Contact Me
I’d love to hear from you!
Share your stories, ask questions… let’s connect!
Email. Click here to Email me. This is a confidential way to talk. I try to answer all emails, but the reality is that I receive far more than I have time in the day to respond to, so the following work much better:
Comments. The people that I invest my time with are those who have read through my website and demonstrate that by commenting (anonymously is okay, or using a fictitious name) they are a real person and not a spammer. I try to respond to as many comments as I can within 24-48 hours. Comments are best, because your question, your story, or your thoughts and feelings may be just what another survivor needs to hear and comments are displayed publicly. You may use your first name, a fictitious name, or “anonymous” in the name and your email address remains private, only seen by me.
Phone calls. I get many requests for phone consultations, and I rarely say yes. I know many of you are in a desperate place right now, but the purpose of this site is simply to tell my story and to share the hope that you, too, can be free. I am not a counselor, therapist, or expert in any system of this world. I have found all of the usual means of support to be ineffective in dealing with true evil.
Please remember, I am not all that important to you. It’s Holy Spirit who is your lifeline, comforter, and teacher. I’m here to share the journey with you, but not to advise or counsel. I hope you will see in my stories that is the Path I took, to gain my own freedom. And as you will discover, that doesn’t mean I got rid of the sociopaths – they are still lurking about. But as in Psalm 23, the Lord sets a banqueting table before me IN THE PRESENCE OF MY ENEMIES, and he anoints my head with oil. My cup overflows.
He has taught me to rule in the midst of my enemies and to grin in the face of disaster. That doesn’t mean I don’t flounder or get stuck anymore, but I’m quicker to get back up and on the path toward the Light (Truth and Love).
That being said, I hope to hear from you! I look forward to hearing your stories. Nothing is too messy. Nothing is too horrible. I’ve heard it all, believe me! My favorite thing to do is to pray for you, and I come from a Christian perspective. But most New Agers, Buddists, Indians, and Atheists feel comfortable with me, as I do with them. We are all connected. We are all one. What I believe is written here.
And because we are one, your story matters and your freedom is incredibly important!
{ 59 comments… read them below or add one }
I am so grateful for finding this page and just wanted to thank you for sharing. I am a fellow warrior trying to find closure. It's difficult for me as I have a traumatic brain injury and trying to absorb all of this. Thank you and God bless xo
I’m glad you found a measure of comfort in companionship, Pamela… thank you for connecting. Try not to absorb too much, I think… all of this is very damaging to our DNA.
I hope you are safe and far away from the evil … xxx000xxx
I'm at a crossroads of sorts right now. I feel God may be working in my life to lead me to you and other individuals recently. I've been dealing with a truly evil person who makes fun of the fact that my mother and sister are dead. She also ridicules my looks and scars. That among several other bad events. I'm hoping that I find guidance or a message or something. I've even considered taking spiritual "baths" to bring better luck and protection. What are your thoughts?? Thank you!!
A person who is “truly evil” as you describe is a toxic dump that creates havoc in every part of your life, including your mind and body. I’ve never heard of spiritual baths before but I’m familiar with spiritual cleansing which sounds similar…. and yes, a good cleanse and continued cleanses are absolutely a part of the recovery process, I believe!
Hello,
I found your website searching for information on the Internet to help me learn was of identity sociopathic behavior and I am interested in learning how to recognize behavior's in person who is, here is the thing, I started on my journey with my relationship with God over seven years ago, but about Ten years ago I met and dated my now fiancé, back then I did not think we would be engaged many years later, and at that time we both were drug users who self medicated instead of get help with our mental disorders, we lost contact shortly after dating and did not see each other until ten years later. One thing that has not changed with us even through time is that we a best friends and our love is even stronger. I have been stable on my medication for the past seven years. I have list weight and my health is better than ever, I have an amazing new career, and I am a college student, To God Be The Glory, My fiancé is currently in jail, he is in a program getting help for his addiction and mental disorder and he has just began his relationship with God, he saidid he admires the changes God has made in my life, So I said all of this to introduce myself and my situation to you; I found a lot of helpful insightful information on your site and I have subscribed to your site, my only concern with my situation is what things to look for in an individual, to know they are being sincere and not doing things to manipulate just to get what they want? If you have any insight, please feel free to share. Thank you in advance for any of your time conce ring my situation
Im soo glad to have came across your blog its such a blessing thank you…
I'm twenty-seven years of age and I'm going through the worse of all relationships I have ever been in.
I met my now ex boyfriend/fianće, on facebook april 2015 I know such an red flag. We messaged one another, for about a month on via facebook. before deciding to meet in a public place. He start off as the man of my dreams he was saved, loved Jesus, always wanted to pray, loved ministering to people , studying the word of God. He was polite to me, showered me with great affirmation, always gave me compliments, showered me with flowers every other day. He wanted me to meet his family. He wanted me to come to his church. He wanted to pray with me constantly…All of this within three months of meeting. And in the beginning I was a little apprehensive because five years prior to him I was in such a toxic relationship so my guards were up but his charm brought them down a little. Fast forward were dating for about six months now and I realize he's becoming so clingy. he always wanted to know what I was doing and who i was with and he would continuously to call and text me when I was out with family or friends after I stated I would be out. So that started to frustrate me because I was coming from a place where I'm not a clingy person at all and I like my space and I did understand in a relationship you have to compromise a times. But that was over bearing and i would express that to him but it would turn into an disagreement of me not being considerate of him feeling and etc. Also i noticed he always wanted to be in my presence and I would express to him that there are times when we cant hang out or we couldn't hang out pass a certain time because of our flesh( guarding ourselves) and etc but he still pushed the limits. So in November him and I ended up falling into fornication and literally I shut now mentally, emotionally, spiritually I had just came numb in a moment I had lost all respect for myself and him. So we proceeded to go on with the relationship after talking about our fall. Which wasn't a good because it really went down hill from there. Fast forward he has three mentors two men and one woman.. he would go to them tell them everything about our relationship and they would tell him I wasn't any good for him that I was a jezebel pretty much and was telling him to juggle me and other women and pick the best one. he would come back to me and express all of these things. also it was a young lady he use to be involved with a couple of years prior to meeting me but he stated she decided to talk to someone else.. but in the midst of him and I dating she wanted to give their "relationship" another try. So he come to me and says I met up with her at the park to express to her that he loved me and wanted to be with you. Then he goes on to tell me that his pastor told him he should get rid of me and be with her because she fits where he's going in life which is a "pastor".("so I told him well if he feel like she's the one go for it) and he got so pissed at me." And he stated after telling his pastor no he wanted to be with me that his pastor started treating him differently and was taking position away and suspending him .so after a month or two of just going through the motions thing were a little balanced soo I thought. He started popping up at my job dropping flowers off. after started I could have gotten fired because it's private housing. He would always want to see me, call me, or text me.. so the fornication didn't stop it would happen every now and than and each time afterwards I will feel myself going deeper into a slump. i would express that to him and that i thought we should part ways until we allowed God to work on our broken area's. He would always state that God could work on us together but deep down inside I was hurting..he couldnt understand that so I grew more frustrated with him because I felt like I didn't protect his purity and nor did he protect mine and I was grieving God. By this time I know we have a ungodly soultie… he would express to me how everyone has walked out of his life and hoW he has been done soo wrong in relationship. because I had been done horribly in relationship i feel like we connected on a level of hurt and not wholeness. So fast forward im attending a conference in ATL that i had planned way before he was a thought and was with two of my really close make friends and one other lady. He threw a fit and broke up with me while I was on the trip. He told me I was sleeping with them and i can go live a single life and etc. But we ended up back together and still dealing with hum going through my phone, always asking me was I talking to other men.he wanted me to cut all ties with all of my friends because he said they weren't good for me and how he cut all his friends off for our relationship..and how much he sacrifice for our relationship and how I don't understand or don't care I was just a mess. Mentally I was drained. one day I told him i had a meeting but the meeting was cancelled so I decided to go out with two of my male friends that are like brother to me literally. I didn't have a clue that he had followed me for almost two hours and called and broke up with me once again. I was just sooo confused ,thAt night he came to me house at midnight begging to talk to me and knocking on my window and i gave
in " I know stupid". So we so called got over that hump. So in March of he proposed to me in secret…i hid it from my friends because none of them liked him at all. But they found out and I ended up losing one of my really good friends she called me desprate and etc which didn't my situation any better instead of her praying for me she just belittle me. Him and I were still on Rocky grounds in April we went out the day before valentines day because we both had things to do with our churches. But that evening I went out to an church event with a couple of my friends for a relationship panel… He dropped flowers at my house at 3pm and broke up with me at 8pm through a letter because he started I was out with a guy..so I thought it was over by this time I'm tired of crying and trying to make him happy. One weeks passes and he pops up at my house apologizing and saying how he can't live without me and God said I'm his wife and blah blah and I told him I needed space and time even in that he would still find his way in asking if I needed help with things and etc before I know it were back in each others arms.. So now were in June and I just feel heavy I'm not myself I don't care about my appearance, I'm emotionally eating gaining weight, I'm not seeking after God at all, I'm just going from day to day getting by not living. So I told him I needed a break and he fuss with me and I would fuss with him and we would say poisonous things to one another because now God was soo absent in that situation. So then he blame me of sleeping with his friend and because him and I had a pregnancy scare he stated I was trying to pinned a baby on him when it was really his friends baby. And i have never met the guy he was speaking off so he broke up with me again a d this time I was wanted answers and was fed up so I met up with him at a park and after being there for about five minutes I wAnted to leave because he was trying to convince me that I slept with his friend but he wouldn't let me get in my car.. And out of frustration I did hit him and I'm not proud to say that all I'm just being honest he held he against my will for thirty minutes I got awAy after that.we didn't talk for about two weeks then I emailed him and apologize for hitting him out of shame and guilt… Which I should have left it alone because we connected again..so little after that he quit working for the church because he stated they continued to harass him about not being with the other young lady . The catch is he never told me he quit working for church until I figured it out which was odd to me. I also decoverd he was closet smoking black and milds only God knows what else he was doing. But me just being In a blah place I didn't care I just encouraged him to get another job. So now it's around june and he's seeking employment but he's contantly fibbing about minor things work, talking to other people, and I would confront him on it and he would become rageful..which he would tell me it's my fault he's in rage slowly he would start to call me stupid, insecure dumb, mean, and etc. So I broke up with him and literally he emailed me one week later stating he had liver problems. so me being this compassionate person I bowed to walk with him through the process. In the midst of it he was kicked out of the place he was staying at which was his grandmother home. his mother kicked him out after a week of living her… So pretty such he was homeless to I told him he could stay at my house for a month max. While at my house he explained to me his mother suffer from bipolarism and personality disorder and his father was physically and verbally abusive to him mother when they were married. And that was a totally red flag for me. That's when it clicked that this man is a product of his parents and he's crazy. So I explained to him that i would give him the room and I would sleep in the living room because I just didn't want to fornicate and I already felt bad for allowing him to stay with me.. He threw a for he said I was growing distant from him and was it becAuse i talking to other guy… I had to hide this from everyone.. he would come in the living every night and morning and he would get mad when I would tell him to go back in the room. One night I had worked a 12 shift I was extremely tired I had showered and was laying down heading to bed. He came in the living room and request that him and I pray. So I said you can pray because I'm exhausted and I grabbed his hand he pullef his hand away went off on me because I didn't sit up called me all kinds of names and stormed out of the house to smoke and came back and was still going off on me.. the next morning he said he felt disrespected and I don't care about prayer so he got his things and I thought he was done so I shut the front door so I could take a shower for work. the next thing I know my front door is broken down. And he's approaching me at the bathroom door pushing my head and pushing me into the tub and telling me how much he hate me and how I broke his heart and ruined his life and ministry and how everyone was right about me. And in the midst of it I stayed com because I felt like he would hAve probably really hurt me tHat day. so a couple of dAys passes he brings up his lover situation I go the the appointment with they clear him of his issues which I honestly think was false but whatever so at the time were done he clam we can be cool but I'm like noo I saw a side of you I didn't like…so one day he calls me about something he left at my house so I tell him I'm not home I'm out washing never told him where I was…so thirty minutes later he comes to the laundry mat and smashed my phone into piece on the ground and stated I have been cheating on him the whole time and just leaves after telling me how I'm just a horrible person. Fast forward I was done I was whipped out mentally, physically, spiritually emotionally so I sent him and email the next morning telling him how sorry i was about everything I had ever done to him and how I believe our relationship has became very toxic and unpleasing to god and I believe it's best that we go our separate ways. literally he called me 24 times back to back I didn't answer he came to my house slashed all four of my tires, carved hoe on the hood of my car, busted out my bedroom Windows. I called the cops the only thing they did was home and write down the report and put a warrant out for his arrest.Also after he turned himself in they called to tell me he had been served with a court order restraining order and stated to me that my ex seems like an upstanding guy. And I asked them if he's soo upstanding why are you guys serving him and restaining order. And they laughed as if it was a joke I was scared for my life while all this was going on which was on Aug. 7th I could go home for a couple of days because I was fearful of what he would do he was leaving voicemails cursing me out text messages. So on Aug 10th I went the police station to let them know he violated the restaining order. Literally I pulled up to my house to get more clothes. My ex had parked two blocks away and was waiting for me. I was coming out side to talk to my neighbor he was asking me about my broken window. Be hold I see my ex at the corner of my street on feet coming way. Out of fear I jumped in my car panicking and followed him and called the police they told me to go back to my house they were sending someone. Behold my ex got into his car and started chasing me trying to hit me by the grace of God I didn't get into an excidents not hit anyone. but I was able to run into a cop who was aware of what was taking place then my ex proceeded to lead the cops on a twenty minute high speed chase. He's in jail now he goes to court on aug23 a day after his 27th and I'm still having nightmares of him coming after me and killing me.. ever time the da calls me my heart drops and I get a knot in my stomach. They asked me what I think they should do I said jail and mental help..but people think I'm being to light on him because I stated Vengance is the lords..its just I'm in a place of what will he do to me when he gets out I'm trying not too walk in fear but there are days I'm ok and others days im just crying non-stop because I cant believe this is my life at the moment and I can't rest until I know I'm safe….and I'm trying my hardest to stay strong because I'm not surrounded by a good support group everyone is just like get over it. But they don't understand the damage it has caused.. And apart of me feel guilty that he's in jail. He might come out with a felony which is probably going to make him come after me. I feel like i would have left a while ago we wouldn't be in the situation I'm just an scared emotional wreck while juggling work and everyday life, family, friendships and putting my im ok mask on and taking it off at night when I'm alone…please pray for me and email and advice you have for me during the stage… thanks
Jessica (I hope this isn’t your real name)….
