Choose Life
By: Laura
In the "Write to Freedom" series, where readers become writers!
Editor's Note: Laura is a member of our "Write to Freedom" mini-memoir eCourse, and she wishes to share with us her life story, with the message: Choose Life. Like most survivors of a lifetime of abuse, the simple act of saying, "I choose life!" is a declaration of independence. It's a statement of solidarity, joining her hands to ours in this circle of life. Will you open your hand and receive Laura's, in reading her short story and sharing a comment for her below?
Thanks so much, Sue.
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Laura's Story:
The day I entered the world, I was only a child. I was supposed to have a normal happy life, but my parents decided otherwise.
Growing up, I didn't understand all the negativity in my home. Something was horribly wrong; I just didn't know what.
My mother was always drunk, threatening to kill herself. She used to say to me: "One day you'll come home and you won't find me anymore."
I went to school and dreaded coming back home. What if this time my mother took enough pills and was dead? What will I do without her?
I never knew what to expect, but I knew what I wanted. I needed to feel loved.
My greatest wish was to see my parents laughing, holding hands, spending quality time with me.
Instead, all I got was neglect and scorn. Scandals and violence were a daily routine. When my father came home late one night, my mother locked him out. I remember being in my bed, trying to get to sleep. My heart sank when I heard my father pressing the door knob, trying to enter the house. From behind the locked door, my mother was yelling and cursing at him.
I thought all children were going through the same ordeal. At school, I didn't understand why my colleagues were so eager to finish class and go back home.Their eyes were sparkling with joy at the thought of reuniting with their parents.
At that age, I didn't ever think about my parents as abusers. I lived in horror, but I didn't question their weird behaviour.
You might wonder if I had nobody to help me. I do have a lot of cousins, aunts and uncles, but they didn't care. Although they knew what I was going through, they turned a blind eye.
I could have run away from home, but that thought never crossed my mind. I never took a wrong path: no smoking, no drinking, no teenage pregnancy. I never looked for false shelters.
Years went by, and each step to adulthood brought me freedom and clarity. From the internet, I found out that I had been abused, that I could have had a whole different life.
Now I'm emotionally detached, and my healing and my strength coming from within. I'm a survivor refusing to be a victim.That's not denial. It's moving on. I choose life.
I'm writing my story because I want other survivors to know they are not alone. I'm breaking the silence.
Thank you, Laura, for your boldness in sharing your story and for encouraging all of us to choose life!
{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Laura,
My heart goes out to you. I can only imagine the pain you suffered growing up. It is so wonderful you are on the path of overcoming. I grew up in a God-fearing family however I still craved for physical touch and love. I knew my parents loved me but they never told me they did. They never gathered me in their arms and gave me a hug. I was a teenager before I realized that was missing in our home.
I just spent a few days with one of my cousins and her husband. Her mother was my Dad's sister. She said the same thing. Her mother never hugged her or expressed her love. My Mother is still living, age 93 right now. It has been only in the last 10 years that she has been able to verbally express her love to me.
Fortunately I married a man whose family expressed love with hugs (but not so much words.) I had to learn to accept the hugs and touch although it was a struggle yet I longed for it. Yes, it caused problems in our marriage but it has survived for over 53 years. Yes, I am 71 years old so could be a Grandma to you. It thrills me that you are overcoming at age 33 and can move forward for the rest of your life.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am thrilled that you now have a relationship with Jesus and can accept His love. Blessings abound for you. If you need a Grandma, I'm here.
Pat, your words are so tender and full of life and love – thank you!
It seems like a whole generation – perhaps from Victorian traditions handed down – raised us with care, but without outwward expressions of love (hugs and words). I, too, was one of those raised without hugs and kisses, without I love you’s. I remember going to church and the pastor’s wife hugged and I couldn’t figure out what to do with my arms!
I’m so glad we are learning to give and receive love today, and your family is certainly an example to follow. All the miracles that have taken place in your home – praise God!
Thanks for encouraging Laura!
Such vibrant energy flowing between us,Susan andPat! Love flourishes when expressed with both hugs and words.Why keep it all in? It's a treasure that can't be stolen,so share it and spread it.
