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As I pray, I wonder, "Is it enough?"
Kara's Story
Living with a narcissist or a sociopath is a day-by-day fight for survival. Often, due to shared child custody and visitation, the abuse never ends; and in fact, the abuse becomes much more subtle, clever, and designed to make you feel like you're going crazy. It's rare to find someone in your immediate circle of friends and family who understand what is happening, so you feel isolated.
It's predictable behavior, every last detail. Evil simply does the same things over and over, and survivors often tell each other, "We married the same man!" Kara's story is a composite story of all the women in my support group… women whose primary calling was to be a full-time wife and mom… women who were cheerleaders for their husbands, leaders in their churches, even pastor's wives… women who "stood" for their marriage for more than two decades, usually closer to three… who purchased all the books and attended all the seminars, who applied the knowledge, but who ended up leaving home and leaving the churches who unknowingly supported the domestic violence.
Once again I will use my voice to speak up for the silent ones, suffering behind closed doors. I take this woman in my heart and carry her to my Father.
Sliding down into her pink satin sheets, Kara lays her head on the sole pillow in the king size bed. Her hand automatically slides over to the vacant spot beside her. If only a headstone could be enough to put a lid on this deep cavern of pain. The music of Kelley Clarkson wafts through the lavender scented air as Kara reminisces of 25 years invested in a relationship that left her emotionally and spiritually scarred. She gazes in this inward mirror and wonders who she truly is… can she even remember?
It's Kara's 25th Silver Anniversary today. Her husband is long gone, but not buried. He's very much alive, like a ghost hissing in her ear the "what if's". Perhaps she might have been able to stop this train wreck.
Eyes closed, her mind drifts back through the years to her wedding day. Luke and Kara met in college and married soon after graduation. Luke had been persistent in his attention of Kara, always at her side at every opportunity. Kara grew to expect his attention, and even to need it, and it wasn't long before Luke popped the question and a gorgeous wedding followed.
In Kara's mind she is touching all the china, crystal, photo albums, and mementos of her life. The candle burning brightly on her nightstand reminds her of the candle Luke and she lit, together as one, pledging to keep the fire of their love burning for all eternity.
Years passed quickly, babies arrived one after the other. Luke was gone for most of their growing up years, and when he was home, he had nothing but criticism for his wife, whose heart was oozing from invisible bruises, stab wounds, and infections from years of verbal abuse. Kara had focused on her children, and they were her source of joy and creativity. But now the house was empty. The kids had grown up and left for college and careers.
She bought more and more books, attended more classes, pursued personal development, inner healing, and deliverance. Her university was life and she was determined to find the keys that would open the door to the abundant, joyful life the Bible promised. Luke was not interested in sharing her discoveries. In fact, his worst tantrums were pulled whenever she had a class to attend, at church.
Luke's career was very demanding. He seemed to always need Kara's comfort, and Luke expected it to be delivered promptly, like a toddler in a 190-pound body. In her heart, Kara had longed for so much more. There must be something more than the daily grind of meeting Luke's incessant demands. Nothing she did was ever good enough. His explosions of rage nearly always ended up with apologies, but with no lasting change!
Luke had all the right words to say to their pastor and marriage counselor. When it seemed Kara could not stand another moment of being Luke's punching bag to release his rage and stress, Kara would dare to think about leaving. She fantasized constantly of a place of beauty and rest… a place where she could lie down and pray. A place where she could truly call "home".
Kara's heart longed for "home". Other men did not interest her; she was not tempted by other men, not even in her innermost thoughts. She was tempted by Romance! She wanted "the dream". Every little girl is born with this dream… she is a princess and her knight in shining armor is completely devoted to her. She doesn't rule him… no. She gladly submits to his leadership and rule in their little kingdom called "home", because her Knight is trustworthy and is always looking into her heart and knowing what her true needs are.
Kara is an unloved wife. Not because she's idealistic and expecting too much. No, indeed, she expects far too little and is well able to put up with far too much. Kara can't help but try to imagine what it would be like to be loved.