I hope you are able to forgive yourself for falling for this beast and the beast-church he was employed with…. from what it sounds like you’ve met one of those types of people that are far less than human. You have compassion for broken people and your gift of mercy can lead you into trouble with these types – because they are twisted, not just broken, but evil.
His court date is tomorrow, so I pray for all darkness to be exposed by the Light of Jesus Christ.
I hope you can forgive yourself and start over with a clean slate, as to the sexual matters that have open the door to shame…. You were duped, Jessica…. it wasn’t your heart’s desire to do that. It’s not about “wrong or right” here – Just as this man trampled you down and held you against your will, he was manipulating your heart and using sex to make you do things against your will.
You recognize it’s a soul tie and there’s so much more you’re aware of. You are seeing the red flags now, even in the present, that he will be very angry at you for the position of exposure he’s in. A fine pastor he would have made!
As I see it, you’ve helped to rescue souls here – vulnerable women and children who he may have eventually molested, as he did to you.
I’m just a fellow survivor and not a counselor. Please take my words as such… friend to friend.
As to what you can do, practically, I would share your story with a domestic violence agency that is equipped in your local area to help you. Sharing your story is powerful. And because it’s in your community, you have a place to go for instant help, day or night, if/when he is released. Also, there is a paper trail, so if he were to try something, there is more chance he is caught.
I would make sure you have good protection – pepper spray or something of the like. And change your locks… all the things a DV agency can help you with.
An agency like that will be able to help you on the practical end of things. Spiritually, I know you’ve been to hell and there is defilement in being face-to-face with evil and living with it in your house. You may want to consider changing your residence or even moving to a different city, if you want greater peace of mind. It doesn’t mean he wouldn’t find you, but it maybe helps to put some distance between you?
I’m glad the pregnancy scare turned out for the best, because what a horror it would be to raise a child with him to help “father’. That would be a a lifetime of permanent connection to him, potentially. The grace of God is with you – you’re never alone.
Don’t be frightened, but be in control of your future. You get to become a totally new person as of today.
You get to decide how you want to handle this man, not anyone else. Too lenient?? It’s not anyone else’s call but yours!
To feel sorry for him? Perfectly normal… you are unhealthy right now. You’re sick because evil does that. It’s not a defect in you at all. Evil makes people sick.
But you’re going to be all right.
I can’t write a book here and I don’t have all the answers…. I just wanted to reach out and give you a hug. I thank you for sharing here. It will help someone else, I’m sure of that. And it will help you, too. Please share your story with a women’s agency to help domestic violence victims in your local area. Sharing your story can be the beginning of creating your new story!
xxx000xxx
Susan
Thank you, sooo much for responding and your encouraging words and taking the time out of you day… so he went to court hw pled gulity to everything and the judgr only gave him 90 days in jail, probation for 3 years, and mental health counseling, and reimbursement of my money for the vandelism.. but he only served two weeks he's out now… but I have moved with a friend until I can find a saved place.. I'm also seeking counseling because if i see a car that look like his I will go into a panic mode to the point I feel like my heart is going to stop because it's pounding so hard… also I'm having nightmares about him Every night and there extremely perverted and Dominic and he also attacking me…yikes but I believe I will get through this… but thank you again
He plead guilty*
I am glad you are safe and getting good support, Jessica!
I am sorry he only had to stay for 2 weeks – no wonder your heart is so anxious, knowing he’s back on the streets….
xxx000xxx
It's been 3 years since God removed me from the relationship and I am thankful I found your website shortly after that day. Just by chance I stumbled on to the website when it was "teamfamilyonline" and found the truth of what I was living. Every once in a while I return to read a little something new to assure myself this is the right path I am on now. Although health, family, and financial issues still plague me I am in a relationship with God I never thought was possible. I've learned to be grateful for the "lesson" my God allowed me to live through.
Even 3 years later I find that I slip back into the "if's" once in a while. (If I had prayed differently, if I had just….) Thank you for continuing your dedication to this site as I need a refresher course now and then. Many blessings have come to all of us because of your willingness to share the truth of thse toxic relationships.
God bless you, "Paula"
Oh Paula, I truly needed your words today!
Thank you for the depths of my soul 🙂
I’m grateful to walk this journey with people like you!
Could you message me? when you have time. Thank You!
Hi Tammy,
Could you please use the link at the top of the page to email me directly – thank you!
Could you contact me by e-mail? I have a similar story but don't want to get into too much detail in this forum. Married to a narcissist for nearly 3 decades, went through the divorce from hades (which exists on paper only)(still being tortured), and first "relationship" out fell for a psychopath who targeted me 100 miles away. My health is a mess. I am in the battle of my life. I pray all day long. I love the Lord Jesus Christ who has sustained me but I am one exhausted woman.
Done 🙂
Hi White Dove,
I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes because I accidentally came across your website and you literally saved my life by reminding me of the importance of God and that no matter what bad situation in in he is always there to protect me and that I should fear no one. I'm currently in a relationship with a narcissistic guy, we live together and have been engaged for a few months. Honestly I was at my breaking point with all his narcissistic rage outbursts and being a Christian something just hasn't been right with my soul for a while and now I realize why. I'm really trying to find help in ways to cope with the emotional strain it has been and it's because of you I realized that I need to take back my life and truly give it to God and be confident in the fact that he will help me find a way out of this and to not fear NO MAN. Thank you so much and I'm sure your a very busy person it's just good to know that there is someone out there who is willing to listen and help so even writing this comment is helping me. I know this road won't be easy and I may stumble and fall but I will keep growing my relationship with God and give it all up to him while I try to figure out how to get out this. Thank you soo much for even taking the time to read this. God bless
You’ve shared so well, Samantha… saying that even writing this comment helps. It does help to write, doesn’t it…. somehow it rolls the clouds of confusion away and the Light shines more brilliantly. I’m so grateful you have shared today, Samantha… and you have blessed me, as well – thank you, dear heart!
I want to thank you for sharing your story, and for all women's stories out there about this. I can honestly say that I am very sorry for what you went through. I have been through so much trauma in my life, and somehow seem to keep attracting abusers. I had abusive parents who killed themselves and then after that I began to seek God. I went to a church for about 5 years before the minister at that church went off the rail and began acting creepy and vile toward people in the audience, calling the church "his church" and not "God/Christ's church." He behaved creepily with me and my husband and I confronted him. After he lied to us we knew it was time to leave, so we left.
I wanted to make a connection with God so bad that I would turn into other church parking lots on Sunday morning only to get severe PTSD and then to just leave the lot without ever attending church. One Sunday my car broke down in front of a church. It was the last place I wanted to be. However I got to meet the minister and the secretary (because I needed help and it was in the middle of nowhere). So I began attending that church, but first I had a meeting with two of the pastors to ask them if I would be abused there. The main pastor said, "That shouldn't happen to you." I should have listened to his words. Any other good and decent pastor would have said, "that won't happen to you here."
I think this pastor was a psychopath who heard my story and then knew he could use me. He began by being very friendly with me, almost too friendly. He put my ideas on a pedastal, he'd call on me in class, he'd point me out. But something about it felt "off," to me. I should have listened to my gut feelings. He began to stare at me in very creepy almost sexualized ways and to make comments to me. During a party at church I felt eyes on the back of my head and looked to see him staring at me in that creepy way again, but this time, his wife, who was next to him looked over at him and then saw what he was looking at–me–and she shot me the most hurt look I'd ever seen on someone's face. I decided right then and there that something needed to be done about this. So the next time I had a chance I spoke (in front of everyone at the church during a bible study–and in front of the minister who was speaking) about the subject of love versus lust. I said that lust causes us to sin and hurt others while real love causes us to cast lust aside in favor of truly caring about others and ourselves and our relationships with God.
Shortly after all of that the minister gave a speech from the pulpit on Sunday about how he'd been "bad," but he loved his wife and would never leave her. He went on and on about her cooking etc… and I felt wonderful because I thought he had sincerely repented. He avoided me, he wouldn't look at me anymore, and honestly I thought "this is the best thing for his marriage, I'm so glad he's repentant."
However, fast forward a few months and a new young couple joined our church. We live kind of far out toward the country so it's rare for people to join our church. Sure enough, after a couple of weeks, I witnessed the same behavior he had toward me in the beginning toward the new wife/woman of the couple. Yes, more care than normal must be given to new couples in the church, but not "only" to the woman, nor to the degree this guy goes. I am uncertain of whether or not he's a narcissist, psychopath, under demonic influence, or just a man who falls astray. Maybe it's not for me to say, but the thing that angers me the most is the fact that when I came into the church I asked specifically if I would be "hurt" again there, and he callously said "that shouldn't happen." This guy has a problem and knows he has a problem (he admits, every 6 months to 2 years from the pulpit) that he has a "problem with women."
I have been praying about whether or not to stay in this place. I am sure his wife doesn't like me, and I know he doesn't like me for "outting" him, which I have done to his face with a couple of comments I have made recently, (not in front of anyone, but to him alone–they were anecdotes about predators in the pulpit, though I did not name him, rather, like Nathan with David, I gave him scenarios of predators in the church and noticed he was very nervous about the things I was saying to him.) but I don't know what to do about this situation.
I don't know if we should tell the elders or not, or confront him or not. It seems this behavior he gets away with on a regular basis. I know they will all just blame me and kick me out of the church–because all this kind of trauma has happened to me before. I dont' know what to do. But, sadly, I'm glad I'm not alone. I am being made to feel like it's my fault for feeling the way I do because I recently said at church, in a class, something about psychopaths and narcissists in the pulpit and the ministers wife actually said to me, "isn't it possible that what you've been through already colors how you see things now…" so I know they will "blame the victim." I'm also beginning to believe that's why he chose me–because he knew I'd been abused before and he could use that to his advantage to claim that, "it's all in my head already because of where I've come from."
You speak with time-proven wisdom, gained by your experience. I want to validate you in this experience – you are speaking “spot on” …
All of our experiences as survivors are generally the exact same patterns and sequences. Until the church wakes up, there is very little help for survivors of abuse within the church walls. In fact, the most damage is being done under the cover of religion. It doesn’t matter what “flavor” of church – it makes no difference if there is “accountability” measures in place.
The church is the perfect hunting ground for these types of predators today.
Survivors who speak up usually get cut down in short order.
You are right, they use your story against in in the exact ways you have mentioned here.
The best revenge is a well-lived life, I believe.
When God leads you, He will open the door for your story and/or warning. But if the door is open, I don’t advise trying to warn people – it can backfire against you and survivors end up so much more traumatized than the initial abuse. Be wise as serpents but innocent as doves. It’s the “wise as serpents” part that many survivors and church members, in general, are not familiar with .
You have the “wise as a serpent” thing down…. you have spoken truth here!
Thank you for sharing!
Wow- I have never met someone who went through similar trials I have. I have 4 boys, my ex husband told me he would fill a coffee can with cement and throw me over a bridge, he named the bridge. My eldest son ran upstairs as I calmly told him it will never happen. He bought a gun, the woman he was having an affair with shot and killed her husband point blank.
My mother had a car accident and since I was divorced, I took her in to care for her while going to nursing school and homeschooling the boys. I graduated top of the class and went straight in to the ICU. My mom insisted I made her a joint tenant otherwise she would not contribute to the household. Went thru many difficult times with my ex during marriage and divorce. He abandoned the kids after he realized the courts didn't believe his lies.