I feel it, too, Laura – thank you for sharing your love! xxxoooxxx
Laura,
It is so good to know that you have found the healing power of God and that you are sharing your story. So many will be helped as they realize they are not alone and that it is possible to be whole. Keep telling your stories and moving forward in truth. We stand with you in your fight.
Joyce
Thanks, Joyce… you are one who know… thanks 🙂
So good to know you support my faith in god.My parennts are atheists.Just now,my father said something so horrible about god,that i had to stop him.I told him i'm a believer.When i confronted him,he started laughing sarcastically and mocking god even more.Furthermore,he said he wasn't talking to me.He did not care that i was there and i was hearing him.He does it all the time.He talks to somebody else in my presence,saying nasty things about me.Then,i'm not allowed to react,as the words were not adressed directly to me.
My father had open heart surgery.He was on the brink of death and god brought him back,and he still defies god.Up to this day,he thinks doctors and money saved him.
Your family has been such a heavy toxic atmosphere for you… you’re like one of those exquisite flowers growing in an arid desert, growing all the more beautiful for the barren environment surrounding you. Your story is beautiful – dark, yes – but only in the context of displaying God’s glory, even in one of the darknest places.
I am truly blessed to hear more of your story, Laura – I hope you continue to share more. Your voice is needed 🙂
My blood was boiling when i wrote this.Now i've calmed down,but the sting is still there.When god has done so much for my father,how can he be so ungrateful?What is the reason behind his malice?My voice is scattered all over the internet,as i've contributed with comments on blogs dealing with the topic of abuse.I feel an urgent need to tell people what's happening to me,but i couldn't take up all the space in your blog.If you wish to read my comments,i can give you a list of blogs,but i'll do it in my private email.One day,i'll write a book,but all in their due time.
The stingers of abuse fill us with toxins, just as a hornet or wasp or snake… It can take more than one or two sharings of your story to help drain the toxins and diffuse the mines. Your blood boiling – all that rage – needs a place to go. You are welcome to keep sharing, as much as you like here. Be raw, be real – I’m listening, Laura 🙂
Thanks, Laura – I would love to know you better 🙂
Oh Laura! I'm so sorry you had to grow up this way. I also spot many similarities in your upbringing as compared to mine. I was verbally and emotionally abused growing up, but no one else knew about this. My parents put on a brave, happy face when someone else was around and we were a happy-go-lucky family. Kudos to you for sharing! And even greater to you for working on this healing journey and being the person you were meant to be!
There is incredible pain in seeing the “mask” parents (one or both) put on when other people are around. I’m so sorry you had to grow up with this pain, Clarissa!
I remember the moment when I mentally processed a similar scene to what you describe so well, Clarissa – the desperate wanting for my mom to always be so nice and caring as she was when we had company. It’s an invisible wound that hurts very much, both at the time, and throughout life. I can see the depth of compassion you have, Clarissa – thank you so much for sharing today!
If i can do it,you can do it too.I just visited your blog.Continue the healing cycle!
Oh, my dear sweet child! I am so sorry that you had to survive such a childhood. I am the Mother to two of the most precious daughters in the world. They are now grown and we had adopted them as infants. I often wonder if their childhood would have felt the pain that you have endured. Please continue to grow in the knowledge that you are precious and that you are a survivor. You will be loved and I am sure that you will be breaking this chain of abuse. You will continue to learn to be a nurturing, loving person.
What amazing, life-giving words, Cindy – thank you so much!
I agree with you, Laura is breaking her silence, and that is initiating a whole chain of events, including breaking the abuse cycle. She is blessing the next generation, for certain!
Such healing words,Cindy and Susan!
Thanks, Laura – you are a woman with healing in your story – I hope you continue sharing more! I would love to know how old you are, if you feel like sharing … just general age… 20’s, 30’s, etc… 🙂
I'm 33 and proud of my age.No stigma related to old age for me.When i'll be 77, i'll still declare my age.
I am 53 years oldish…. 33 is a good time of life. Thanks for sharing, Laura!
