First Light
By: Susan Deborah Schiller
From the series, "Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife"
Introduction: I was once called "the most abused wife" my counselors had ever met. I was married to not one, but two sociopaths. The first marriage lasted 20 years; the second, nearly 10 years. Both of of my abusers are ministers. Friends have asked me to share the story of how God helped a preacher's wife escape to freedom. The escape route is recorded within 83 diary entries, and I am sharing one diary entry per day.. This is not a step-by-step blue print of how to escape a sociopath. But I will provide links within each diary, if you wish to receive specific information.
Trigger Alert: These diaries are the raw, uncensored heart cry of a woman ravaged by rabid religious beasts who is ministered to by her friends. She finds love, acceptance, and begins to reinvent her life. By the end of the story, she has turned from a timid mouse into a roaring lioness. If God can do this for me, He can definitely do it for YOU!
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November 1, 2011
Today is a grieving day, it seems, for me… waves of pain keep rushing out. I want to get to work and be productive, but I still feel lost at sea! The internet has been a lifesaver, providing a rich community of people who show me I'm not alone.
Yesterday I researched "homeless entrepreneurs" and I learned so much about the homeless – so many things I did not know before. And I realized I am one of them, even though I have shelter right now. This house is good… but I don't have my own room.. not even my own closet. Even my toiletries are in a travel bag. What I do have is my Bible, my journals, my laptop, my wooden rocking chair, and with those, I am 'home'.
I realize I'm searching for my true identity at this time. It's been dark for a long time, but I'm beginning to see First Light.
I used to know what to do each day. I used to know what I wanted. I want to be strong but I am weak. All these "I's" …
I want to be settled in my identity,
to be settled geographically,
to be settled financially,
so I don't have to think about how to survive emotionally, financially, and socially each day… and to focus on helping others is my truest desire.
Today I'm so raw, so on the edge emotionally…
- My eldest daughter called. She just gave birth to a perfect little baby, a little girl… premature… but so very perfect. She wants me with her…
- My mom wants me with her. My son wants me close to him. My second daughter and granddaughter want me closer to them.
- My nieces and sister want me closer to them.
- And I want to be with all of them, but they are scattered across the country.
Here I am all by myself, feeling like I need to make it on my own. Grateful for a house, a furnished home, grateful for my job even though it's not perfect. I've never stood on my own two feet, as I got married right out of college.
Maybe that's what this time is… like the death of a spouse, it takes time to grieve. Divorce is worse than death, for its the death of more than a relationship, it's the death of all your hopes and dreams.
In the beginning of my homelessness I encountered other homeless people in this community. We helped each other out. For a couple months we all shared a hayfield together, each of us in our own trailers or campers. It was a comfort to know we weren't alone, because the world is not kind to homeless people… even many Christians are hurtful to the homeless..
The Christian minister, as it turns out, had been reaching out to several women… telling them he was a "bounty hunter for the Lord"… and then "wooing" the vulnerable ones, with words of love and acceptance. I was one of those women… and when I rejected the Christian minister's sexual advances, he lashed out, accusing me of attempting to seduce him!
The mechanic spoke up for me because he had been watching it happen long before I arrived, with other women and this minister, and went to the Christian minister 3x to ask him to make things right, to tell the truth. All 3x the christian minister said he could not, that he would lose everything if he told the truth. He didn't deny the truth… he couldn't, for M was an eye witness to it all. So he kicked M out of the RV park where he had at least a free spot and electricity in exchange for mechanical help.
Sometimes the predators fight over you, their prey!
M has expressed interest in having a relationship with me… strong interest. But I've been so, so not ready! Seriously not ready. And I told him that. He said he was fine… that he would wait the rest of his life, if necessary, until I was ready. In the meantime he's always checking to make sure I'm okay and doing things to help me out.
A couple of times he started drinking heavily and came on to me so strong I had to reject him. That threw him in a tailspin and he drank more… then began sending me suicidal text messages… and I just about collapsed with grief. So I withdrew from the situation and called the police to come and handle it. They arrested him and he went to jail.
Then he got out and I was so afraid of what he'd do! He was very humble, though, and apologized. He thanked me for having him arrested. He got a job with a Christian man and laid open his life to that man, asked the man to mentor him, and ever since he's been extremely humble. He cries when he thinks of the monster he was while drinking.