My mother stopped working and wanted me to sell house because she needed money. My youngest was 8. I have been falsely persecuted at work (not ICU) and became ill with an unknown nuerological illness, fevers, etc. My 18 year old is now also sick with similar symptoms. Have been to ucla, multiple diagnostics, discovered mold in house from multiple floods that came from ranch behind us. We have been out of house for 3 months, medical leave almost up, no diagnosis, no house (only mortgage) and soon no money.
This past year I have experienced a lot of rejection but somehow I believe that God is getting ready to move in a mighty way. I can't work yet so I pray, help my son and keep my spirits up. Will update you when my miracle manifests in my life. God Bless You!
Oh Claire, my heart is with you! There is a reason for all these trials. Just after you sent in this comment, another woman also clicked the send button with her own comment, on a different page. She writes:
“Thanks to everyone who has been telling their stories. I’ve only told bits and pieces of my own for fear of not being believed and for also fear of my life and that of my family’s. I was in the place recently in which I had become so overwhelmed with the tragedy (my son was removed from our home, my husband almost died on the 20th anniversary of my own near death, my home was broken into and I was rushed to the hospital with septic shock all within four weeks) and I completely became disoriented and forgot why these things happen. They happen because I am an avenger! They happen because I love Trurh more than comfort and yes, even more than life! Thank you for reminding me! I’m ok now. I’m not a victim. I’ve chosen this adventure as hard as it is because Truth and Life are better than lies and the shallow existence of pretense.”
Claire, this is one thing I’ve noticed: It’s the BEST people who are hit with these Job-like trials! You homeschooled, went to nursing school, and graduated at the top of your class…. DESPITE the enormity of your trials. It blows me away to think of the courage and strength it took to do that!
Those who are closest to God experience the greatest amount of rejection. I’m not surprised at your experience, although saddened, for I know how much it hurts. You SHINE so brightly and now I’m angry that the enemy has worked overtime to diminish you through this strange illness and the financial onslaught.
All I know, Claire, is that similar situations are happening all around the world – it’s like there is a team of people like you and me who have been hit with the worst trials one can imagine, repeatedly… and now, when we need rest, restoration, and recovery time, we’re being hit with the hugest wave of trials. I include myself in this.
Claire, I am in a similar situation right now. I’ve been soaking in God’s promises and resting in His love. That’s all I know to do. I bind myself to the truth and loose myself from every evil effect… yes. I make prophetic declarations and decrees, yep. I bless, forgive, and try to love myself and my enemies, too. And the onslaught still keeps sweeping in. It’s shaking out every remaining doubt, fear, and worry in the dark places of my heart – places I thought I had conquered.
This refining process is not easy…. most of us feel like it’s the end of us. But it’s not. The end is only the beginning. We’re pioneers in uncharted territory.
God bless you, Claire, and please feel free to write back anytime, or email me privately. And we will rejoice when your miracle manifests! And I pray right now for that miracle to manifest, for God’s FAVOR and blessing on His BELOVED daughter and her family to break through every enemy obstacle, to break every evil chain, and to expose the darkness all around Claire. Father, help Claire to see the MANY who are on her side and how puny the enemy really is.
We don’t underestimate evil’s advance but we do fix our eyes on our KING Jesus! Holy Spirit, please touch Claire’s body, her brain, and every neurological connection, right down to the root. Let your Light shine into every cell of her body, into the DNA of each cell. You are her portion forever. I pray Psalm 73 over her, that even though her body may fail, you are her portion forever. And that portion is enough. Just one touch of your Spirit is more than enough.
Let your blessings rain down on Claire….. a gentle rain, washing out the toxic effects of mold and anything else. Father, raise up an avenger for her!
Please come, Holy Spirit, and give Claire and her family everything she needs.
God bless you, Claire!
ps
I am a HUGE Graham Cooke fan in fact going to see him next week in LA !!! When I saw that in your blog about his family I knew God led me here!!
Hey Cynthia, I wish I could have been there in LA with you, listen to Graham!
Hi White Dove,
Wow. The Lord absolutely led me to your site tonight as I sit here in the stillness at 4 am once again praying for wisdom in what seems like a hopeless situation. A very long long story , as Im sure most are, however I think I am seeking the wisdom of counsel right now as it says in Proverbs.
My beautiful daughter at 31 married a handsome, rich and very charismatic young man 3 years ago. She was looking for a job after college and a friend recommended she interview with her boss. She was his nanny and watched over his two little boys as he was a newly divorced man and was extremely successful (so we thought). My friend had brought over the little guys a couple of times as they were the ages of my grandchildren so it was natural for them to come over while we visited. I had heard about how rich and successful this man was but never once thought he would maybe be my son in law one day. At any rate she graduated from one of the top Universities in the World and he wanted to interview nice looking women that were graduates from this particular college as there is quite a strong "alumni" presence in this area and networking with other alumni is a big plus in the business and financial world here. So through contact with my friend the nanny of this guy, she interviewed with him who was only 5 years older than her and divorced and the relationship was strictly business at first but within months he was asking her to marry him and it looked like a match made in heaven. Well as you know…it has come to our attention that it is in fact a marriage of deceit, lies, cheating and will be a marriage made in hell when our unsuspecting daughter finds out. They have only been married 3 years and she is already pregnant with their 3rd child. He is not only from a STRONG catholic background but a bloodline of The Knights of Malta, Jesuit order and the highest and most powerful demonic forces on earth. The demonic presence in him is beyond anything Ive ever experienced as a Christian. He has destroyed our family with lies, accusations and found out from his ex wife that he threated to kill her, crushed her skull, was addicted to strip bars and spent every last dime on them including $400 dollar bottles of wine every night maybe 2, 3,or 4 of them but doesn't own a home, never has and is millions of dollars in debt but his "malta" buddies and weathly father keep giving him candy money so he can look rich. Our daughter has now let him turn against us for NO reason other than I sent her a couple videos on the difference of theology in Catholics and Christians and how the Roman Church got started and why it is wrong to pray to Mary. She was raised in a Christian home but became a Catholic for him (good thing as when his ex-wife said she wanted to remain a baptist is when he threatened to kill her) I thought he was such a great guy until about a month ago when he started a smear campaign against my youngest sons girlfriend and insisted she not be a part of our family (thats not how we roll in our family). His family is ALWAYS wrapped up in drama and backstabbing and we think they are horrible people but alwasy thought he was innocent and now see that HE is really the worst. I guess what Im asking is for any advice. We have been praying every day for wisdom on how to handle this. He has refused to let us see our beautiful grandkids ages 1 and 2 who love and adore me. In fact when they are in my arms they will NOT go to him. My 2 year old granddaughter screams when he tries to take her out of my arms. My husband says thats why he's trying to destroy me because he is jealous that she already at 2 loves me more than him. She knows how evil he is because she sees him brutally abuse his older boys daily!! We have asked him not to do it in front of us as it breaks my heart how he terrorizes them but when we confronted him lovingly he blew up and wouldnt let us see the other babies for 2 months. Sooooo here we are and he is at it again. His ex says he hasnt filed taxes for over 10 years because he was involved in a lawsuit in another town that a man died in and two others went to jail but he fled. He has put our daughters name on a 9 million dollar office bulding claiming he did it for her but we know real estate and have been in the business for over 30 years and are certain that he will not be able to keep it rented and he is such a jerk that he has run off most of the tenants so it will be on our daughters shoulders. He has no credit and charges 1000's of dollars in expensive dinners, vacations, sporting events and I mean ridiculous like every night dinners of 2, to 5 thousand dollars and going to baseball games every week sitting behind the dug out to show off spending sometimes 4 and 5 thousand dollars PER GAME . We just want our daughter to be safe and want to see our grandchildren. He scared us so bad because he was tailing us and knew what and where we were so we went to the police a couple of weeks ago and they said go to the FBI so we did. Not sure what to do now but IF there is a way that he can be saved and repent that is of course our first choice but he is PURE EVIL and I believe sold his soul to the devil for money with the knights of malta group. I would ask that if you have any suggestions on how we may handle this to contact me. We are seeing a psychologist that we went to before when my husband and I had some problems and he also saw my daughter and son in law right before they got married because he kicked her out of his house 2 weeks before the wedding (that we spent $70k on because we thought his family was so high and mighty that they would want us too for their rich friends) but anyway they went ahead and did get married and we later found out that this Dr. actually knew he was a sociopath the first time he met him but couldnt say anything to us because of privacy laws. He is a smart Dr. but not a Christian. He sees NO HOPE for him or my daughter and says RUN don't walk and says my daughters life could be in danger that this type of guy could and would kill if exposed.But I know the power of God is mightier than anything and want to do what the Lord would have us do. I don't want to jump in and do someting that will make it work but he is spreading lies about us that are horrible and continues to abuse his kids and lie to his wife about where he goes at night when he is supposidly "working late". I guess holding meetings at Strip bars is the "Soprano" way they do things in the Italian Catholic fantasy world but doesnt seem real honest to lie to his wife.
I concur with the doctor’s advice, who advised you to RUN and that this man is incapable of change. I agree your daughter is in grave danger, first spiritually – her soul – but also her physical being. He could well arrange for her to “commit suicide” or to die accidentally in some way. Keep her your intentions hidden from this man, as much as possible.
Your grandchildren are in danger, as you already know. I hate that they share his DNA and honestly, the family courts are so hostile and unjust at this time that often abusive fathers are allowed not only visitation but custody. Smear campaigns, threats… it’s all very real. And with this level of evil, extremely dangerous.
I wish I could say more, instead of simply agreeing with the doctor’s good advice, but there are forces in this world as you describe… hideous behind their charming masks. You have the power of God, absolutely, and Truth will expose his lies. Love does win. But your daughter will have her own choices to make. Your prayers can save her but the time frame is in God’s hands and also her own free will.
I wish I could promise you there will be no suffering in these ordeal, but you already know it’s a horrible situation and very few understand. Document as much as you can. Keep a diary. I’m just a survivor, myself, and anything I tell you only comes from my own personal opinion.
Talk to the doctor again, if you can… it doesn’t matter he’s not a Christian. Evil works in predictable ways. You need as much help as you can get.
I’m so sorry for your deep hurt…. I feel so badly your daughter is in bed with the devil himself. Survivors of this type of abuse commonly tell each other, “We married the same man!” That’s because this demonic force works the same everything. The patterns are so clear. That’s why I’m glad you have this psychologist to help you!
There is a spiritual component that psychology sometimes omits… and that’s the power of God in YOU – the Spirit of Truth praying and breathing through your blood line. A praying Grandmother is a force unstoppable. This battle is most definitely on a level higher than most doctors are equipped to handle, but even so you will find the doctor’s help invaluable, if only to be a person you can talk it all out with.
Most of us need validation and emotional support, even if a person has no answers… we just need people on our side to pray and understand!
I believe your daughter can come out of this. A simple prayer is, “Let every bit of darkness be exposed by the LIGHT of God’s TRUTH!” And that’s a powerful prayer. I also pray for my enemies a short prayer, “God, give him what he needs.”
Don’t look for repentance or change from your son-in-law. That’s in God’s department but don’t allow him any grace, at this point. The level of evil could cause him to seem to repent, if it’s convenient in manipulating you somehow, but it is rarely real, backed up by action.
I wish I had better news that could offer you a greater amount of hope…
But the real hope is in YOU… Christ in YOU, the HOPE of GLORY…. never lose hope!
Your prayers are invaluable. And you’ll be armed with information when your daughter is ready to come out.
hi White Dove, my story is a bit different. Really need to tell my story, but dont want it displayed on your website for all to see.
Hi Wendy,
My best writing has always been in secret, between God and my own soul. It’s only years later that I’ve shared parts of my story. I encourage you to write in secret. Some people have an overwhelming desire to go public, and for those people I offer an opportunity to go public here, sharing their stories, but it’s not for everyone.
I have 105 writing prompts at https://loveyourstory.org/category/mini-memoir/. Some of them may trigger ideas or lead to ideas of your own. They are in no particular order. You may see in https://loveyourstory.org/the-kaleidoscope-effect/ that it’s in the writing itself that answers and resolution… and PEACE… arise. You may or may not feel compelled to write when you first begin. No words may form. Or there may be too many words – a cacaphony even – of clamoring thoughts.
You may start writing about one story, and then suddenly your writing switches gears and goes in a whole different direction. That’s an exciting time when your heart takes over! It’s all good, even the dry days when you just don’t know how to say what needs to be said.
Most of all, in writing your story you’re becoming more authentic… and I don’t have time or space here to go into it, but one day you’ll discover the pearl of great price – and the greatest treasure of all lives within you, your own whole soul, all put back together in the most beautiful mosaic – a masterpiece crafted in God’s hands.
Thanks for writing, Wendy! Thank you for sharing 🙂
I am dying inside and have self sabotaged myself. I gave birth to nine beautiful children and why do I still love my ex husband? The judge who actually was a judge for murder cases in Atlanta said that he was the worst socio path. But I feel like he has won/ I have never dealt with the pain, humiliation and guilt from our marriage. I had full custody for all of the children but I have failed miserably.
Dear Candi,
The pain, humiliation, and guilt that are now chasing down the self-sabotage trail are residual effects of a very long term massacre on every system in your body. I hope you will listen to Dr. Rhonda Freeman as she explains the neurological process of addiction to our ex’s, even though they are clear sociopaths. You can listen here.
