How Changing My Thoughts Changed Me

How Changing My Thoughts Changed Me

By: Miriam

Miriam is the pen name of a reader, who shares with us part of her story. I hope you will encourage her by commenting in the box at the bottom. You can be anonymous, if you wish!

For as long as I can remember, mirrors have held a special fascination for me. I discovered that perception is everything. I realized that a thought could change how I looked in the mirror, in a matter of seconds.  

If the thought made me think I did not look right, I didn't, so if I changed the thought, and looked in the mirror, and it was a positive one, in just a couple seconds, minutes, whatever, I could change my thought, and suddenly look just fine. 

I changed my thoughts, and the new perspective changed my reality.

I realized that most of how I thought about my whole life was a perception thing. I also learned that things are not always the way that other people think. We all have our own perceptions of reality.

I tend to over-think. I know that I can think so many possibilities for one situation, because I truly do care to get it right, that I can exhaust myself, and have, and did, so much, that it was pointless. 

I'm learning to trust that God has me where He wants me, in this moment, for a reason. The way I look at it, I'm here to learn the lessons He's set up for me. 

I am His kid, and He loves me, and always has, and for whatever reason, that is the thing that this is for, is to Glorify Him. I am writing my story because it gives Him glory.

 As I write my story, I am changing my perspective, which changes my reality.

A "beautiful loser" is how I used to perceive myself. But now I have changed my thoughts. I am a sensitive woman with a big heart. As a child I was so sensitive that I couldn't bare to see insects suffer. I let mosquitoes bite me and I picked up bugs in the road and took them to safety in the grass. I wish I had cared for myself so well.

My low self-esteem is one reason I attracted jealous and angry men who made me suffer every day.

I need to be disconnected from anyone who continually makes me think dark thoughts.

I used to be so afraid to enter my own house, so I entered by the back door, hoping to avoid being noticed. A dark presence haunted that house and I could barely breathe. I drank gallons of coffee just to catch my breath, and wine, to sleep. My husband's eyes were empty – like he had no soul. He would look at me with a blank stare. His mother was no different.

His mother tried to convince me to put his name on my house, but at least I had enough sense to see through her controlling ways. It was like he was married to her, and not me.

I swallowed all my pain because I didn't want my abusers to see me suffer. My body suffers, as a result. 

Thoughts are powerful – they can even make you sick.

I am learning not to hold it all in, and I'm just starting to tell my story. I hope by letting it out, one story at a time, that all this anxiety and pain will drain away.

I live like a recluse, afraid to trust anyone these days. I'm afraid of my judgment. I would like to get married and enjoy a healthy relationship. My doctors told me I had a major depression and I was living on disability, but I'm ready to re-enter life again. 

So I am learning to change my thoughts, just like I did as a child. I want to enjoy healthy relationships and be happy again.

Love,

Miriam

All Rights Reserved. Do not copy.

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Miriam November 11, 2014 at 1:24 pm

