddle and other tack
Note from the future: It's nearly three years later, and how it came to pass is that several months later my mom's heart stopped during surgery, she was revived, and I spent several months caring for her. My granddaughter came for the summer, at the same time, and in caring for my family, my own heart was revived.
There is a time to fight, to go public, and to confront. But you need to be safe first. Only you know how much you can take. If you can get professional help, that is wonderful. I had none, but I had the best friends… who whether it was once a month, daily, or every few days, they simply said "How are you?" They listened to my story. You may have no idea how valuable it is to simply tell your story… it's how I released the deepest grief and pain through writing my story, and still do.
R was forced to release the funds to me, but it was long afterward and it took a huge fight and I had to employ legal help. As it turned out, he was already living with his next victim and her daughter. He needed the money to start his new life, including ministering on an Indian reservation in Eastern Montana. Imagine that.
Never give up. Never give in. Your story matters!
Note from the future: I am supplying explanations and observations from the "future me" – who I am today – which will explain what you are hearing in this story. Join me below for an up to date discussion, if you wish!
With all my love,
Sue
Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate her way out of hell to a rich and satisfying life. In her lifetime, Susan has served in duties ranging from home school mom – to pastor – to full-time deliverance minister – and to Midwest regional prayer coordinator for a large international ministry. These days you can usually find Susan soaking in her favorite hot springs pool, reading a book (or several), blogging, baking bread, or hanging out with her family and friends. You can pre-order a free copy of Susan's upcoming book, "On the Way Home" by registering here.
Copyright 2014, Susan Schiller, http://TeamFamilyOnline.com. For reprint permission for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller.
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