You are heavily invested in your marriage and family. The family is real but the marriage never happened. You had a wedding and a license but never a true marriage. You had the DREAM, an illusion, of a marriage and that is what you are still wanting to hold and love. You clung to it for so long, believed in it relentlessly.
What do you mean, though, that you “had” full custody and that you feel like has won? Have you lost custody?
I hate the devastation that happens after a long-term pathological relationship. I hope you have the support of family and friends who understand this type of relationship. Normally, the sociopath has twisted and manipulated family members to support him and simultaneously slam the victim. I hope you have at least 2-3 solid people to support you.
You need intensive care, dear heart.
Please don’t hug the guilt or turn against yourself. Self-care and self-love are not indulgent luxuries but necessities. You are the BEAUTIFUL ONE – the one who opened her heart, her body, and her home to nine precious children! That is maternal love at its best. You know how to lay down your life for your family. You have given your all, from what I’m sensing.
You need people to remind you of your own beautiful soul, because believe me, these sociopaths use the court system to further abuse their prey. They use the following years of co-parenting to taunt and threaten their victims.
This is very close to satan himself attacking you. It’s a high level demonic force. It’s pure evil. For a judge to tell you he was the worst…. that says a lot. Your enemy is ruthless and relentless.
Dear heart, you need people who know how to pray without ceasing, because when you’ve been in this nightmare it’s really hard to pray. About all I could do was cry ABBA!
I printed out psalms and prayed them, especially 31.
I prayed those printed out prayers.
This is a time of separation (see https://loveyourstory.org/time-separation/) and its harvest time, the end of the age. You do want to separate yourself from this monster, beginning in your own mind.
It is going to get better, Candi. You will begin to breathe again. This is the worst part, where you really begin to face what happened and you look around you as you sit in the shards of shattered illusions and you take account of all that is lost.
But you will get back up. God will restore to you double for all that was lost. God will restore your children’s hearts, too.
The nightmare will give way to a new Dawn. He’s come to release the captives, dear heart. And he’s restoring the heart of the family. But first there is this time of separation, cleansing, and healing. And it hurts so bad you sometimes wonder if you will survive.
I’m here for you, as much as I can be, through my stories. I hope I can provide some measure of comfort and hope. I’m not a counselor or professional of any kind, just someone who’s been there and knows what these sociopaths are capable of. Validation is an important component to the healing process, just knowing that it’s not you who did wrong. You’re probably not a typical “battered wife” either – most likely, to have attracted to worst abuser, you are, on the contrary, an exceptionally loving, gifted, and talented woman with true grit.
I hope you will come back and let me know how you are doing whenever you wish. I am praying for God’s light and love to be your armor. I am praying Psalm 91 over you. And I also want to give a prayer that really helped me: https://loveyourstory.org/princess-warrior-prayer/4/.
I am asking God to send you warring angels to take you to the intensive care unit. Help is on the way!
I pray you feel washed by God’s presence and that your healing comes speedily.
All my love to you, Candi!
I came here looking for solace as I am going through custody battle with my ex. I have been victimized and broken not only by him but through the courts. I continue to fight and am in trial at this time. Smear campaign and past has been used by ex. I have refused to settle and will have my story told. During this time I have shut down and sadly have lost my faith at times. Through coming to this site it has brough me some comfort and restored my faith even though some days are really rough. Thank you for sharing your story and the others that are here. In my darkest times and when I feel like I am just going to crumble those scriptures help me to survive and come out and renew my strength
Custody battles are pure evil, and yes, the court system is just another arm your abuser uses to hity ou with evil. I really hate what is happening to you, Michelle.
I ask God to bring righteous settlement and justice. The evil must end now, is a prayer I’ve prayed recently, as I’m helping a family member go through the very same scenario you are describing. Where your heart has open wounds and heavy bleeding, I ask God to send you loving friends to bind up those wounds and to take care of you in every way.
My heart goes out to you, Michelle, and I send you love and light. I wish I could wipe it all away, but I do know Creator will do that very thing for you one day.
Hello there.
I need urgent help, i feel like i am going insane.. Am i really crazy? Sorry for long post and crappy english.
It has been 6 months sine my first-girlfriend left me.As i still loved her i searched to her hreat to see if she still loves me back but what i found it's disturbing.I now know that she left me for my "best-friend" from childhood which happens to be an sociopath,emotional manipulator…
I just found out recently that she is togheter with him. I suspected them a few months ago and confronted them.THey both denied it and told me they are just friends,even though my gut was telling me something is not right i did not listened to it(big mistake).I tried talking to her privately and expose his lies and deceit but she wouldn't believe me and she was defending him.It's like he is a saint in her eyes.The manipulation and deceit is too strong.He deceived/lied even myself whom i know him for 18 years.
I won't go further into details but one night when i was walking outside, i went to a place where i used to meet with her and i've found them making out.They did not saw me but i saw everything, how good she was treating him and the kisses…?! YUCK! His influence affecter her on every negative aspect in her life(she started drinking,smoking,swearing) It's like she is under a deceit spell, and he seems like he is being possesed.I couldn't endure much more what my eyes we're seeing and i went home.
For so many months they are lying to me that everything is ok and behind my back they are ***** X(. I even apologised to him with teary eyes for wrongfully accusing him ( now i see that i was right) . If you could have seen the lack of remorse in his eyes,no guilt,no emotion,no apology. He still plays the victim game and makes me feel guilty.
Since that "stalking" event i have started having panic attacks again and i can actually feel my heart beating in my chest.I have started over-thinking and i believe i hited depression again.. A few times i thought she was an sociopath manipulator like him but i have noticed that she feels guilty and behaves strangely everytime we meet.I was wondering why she feels so guilty and hates herself and has such an low self-esteem , i mean you don't feel like that after you dump someone! BUT after i saw that scene i now know that she feels guilty because she is seeing him secretly and i do not know about it.Can't possibly imagine through what this girl is going right now..
I believe she is so caught in his web of lies and manipulated that he made me look at the bad guy and that is why she is lying to me about this "affair" and is defending him if i say anything bad about him.
I prayed to GOD so much for guidance,for hope,reconciliation and to take away this sorrow from me,this unbearable pain of betrayal.Without exageratting i admit my life has become an living nightmare.The girl which i thought of as my soulmate is trapped into the chains of deceit of an sociopath demonic-like man who i thought of as my friend/brother.I still love her so much… and she is in HIS ARMS… she is loving an fake person she is not the same anymore.. no happiness,no real purpose,no hope. SHe is not even an shadow of her former self,she started doing things which she always hated, she is starting to become someone else.
Oh how i would've protected her from him if i would've knew this earlier… I can't believe how blind i was to trust such an man… I see them passing by my house from time to time and i am utterly useless,i know who is the liar.. who is the lied one.. AND I CANNOT DO ANYTHING! i am invisible.. the girl that loved me so much let's this "devil" control her… She is an atheist now, she wasn't like that when i met her though.
A few nights ago i had a dream: I saw her or him i am not certain which one of em and behind their back there was like a shadowy demonic face laughing so devilishly and ironically that itmade me angry and in the background i kept hearing this verse : "Matthew 17:21 Howbeit this lineage of demons does not go out but by prayer and fasting." I do not know what kind of dream is this.. I tend to believe it is from GOD HIMSELF.Maybe is an answer to my unending prayers and tears…I am wondering now if he or she is possesed and if the demon will be casted out if i start serious praying and fasting, but i feel weak especially after all the articles i've read online talking about sociopaths being impossible to change.
But if by any chance this dream is an answer from GOD and an step towards getting my sweet lover back then i will gladly do it and sacrifice myself just so she can escape from the lies and deceit.I know for sure she can be saved but i do not know what to believe about him,If he is indeed possesed by demon/s can my fasting & praying save him too?
I admit i feel repulsion and fury against him and i am disgusted but.. all these bad feelings would burn away if he would repent and ask for forgiveness and end this "sharade" but considering how many times i cried before him and told him to leave her alone so she can come back to me, his lack of emapthy of emotions totally shocked me and i sinceresly do not know if there is any hope for this kind of man..
I remember how she told me i was an angel from God sent in her life to save her,how she was gratefull for how i was helping her to change her bad habbits and making her become an better loving person, how she hated what she was in the past and never wanted to return there again. How happy she was since i entered her life,and everyone saw that… AND NOW? She is far worse than when i had met her.. she is unrecognizable
I beg you Sarah.. if there is any advice any insight you could give me upon this issue i would be very happy and eternally gratefull 🙂 I feel like i am close to losing my minds,like nobody believes me that he's a an deceptive liar and noone understands me why i still love her.. BUT HOW CAN I NOT? … it's like everything it's against me,and GOD is not doing anything to help me? Actually he does.. he is my rock my everything and surely he works but i don't see it yet.
Dear God Seeker,
My heart bleeds with you over this grievous wounding. To see someone you love duped by a truly evil person is beyond a nightmare.
You say, “I am wondering now if he or she is possesed and if the demon will be casted out if i start serious praying and fasting, but i feel weak especially after all the articles i’ve read online talking about sociopaths being impossible to change.”
I believe you are on to something, but let me preface by saying I’m just a survivor, myself, and not a professional counselor. I only have my own story to share and what I’ve learned from my own experience and others that I meet along this path. deIf you are in the presence of true evil, it is life changing. How you feel is consistent with being in the presence of true evil. Unfortunately, it’s quite serious, what you are describing and I don’t have any advice that will make it easier for you.
Your willingnes to lay down your life for your friend is beautiful and powerful. The hurt of betrayal is doubled, for you, but compounded by the evil. The evil monster you see behind this affair is the real enemy… who delights in your torment. Three victims, right?
My advice is to not be the 3rd victim. Don’t let your enemy see you, even in private, in despair. Let your enemy see you grinning at his demise. Let him see you, knowing God’s own heart, look down on him with a knowing look, as if to say, “You’re defeated, so beat it, scum!”
That’s how God sees the enemy… reference Psalm 2. He laughs. He scoffs at the wicked. He pays them no mind.
I have so much more to learn, but what I do know is that the best way to fight is to be at rest. Peace is a weapon.
I do know that as I walk more and more in the Light, my every glance in the enemy’s direction causing him to shiver, shake, and shimmy away.
The praying and fasting…. oh yes. If you want to see change, the change begins inside of you. As I get freer and freer, it affects everyone around me. You have a soul tie with your girlfriend. She is going ot feel your freedom, my friend.
Everything that affects you, also affect her.
She also has a direct tie with pure evil. She is tormented by guilt. There is hope for her, yes. But she’s in danger, too.
Evil is not something we can rationalize with others… you can argue rationally with someone under the influence of pure evil. Sex is a powerful “drug” in that it produces a chemical reaction…
I wish I could share a step by step plan, but I can’t. Jesus didn’t share those kinds of strategies. He simply demonstrated a lifestyle of intimacy with his Father, and out of that intimacy flowed power to heal, deliver, and set captives free.
I believe you have a divine mission to set your girlfriend free. “Let all darkness be exposed, beginning in me,” is a good prayer. Let the Spirit of God flood your innermost being with Light and Truth, with the Living Water. And then flow. Watch for opportunities to open, but don’t push or try to make things happen.
Fight the thoughts in your mind, all things negative need to be harnessed and converted into positive action and decrees.
What are God’s promises? What has he spoken? Speak those things.
And determine in your heart that nothing moves you, that you are going to stand… and know that you don’t stand alone. There are many of us fighting such fights.
Who can tell what the power of love will do? Who can predict how far it will go? All I know is that you are releasing the most powerful force in the universe: LOVE – and together with TRUTH (God’s promises) and knowing His nature, you have a good chance of turning this evil into something good.
You seem to be intuitive and really understanding the dynamics. You don’t sound jealous or angry, just horrified by what’s happened. This gives me hope that you are a true warrior of God. A hero… and that is what your girlfriend needs.
Just remember your battle is in the spirit realm, primarily. God has already revealed this to you and I’m just affirming that you’re headed in the right direction. Remember who you are, a son of God. Remember the authority that has been given to you.
I hope you will continue to share, and I will continue to pray with you.
The name “Josiah” came to me as I preparing to close this comment…. it means “Fire of the Lord”. God is an all consuming Fire – Love, itself, is Fire. I ask God to breathe on that Fire in your heart and to cause you to be a ball of Flame, lit by the Spirit of God himself. I ask for the All Consuming Fire to go ahead of you… to touch your girlfriend…. to burn the lies that bond her to evil…. to help her to know she is loved by a Kind Father and that His kindness will bring her Home.
May God burns my own words with His Fire and cause anything that is not of Him to decrease, while only His Words remain. Please take anything I say as just friend to friend support and prayer. I send my love and light to you.
Thank you for all the kinds words and support Sarah, i come here and read what u wrote to me whenever i'm sad&thoughtful and i burst in tears.I'm crying over him.. over her ..of how much i want to return in the past where all 3 of us hanged and joked togheter and i miss those times so much.Now since this new event i stay all days in my room browsing the internet and reading stories (relationships,supernatural overhauls,testimonies…) . I'm a vegetable but i must get out of this estate soon enough as the exam approaches in 2 months pwff.
