SHINE!
By: Susan Deborah Schiller
From the series, "Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife"
Introduction: I was once called "the most abused wife" my counselors had ever met. I was married to not one, but two sociopaths. The first marriage lasted 20 years; the second, nearly 10 years. Both of of my abusers are ministers. Friends have asked me to share the story of how God helped a preacher's wife escape to freedom. The escape route is recorded within 83 diary entries, and I am sharing one diary entry per day.. This is not a step-by-step blue print of how to escape a sociopath. But I will provide links within each diary, if you wish to receive specific information.
Trigger Alert: These diaries are the raw, uncensored heart cry of a woman ravaged by rabid religious beasts who is ministered to by her friends. She finds love, acceptance, and begins to reinvent her life. By the end of the story, she has turned from a timid mouse into a roaring lioness. If God can do this for me, He can definitely do it for YOU!
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October 21, 2011
You asked what my "Promised Land" looks like… that is a great question for all of us in this forum. We need to picture where we are going. We need a purpose – a why.
For me, all I've ever wanted was to be a wife and a mom. Marriage and family are my 'why' … building a home that honors God.
Ideally, it's a refuge, a safe haven, for all… even strangers who enter our home for a day, a week, or a year. I believe in a couple/family working a business together, if at all possible, and using that business as their "marketplace ministry" – or simply a place to SHINE the love of God through our ordinary every day lives.
In this vision, I also have a studio where I write… beginning with my own story of 'leaving Egypt'.
My granddaughter helped me to put words to my dream, recorded here, in a simple song God sang through her, from her heart. The Promised Land, looks to me, like her song… you wake up in the morning and you praise God for all the life, beauty, and truth you see around you. You say a little prayer for someone. And then you do something for something. You meditate on God all day long and He places opportunities to love in front of you.
Financial freedom is part of that picture… it's not about the amount of money, but about the amount of time and resources that money allows each family member to pursue their dreams.
I am working a 'job' right now to pay the bills. I gave up 3 jobs and a successful business to follow R to where he wanted to go (hazmat, caretaker during his illness, and full-time ministry on the road). So I'm starting out from behind… it's very scary.
I haven't asked for government assistance, although I'm sure I qualify. I'm afraid of the mindset that entails…
I want to see myself as I truly am: God's royal daughter.
It's HIS job to provide for me! I may be wrong on that… but like you mention on your thread, I just don't feel at peace about asking for gov't help.
I am going to blossom, despite emerging from broken. I'm starting a business and also returning to school in January, to help me with that business. God put a desire in my heart to write… online. And to record the life stories of ordinary people… like "books of remembrance".
The core of God's heart, I believe, is the family…. it's the backbone of society. And my deepest desire is to know God's heart, to the very core.
As we each write our life stories, or these "books of remembrance" it strengthens our families, builds hope, creates praise and worship of our Creator.
My true identity and declaration of faith: I am a royal child living in the blessing and favor of God. I eagerly obey God's Word, not just knowing it and memorizing it like I used to, but actually DOING it. I write life stories and help people see the beauty in their own ordinary and sometimes dysfunctional lives. My income is such that I live on 50% and give away 50% while traveling to spend quality time with my family. I'm dead to this world and alive with God, living heaven on earth. I am able to host people who need to stay in my home for awhile, or close by… who need a safe place.
I want to marry a mature man one day… not because I 'need' a man, as I have felt in the past… but because it's part of my vision/destiny/purpose in life. If so, it will be a partnership with someone who has the same vision and the same passion. And it will be with someone who isn't asking that I give up my dreams to follow his.
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Princess Fiona: Dearest Kingsbride.
I read your post the other day. You have been on my heart a lot over the weekend. I was heartbroken to read what you wrote in all honesty. But inspired by your honesty and courage to still be "putting yourself out there". How brave to still be dreaming your dreams. I honestly don't think I could do that.
I truly hope, from the bottom of my heart that your picture, of a husband, a home to bless others, and a safe place for family, and a studio to write, and prosperous business, and a ministry, will come to pass. I stand by you in faith today, as you wrote, and declare it to be so. Our God will give you the desires of your heart, He Himself put them there.
What a privilege and honour to share these deep places in you, dear sister. Sacred places really. How brave of you to not give up.
Actually, now I come to think of it, that's the thing that shines out about you the most, throughout all your story, your tenacity, such a Jacob spirit. Bless you, bless you, bless you.
I think a lot of us women here, can look back on our lives, and see the passion, determination, and energies we've put into others, most of all our husbands. This, I am beginning to see, is our arrestedness, our place where we need to heal. If only we could apply those things to our own lives, our own dreams, with as much discipline and zeal. It looks so easy on paper, in black and white, but in many ways, it's the hardest thing for us to do. We think somehow, or at least I do, that it's not christian, not wifely, not motherly, not being a good friend. I dunno.
I hope you paint your vision on a wall, and pursue it with a single-mindedness. I know God has big plans for you, and big blessings too. My promised land? Same as yours. Probably same as the majority of women on earth. Home and family. Anything else is just a bonus.
Best love, am praying for you. ((((HUG))))
Note from the future: I am supplying explanations and observations from the "future me" – who I am today – which will explain what you are hearing in this story. Join me below for an up to date discussion, if you wish!
My Full Story What I Believe Contact Me
With all my love,
Sue
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