Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife – "Leaving – On the Road Again"
By: Susan Deborah Schiller
From the series, "Diary of a Battered Preacher's Wife"
Introduction: I was once called "the most abused wife" my counselors had ever met. I was married to not one, but two sociopaths. The first marriage lasted 20 years; the second, nearly 10 years. Both of of my abusers are ministers. Friends have asked me to share the story of how God helped a preacher's wife escape to freedom. The escape route is recorded within 83 diary entries, and I am sharing one diary entry per day.. This is not a step-by-step blue print of how to escape a sociopath. But I will provide links within each diary, if you wish to receive specific information.
Trigger Alert: These diaries are the raw, uncensored heart cry of a woman ravaged by rabid religious beasts who is ministered to by her friends. She finds love, acceptance, and begins to reinvent her life. By the end of the story, she has turned from a timid mouse into a roaring lioness. If God can do this for me, He can definitely do it for YOU!
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November 3, 2010
I can barely write this… R came home. He said something about me that is so not me, so not true… and now he wants our mail sent to his mother's house. He went to a counselor while he was away out of state, and now he wants all the "slanderous letters" he says I've written to other people (about our marriage, from my perspective) to be sent to this counselor for her examination. He says he's going away to get healed from all the pain I've caused him…. a healing week with the inner healing and deliverance ministry.
His voice is back to condescending and in the middle of a 'conversation' today he got up and left, slamming the door on me. I don't know if I can take this. These people he's talking to are pouring something into him that is feeding him malice toward me.
He's been away since last Friday, and he left all of the sudden, without any notice, so I haven't had a vehicle to get groceries… I asked him if I could use his truck now that he's home and he said no. He told me he would get me a car…. and then he told me all our mail is to go to his mother's house (our PO box out of state that she has a key to).
This is stepping on, or resurrecting some pain from the past, as my ex-husband for many years kept all of our financial records at his mother's house. This one thing I can say … I have never taken a penny from my ex-husband that I did not beg him for. And i have never taken any funds for myself from R. I have no separate bank account and nothing that I can call my own. There is no reason not to trust me. I don't understand… he is saying he loves me. I believe he's telling the truth…
I don't know that I can keep all this pain inside… The man who came home from out of state is ready and prepared for something legal… he's gathering papers to use against me. The reason I say that is because that is what's coming from his mouth. He tells me I'm gathering evidence against him, so now he's doing it against me.
Someone is feeding him something that is so untrue. I'm not preparing for divorce. I'm here getting marriage counseling to save our marriage!
I opened myself up to Hope… but it's the church leaders that are hurting us!
I can't hold this pain anymore. The hope tasted and felt so good. I thought we were going to work on this marriage together.
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Response (Please note this advice is for a marriage that is marked by sociopathic abuse. Counseling for this type of marriage is quite different than for a non-pathological relationship):
Joel: This is where you have to become the warrior woman. Stop letting him go out of town. You tell him "NO" – you are not letting him get mail forwarded to the out-of-state PO Box.
You have to WIN these battles. Period. It is time to put the war clothes on. Stand in that circle and decide that you are NOT going to be moved. You will FIGHT and you will WIN.
Don't ever "ask" him if you can use "his" truck. It is not "his" truck. It is YOURS and his together.
Sister.. you have to stand and fight and not be moved. Put your foot in the circle – the dragon is attacking and you, the warrior woman, are not going to lose.
You have to WIN these battles over and over and over until he is defeated. His defeat means he WINS. HE WINS and YOU WIN.. but only if it seems like he loses now and it seems like you alone win.
For HIM to WIN, You MUST DEFEAT him in every one of these skirmishes.
Kingsbride? It is time for WAR. YOU MUST WIN. And no, you don't "win by losing" as Christian women have been told for years. You win by DEFEATING him.. SOUNDLY defeating him… over and over until he is transformed.
One day at a time. One battle at a time.
Note from the future: The submission teaching most churches present over and over to women, generation after generation, empowers an abuser. A victim of sociopathic abuse is dealing not with an ordinary man, but with a demonically oppressed individual, whose intent is to steal, kill, and destroy her and the children. This demon must be fought first, before normal counseling can proceed. This is the real battle. To onlookers, as the church leaders in my experience, it will appear unfair, unrealistic, and even abusive as the victim begins to take control over the situation. Unwittingly, the aid the abuser by taking his side. In our case, they aided him into divorce court and sabotaged our marriage counseling…. all without ever talking to me, to gain my perspective.
Note from the future: I am supplying explanations and observations from the "future me" – who I am today – which will explain what you are hearing in this story. Join me below for an up to date discussion, if you wish!
With all my love,
Sue
Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate her way out of hell to a rich and satisfying life. In her lifetime, Susan has served in duties ranging from home school mom – to pastor – to full-time deliverance minister – and to Midwest regional prayer coordinator for a large international ministry. These days you can usually find Susan soaking in her favorite hot springs pool, reading a book (or several), blogging, baking bread, or hanging out with her family and friends. You can pre-order a free copy of Susan's upcoming book, "On the Way Home" by registering here.
Copyright 2014, Susan Schiller, http://TeamFamilyOnline.com. For reprint permission for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller.
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