Will the Pain Ever End?
By: Susan Deborah Schiller
From the series, "Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife"
Introduction: I was once called "the most abused wife" my counselors had ever met. I was married to not one, but two sociopaths. The first marriage lasted 20 years; the second, nearly 10 years. Both of of my abusers are ministers. Friends have asked me to share the story of how God helped a preacher's wife escape to freedom. The escape route is recorded within 83 diary entries, and I am sharing one diary entry per day.. This is not a step-by-step blue print of how to escape a sociopath. But I will provide links within each diary, if you wish to receive specific information.
Trigger Alert: These diaries are the raw, uncensored heart cry of a woman ravaged by rabid religious beasts who is ministered to by her friends. She finds love, acceptance, and begins to reinvent her life. By the end of the story, she has turned from a timid mouse into a roaring lioness. If God can do this for me, He can definitely do it for YOU!
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You all keep affirming that "Daddy takes care of His daughters" and this has been proving true in my life over and over and over…
Today I was on my way from Wyoming to Montana because we're closing our house in Montana and I wanted to pack everything to prepare for the move. I called R because the truck's transmission was having problems and to see where he wanted me to put his things (he's been in Chicago since last February).
Verbal abuse causes physical agony.
He told me we are "officially separated" and began a nonstop verbal assault. I didn't defend myself and didn't fight back. I probably should have taken care of the transmission issue myself and it wouldn't have happened like this. I had to turn around and go back to the hotel; the truck wasn't in shape for a trip. R called several times on my way home (50-miles) to make sure I was not headed back to Montana…
He was afraid I was going to take his things! And then a call came in while he was yelling at me and it made him angrier still… first he accused me of having a romance… and then he accused me of talking to an attorney… and he wouldn't believe me when I firmly denied both accusations. It got a lot worse… repetitive accusations…. just irrational.
It felt like a bomb exploded in my mid-section.
Physical pain as well as emotional. I walked into my hotel room and was hit with a wave of peace, it felt like an oasis. Then the hotel owner, also a pastor, knocked on my door to find out if I had a problem because he knew I was supposed to be gone for a few days and was suddenly back… I explained about the truck and asked him if there was a good mechanic in town… and he told me the guy who works in the motel is the best mechanic there is… and he was right there!
Learning to laugh, even in the face of fresh fire.
Well, my face was red and teary… so he knew I was in some kind of mess, and I asked, "Do you know any good jokes?" So he began telling me jokes and making me laugh… and in the meantime, the mechanic was looking at my engine and discovered the problem… someone had overfilled the transmission fluid by over three quarts… but he knows how to fix it… and the fluid was red and not brown, which means the transmission is still good. The hotel owner has a shop, so the hotel worker is going to fix my truck at the owner's shop…
And on top of that, the hotel owner offered me a job a couple weeks ago (night watch) that includes free rent.
Note from the future: The mechanic was appalled at the condition of my truck. My husband was an expert mechanic, so when he assured me the old Dodge was in good condition and he knew I was going over two mountain passes, I trusted him. The mechanic's exact words to me were, "I talked to the city mechanics that I work with and they all agreed that if they had given their wives a truck in that condition people would have thought we were trying to kill her." He went on to tell me that the emergency brake cable had been severed and carefully put up to look like it was okay. There were only a few drops of brake fluid and it was nearly impossible to stop the truck unless you held onto the seat with both hands and put both feet on the brake as hard as you could. The transmission over-fill should have killed the truck. There were a number of other problems exposed and repaired, over the course of several months. It took nearly all my savings to fix the truck.
Daddy takes care of his girls.
Daddy takes care of his girls…. the pain is subsiding… the enemy does not get to gloat while my heart bleeds out…. I will praise Him… Our Father is so amazing, so awesome….
But it still hurts so much…. but here in Wyoming I'm surrounded by loving friends, people who know me, who know I would never do what I've been accused of….. who love unconditionally, even if I had done those things, they would still love me and try to help, not blame and shame.
The pain – it's physical as well as emotional – has anyone experienced that? My first marriage and divorce seems like nothing compared to this…. maybe because of all the hardships R and I have endured together through his severe spinal cord injury. God help us all…. Jesus, come quickly…. we need YOU so much!
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Responses:
Chrysallis: Yes, I have driven around feeling like my entire body is on fire from pain. When I sleep, often I have a square of pain in my lung area. I sing the "Our Father " in my head all night. I ask for God to take away my pain. You are so right. It is harrowing.
Lifegiver: Hi KingsBride! Im so sorry that R was sooooo abusive to you on the phone…He is still very much an abuser and trying to stay in control of YOU!! And yes it is very painful! Physically, emotionally and mentally!! I had to go on Lexapro and unfortunately am still on it over a year later. I want to come off, but just not ready. I will soon though! For me the physical was mostly exhaustion…Tired all the time, no energy, no ambition, though I had to pick myself up and work, take care of our house, I never cut the grass before and learned how, and took care of my then, 5yr old grand dtr who lived most of the time with me…After a few months I became more assured, confident that what I was doing was the correct thing and so eventually I did start to regain my strength…
You are so precious and we only want the best for you, as God does. Keep your head up high!!
In His Love,
life giver
Note from the future: I am supplying explanations and observations from the "future me" – who I am today – which will explain what you are hearing in this story. Join me below for an up to date discussion, if you wish!
With all my love,
Sue
Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate her way out of hell to a rich and satisfying life. In her lifetime, Susan has served in duties ranging from home school mom – to pastor – to full-time deliverance minister – and to Midwest regional prayer coordinator for a large international ministry. These days you can usually find Susan soaking in her favorite hot springs pool, reading a book (or several), blogging, baking bread, or hanging out with her family and friends. You can pre-order a free copy of Susan's upcoming book, "On the Way Home" by registering here.
Copyright 2014, Susan Schiller, http://TeamFamilyOnline.com. For reprint permission for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller.
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Note from the future…
The pain does end, but in my story, it first got even worse…
The enemy can use anyone – and he took that pastor / hotel owner and I found myself "protected" by a predator who used God's name and words to trick me into thinking I was safe.
Still, God has turned this around for Good. He always does. This pastor's primary message is about Love. He preaches with passion and excellence. But he lies. It was truly confusing for quite a long while.
But God sent true people, and they weren't people I normally would have picked… and He kept me safe – always…. even when I was living in the corner of a hayfield.
It's amazing how Daddy takes care of His girls… and makes us stronger as He does. One story I wrote during this time period is "Voice of the Moon Flower".
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