Hi, all, and thank you all for everything you are doing, and writing.  I went to the store to the deli, today, to get my son, who is Not, one of these evil ones, thank God.    I am so aware of people now, and do I think all the weird ones, lol, are indeed evil, no way.  I came home, and told my son, that I was in line to get what he wanted for lunch.  I saw the way the customers acted, some of them, and I could see, yes, they are weird, sociopaths, maybe, maybe not, but I saw a man who was older than me, say, to the deli lady, he wanted the two pieces of chicken, the two small ones, so she said these?  He said, no, not those, I will take the really large one, over there, and she said this one?  He said, well, let me see, no I don't want any of those, I will wait, til the next batch comes out here.  I stood back, patiently, and I know what I was thinking, lol, I was thinking, Really?, Really, now those pieces of chicken, and the ones that aren't here yet, those are worth that?  Then when he left, I told the girl, there was no way that I could do her job, no matter what she made, it was not something I could do.  She smiled, and she said, really, the most of the people are pretty nice, and then she smiled, and said, that she thought before someone worked there, they should work with the public, before they did this job.  I told her I had, pleanty of jobs, and that I always did my job, and never said anything to anyone, just held it in, and for a while, had very high blood pressure.  I took my son't lunch, and came home, and he said, didn't you get any chicken, for you?  I said no, I don't eat meat, lol, and I am warning, you, and this is a warning, lol, this has nothing to do with you, but learning why, and finding out how, I got involved with the people I did is an education in itself.  So, I told him, about the guy at the deli.  I know he has gone there with his Dad, my first husband, that I am sure is not one of these creeps, he in fact was the victim of several female versions, worse than my male versions, in life.  They were so bad, that when he was sound asleep, in towns he had to move away from them, in, they some how would call in the middle of the night, get his unlisted number, and threaten him, so he could not get back to sleep, so yes, there are females that do the same as males.  My ex in law, maybe two or three of them, ,   in the family were females.  Actually, when I think about it, these people really are confusing, it is like they are all the same, no real definition, other than that, the same, just different degrees of screwed up.  I dated one years back, another mommas pet, and she was not as bad as the inlaw mom, she liked me, so did her husband, now I know why.  He had been in an institution for a while, probably because he was kind, sensitive, and she was not, but I appealed to her, as a friend, and for what ever reason, I gave him some peace, and actually the one that would get unsettled was the son, that I was dating at times, think I can see that now, too.  Anyway, so , when  I told my son about the guy , he said, you don't think my dad was like that , or is, do you, and I just looked at him, and told him, that I was kind of like a rattlesnake, and the warning is that until I get this down, out, or whatever, it is like my rattle is rattling, that is the warning, even though I know he is not like these creeps.  He said, Mom, that would be the last guy, he would be like that, not my Dad.  Do you really think my Dad would say, no, I don't want the chicken, I will wait?  I said, well, what does he say?  He said, he says a little rice, a couple pieces of chicken, and ok, that's fine, my Dad is not like that.  I said, that is good, I was sure not, but now I know.  I also walked out the door with him, and said, I think it is the reaction of women, and men, after being with creeps to think that all are creeps, and again, I told him, that women don't like to be with guys like that, nor do men want women that scare them, either.   So, here I am, sitting in my kitchen window, in the small town setting that I visit on occasion.  I live in the wilderness, really, always have, but if I can help, and heal, and be, that is just fine.  I have my bodyguard.  I have One that goes before me, behind me, and ahead of me.  I have a God that does not sleep or change, and I am blessed.  Peace, from me to you all.  Miriam

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Susan Schiller November 12, 2014 at 5:42 am

I see you have another chapter here, Miriam… I’ll be back soon!

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Miriam November 10, 2014 at 8:15 am

