Choosing Life
By: Joyce Lagana
In the "Write to Freedom" series, where readers become writers!
Joyce has contributed this story as part of the "Write to Freedom" Mini Memoir course. It's a brave story, and although painful in the telling, she has given me permission to publish here, because she knows the power of a story to save, heal, and set people free. Joyce was a victim of an abortion, first as a fetus herself, and also as one who has had an abortion. She now fights to protect women and to make sure everyone has the information they need to make a loving choice, a choice for life. Restoration multiplied many times over is coming to her as she writes, for the little girl she used to be is having a whole lot of fun, leading her to Joy and Creativity that had previously been locked up and put on hold. No more – LOVE WINS!
In 1983, I was married to a 46 year old divorced man. I was 29 with a 6 year old daughter from a previous marriage. It is amazing to me how quickly men drop their masks when they become married. He revealed his true nature almost immediately as a bully who ruled through terror and intimidation. I had become pregnant almost immediately after we were wed and within a month after the discovery he decided that my pregnancy was a threat to our marriage, and he told me that it was either the pregnancy or the marriage. In hindsight I should have chosen the pregnancy, but under some misguided interpretation of ‘an obedient wife’, I made an appointment with an abortion clinic located in Denver.
They weren’t hard to find – I just looked in the yellow pages under ‘Abortion’. My understanding of an abortion at the time was pretty limited. I knew that if I had one, I wouldn’t have a baby. I didn’t think of the fetus as being alive, or even a human being yet somewhere deep inside of me it just felt wrong. I couldn’t figure a way to get out of it and, at that point, I was operating in fear. My new husband was a bully and he wanted his way, and I was afraid of what would happen if I said no. I was to discover my husband responded to ‘no’ with intimidation, threats and violence.
I was unable to approach my own family for help or guidance. They were often so judgmental and uninterested in my life that talking with them just did not seem like an option. In truth, I do not believe I could get past the shame of my predicament – married to a hateful, violent man who wanted to murder my baby.
My appointment with the abortionist was within a couple of days of making the call and my husband went with me to make sure I followed through with the abortion. It was all very efficient, professional and sterile. The clinic turned out to be a suite of offices in a Denver office building. I signed in, sat down in a room full of women, and waited my turn. When I was called the nurse gave me a gown, told me to change into it and lie on the table. The doctor arrived shortly, positioned me correctly on the table and began the procedure. It was over in a matter of minutes. There was a sound of a small vacuum cleaner, then nothing. The nurse picked up a jar from the floor at the end of the table and covered it with a cloth and proceeded to leave the room. I remember wondering why she was covering it up – what was in there that she didn’t want me to see? I also remember she looked at me sort of quizzically, and I wondered what she was thinking.
The doctor washed up and turned back to me. At the time, I was staring at the ceiling. I suppose I might have been in shock, except that I remember it so vividly. It was then that the doctor slapped my face and told me to pull myself together. I hadn’t realized I wasn’t together. I wasn’t crying or even upset.
Perhaps he was just another violent, abusive bully. The nurse re-entered and the doctor left. The nurse took my blood pressure, told me to relax for a few minutes, and she’d be back. She returned about ten minutes later and took my blood pressure again. Then she told me to get dressed – I could go home.
At no time did I receive counseling about the decision I had made, the nature of the abortion, or the possible consequences. I didn’t have the opportunity to talk with anyone who had had an abortion. I have hidden the truth for so long, buried deep within me so far, that I never even grieved my loss.
The abortion has colored my entire life. I never acknowledged to anyone that it had happened. I only mentioned it once to the child’s father and his reaction was so negative that I did not reach out again to anyone until I heard about the work the Texas Justice Foundation was doing in attempting to overturn Roe V. Wade. I contacted them to let them know that I was interested in helping with their efforts.
The woman who returned my call was so compassionate that I just opened up to her and finally, for the very first time, I cried for my baby. For 17 years I kept my secret and never mentioned it to anyone or allowed anyone close enough to find out. I had so much bitterness and suppressed anger because of what I let that man bully me into that I never even let myself think about my baby. The secrecy, shame, anger and bitterness have affected all of my relationships. I have been unable to trust, unable to share any part of myself. I’ve been very careful not to become closely attached to anyone or anything for fear I might lose them. I have been described as a very reserved woman. I am not reserved – I am terrified!
I am no longer married to the child’s father. I filed for legal separation after he physically attacked me for saying ‘no’ to sex. He had raped me in the past and wasn’t above doing it again. This time I fought back and as he held his hand around my neck, pressing my head to the floor I didn’t care if I died. All of the anger that I had suppressed for so long welled up within me and I won my freedom.
During our separation he attacked my daughter and was under a restraining order from having any contact with her whatsoever. He also attacked our 8 year old son during one of his visitation weekends. After living apart for one year he filed for a divorce, which I did not contest.
If I could talk with a woman thinking of having an abortion, I’d tell her to examine all of her options more closely. I’d tell her about the shame, the feeling of loss, the longing for and wondering about the child, the incredible sadness. Women (and young girls) who are considering abortion need to be warned – it is a life changing experience from which they will never be free. While it releases them from the temporary pressures and trials of an unwanted or unexpected pregnancy, it is permanently scarring.
They will never be the same.
I can talk about this today only because of my Wonderful Counselor, Jesus Christ. He began a healing work in my on that warm August day in 2000 when I finally wept over my baby. For several months He led me through scripture and counseled my heart, bringing comfort and forgiveness and wrapping me in His arms of love. I finally laid my baby to rest in 2004 with a memorial service, and I am now free.
Joyce Lagana
Joyce Lagana is an abortion survivor who ministers the love of God to others who have suffered emotional and physical trauma, Joyce speaks from 15 years’ experience of Christ’s counseling and healing. Her heart burns for the suffering of women, particularly those who are the walking wounded of abortion and abuse.
Since discovering the truth of God’s love and the incredible deliverance and liberation of the Wonderful Counselor, she shares her testimony and encourages others to experience the love of God through scripture verses and sound Biblical principles. She has a B.S. in Christian Counseling, a Master’s degree in Theology and is currently a Doctoral candidate.
A retired federal manager who lives with her husband in Waldorf, MD, she has three children and four grandchildren. Her ‘retirement days’ are full as she cares for home and husband and writes spiritually evocative vignettes while taking time out to minister the love of Christ to others through prayer, praise, and Bible study.
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