Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife – "The Disposable Wife"
By: Susan Deborah Schiller
From the series, "Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife"
Introduction: I was once called "the most abused wife" my counselors had ever met. I was married to not one, but two sociopaths. The first marriage lasted 20 years; the second, nearly 10 years. Both of of my abusers are ministers. Friends have asked me to share the story of how God helped a preacher's wife escape to freedom. The escape route is recorded within 83 diary entries, and I am sharing one diary entry per day.. This is not a step-by-step blue print of how to escape a sociopath. But I will provide links within each diary, if you wish to receive specific information.
Trigger Alert: These diaries are the raw, uncensored heart cry of a woman ravaged by rabid religious beasts who is ministered to by her friends. She finds love, acceptance, and begins to reinvent her life. By the end of the story, she has turned from a timid mouse into a roaring lioness. If God can do this for me, He can definitely do it for YOU!
***************************************************
April 6, 2011
It seems hard to believe that my first post in this forum was titled, "Honeymoon after Intensive" … as all hell has broken out this past year. My husband left a couple months ago to pursue full-time ministry on the road. At first he rarely called me, but yesterday he called 3x, each time asking for detailed information on what I'm doing every hour of the day.
He accuses me of adultery regularly, although it's the last thing he would ever find me guilty of. He suspects me of every possible wrongdoing and questions me diligently to find a crack through which he can legitimately accuse me.
He told me, "I'm not going to divorce you. I just want to watch you suffer." He later denied saying this, but it was indelibly engraved on my heart at the time he said it. His actions prove the words were real.
He tells me, "I'm watching you." I asked for clarification. He responded that he needed to see me change. When I asked for more clarification, he said he needed me to retract all the "lies" I've spoken to our marriage counseling team, on this forum, and to my trusted friends and counselors.
A friend of ours chatted with me recently and mentioned that my husband initiated an intimate conversation with her, asking to be an intimate friend with her…. she told me that she let him know she was not available. So I now know he is opening himself to at least one woman, not that anything beyond that has happened.
Because he moved out and has no immediate plans to return to living with me, I have also moved out, to be closer to my daughter and granddaughter. I've been on my own for the past 4 days and it really feels wonderful! I've been praying and worshiping, continuing my schooling, and it looks like the owner of the hotel I'm staying at is going to allow me to be the nightwatch manager which entitles me to an apartment. I have not yet shared this with my husband, as it's not finalized.
There are days when the pain is so great that I can hardly breathe. I cry what seems to be gallons of tears, now that I'm finally alone and able to release the pent up volcano of emotion.
I begin to dance and lately even to sing. I pray the Word, especially the Psalms… and Isaiah. I recall His promises to me, personally. I'm journaling again. It feels so good to know my husband is not watching over my shoulder.
It used to be he would not allow me to pray or read my Bible without interrupting me… usually within the 1st 10 minutes.
He wants to always know what I'm praying, what God is saying to me… not to participate in worship and prayer with me, but to get inside my head to control me.
I am reading, at Dr. Michele Flemming's recommendation, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans and it OPENED MY EYES big time!
What helped the most was learning that my husband and I really do live in two different worlds. At one time, my husband told me we worshiped different gods!!! Now, for a couple who were in ministry together, that's not a good thing.
Learning my husband lives in "Reality 1" – or a competitive, one-upmanship world has helped me to understand why our communication has always broken down. and discovering that while I live in "Reality 2" – a world of love and mutual support, my self-esteem has been way too low, so I've been on the fence between the two worlds. I have given validity to my husband's reality by not enforcing a good boundary.
Patricia Evans gives great solutions for how to keep boundaries, and she says that within 1-2 months you will know if your marriage is going to work or not.
It feels like my husband is considering dissolution… he keeps asking me when the divorce papers will arrive. I have not taken steps to dissolve our marriage, because my mom and I recognize this as a trap.
I want, with all of my heart, to help be part of his restoration and the restoration of our marriage, but I know what he wants… he wants me to divorce him. It lets him off the hook.
Patricia Evans, in "The Verbally Abusive Relationship," says that most abusive spouses are "Mr. Nice Guys" to everyone else, even to close family members. That's what makes this so hideous, I feel, because it traps the wife in a prison of deep emotional pain.
But then, that is where the healing begins…. otherwise the pain never stops. So we choose increased pain, like going in for surgery, in order to remove the source of the pain, the enemy's control and intimidation. I have so much to learn…. and I'm so sorry I didn't know as much as I've learned this past year long ago, almost 30 years ago when I first married. And the churches who support the abuser and help to chain the captives… it's so upside down!
Perhaps I haven't been courageous enough… there was so little time in between hits that my recovery rate was getting slower. But I'm in a good place now…. he's in Chicago and I'm in Wyoming. I'm near my daughter and granddaughter and I have godly friends who know me, understand, and support me.
Ever since R left the spiritual atmosphere has lightened and I can hear God's voice so much more clearly!
I feel like I have the strength, now, to hold him to the line, enforcing healthy boundaries, in love.
Note from the future: I am supplying explanations and observations from the "future me" – who I am today – which will explain what you are hearing in this story. Join me below for an up to date discussion, if you wish!
With all my love,
Sue
Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate her way out of hell to a rich and satisfying life. In her lifetime, Susan has served in duties ranging from home school mom – to pastor – to full-time deliverance minister – and to Midwest regional prayer coordinator for a large international ministry. These days you can usually find Susan soaking in her favorite hot springs pool, reading a book (or several), blogging, baking bread, or hanging out with her family and friends. You can pre-order a free copy of Susan's upcoming book, "On the Way Home" by registering here.
Copyright 2014, Susan Schiller, http://TeamFamilyOnline.com. For reprint permission for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller.
{ 0 comments… add one now }
{ 2 trackbacks }