Hi, and thank you Susan, for once again, all you are, and all you are doing.  I guess that the part of being an overcomer, and just being, is a way of life for me, from birth, really.  I do it for survival, and I do it to refuse to let the opressors seem to win, even though as I find me more, I see how that type of person does not have much depth to them at all.  That part baffles me, in a way, as male, female, young, old, how the power that they have can be so toxic, yet at the same time, they are not people of depth, or is that , again, perception, or does it vary in the degree the person is in their stage, or tier , whatever it is, that they have.  I remember reading once, not sure where, that Hitler is one of the extreme versions of this type of monster.  I use to hate to see anything about him, and what he did, when I was a child, and as now, even then, perception was, and is a thing that , as I get older helps me to get it straight, if there is such a thing, maybe with me, myself, but I am pretty sure, that with these people, there is nothing that is constant, please, any of you that read anything that you know helps, direct, or correct or inform me, of any constants, that I can look for, it is healing to know that we all care about each other.  I also have this thing, that I feel they put themselves up higher than anyone, in order to feel superior in their heads, and they are so screwed up, that it is almost funny, now to me, at times, but at others, I can feel righteous anger, that I know is truly righteous, welling up inside me.  A friend told me of the last , worst creep, that she introduced me to, asking about me, and my kids, not long ago, and I did keep my mouth shut, but it was all I could do , to not say, you tell him, to never ask about me, or my family again, to not look to see what cars are in my house, and to not mention my name, ever, or I will call my friend that is a cop, and have him arrested for total harassment.  Then, I called my youngest child, and told her to never ingage with him, if he would try to ever talk with her, about anything, anywhere, anytime.  She called later, and said Mom, I know, you taught me, how to avoid people my age, are you ok, you taught me about a guy I work with, I got your "rant", I know, I get it.  By then, I thought, yep, she did get it, and I told her, if I went through all this stuff, to help you not to, it was worth it.  I wish I knew this when I was your age, but probably would not have known unless I went through exactly every second of the learning phase, which hopefully will keep me aware not to be tricked again.  I went to a public place, a hair salon, not too long ago, and I caught myself being different, Yay:)  I saw a man , about my age, walk in, and at one time, I would have smiled, said hi, and I thought, nope, no more, not me, not now, not sure ever, at least not til I get this down.  For some reason, that alone, along with wanting to see the best in people was a pitfall, for me, saying hi, to guys that were creepers, lol.  I also had jobs in my life, I am a hairstylist, by trade, and had to step back from it for a while.  I use to attract guys like that, when I did hair too.  I cared to give excellent haircuts, and cared about people, still do, but I got a few stalkers by doing hair, that made my ex , the worst, and maybe the only real creep, before this last creature, look like the kid next door, growing up, and now that I think about it, one of them was one of these creeps, too.  He became a very abusive husband to a friend of mine, now, actually, the one that introduced me to this last winner.  I see how I attract them, I do, but , yet, I do not want to change to become hard, totally, as I have always been able to help people , kids, elderly, some ladies, by being able to give them insight, somehow, that they could not see.  My ex, not sure if he was so manipulated by his Mom, that he was so damaged himself, or if they were both totally a test , but the good news is , my youngest child is ours together.  She can see things about the other side of her family, but I don't say, yep, that is a real fact, or be mean, as I know God used every second of my time to make me aware, and not give up on Him.  There were times that what I had concrete, was my dog, who pretty much did, and still does, gives me motivation, some times more than others.  I wondered why at the time, that the last evil one was in my home, a bit, the dog seemed to like him.  Now, I know, it was not that at all.  He was right there, all 165, or 170 pounds of him, between me and him, wherever we were when he visited here, and if I would have needed him, he would have been a lethal force against that creep.  The last time he was here, was over a year ago, thank God, and I had enough, totally.  He was saying things that were more screwed up, than I had ever heard in my life from anyone, and I have always known that I could hear and not react to most anything.  I don't call names, hardly ever, but I could hear my voice and I had enough.  I called him, dumb, stupid, and not sure one other name, in about thirty seconds, and realized that the dog, my best friend was outside, and I was not.  I totally shut up, he tried to get me to say more, I did not, I said nothing, and just hushed, and pretty much shut down.  That presence was , as I have heard, and it is true, would make me be exhausted, not feel well, physically, emotionally, or spiritually, and definitely like I was trapped, it was different than the trapped when I walked in the back door, when married to the mommas son, or what ever he was, but still not a very easy thing to handle.  When I was in the presence of the last one, I felt like he was trying to corner me, even if I was on the phone, always causing resistance, or in person, almost like a boa constrictor was trying to keep me bound, and more than that, slowly tightening his grip on my life.  When he left, after keeping me at the kitchen table, probably trying to see if he could find a way to keep me forever, he would say, I should leave, but he wouldn't, it was so stupid.  my youngest said later, when he was here, it was weird, and I said it was, but how I did not know it, way sooner is now, so clear, but yet, I have knowledge that I did not have then.  When he would leave, he would say, something, like, Well, I will go and give you your life back for a while, and that hit me, and I would create distance, and each time, I would think, he is nice, it must be me, but he was not nice.  One time, I heard me, say, do you think I am stupid?  It was almost as if I was hypnotized, not good, so exhausted, and I would say, I am so tired, and he would say things like if you keep saying it, you will be tired, what a test!!  Then, I remember telling my son, who was at work, about how I said dumb, stupid, whatever, and he said, Mom, that guy is a neanderthal, not sure what he meant, exactly, but kind of, and he said, you don't call someone stupid, or dumb, especially if they are.  I said, I very rarely call anyone names, and I said, when I was young, and married to your Dad, not the second one, the one that was my man I married for life, he was not a evil guy, but he had lots of evil women, lol, that gave me hard times, and him worse, anyway, I said I use to call your Dad names, lots of them, and they never bothered him.  He said the difference is, my Dad is smart, this guy IS dumb, that is the difference, don't do it again, could you tell he was upset, and I said, yes, and the dog was outside.  He said, Mom, I am sure many women have been in bad situations, and that was what they did, do not, and he repeated it, do not do it again.  I told my youngest, that story, and she tells her friends, that are females, if she learned one thing from her big brother , it is not to call someone that is abusive in any way, any name.  That was the last time the guy was here.  Then he called me on the phone, and again my voice got loud, and he said, his final remarks, to me, he told me that maybe it was me that needed anger management.  I agreed, and said yep, you are right, I do.  I know I don't but why is it, now that when my friend says he asked about you, and saw your car was gone, I want to tell her to tell him how much I hate him, or if not him, who he stands for.  She does not like him, not from what I have said, because I tell her nothing of this, or my research, whatever, she isn't dumb,, but she is finding out that he is a creep, and still when she says things, I want to either shut up, or start to yell.  Does anyone know what that is?  One thing, is I know, or think I do, is that I want her to let him know I don't like him, but he knew that from me, so what is it, other than a test?  I remember when I asked him if he thought if I was stupid, and I was so exhausted, and he said, believe me, you are anything but stupid, so I would hear things, and take mental notes, now I know why, to share them here, and ask you to tell me the answers as well.  Peace, Miriam