So that's what I've been watching and learning lately….
I don't want to judge the wealthy Christians. I don't want to judge the homeless. I don't want to judge anyone, not even myself.
Note from the future: One of my greatest sins of all time has been 'judgment' – I judged everyone, in my own thoughts. Too bossy, too fat, too this, too that. I took me a long time to discipline my mind, but even then, it wasn't until I walked in the shoes of the homeless, the marginal, the misfit, that I truly lost all sense of superiority. I weep as I type this, for I'm so sad that it took me decades to lose my pride! I'm grateful for these tough tests, these trials that melted my cold heart!
I'm not writing this to weigh anyone down that may be reading this…. I'm writing this to stay sane. To help find an outlet for the pain to wash out. To try and make sense of all that's happened in the past 18-months. Lost at sea… a sea of grief… looking for land, hoping for a nice place to land.
Writing is the only thing that seems to help… that and reading/praying the Psalms!
Ps 66 "Didn't he set us on the road to life? Didn't he keeps us out of the ditch? He trained us first, passed us like silver through refining fires, brought us into hardscrabble country, pushed us to our very limit, road-tested us inside and out, took us to hell and back; finally he brought us to this well-watered place…. All believers, come here and listen, let me tell you what God did for me…"
Ps 62 "Everything I need comes from him… Strength comes straight from God."
Ps 56 "Take my side, God – I'm getting kicked around, stomped on every day… They don't let up – they smear my reputation and huddle to plot my collapse… You've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book… I'm fearless now, I trust in God, what can mere mortals do to me?"
Note from the future: Perhaps the hidden plan behind all the pain is to produce field-tested champions of faith – avengers, tried and true.
As I unloaded in the post written above…. the stormy seas quieted and the SON began to SHINE in my heart. Suddenly the atmosphere cleared and my compass began working. I have been silent too long. There are volumes of words inside me that just need to my pen to put to paper.
God is so faithful. I'm grateful… so thankful for a safe place like this to try and express the most broken places of the heart… the uncharted places so many people have never been before and do not understand.
I'm beginning to see First Light.
Note from the future: So now you know why I created Team Family Online, to be a beautiful, safe place where you can share your story, be raw, be real, and have a safe place to land. Although the forum I originally posted in is gone, I'm glad to host a place in this sacred space, so that you and I can chat.
Note from the future: I am supplying explanations and observations from the "future me" – who I am today – which will explain what you are hearing in this story. Join me below for an up to date discussion, if you wish!
With all my love,
Sue
Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate her way out of hell to a rich and satisfying life. In her lifetime, Susan has served in duties ranging from home school mom – to pastor – to full-time deliverance minister – and to Midwest regional prayer coordinator for a large international ministry. These days you can usually find Susan soaking in her favorite hot springs pool, reading a book (or several), blogging, baking bread, or hanging out with her family and friends. You can pre-order a free copy of Susan's upcoming book, "On the Way Home" by registering here.