Warrior of God u say? hmm i don't remember anyone saying this to me ever.. thank you for enlightening my way mam.But i have to confess my darkest sin and kill it in order to become an full armored "Warrior of God". I have been deceived by my lusty side(nymphomania) when i was togheter with her.I was always the guy with the high principles and morals and i was telling to myself that i will not give myself to anyone before marriage.Truth is, i have mistaken and i made love to her 😐 .Yes i have sinned , i was trying so hard to lie to myself that i will surely marry this girl so it is ok if make love to her , basically i was already seeing myself married to her we even had some childish plans for the near future to fake an marriage :)).. such naive teens , right?
Back then i thought that i couldn't control myself and this "need".With practice i have noticed that i actually can! yes it is hard but i can do it.One of the rules i've set to myself is that i will never have premarital sex again with her or any other girl which might steal my heart (highly improbabale but nvm).Premarital sex is the first tool to destroy an relation-ship.I understand it now,oh what a fool i have been in the past,i kinda hate my older self right now for being so impulsive and falling into temptation so easily.I have made an oath to myself to never commit that sin again ever in my life.I will wait because it is possible and, the Holy Ghost can and has given me power to control my urges and my desires.
Right now i feel like God's hand is upon me right here in the room and is telling me to behave good and accordingly to his commandments.Yes many times i have felt an undescribable urge to beat the guy up for his betrayal and lies but everytime when i wanted to actually do it it's like some higher invisble force would stop me from it.I believe it is the Holy Ghost, the divine nature in me which is stopping me from doing something i would regret my whole life.If i could just sit to talk with both of them right now.. to tell them to stop the transgression and that God will forgive them, to see them as new people borned again in Christ,just to have them again in my life… to see 'em happy again, to feel complete and alive like i once was.
For some unkown reason i almost see it as impossible to see this change in them 🙁 I guess i have to change myself first, and i will as i want to get baptised as soon as possible.I know how God works and that nothing is impossible to HIM,NOTHING! i can use myself as an example, i had some "trouble" with demonic beings 2-3 years ago and Christ helped me and delivered from evil ( astral projection,demonic voices waking me from sleep,strange occurences). That was some time ago yea but that is when i started my true spiritual pursuit and began to search the Lord more and more for i have never felt so good and happy in any other place than in his church.In the presence of other true christians "warriors" ,I love God and i love people who truly love God.And i want everyhuman being to experience this supernatural feeling of joy,peace,protection.
I try using my empathy to put myself in his shoes.I had an rough troubled relationship with her,i went to her house a few times but never met her dad.AFter 4-5 months togheder her dad forbid her to see me anymore.OFc that did not worked as we still loved eachother even more.Towards the end we even had some arguments coz it seems my smart mom threatened her that she will tell her dad about us if she doesn't do something specifically she asked for.Poor girl got scared by my mom and that was another factor that determined our "downfall".Besides the 15 km distance we had some really annoiyng issues but we still we're still togheder . Now i am trying to see everything from his point of view.
– To see an very close friend passing thru all of this harsh period with his girlfriend and to ignore everything and take her away from him? Personally my mind cannot comprehend how can a human being do something like this to another human being.I COULD NEVER DO IT! i'd rather die than to betray or to cheat.It is something i hate with pleasure(betrayals,cheatings).
-But it seems nothing of these sorrows didn't seem to bother stopping him from doing what he did.It is inhuman, it is devilish.
I miss the person he was in the past.. i really do.. but everything that has happened and everything that i have reasearched and found out indicates my worst fear:demonic-possesions.He cuts himself and has other bad habbits which seems like he cannot control.I remember when we we're hugging and crying togheder and sharing some secrets, such a beautiful bro-mance.. but where did all of that go? I was the first one he confessed his depression and self harm tendencies ( or so i believe) i was the one seeing him cry(fake or real tears i dunno).I do not know if he really has self-low esteem or tries to make me feel guilty by portraying the victim mask but i know that i cannot endure it anymore.
I have deleted him from social media 2 weeks ago and few days ago i deleted her too.The pain was too big to see her online and not being able to talk to her like we used to..I would like to talk to em and show them how greatly they sin but it seems futile.So i have decided that i have to be the bigger man and delete 'em both.After all i still am a man and have my own dignity and i cannot let someone fool me as long as they want.I must know when to say STOP!. If i cannot interactionate with em anymore than my latest effort is to silently pray in my corner for them.I have now let this "disaster" into God's hand.For i am too small and impatient to fulfill it myself.
I would still like to meet her once and tell her i know everything and make her let go of the guilt and do the right thing.ANd i would still like to meet him one more time so we can say a prayer to Christ togheder.AS i promised him this and never did it.And i think i will complete this task pretty soon, or when i get the chance.
Meanwhile there is a girl lurking around for some time (a few months) i dunno if i should give her a shot or not.. I don't feel that love spark for her.. maybe she does but i don't and i am afraid to give it a go coz i don't wanna end up hurting her.I could never break someone's heart like my first love did to me.That is intolerable.I really want someone's arms and lips around me right now since i feel very emotional needy but i don;t wanna end up with this poor girl out of loneliness and especially when my first love is in the background of my mind.
Before this happened i was an very optimistic , proud and self-confident man.Most of the time i saw myself as supperior and above average, i was inferiorising people.I thought that i am the strongest man alive and nothing could bring my down from my self-valued-pedestal.Oh how foolish of me.This "happening" in my life turned me into the softest lamb i never thought i could become,I learnt what is sobbing for days being unable to stop, i learnt what true heartbreak is , what real suffering is,depression,self-hate,worthlessness. All of these feelings.I know that i have qualities other don't and others have qualities which i don't have either .I now see this world with different eyes.
I pray to God to keep me like this and never change.I want to be good and do good.I would even beg God to take my free will away so i can stay like this forever.Never harm and do bad to anyone again.Guess i still have more work to do with self-control.
I leave u now since i want to wander the streets in search of solace and relief of sorrows.For the record i felt and i still feel like i am the most guilty in all of this "sharade".I wonder if she feels the same.. God Bless! And i think that heavenly fire u sent to me in prayers fires up my soul&mind from time to time ^_^ Again i thank you and i appreciate the kindness and advices even if it is only in letters.Sorry for long comments and laments but it feels really good to throw it all out of my shoulders.I pray to God he will work and answer my prayers when he feels it is the time to.
Dear God Seeker,
It is an honor to walk with you on this part of your journey. You write in a beautiful, heart-felt way. The more you write, the more you will heal, and the clearer you will see through the dark shadows.
Like you, even though I had been greatly harmed by others, the Holy Spirit began to show me the shadows in my own heart… until I began to understand that how others had treated me was no less or worse than how I had treated my Savior. Like you, as well, I had lofty rules and goals for myself to live a clean and righteous life. I didn’t realize that my righteousness was like a filthy rag in Heaven’s eyes.
It sounds like your suffering has softened you and helped you to become closer to God. And yet, you are a young man and desire intimacy with a woman… as you stated above, that you need someone to hold you. I think you are wise to hold back from another relationship just now, until you have more closure.
Being alone increases our suffering, but it also deepens our intimacy with God… for He knows how it feels. And in some way, we are knowing Him better, for our own suffering. He loves us to understand how He feels. It brings us closer to the core of His heart, which is the kind of love you describe in your letter… the kind of love that bears all things and never gives up.
I hope you will be able to forgive yourself for the sin that seems so large in your eyes right now. I hope you will forgive yourself, because in reading your letter it seems you have already forgiven those who sinned against you – you would love to have their friendship again. But we are often the hardest on ourselves. I hope you will love yourself in this deeply empathetic way.
I am glad you are keeping your heart open and welcoming the suffering, because love and suffering go hand in hand together. If our hearts are open and soft, it’s only a matter of time before we get hurt. But in the hurt we find deeper truth and stronger love.
I want to honor you for the love you have for this brother who self-harms. There is so much hidden pain in the world, and this friend of yours sounds like he has been hurt very deeply and has a deep self-hatred or worse. It’s a really messed up world and there are so many people who are hurting others because they have lost self-control and don’t know what to do with the overflow of their own pain and anger.
I ask God for people like you – people of His heart and mind – to show up in your life. There are many more people like you in the world, and unfortunately, we tend to reach out to love the ones who hurt the most…. but please remember that we also need to be loved. And those who hurt the worst are unable to love. They try or they fake, but either way they fail.
Until we can learn to receive love from God we have no love of our own to give. We can only fake it. Until we receive His great, unconditional love, we cannot love ourselves. We are an empty well, always draining others to get a few drops so we don’t feel empty.
You are not alone in the worst of love triangles… when your soulmate turns to your best friend. I thank God that He is completing a Good Work in your life, helping you to forgive yourself and to love yourself as deeply as you have loved your friends.
I ask God to snip the soul tie, even as you have unfriended the couple on social media… I ask for a supernatural soul tie cutting. You may want to consider putting your hand over your heart and ask God to pull out the soul parts of your friends and return them to their owners… and to call back your own soul parts from them, and put them back into your heart. Like missing pieces coming back into place.
After a break up, we know what to do with our physical assets. Everyone takes back what was theirs. But we most often neglect to take back our souls… those deepest parts of us that we have shared with our friends.
I like the name you have used for yourself here: God Seeker. You are being found by Him, and Him by you… some of us who have tried the hardest to be good are the ones that have to be broken the most in order to understand Good is impossible part from Him.
I have been blessed in reading your words, God Seeker. If you want to share more of your story, you are welcome. I will listen, as best as I can. My advice is not from a professional – I am only a fellow survivor and peer on the path of Life. I bless you and may God bless you with every good gift and with great joy!
Hmm ,this is weird, i have a premonition or something similar that tells me that in the future(dunno how long that will be) I will meet with her again.It's like there are still unfinished things left between us,i don't know exactly how to explain this feeling but i know for sure that one day down the road we will encounter again. IT feels weird but somehow good.i think i'm not the only one who feels like this after an "soul-mate" break-up right? I'm still thinkin about your soul parts theory, it's so weird , i mean when we meet sometimes we behave like old times and sometimes it's just awkward.Both with her and him. Like today when i randomly bumped into her it seemed ok and later when he passed by my house with his dad i couldn't even look at him that is how awkward it feels.he even called me and i did not answered.Maybe he wants to ask me why i deleted him from social media again and what's wrong but i think he may already have started to figure it all out. I'm pretty curious how much will they continue with this "theatre".
Intuition is usually right. I am glad you are being wise in hanging back and just being quiet for now. Taking time to heal is so important!
how do i mail you?
Hi Deva,
Yes, you can email me here. I look forward to hearing fro you. 🙂
Sue
I am disturbed that you say we are one with new agers etc. I was there before being a Christian. I don’t believe Scripture tells us this at all. Please explain. Scripture says we are born again, aliens, one in the spirit. When we are born as babies we are children of the devil. Thank you. Do you have any suggestions re counselors in Oregon? Thank you.
Hi Janet,
When our faith foundation crumbles beneath us and we finally find level ground it’s impossible for us to return. It would be like re-entering a territory that was bombed out. For me, that area is current day typical Christianity, not true Christianity. For you, it may be New Age that crumbled around you and you found Christianity to be your solid ground. Much of everything in this world is mystery, as the Apostle Paul freely admitted. He stated that we “see through a glass darkly”.
I turn to the gospels for my Truth, because it’s in the words of Jesus that my new foundation was built painstakingly, stone by stone. And still, I know that it’s not finished. My understanding is imperfect. When I read John 17, I hear the heart of God, longing for all of us to leave the world’s reality based on illusion and to be One with our Father and Holy Spirit, even as Jesus is One in this mysterious Trinity, our God.
His heart was for the outsiders as much as fo 34 the “insiders” as we witness in Ezekiel 34. His heart is totally outraged by the condition of those who have lost their way and have become outsiders, whether they are of the fold or outside the fold. In John 15, I hear conditions, such as “IF you abide in me….” and in John 14 I see an invitation to both be a home for God and to come Home to God, an intimacy of perfect love. I’ve never seen Christ in the gospels not loving or caring about the lost, or the ones who were not of his faith. In fact, it was they who were of his faith background (Jewish) that he criticized the most vehemently.
He didn’t come to bring us a particular brand of religion, but instead, he came to model for us an intimacy with our Creator, who he called “Abba”… Daddy. He was revolutionary and still is. Perfect love casts out fear, Scripture tells us. It’s our faith that overcomes the world, Scripture says.
Personally, I believe God’s heart is to save the whole world, and I can’t imagine His love not being great or perfect enough to not accomplish this tremendous task. One day, Paul said in Philippians, EVERY knee shall bow and every tongue confess that he is Lord. I take His word literally, because I believe in the power of perfect love.
I peer through this magnificent lens – this Philippians lens – and I see the whole world reconciled. And I believe it. When I believe something is true, I begin to speak and act as if it’s true right here and now. I believe the writer of Hebrews tell us this is how the heroes of the faith were able to grab hold of the future and to take the next steps so that after they died the next generation would have a path to follow. They didn’t see the reward in their lifetime, but they exist today in the “Great Cloud of Witnesses” who are eagerly cheering us on.