By the way, when would you say your biggest "wake up" moment was? The time when you realized you could change the course of your life?
My wake-up moment began with my intuition,when god whispered in my heart:that's not how your life should be.Something is terribly wrong.Go find out what it is.'By chance,i stumbled acrosss a blog on the internet on the topic of abuse.As i gathered information,all the fog was gone.I realized i was the one seeing the elephant in the room,and i did not believe anyone who told me my parents were ok and i was too sensitive.There were many people trying to pass the fault with me,but i kept fighting for my truth.And believe me,it was not easy.
“I kept fighting for my truth.” <-- Yes, yes, yes! You speak, most definitely, like one who is overcoming, Laura!
I know exactly how it feels to wonder if you will turn 16 without a parent. I'm spotting a lot of similarities in our upbringing. Now that I am reading it through your eyes, I am realizing that this one parent was actually abusive. Instilling that kind of fear into your kids is one of the most cruel things parents can do. It is possible that psychological problems were the culprit, I don't know.
Thanks for sharing your story. It serves as a reminder to always be mindful of my kids whatever the situation is in my home.
Thanks, Zee – I’m sorry you had to experience this, as well. It is one of the most cruel things a parent can do – it’s the opposite of love. It’s worse than hate, really… it’s murdering a soul, every single day of her life. It’s truly miraculous she is recovering. And I’m glad you are, too!
Hi Zee, as i see it, the problem was my parents' blindness and immaturity, plus violent nature.Every couple fights, but it shouldn't be done in front of the child.I witnessed more than fighting.I'm talking about an ugly display of rage,with objects thrown at each other and everything.They should have taken their problems elsewhere, like 2 adults.
Sometimes children never mature, they just inhabit adult bodies… and they raise children. It’s beyond sad. You describe this reality so well, Laura – thank you for your courage. I know you are touching hearts with “me too” moments, and you’re helping others to not feel alone. Great job!
A very powerful story, one that many can relate to I am sure. Keep moving towards the light, you are not alone.
Thanks, Wayland 🙂
Great to have you as a friend,Wayland.How can i be alone with someone like you by my side?
Wayland is the BEST! 🙂
Hi Laura,
Did someone help you? How far along are you in recovery?
Thanks for coming by, Candace!
Hi Candace,
I did not go to therapy and i never will.My heart is broken,but my brain is intact.Yes,somebody did help me,and that was GOD.When i was a child,only God took care of me.As for humans,they didn't give a damn about me.GOD gave me strength and made sure i won't crumble.As to how far i've come in my recovery,you can see it for yourself.
Laura,
It may be hard for most people to believe your testimony, but I believe you, because I share a very similar story – of God rescuing me, just He and me together. It truly is possible, and is perhaps the best way to be healed! Maybe not the best, because I know He enjoys using people to help… but when there are NONE, He is ABLE!
Dear Laura,
It takes a lot of courage to publish your story, sharing your heart vulnerably. You bring up some very important points:
1. All children deserve to be loved and need unfailing love.
2. The abuse seemed normal to you, and due to the silence of aunts and uncles, you accepted your abusive reality without running away or seeking the common "false shelters" as you call them.
3. You experience a sense of "numbness" and "detachment" from the emotional trauma. This may be, possibly, due to dissociation – or what smart kids do to survive emotional trauma. I know I was numb for many years, and then I began to feel the pain – but with the pain, I could also feel joy again. I was glad for the "awakening" of feeling my emotions, even though it was heavy at first.
4. You just wanted to have happy, loving parents. That is every child's dream, I believe. In fact, it is the subject of my next story!
I can tell you are working through your life story in a healthy way, for you have referred me to your favorite website, and although I am unfamiliar with it, it's good to explore healthy ways to experience the abundant life that is our inheritance!
I know your story will encourage others, Laura. Most people read and do not comment, but they will take your words to heart. Even if it's just one person you have helped to have the courage to share their story, even anonymously, you have done well in sharing. I hope you, also, feel a greater sense of liberty seeing your words in print! 🙂
Thanks again, Laura!
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