Copyright 2014, Susan Schiller, http://TeamFamilyOnline.com. For reprint permission for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Sue, I think I am reading in backwards order. That's okay. I read the most beautiful one, filled with love and hope. Everyone wanted you and what a wonderful thing to be wanted. I know you were homeless, but your daughter's wanted you, your Mom, nieces, sister, granddaughter, son, and a new grandbaby! In the midst of being so alone, you still were so very loved. I know you understand where I am at. I truly wish I could have known you throughout this season. It might sound like the weirdest thing on earth to want to know someone during the most difficult season and in their brokenness, but I see beauty in people. You have been amazing to testify of God's hope through it all. I was oversees the entire time most of the horrors were happening to you. God was showing me something when I was completely out of my element also. I see that you are flawled, imperfect and I think that is what makes you even more endearing. You never try to hide it. We all are flawed and imperfect, but usually there is a cover up of sorts so that we aren't exposed, but not with you. We all have sat in the judgment seat of others, every last one of us. We are all liars if we say that we haven't. I believe this strenghtened what you already had, which was great empathy. You were brave, determined, possibly a little stubborn – but in a beneficial way. I know you needed to prove to yourself too that you could do this and that God would be your source of help and He was. Darkness is really dark. I remember watching the sunset from the ship and I thought to myself how everything has to go dark for the sun to rise again each morning. I watched the entire process of the sun dropping and dropping and it went through the clouds and was hidden, then it appeared again – only to drop completely out of sight. I watched this entire beautiful thing. I missed the sunrise though. I know the sunrise always happens, but sometimes we get used to the dark. The light always re-appears, but can we handle such light? Our lives sometimes seem like really elongated nights with a sun that set, but no sun to rise. It's such a false truth, but when you are in the midst of it – who can see clearly? There is a reason that God allows us to walk through the valley of the shadow of death. I know there is purpose in pain and suffering, but really… I just want every single want that you personally wrote about. You didn't really have a home, but you did have a home. I understand your words and maybe I am reading in between the lines. You had to grieve this on your own, the loss of everything that you thought was real and believe that God was going to answer. If only we could make the choice for our husbands. I once became so desperate about four years ago that I started calling campgrounds to see if I could sleep in my car just to have a safe place to go. I wasn't as brave as you though. I'm sorry that Christians, especially, are not nice to homeless people. It's really sad. I get chastised a lot for what I do when I see a homeless person. I will leave a nice restaurant and I'll give them my leftovers when they ask for them. It's food-warm, fresh and delicious. Why would I say no? When I was in Israel, I saw a homeless man in Jeruslalem just sitting on the sidewalk. He looked so frail. I thought I was doing a good thing by buying a pizza and soda, walking back over to him and just sitting with him to eat. I couldn't speak his language, but I thought the gesture would speak for itself. This poor man had no teeth and he showed me that he couldn't eat, but he took the drink. I felt so bad. I was trying to help and I wanted to connect to him. He smiled at me and so I guess we did connect and I took his hands and just held them. I really believe God develops our empathy and causes it to grow and mature, if we really ask to be like Him and love those who are rejected. As far as the minister… I just shake my head. There are peole who will stand up for truth at the cost of losing the very little that they had to begin with and that is a testimony in itself of how God is truly so very close to the poor. Exploitation… it seems to never end. People are exploited, children are exploited and good men are exploited at the hands of a "minister" again. God is faithful and God is good. I would tell my kids that all of the time knowing what was in store a few days later after giving my counsel. I always told them to trust God no matter what happened to them in this life. I wish this Momma could take her own advice at times. I'm so thankful for Team Family Online because God used it as a first step to answer my prayer and deep agonizing cries that left me in bed for months, never caring to see the light of day. In your imperfections, God is showing He is perfect. In your lack, He is showing you His provision. In your wants, He is showing you your needs that must be taken care of first. With those that lied about you, He will be your vindicator. I love you, dear friend. Sue, when we are in this war… not all of us make it out, but by the grace of God – it matters to watch someone make it out alive and be free. Not only free, but filled with hope, faith, trust in a Holy God that delighted in you so much that He himself delivered you. LOVE… He showed you His love and you have unequivocally known it and you give it back to others. Question? Above all else – Was there one belief, one truth, one promise, one verse, one character trait of God that got you through every single day no matter what happend to you? (Sorry so long. I tried to move it elsewhere, but it wouldn't allow me to copy it) So, delete if you need to. I know you will answer me.
Hi,
I was privileged to have so much love in my life, so many opportunities. I know many do not have that level of support. Part of me understood I came from "privilege" and wanted to know what God could do if I was truly destitute. You are right, God shows us things in a whole new light when we are out of our element!
Thanks for wanting to be friends, back then… it would have been welcome!
You have given your children good advice and a great role model. Sometimes our own advice is what we need the most, even if we forget it!
I have tried to love others with the love God's given me, but I sadly fail all too many times. I keep trying.
Your question…
There was not one single belief, truth, promise or character trait that got me through each day. It was a a series of all of those that I printed out and published into a book. It took me about 30-minutes to read the whole thing, which I recorded on MP3. I listened to it so many times. I added to it.
I realized I needed to have my mind renewed and my whole life transformed. I did this for years at a time, and that, truly, is what changed my circumstances. By faith, I learned I couldn't change the past but I could rewrite the future and create a better world!
Thus, my "Write to Freedom" eCourse. 🙂
I love your long comments and letters – I'll try to give you a call this week!
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