Faith is about seeing beyond the natural circumstances of this world. Religion is a return to bondage – any religion.
I am not a theologian and even if I were, there would not be enough room in this website to fully reveal the mind and heart of God on the subject of our Oneness in Him. I’m a nobody, and I’m glad for that. I believe one must be a nobody to really see God, because it’s the nobodies that God has come for, so that he has a willing and open vessel to pour through. If I can be a vessel of love, no matter how lowly or oppressed by this world, I just want Him to pour through me.
I believe that’s part of the essence of Oneness… that in becoming who we truly are – our true selves – that we are facing true reality – and that reality is beyond natural understanding. Christ gives us “peace that surpasses all understanding” as we learn in Philippians and also in the gospel of John. I see His disciples rejoicing when they are falsely imprisoned. I see His friends laying down their lives for their friends. Whenever I see people who act like Jesus, I know I am in a Great Company of people, no matter what worldly reality they have emerged from.
We are all emerging from darkness. This is a dark and cold world, whose atmosphere is controlled by the prince of darkness, the prince of this world. He was deposed and disarmed by Christ on the Cross – perfect love. And we each have our own cross to bear – the opportunity to give and receive perfect love.
As all of bear our cross and walk in the perfect love of Christ, we shine. We become the Light of the World – in our identity, our Oneness, with Christ. The early Christians were confronted with the issue of Oneness with people outside of their faith… pagans. How could a pagan be “One” with Christ and each other? They sought to return to old bondage (religion) and Paul rebuked even Peter for it! Peter – the rock – Peter, the beloved of Christ, who walked with Jesus from the very beginning of his public ministry. Even Peter fell into the temptation to be the judge of who is inside and who is outside.
In Matthew 7 we also see that the very ones supposedly on the inside, were actually cast into outer darkness by Jesus. The first will be last and the last will be first, Jesus declared. Outer darkness is not hell, though. It’s an empty, dark place where one can finally begin to see. Until you are in the dark, how can you truly appreciate and value the Light? I believe outer darkness is still within the bounds of God’s mercy. I don’t understand all these things. It’s too big for me to see or understand, but I know it in my heart… because perfect love casts out fear.
Fear is what separates us from God and causes us to sin, by looking for what we need in the wrong places. Perfect love casts out fear. Wherever there is true love – not just “duty” – but true love, the atmosphere changes. Scientists are proving this to be true as their scientific tools are used to study the earth’s gravitational field when people in a concentrated area pray. These people were not exclusively Christians – they were simply people who were loving. God is love. If we live in God, we become part of the perfect love.
Like I said, it’s way too big of a subject to have a one-sided conversation… because I’m just a nobody, a misfit…
Regarding your statement that we are “children of the devil” when we were born…. my heart weeps to hear that. When I look in an infant’s eyes and when I hold a baby in my arms I feel God’s presence. I cannot believe babies are children of the devil and I see no Scripture bearing witness to that.
There are children of the devil, of course. And I don’t pretend to understand evil or the father of lies. All I know is that God has the whole world in his hands. Paul says that Christ holds the world together.” In Him we live and move and have our being.”
Because we have free will we can, of course, give our souls to the devil. Nearly always, it’s part of our conscious choice or decisions to compromise, as well as whatever genetic predispositions and environmental influences. We can lose our souls.
I agree with you that we are “new creatures” – which appear “alien” to the people still in the world. Love is alien to fear.
Regarding counselors in Oregon… I do know of one, although he would never call himself a counselor. And yet, psychiatrists send to him their worst cases. Sometimes the most powerful people of all are clothed in the ordinary “nobody” disguises of “farmer,” school teacher,” and “friend.”
Janet, I hope I have not disturbed anything in you, except anything religious that comes from the old fear-based world. At any rate, these words you are free to pray about, discard, or study in your own way. I believe the gospels, the book of Isaiah, which Jesus was fond of quoting, are the best places to find Truth. I believe the greatest Counselor lives in you and I trust He will point you in the direction you need, next, to go. Step-by-step he guides us through the darkness of this world into the Light of His beauty and truth. We’re each on different parts of the journey, but He walks with us in an intimate way.
He is my Counselor, the Holy Spirit Jesus promised would help us to be One in our Triune God. I am just a beginner. Please don’t take my words any more seriously than just a girl walking this path and seeing only what she’s seen so far, knowing the Path is far wider and deeper than she ever expected… and it’s a joyous journey!
Hi, can you send me an email? I want to ask you a question but I cannot get to your email by clicking on the link. Thank you.
I sent you an email, Julia…
I thank God for your website. Is been so helpful for me the way that God reveals Himself to you in differents way beside His word. I was married to a psycopath for 4 years. Like most of us who had a pathological relationship with them I ignored the red flags and God's warnings. I met him at church and thought he was a christian. Before him, I was married for 30 years with my first husband, a selfish narcissist too, but not at that level. With a christian counselor help, for 3 years during that marriage, I could came out of the fog and separate and finally divorce Him. I am been christian for many years, but I didn't realize that I lived almost all my life surviving due a lot of traumas, child abuse and parents abandoment. Thru this relationship with my ex narcissist husband, my eyes got wide open and I could see what door I had oppen that attracted the narcissist to me and me to him. Like the other testimonies, I lived thru hel,l and the shame and guilt that I was already carrying since my childhood became big and deep. I divorced my ex husband in may of this year. I moved out of state close to my children already married. I left my job, my appartment, my church, my friends, everything just in this move. I hate the place that I live now. That is making me more depressed, making harder my healing process. I want to go back to the town I was living, but I am so fearful that God doesn't let me move back. I always struggle with my will versus God will in my life. I use the facebook to vent my thoughts and feelings and the pastor's wife of one of the churches I was attending reply a comment and the way she did is obvious they don't know or understand what victims of psycopath or narcissist go thru, much less how to help. I looked for help in churches already and with psychiatrics, but finally I understood that there is no better counselor and psychiatric than God. I am still missing the good of my ex husband, but God is telling me that I have to see his true color and the demonds that are operating behind them. Any advice would be appreciate. God Bless!!!
Dear Edith,
Although it’s like we each tell the same story – you and I and so many others – Love never fails to deeply move my heart. I am saddened your Christian community, in ignorance, have failed to see how fragile and wounded you are.
Thank you for writing today. Sometimes I am so ready to move on from talking about the sociopathic abuse happening right inside our Christian homes, churches, and communities… and I confess, there are times when I wonder if my voice will ever have an effect on how the churches are treating victims of this satanic strategy to carve up our lives and offer up our souls for their demonic worship.
You’re in the wilderness right now, and it’s not a geographic reality. It’s a place of not-back-there and not-yet-there. It’s an empty place, at first, and then once you see the beauty, you will begin to love that wild place. I promise.
I wrote about this time period in my life at https://loveyourstory.org/the-voice-said-dance-with-me/ – and also at https://loveyourstory.org/around-the-bend-three-word-wednesday/.
All those decades…. they were not wasted (https://loveyourstory.org/wasted-life-best-life/).
Today, I republished “Treasures in the Darkness” just for you, Edith: https://loveyourstory.org/the-dark-place-of-wonder-and-treasure/. Maybe it will help you to see beyond the torture of where you are currently at, and to know that you are Chosen. It’s going to be worth all the pain and suffering you’ve endured. Nothing is wasted. Nothing is worthless or forgotten. Every single tear God has collected. Every single injustice is being corrected. The balance scale of justice is weighing heavy in your favor!
Oh Edith, I have no easy answers but I have validation for you. This place you are in right now is a good place. You are right – God is the best psychiatrist and physician!
So many survivors have told me the same… that they have gone to the experts and the experts have failed them. They know only God can make something beautiful out of that place of terror!
Edith, you are so precious. I’m deeply grateful for your story, for your heart bleeding onto this web page. I ask God to bind up your wounds, to carry your pain, and to show you the beauty He’s creating out of the disaster those two ‘husbands’ threw at you. Father, I ask you to raise Edith up, to give her mercy and grace to face today and tomorrow. I thank you for manna in the wilderness. I thank you for your presence in her life. I feel your peace already in her spirit. Help her to know she’s in a good place!
All my love,
Sue
To Whisper a Doxology in the Darkness – More on stories of living in the inbetween, the desert time following escape from a narcissist or sociopath.
It is wonderful to find a forum of others with similar experiences. Lately, I have begun to understand just how many have trudged this road before me. At the point I realized I was broken (had a crushed spirit) I began to look for answers – I needed to find understanding and the truth. Then, when I read that the psychiatry field had no idea how to reform a sociopath, I turned to my Bible. Only there did I read the Truth and find the Understanding that I needed to began to repair my heavily damaged heart, soul and mind. I was thrilled to read of your thoughts regarding the Parable of the Wheat and the Tares and how I can apply that to my continuous recovery effforts. Thank you for everything you share here!
Hi Robin,
God’s psychiatry is the most redemptive, and costs us only obedience. His office hours are open forever for one-on-one’s or group therapy. I’m so glad you are finding help and that somehow my story and the stories of others have helped to comfort and strengthen you!
Thank you for sharing part of your own story – it takes a lot of courage to heal from sociopathic abuse. God bless you!
Hi White Dove I'm only 19 years old but I've had the misfortune of being stuck in the trap of a sociopath. We started dating in January, and he had this obsession with me that away just so sick. But at the time, I took it as compliment and ate up all of his love and attention. The beginning of my story with him is the same as all the others; starting out as a fairy tale with a man that seems too good to be true. I saw the red flags and neglected them because I just wanted to be happy. But after the 3 month mark of our relationship I saw that something about him was truly not normal. I went to the emergency room last March and instead of coming to pick me up to make me feel better, he left me there. He refused to pick me up because "I didn't take care of myself and it's my fault that I'm sick", he believed he shouldn't have had to go out of his way to help me…so he didn't. I broke up with him and he tore me apart with verbal abuse telling me I'm replaceable and I am nothing. Then came the begging and pleading for forgiveness. Over time I forgave him because I was naive and weak. He snaked his way back into my life and everything took a turn for the worst. He had sex with me against my will one too many times, slapped me so hard he left welts on my skin and one day when I fought back and slapped him first he turned me onto my stomach and violently smacked my back side saying "don't ever hit me, I will hit you back". No remorse for his actions. Every time I looked at him with eyes full of tears he would stare back blankly, he never once said sorry and he flat out made me feel stupid and weak for shedding tears.
Then, summer came and I began seeing someone else behind his back because I was so miserable. I ended up leaving him for my new current boyfriend who is normal and happy in love with me. My sociopath could not stand it. He went to a community college and I was at a university nearby. He followed me and transferred to my school and moved into an apartment complex 2 minutes down the road from me. All of this happening after I broke up with him, by the way. He parked in front of my house every single day for two months and took my bus route to campus. He even waited outside of one of my classrooms just because he wanted to play mind games with me and let me know I can't get rid of him that easily. Eventually I confronted him to leave me alone and let me be happy. He snapped. He posted personal intimate photos of me onto social media AND sent them in messages to our other friends. He erased them on the condition that I "stop being mean to him and accusing him of stalking me when he isn't doing anything wrong". The horror is still going on to this day and my current boyfriend and I are afraid. My sociopath still has photos of me which he uses to blackmail me into being his friend and staying in contact with him. This is all in order to drive my current boyfriend away from me. I've tried to find a way to delete the pictures but it's impossible, all of his things are password protected. Every day I go to school living in fear of where he will appear next. He has harassed psychologically and strategically so that there is no hard evidence that can be use against him in a court of law. I know because I tried and failed to get a restraining order against him. My question in the end of this…when will this end? Is there any hope for me to get him out of my life and how can I do so? He is relentlessly trying to ruin me and all that is precious to me.
Sorry, made a few typos in there sending this from my phone but you get the gist.
I also have forgotten an important detail. The last time I tried to delete the pictures of me he took a keychain from me which has a photo of my current boyfriend and I. And he lit it on fire. He is dangerous if he gets too angry and I am afraid to act on anything because it adds fuel to the Fire.
This last detail is pretty scary, as well as the stalking. I agree with you that he is dangerous.
Beginning as a “fairy tale” – ignoring the red flags because the fairy tale was so good, like not wanting to wake up from a good dream – the play-acting of being sorry in order to get back in – all that you describe contain the classic signs of being in a pathological relationship.
I am not professionally qualified to offer counsel, but I can validate you and affirm you are in danger. I wish I could offer hope that he will quit, but unfortunately, if he doesn’t have anyone else to amuse himself with, he will stick to torturing you. I hate that he’s using blackmail. It’s humiliating and shame a huge factor in keeping its prey under the talons of fear.
A man like this is similar to an addict, and you are his “source” of supply. When you withhold what he wants, he will do anything to get it. I am so glad you are not married to him, that you don’t share children and face a lifetime of co-parenting or grandparenting with him! That’s a little ray of sunshine in this tragedy. I’m also so glad that you are getting educated about sociopaths and you cut off the relationship much sooner than many of us did. That’s a very good thing.