She dreams… Her knight in shining armor tells her she always looks lovely, no matter what, in his eyes, even if she's 8-months pregnant and bloated. In fact, with the passing years, she only grows more and more lovely in his eyes and his love for her dazzles her. So much so that her every thought is for him, how to meet his needs and how to make him happy!
Children arrive and he is not jealous of her lavish affection and attention to the wee ones. No, instead he lifts them high up on his shoulders and he tells her, "Go rest my love, while I play with the kids." He gives her a little time off from her full-time job of raising three little children. Now that she's rested, she arises, bathes, and puts on his favorite perfume. Tonight they will make love, not in haste, but in between long caresses and the sharing of their stories, their hopes and dreams, their renewed commitment to each other and their family.
He has listened to her heart over and over and he knows her fears, her hopes, and her dreams. He arrived home to smell one of his wife's specialties, lasagne with a huge garden salad and garlic bread. Her table is set with a lace cloth and candles. The children are running around and the house is a mess but they had committed themselves to sharing one very special meal together every day, and now everything was ready…. so what, if everything's a mess and the dishwasher is broken?
This was her dream, plus so much more!
What happened to the dream? Were her expectations too high? She had read so many books about marriage and raising children. She home schooled her children. She used her lace tablecloths, candles, and china every day! She thought she had created the perfect atmosphere! How, what, why, when… all the pain, the grief, the unanswered questions…
For years, she sought help from her pastors. Luke and she had attended marriage conferences. Six-years ago they had renewed their vows, shortly after one of those conferences! All of their friends had shown up, affirming their love and commitment with powerful words of encouragement, support, and kindness.
He was still charming and sweet, but in a twisted way. He often laid her favorite candy on the bed, as a surprise. But on the same day he would threaten to slice off her breasts with piano wire or he would tell her, "You're nothing without me. You'd never make it in the world without me." Her children only saw the candy treats, the hugs, and heard the sweet words. All the threats took place behind closed doors. Very clever… subtle… deadly. After many years of covering up for him, being the shock absorber, she had to leave… praying her children would choose to come with her.
Many of those friends now blame her for the break up, for Luke has "proven" himself a gentleman. He's become a leader in the church and preaches sermons that cause all the women to pull out their tissues. He's the first to volunteer for any duty at church. When any "widow" at church has a need, he's the first at their door to repair, fix, or build what she needs. Many of her friends used to gush to her, with pure envy, "Kara, you are the luckiest wife! What is it like to be married to Luke?"
Averting her eyes, she smiled and said something non-committal. And then she began to withdraw. Gradually, she pulled back from one activity after another, until finally she stays at home entirely. Isolated, Luke smiles at his wife. He is much bolder now, for he knows her silence and withdrawal means she admits defeat. Smiling, with a leer twisting one corner of his lips, he tells her he doesn't want a divorce. He tells her he loves her.
All the right words, but with no action to back them up. These words come from a hollow man, one with a gaping hole that is never satisfied.
She asks, "Can we pray together?" He responds, "I'm kind of busy right now."
It's not like they never do special things together. Luke and she have scheduled date nights, even vacations together. They celebrated previous anniversaries and everyone thought they were the happiest couple! The ideal husband and wife, is what everyone used to think…
So what went wrong, Kara continues to ponder. The music lulls her to sleep, deep inside her pink satin cave, and she dreams…
Kara is kneeling inside a dark room, deep in the catacombs of a previous life. Before her is a wall covered in pictures, her memories. Like a shrine, she has kept all these mementos to remind her of the hope and dream she once had for her family. It's dark in this room and very cold; nevertheless, Kara continues to kneel in front of this wall, this shrine to her marriage and family dream.
With tenderness and love she touches each photographed face and event, and with tears she strokes the faces of her loved ones. This room is her room alone. She is alone. Surrounded by the people she has loved all her life, she feels a measure of comfort in the familiarity but the ache in her heart never completely goes away.