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Susan Schiller November 10, 2014 at 4:02 pm

Miriam, you said, “I wish I knew this when I was your age, but probably would not have known unless I went through exactly every second of the learning phase, which hopefully will keep me aware not to be tricked again.” … Me too… I wish I had known about this when I was younger, but the next generation will have our shoulders to launch from, through our collective experiences. It is worth is, to know we’re making a difference, for them!

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Wayland November 9, 2014 at 7:26 pm

I hope you will tell more of our story, not only for yourself, but for others too.

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Susan Schiller November 9, 2014 at 7:36 pm

Yes, indeed – thanks, Wayland 🙂

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Susan Schiller November 9, 2014 at 4:00 pm

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” – Marcel Proust

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Susan Schiller November 9, 2014 at 4:02 pm

Miriam, thank you for sharing your precious heart with us! It feels risky to bare our hearts, to be naked and unashamed, but liberating as well. When I read this quote by Marcel Proust, I thought of you and how you are having "new eyes" by changing your thoughts! 🙂

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Miriam November 9, 2014 at 5:25 pm

Thank you Susan, so much, for everything you do, say, and are.  The way you reach out to each of us , and me, as a new member is so awesome, and powerful, with His power.  I too, know that power of Him in me and my life, and how He is with me and my family.  I feel so whole, yet at the same time, still wanting to be able to put the healing, insight, power, confidence in Him, new found strength, and His Hope for the future.  It is, as if, I can feel one or more of these, but not all of them at the same time.  I know He is the reason that I made it.  I know He knows the place I am in, strong, yet not ready to be out there in any position to be totally able to stand firm, in any job, and know it is the right time.  He knows when that is and will be.  I find I can cook, eben though, I haven't a whole lot, but things come back, and even with more confidence, than ever before, like bits and pieces of a very large jigsaw puzzle, on a very large table, with the puzzle all one color, and many pieces yet to be put in their spot, but yet, I can see that it is a doable task, and it can and will be done.  My worst thoughts seem to be that I don't ever want to be fooled again by this type of monster, and even though I have met many of them , even had them in my life for seasons, have no idea how the most creepy one was the last one, but yet, I know had I not had that lesson, I would not habe grown, would still be blaming me for ebery bad scene, so to speak, and not have had this victory story to write, word by word. Peace and His Joy, Miriam

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Susan Schiller November 9, 2014 at 6:51 pm

What a testimony, Miriam… that you don’t blame your abusers, life, or anything. Instead, you hold on to the good and press in for the greater. Indeed, you will receive all that you most desire. And your greatest fear is also a clue to your greatest desire… you love goodness, purity, truth, and peace. 

I love how you call this a victory story, one word at a time. To me, this is the most incredible part of your story – that having faced the most defiling, vilest creature, you yet breathe. And more than breathing, you praise. And more than praising, you love.

You are an overcomer, and even though there are parts of life you haven’t yet re-entered, you are taking your time to just simply BE. For in the being you are becoming more than you were. So many of us rush into the doing parts of life. You have a wonderful story, Miriam, and I look forward to hearing more!

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