I hope you are able to find someone to help you end the tyranny of his stalking and blackmail. The only thing I’ve known to end it is to release myself from the shame and fear.
He feeds on your shame and fear. If he can’t use you as his source of love – all the good energy you gave him when all was well – then he will feed off of your shame and fear of him. Intensity of emotion is what he feeds off of, and it appears he really doesn’t care if it’s negative or positive, as long as it’s intense. The blank stare you mentioned? He’s empty…. he’s void… he’s a pit of hell. His body is a shell haunted by demons, is what I’ve come to believe. Others may disagree with me, but after so many years of torment and see that blank empty stare…. and after extensively interviewing several psychopaths, I have come to this conclusion.
The enemy, though, is not this man… the real enemy is shame and fear. If he can get you to bow down to fear or to shame, then he has you shackled to him. You can release yourself by letting go of the shame and fear.
It’s a horrible thought, isn’t it…. for the public to see the personal, intimate pictures? Yet, that’s the worst he has on you. So let it be…. in your own mind, anyway. If he knows you don’t care… then you have removed his supply. That may make him even more dangerous for a time, or he may move onto his next prey. And if you know her (his next prey) you might warn her, but chances are great she will not believe you, but rather she will believe the fairy tale, just as you did.
But the more we share our stories, the more this information gets out, the brighter the Light that pierces the darkness of sociopathy. You are doing your part, both in freeing yourself, and in freeing yourself, you are doing it for all of us.
It may not seem like a big deal right now… and if this man continues to harrass and threaten, all within the confines of the law so he can’t be caught, you may need to get professional counsel – legal and/or psychological. These types of relationship damage our minds and can also lead to physical harm, even death. The worst of these monsters prefer pyschological torment. Shame and fear are the lure and line that keep you hooked.
I do encourage you to get professional help. It’s horrible what you’ve endured and you deserve happiness!
Hi, White Dove
I have been writing comments on the blog, as I get fired up, to let this out. It is working, I am doing that, but they may be going to an area where it is for comments, other than story chapters. I can write them in email form, to you, and I went to send an email, and it would not open. Let me know if it is better to just comment, or send it email, or really, what does it matter? Anyway, I am truly glad and blessed to have found you all. I am feeling better facing this on virtual paper. I am not worrying if it is organized, but I am teachable. I commented in the middle of the blog today, and the dates are not in order , but they are where you placed my first post. Let me know how, and when to tweek what I need to. Love to you all, Miriam
Hi Miriam,
I will check out the comment section and look for your next chapter. I’m so glad you are finding it good to write on “virtual paper” and that being organized isn’t an obstacle for you. The most important thing is to keep the writing flow turned on, and you’re doing that!
Grace and peace,
Susan
Dear White Dove,
Thank you for this website. I've read only a few stories, one of which was your experiences. You got behind his wall and YES, like you, I believe they have hearts that are capable of feeling every emotion. It IS a combination of factors for sociopaths to act as they do. Do believe there are different degrees depending on the persons' circumstances. Wholeheartely believe demons can and will possess humans and also believe this very vial condition can be handed down from generations. I have LIVED this first handed….
My story began approximately three years ago when I, a single Mom with young adult children was asked by a "friend" to be a pen pal to a Federal prisioner. She knew exactly how to approach me and I (being very naive to a fault regarding sociopaths) agreed. Afterall, this guy was in another state, never EVER thought we'd be more than writing friends but just like every story….I was charmed. I was being manipulated from the very first letter. See, from my (now ex-friend) who coordinated this pen-palship, she told him a little about me. The "sweetest person ever." She told him I was married for years & ex was lazy & took advantange of my goodness. That I was briefly engaged & that ended with the guy trying to take what money I had. She told him point blank that she would personally "kill" him should he not do anything but treat me with the goodness & respect I deserved. His reply was simply, "I will be the perfect gentleman." He was! His letters from the start indicated that he was not even "in" under his correct name…that was very important as he was falsely imprisoned. He quickly wrote two of three letters with one to include a few pictures. I was a VERY happy & full of zest for life. For eight years prior, I decided that I would make my children, my home, my job the best I could be for them. I wanted to put myself on a shelf persey for GOD. I did! I did it well at that. It's not that I didn't want a relationship but just needed and wanted to find my spiritual way with increasing my wisdom to be for GOD. I needed this time to find what he wanted me to do for HIM. Knowing all along that my children needed me most. During this time, it was my oldest son that I conversed "relationships" most. We'd talk about just about everything and all the years he would know me to say, "If God wants me to be with someone HE will make it happen." My son always agreed. He is a fine…NO the finest and most humble Christian I know.
The ex-friend told me she had a "vision" that it was "ME" that was to be this prisoner's pen-pal. I had known her 15 years at this point. She has a tender heart but was domineering a lot. She would get these "visions" of such from time to time so when she told me about vision of me being this guy's pen pal, I believed her. For it was just a few nights before that I was having personal time with God. I said, "God, if you are ready…I am ready for a relationship." The letters came. Three and pictures. I briefly read them and put them aside. The pictures, I remember like yesterday…looking at them quickly but not really impressed other than he was tall. Intelligence and tall are my first attractions for the opposite sex. I did not respond to any three of his letters. Again, single Mom. I was very busy plus I had several sets of company to come from out of town. The last being my best friend and her husband. They only stayed one night but that night was glorious. We had a beautiful dinner, dessert. My children loved having them . They were my family. WE were their family. Well, all of a sudden the conversation turned to me and how they all said I needed to date. Needed a man in my life. The only supportive one was my son. He did say, "Mom always knows that if God wants her with a man, he will bring them together." Otherwise I never would do online dating. There just wasn't anyone that I met at the store, library, park, beach, etc. that interested me. It was a long conversation but little did they all know…I had already talked to God about this. It was after numerous phone calls from the "match-maker" asking "gently" if I have written to saying, HE..the prisioner wants to know why I've not written. Well, I first sent a little card. Just basicailly "HI" my name, age and children. Busy with them, work, home. That Saturday, fianlly was alone & got out all three letters. I read them intently. This guy was SUPER postive (for being in prision so long) He was extremely well written and intelligent. He was FUN! He told me that he was framed, that he was put in under wrong information. He told me so sweetly he had a daughter but didn't know about her until after his incarceration. He said no contact with his Mom. His dad would visit two times a year. He was gentle in telling me that HE was the good one of the family. He did so very convincingly. Now remember, I was happy & a very freindly person. There was no reason for me not to believe him. I wrote him 11 pg letter. Remembering my friend said it is fun and can be very theraputic writing. No pretenses and these guys can get lonely. She said from what she knew (her boyfriend was in his prision) that he was very intelligent especially with law. Well liked by all and no girlfriends or visitors. This guy wanted a pen pal because he was close to being released & wanted to know the outside world as it is. To just have a friend. What harm, right? Well, will say again, this dude wrote and wrote and wrote. We'd write many letters a week. He got to know me and well and I he. Within four months, I planned to visit him. I was excited and he was. The domineering ex-friend found out and insisted she go, too. I protested a bit because this was all new and wanted to do on my own. At least the first time. She insited and figured it would be ok. Before my first visit, he was calling me his best friend. Godsent. The nicest person and compared me to the only other good person in his life, his deceased grandmother. When I got there, was told he'd be extremely nervous ESPECIALLY not seeing a girl and hugging one for over 8 years. So, his initial meeting, well, I just thought he was nervous. He was the only prisioner who did not smile as he came out. His palms were with sweaty napkin. We hugged. No kiss. We talked and talked but the entire time, he was looking dead in my eyes yet he was looking around A LOT. I do not mean to brag but I have guys all my years googling at me. That is another reason for my being on the shelf for so long. I only wanted real for me. To be wanted for insides…my brain, my heart, soul and spirit. Was a little taken back by his lack of attention but yet some of the other prisioners commented to me…Anyway, we had talked about chemistry. Told him (because he asked) that if chemistry was not there..then I just could not form an"intimate" relationship. First day was a short visit. Was told by the girls that he'd call and he did A LOT that night. He wanted to know first off …did I feel chemistry. I did. Very much so. The next two days were nice. Friendly and nice. I think he kissed me. Was just being my happy self & thought we hit it off. It was not until a few days after we got home that my ex-friend called saying my guy was MAD because she went. He had told other inmates that he did not want us girls to hang & never wanted that other girl to go to visit when I did. I confronted him & he denied & seemed to be in shock. He just said all he wanted to know is did I want to live open relationship lifestyle like this ex-friend and her boyfriend. Told him NEVER. Never would judge but that is not me. So, the writings and phone calls were all the time. This guy wrote me the most amazing letters and would say the most amazing things. YET…on calls he'd get angry & almost like damn me for being a happy girl. I DO NOT NOT NOT like drama or confrontations. So, the first few times he'd get angry at me, he'd quickly retort by telling me GOD made us for each other. Then, his pattern of loving then manipulate had begun. I was in the web. As he said, "WE ARE INEXTICABLY INTERtWINED". He came up with a cute nick name for me. He'd send me 'gifts' from prison. Then, he'd make me cry by accusing me of untruths. He'd always rage then immediately beg for forgivness. He'd blame everyone except himself. He'd make me feel so sorry for him then he'd show me wisdom. He talked God a lot. Soon, it was next visit. OMG! WHY I went or even communicated after that time is beyond me. Satan had somewhat power. The time, expense and arrangements to see him were out-the-roof but I did it and then for the first few minutes regreted then he'd pull me back in. Looking back, he was SUPERIOR at this con job. After we'd write and he'd rage and make me cry & justify my every move. He manipulated. When I told him that maybe WE were too much & I'd back off…he'd manipulate with the "I LOVE YOU" card. One time in particular, he got me so upset that I was seeing my zest gone. I did not write for an entire day. He then wrote the most heart wrenching email ever. He pledded to not leave him. He said God made us for each other..that I was EVERYTHING to him. He was in love…soul mate…" he went on and on. I cried and wrote back that I'd always and have been for him. Then the money. Oh!!!! He smoozed his way to take thousands….YES! Thousands. I did without. I sold gold. I mowed lawns. Then he said I told him I'd take care of him. NO! I told him to stop selling illegal substances in prison..that if he was that bad I could help. I was on outside and had more resorces. My thing is I loved him and did not want him to get more time or solidary confinment. He was running a store. He could have gotten more years. He cried the blues that his father would not come through. He'd call in a panic that he owed. It was horrible. The guy had this all calculated and planned. He finally got out. His promises of US being together. He always said he'd have to see his father first. Sometimes he'd say, just a few days. It was always US. Babies, marriage was mentioned many times by HIM. Towards the end of his time, he did get distant yet kept me close enough…saying it's the effects of prison. Please be patient. He'd come here. He did…for a visit. . He hurt me when we were physical. He said it's not me that it's all the years in prison. He claimed to never had sex with men. It was a nice visit but the sex made me think something is not right. BUT he'd tell me he loves me so much. Whats his is mine. He was rough with me yet looked me in my soul saying how he loves me. So, I thought it was all prison. He did HAVE to go to his fathers. We were not married or related. Just for a time. His home is worse than a nut house. Before he came he'd call me at all hours and I'd hear his father raging. RAGING. Another ploy make me feel sorry for him. I was distraught and offered to do anything to get him out of there and here. I spend more and more money on him. He said they'd even take the toilet paper. He could not find a job. He needed to wait til he came here then really pursue. I was one the phone many hours while he took public transportation to try to find jobs. Even stuck my neck out by making calls within my company to see if we could get him on in his state. When he was here, he was "the man of the house". It was natural to him. My puppy was in complete control with him. My daughter tried to like him. She did act up once & that was big deal but the way he talked to her and handled it was amazing. The day he left, I tried not to cry…did not know when we could see one another again. He told me he loved me and I him. I cried but RED FLAG…he did not hug me. He did not consol me. He just lay on the bed and then turned over. When I say his face, he was crying. I told him he completed us. Afterall, we talked of all this before. It was at the airport I felt in my gut something was wrong. He did not seem happy to take pictures. He did not want us to walk to the gate (I have special clearance)…he used my daughter as excuse. Saying she's being a teen, just drop him off. Now mind you, stupid me had prior paid hundreds of dollars for his past tickets. Paid for his lisc. and bought transportation for him. He convinced me it was all for US. Red flag was when it took days for him to send me vacation pictures. He took my computer to use to tune up his motorcyle. He was distant. Then, all these years he had said his father hated me…For what? I once had his record looked up. He had sent me all legal work through the years. He always ALWAYS said NO SECRETS. He always called himself, smart, humble, good-looking (he was just ok) he bragged and talked as he was the greatest just that he was framed. He said his memory was photographic. Yet he neglected to tell me of the one sealed file that was opened for me. It was stupid about a girl coming onto him…then when he did her finance' walked up so she claimed he attacked her. She WAS lying and the docs proved it. BUT for that he neglected to tell me…yet he said all the years he told me everything. His father was mad at me for that?! I questioned. He did not like. He played his father and myself against one aother while keeping us separated. He did let me talk to his sister but once and since he's made excuses. He would twist things so bad. Things that he was actually doing he accused me. Yes! I did buck up to him but up until after he left my home, he'd make the wrongs seem right. It was after