The doorway to this catacomb is ajar, and through the narrow opening a man's head appears. It's Jesus and he's looking inside with love, with the kind of love she always dreamed of someone having for her. His thoughts are only for Kara. He wants what is best for her and he tells her in a strong, firm voice, "Kara, it's time to go now. Leave this catacomb behind; you've been here too long. It's time for the grief and pain to end. Come with me!"
Kara arises from her knees and shoves her tissues in a pocket. Leaving the catacomb behind, she knows she can return to it at anytime. But she must move on. She will be happy, for there is no other option in the Kingdom of heaven.
Her counselors have told her that her job is to be happy, and in doing so, her children will eventually come to understand she will have her family dream will be resurrected in a far better way than if she had continued playing the "Game".
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Author's Note: Missionaries, pastors, and church members are all experiencing dilemmas like Kara's (not her real name, by the way). To protect "Kara's" identity I have used a composite portrait of her life circumstances, based on listening to dozens and dozens of similar stories of women just like Kara, just like me.
As I prayed for Kara today, the woman who inspired this story, I wept and wept for her, and for all of the women suffering in silence, behind closed doors. As I walked and talked with my Father today, I sensed the presence of Jesus, our Heavenly Bridegroom. I FELT His passion for Kara, for His Bride.
His Bride – His True Bride – is suffering right now. Kara symbolizes who this bride is. She has withdrawn from "church". No one understands this woman who used to be such an active participant in religious activities. She was so zealous! She used to "walk on air" when she arrived in church. First to arrive and last to leave. She loved deeply. She prayed hard. She used to sing, dance, and create artwork. She wrote books. But now she's in the cave, in the catacombs.
And her Bridegroom is calling her out. Out of the caves…. out of the dark crevices of buried memories, hopes, and dreams.
It's time to live the "Great Romance" – the romance of our King!
Why is it that women have this "Great Romance" idea either consciously or subconsciously programmed into the hard drive of our hearts? Why is the marriage and home so much under severe enemy attack?
The plight of these earthly marriages (more than half of Christian marriages end in divorce, these days) is only an image of what is happening in the Spirit realm. The Bride of Jesus Christ has been held captive; she has married the devil, a false husband…. a false system of religion. Call it Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Buddist, or whatever… the religious system will crush true believers.
When a woman who was previously active in church ministry quietly withdraws, or when she begins to finally speak up, how should we respond?
The closer she gets to God and true faith (freedom), the worse her situation becomes! The more intense her persecution, at home, behind closed doors.
The Bride today has few people who understand and even fewer who know the right words to say to comfort her. What she needs is a Truth to counter a Deception in this world that is so great that too MANY CHRISTIANS are blindsided by it! They are caught up in this deception and they don't even know they are perpetuating it in their blindness!
Together let's pray this Darkness is exposed, for until it is, churches are no longer safe for many of us!
With all my love,
Susan
PS Have you ever felt unsafe in church? Or have you ever felt "there must be something more"? Please share with me in the comment box below… I love to hear what you're thinking and feeling!
All my love,
Sue
Susan Schiller knows how it feels to lose everything: marriage and family, church and reputation, finances and businesses, and more. Susan's upcoming, interactive memoir, "On the Way Home," tells the story of how she came to be known as "the most abused woman" her counselors had yet met and how she learned to navigate her way out of hell to a rich and satisfying life. In her lifetime, Susan has served in duties ranging from home school mom – to pastor – to full-time deliverance minister – and to Midwest regional prayer coordinator for a large international ministry. These days you can usually find Susan soaking in her favorite hot springs pool, reading a book (or several), blogging, baking bread, or hanging out with her family and friends. You can get a free copy of Susan's upcoming book, "On the Way Home" by registering here.
Copyright 2012, Susan McKenzie, http://TeamFamilyOnline.com. Permission is granted to copy, forward, or distribute this article for non-commercial use only, as long as this copyright byline and bio, in totality, is maintained in all duplications, copies, and link references. For reprint permission for any commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller.
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