he left that many things were red flags. He'd never say he loved me. I mentioned that, he got angry & said we're too far into to "have" to say it. By this point, he had bamboozled thousands from me and now he was shattering my heart. Woke one Sunday to his face on a facebook pg. under another name. I had a friend call me about that saying "your boyfriend under another name?" The one friend was a girl! Well, I phoned him. Up to this point, he'd always answer. He was the one that would call me insane times…not giving regard of my work or dr's appt or massage, etc. So this day, I called him 26 times. NO ans. It was not until late did he answer and he yelled at me. He was in front of his father while doing so. I blasted him. He said he set up to play games on the computer. Too many lies and his awful actions, no love from him. Finally, I consulted a psychic. She is well known & I told her nothing. She blew my mind. She said he had other girls he did same while in prison. She said at one point he did love me as much as he was capable but he was a liar and cheat and that is how I learn the word SOCIOPATH. I knew he was living in a nut house with his father. BUT what she told me made me sick. She said his father beat him from child on. That that father had sex with the son and she told me these two are still having sex!!!! She said both are the worst & vial humans. I got my strength to ask her to tell me about the sex part. She said he did have sex with men in prison…that he HATES women but is bi-sexual. She said she thinks his father is with possibly aids. She told me this guy is the salesman of all. That he is stuck on himself and NEVER sees that he does wrong. She said so much that I just about had a breakdown. I immediately called him. I was like he had been to me many times. I said so much but all he could say is "give it time" "let me heal" "I love you" HE NEVER DENIED THOUGH. He called me the next day & was casual. Don't remember anything else about the call except I asked him to return my computer. For days after I asked him to return my computer. It was brand new. He was to set it up. It was the only recovery of any damage I could get back. My daughter needed for school. He finally sent back & of course charged me the FedEx. He thought he cleared it but did not all the way. He had been looking up smut pictures and girls. Russian brides. This was all too much. It was revolting. I fell deeply in love long prior to all of this. My heart was een more ripped. I texted him I told him he was vial & of the devil. Especially since he told me GODSENT and he KNEW and LIVED God's word. Where he used to tell me he loved me inextricably intertwined … he hurt me through eterny. It was I that continued to text my heart…not really knowing they don't care…but I said my peace and for days. A few weeks. He never replied. I told him he had to pay me back my money that he stole. I told him Book of life. He never responded. Different for a sciopath, right? Well, the only time he responded was when I told him I'd tell the CEO of the company. He called me and could barley talk with his mumbled words…he said he'd pay me when he got his "false imprisioned" money. I told him now!!! ONLY MY MONEY. That I used to believe him and believe in him when no one else did. Told him that I was there for him in the three years more than ANYONE his entire life. He didn't respond. I went to attys and to Dist state atty. They ALL said civil case and I'd win. The dist state atty told me this…"He will stand before GOD and GOD will spit on his unmoralistic ways…." He said too, "HE WILL GO BACK TO PRISION WHERE HE BELONGS…and when he does, the Feds make them work & he gets paid a tiny amount…that money will be garnished to you…" So, after a time of praying getting the nerve to call his "good" brother and his Mother. My ears were even in more shock. This beast I was involved has never had morals or values. His is the rot of all rot besides his mentally sick father. I am dealing with the fact of trying to get my entire being to the happy and zestful and God fearing woman I was. I refuse to let Satan take anything more. I have no family except a stepMother and my children. My best friend is staying away because her husband who has "connections" found out how vial this guy is….they warned me long ago to get away from him but I did not see it was so bad. They are hurt I did not listen to them. They do not want to be associated as he is capable of anything wrong. I sit here stronger yet totally untrusting of anyone. Yet I know that there is love and that is what God wants of us. He knows I know this. The very last time I tried calling him, he acted like an elementary bully child and pretended he could not hear me. He works with his father. His father controls him. He likes this because it's attention. Negative but attention at that. It's sick. He did not leave me as destitute as he thinks. His camera downloads are still hooked up to my computer and today nake pics of him. I have to get this stuff off somehow. Your story, your Bible verses have helped but I pray to God to erase all memories. WHY did he come to me? I was fine…so fine without him. It's only been three years compared to all the yrs of tourment you went through. So many others who were married and children of these monsters. My faith! I LOVE God and have to know these people have to take accountability. We have to have LAWS of these cons and frauds. I could go through the legal system but I was told … they would have me killed. NOT FAIR but I remain ever strong in faith to be able to live whole again. See, like you, I got behind his wall. I found out what my gut and dreams were telling me. He, I don't think will contact me because he was in prison for 11 years. He KNOWS how to get others and already has. He lives in another state & even is having some kind of contact with his last girl…the one he always talked PUT HIM IN THERE AND SHREDDED HIS HEART. It's the most insane thing ever and again WHY DID I HAVE TO GET INVOLVED???? Was it the devil that actually brought us together?
The ultimate is between Satan and God and Satan must know that GOD IS SUPREME.
Dear Bee,
Your story… wow… I can relate to so much of it, as all of us survivors can. We commonly exclaim to each other, "We married the same man!" More like, we were conned by the same monster.
The perfect prey for this beast is a praying, believing, sweet, kind, sensitive woman who loves God. When you think of Satan, who does he most want to destroy? It's the children who love God the most.
The legal system needs to have provision for these relational con artists, but I doubt it will happen, just yet, because this beast gravitates toward law – they love the law. They've taken control of the system, actually.
Where I'm focusing my time, Bee, is on educating women and girls who are just like us – the perfect prey – so that they will not only see the red flags but understand what awaits them.
We all disregard the red flags. I love how, in your story, you point on the red flags. We all disregard them. Like you said, You were in the web.
It's hard to describe how intoxicating it is, to be in that web. Only those of us who were poisoned by the same spider understand the web and its power over us.
We need all of us – teachers, pastors, friends, and family – to understand this type of abuse. Sociopathic abuse is unlike any other kind of abuse. If we are awakened to it, if we see a friend in trouble, we can be in a better position to help.
You had friends warn you. You disregarded their warnings. That is typical.
But – what if you had a book of 101 stories like yours in your hand… and you read in its pages of women and girls just like YOU!
That is my aim… to gather these stories. Because women like us – we love deeply. And love never quits. Love forgives everything. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Love will put up with anything, right?
We offer genuine Love. Godly love. The real deal.
But when you give that kind of love to a sociopath, you end up – every time – spun in a web of deceit. You feel defiled.
You ask, "Was it the devil that actually brought us together?" I don't have all the answers, but what I've come to believe is that the devil knows us so very well. He is confident of our godly, loving responses. So confident, that we will love the unloveable… that he will set us up.
And then drain us dry… of everything!
Where is God when all of this is happening? Weeping with us. Does he have no power to save us? Does he turn away, as he did when his son was tortured and killed on the cross? I believe his plans for us are far greater than we can imagine.
I wrote: https://loveyourstory.org/flesh-eating-christians/ – about the pearl of great price. I've written along this vein several times, in fact… that I am grateful for what these monsters have done for me.
Jesus endured the cross because fo the joy set before him. I don't understand it all. So much of life on earth is a mystery to us. We see through a glass darkly.
I'm only beginning to see how glorious God's plan is, even though it involves suffering for us here on earth. He is not cruel – he is the kindest man I know. Like you ended your story, "God is supreme" – and that's such a proper and fitting ending to your story. I love it!
In effect, what you are saying is that this monster drained you dry, stole 3 years from you, but God is supreme.
You are writing the next chapter, with those words. Oh yes, God is supreme….
And for you, Bee, you are going to prosper and succeed. You will love again and be loved. You have children who love you, a son who understands. You have so much.
You're getting your life back. I have more to share, and also more questions to ask. I hope we can get together, through email or phone, sometime!
Hi, White Dove
I feel that I am almost over the people and events in my life, and then something will happen to trigger a feeling of the rug being pulled out from under me, and I go into a tailspin, and loose my footing for a bit. This time it was health reasons, a bout with gallbladder, and poisoning from cooking my own chipotle type food and kidney beans and lentils, and I also heard the last person which was one of the worst, that I was damaged from, was now in contact with one of my friends, and I thought I had it all together. I think, had I not been ill, maybe it would have been not a big deal, or maybe it would have been, and still is, mind you. I snapped at a rude office gal, on the phone, not terribly, but actually felt and still do think, I was in the right, and know I was, but was surprised that I did it. She was rude, not listening, and accusatory. She had no facts, and was way off base. I told her, no, that is not the way it is. I got your email and thanks for the offer for an hour. And believe it or not, it has been two days, that I have not showered, some of it is health, some that I don't worry about petty things as much, and some, I can't figure out why I still don't know how the people that are so ill are wired enough to know how to not let them bother me, and to respond when I obviously will have to, in life, because they are around. I use to say nothing, now, I want to do something, just not sure how to still be me, and be informed, I call it a very low tolerance to stupid, for me, my life, and stupid in general, but it almost , to me, makes me seem like I am still trying to figure out them, if I learn how to deal with them, as control is a big issue of theirs, and I have been around or involved with those types forever. If I could get it down, just to a basic thought pattern, like I had, until I got so sick, a few days ago, and then heard about that last guy, which why the worst was the last, I don't know, that I met, before I found any information, is something, as well. I am sure it was meant to be, but today, is a mixed up day. I would love to talk to you, on the phone, skype, I don't know how to do. I had made up my mind that the only thing about them was that there was nothing that is consistent, and just to avoid them, and then I found out the last guy was over at my friends house, after months of him being away from visiting them, it is her husbands brother, and now I feel like I don't want to talk to her as much, and she is not the problem, and then I put the lady in her place on the phone, and she was disrespectful, and I usually don't say, no , that is not it, you are wrong, but I did. I can take notes, when you have time, but I feel so anxious, and tired, and maybe still getting well, from the food poisoning, but I was ok, til I heard he was back and the food poisoning, but I am stuck in my house as my son is using my car. I made up my mind to take a class, get organized, and cannot understand how one guy was so damaging, and probably purpously, or not, whatever, but also so many from the past, and I was just frozen, for so long. I could take a valium, and may, but I want to get back to being not nervous, upset, I am sure I am well, but why now, when I was over the most of it, did the thoughts of that man, bring all the rush of the waves over me, again, temporarily. My phone number , I can give you, or my email is above, feel free to write, i need your help, when you have time. these people, so many of them drawn to me like steel to a magnet, all my life, am sick of dealing with them, males, and females, but know I am so strong now, and will make it. Let me know what to read at this point, or if you can chat, thanks mary
Yes, I will email you and we can chat by phone.
When you say: "but why now, when I was over the most of it, did the thoughts of that man, bring all the rush of the waves over me, again, temporarily."
I can certainly relate, as many of us can. It shows the value of having the abuser out of your life, and him/her being out of your mind. No contact with an abuser has a healing effect. We get back to "normal" and feel so much better.
But then he/she re-enters our lives, even on the fringes, and I like how you describe it, like a "rush of waves". I can direct you to Dr. Rhonda Freeman, who has a 1-hour audio that describes some of what you are expressing: https://loveyourstory.org/neuroscience-pathological-love-relationships/.
There are therapists and other professionals who can help you, but as for me, I've never taken that route. Many of them don't understand sociopathy and the effects on victims, especially over a long-term relationship. Some survivors are able to get good help from therapy, so that may be good for you.
Just me, personally… Two abusers have recently re-entered my life; one on the fringe and the other in my livingroom. There are some, due to parenting and co-grandparenting issues, you have to have contact with. I relate the "waves" that wash over you, nearly pulling you down into a riptide of ill health.
I'm learning to enjoy the waves, if that doesn't crazy… it shows me where I'm still weak. It causes me to renew my mind again, to tell my story again. I cannot afford to give that person any of my emotion, because our soul energy, no matter whether it's positive or negative, feeds the beast. So in their presence I emit no emotion. I am cool and businesslike, to the best of my ability.
This person tries to get me into his reality, through friendship and by playing nicey-nice. I refuse to be nicey-nice with him, because I will not accept his reality – it's insanity. Even if it makes me look unkind, cold, or whatever… I will not play his game anymore.
We can talk and you can share anything you like. I really enjoy how you face the facts without judging yourself. When you've been frozen for so long, when emotions first begin thawing, it's hard to judge what is good or bad. It feels like a roller coaster sometimes. You're okay.
I like how you are talking here, too… about whether to take a valium or not, because although the thawed out emotions can be hard to handle, you still want to feel and not be numbed out.
There's a woman I think you will enjoy getting to know. Her name is Joyce Lagana, and she is a minister. But more than that, she was abused all of her life, married two sociopaths, and was frozen… and this year she thawed out. She opened her heart and lives in increasing joy and freedom.
She has been telling her story since last winter, and you can find her at http://weepinghearts.com/climbing/…. maybe scan through her archives and read a few stories. Sometimes you just need to know you're okay, you're normal, and it's going to be all right.
You might even consider starting a blog of your own… you can be anonymous in doing so. Telling your story is marvelously freeing. If you do, let me know, and I'll visit and read on a regular basis.
I will send you an email now… thanks so much for coming by!