Behind the Scenes at Team Family Online
By: Susan Schiller
Every couple of weeks I leave my laptop behind and go out on a 4-wheel adventure, a hike in the woods, or boating on the pristene and pure waters of Montana. Sometimes you just need to stretch your eyes, catch sight of a new path, and see your life and the world from a different perspective. I take you with me, in my heart.
This past weekend my husband and I took a day trip to the Big Horn River where the bass and trout leap and splash in the water like dolphins. The Big Horn is a majestic river that runs wide and slow through miles and miles of steep canyon cliffs with plenty of coves where fishermen may claim their own watery turf. Floating restrooms are spaced every few miles, along with clean and beautiful camping sites.
It's the sacred dance of life – God's artwork that washes the dust and grime of the world off of our souls and helps us to see the bigger story and how our little story fits into His-story.
I am totally useless without Papa God, and every day I feel like I miss Him. Having more fear than faith, I take these baby steps toward my purpose and goals. My words usually don't come out like I feel them deep in the volcano of my spirit – that place erupting with emotions so powerful I've repressed them for years.
I tell God, "You've got so many people who can speak better, look better, and write better." I am tempted to just live my own little life and be happy. I am unsure of myself in a million different ways.
I know it takes a long time to recover from post-traumatic stress. Even now that I'm away from the stress-makers and in a safe, loving and secure place, there are many days when the volcano erupts and I'm right back in the terror-filled valley of the shadow of death. I wonder if I will ever be totally recovered and whole again. Could I ever be innocent and carefree, as I was as a child so very long ago? Every year, though, it does get better.
I have this fight in me that has never let me give up. It's God and His angels because it sure isn't me. As for me, I'd rather spend my days out in the wilderness looking at flowers, exploring new paths, or reading a book next to a bubbling stream. (I'm not much for fishing!) But even when I take a day off and go to these places, like the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally we went to last week, the one thing I'm thinking most about is you.
Perhaps if there is just one story that will make a difference, that will save a life… or what happens if I don't write it? At the end of my life story on earth, do I want an album full of pretty pictures of exotic places OR an album full of names and pictures of people whose lives were touched by a story that helped bring healing to their hearts? Actually, I want both! So I write at teamFAMILYonline.com, the virtual place that sits on my desk, yet stretches across the globe!
This is what it looks like behind the scenes. I wake up (usually before 5 am) and write… and generally have about 1500 words done before noon. I do the SEO (Search Engine Optimization) as best as I can so that my articles will get picked up by Google. I check my stats, discover what my readers were searching for when they arrived at my little home on the Internet, and what pages they are reading. I like to find out what countries and towns they come from. I read their comments and respond to them.
I take little breaks to walk around the house, water the lawn, drink my Kombucha Tea, stir some homemade soup on the stove, and I bake my own bread. I may hop on the 4-wheeler and take our trash to the dump, stopping at the post office on my way home. A couple times a week I'll drive to the local discount store owned by the Amish community in our neighborhood where I can buy about half of what we need for about half the price of normal stores. This is my social outlet, because as a writer, most of my hours are spent here at my little desk, and I love spending a few minutes with my favorite Amish women!
My goal is radical self-care in dressing the invisible wounds of PTSD while continuing to educate myself about how to recover from sociopathic abuse. Spiritual terrorism is a topic that hardly anyone wants to talk to you face-to-face about, and most people have no idea exists. Unfortunately, most pastors and many therapists have not faced this evil and have not been educated to recognize it, let alone counsel a survivor who is trying to escape or is fighting for her very identity. There A LOT MORE victims than they realize and most victims remain locked in their invisible prison for lack of adequate help and resources.
Fortunately, there are more and more websites and books coming out to help survivors of sociopathic and narcissistic abuse to find the path to healing. A good number of the books and websites are being written by survivors and for survivors. I am just one of them.
It's quite a learning curve… this learning how to write, how to design, manage, and maintain a website, and how to rebuild your life following sociopathic abuse. It feels like I'm getting the equivalent of a PhD in an area that science, religion, and education are only beginning to get insight on. My "thesis" is my work-in-progress, called "On the Way Home".
I like to exercise my brain, so I read a wide variety of books… these are my "now" books that sit in wicker baskets next to my desk. I'm afraid I'm not quite as good at exercising my body, but then doesn't kneading bread dough count for something?? 🙂
I am on the way Home. These days I only want to do what our Father is saying and doing. His invitation has been, "Dance with Me." All these past years of serving Religion, really all He wanted was me… in that place of intimacy. You see, Religion made me feel that I had to have a "gift" and a place to serve, using my gift. Religion kept me busy doing really good things. I was my church's "golden girl" and when I put my mind to something, there's really nothing I couln't do.
In addition to full-time ministry, I've operated heavy equipment within an environmental clean up project. I've flown an airplane. I've lived as an exchange student in a foreign country. I drove a school bus full of football players through downtown Chicago. I worked in a boarding school for troubled teens. I raised three children. I nursed my disabled husband for several years following a spinal cord injury. I owned and operated my own small business.
I used to know how to get things done. I've had big paychecks and small paychecks, but I've always been able to make money… until now. A friend of mine, also a survivor of sociopathic abuse, recently said to me, "Sue, I used to get good grades and was successful at my career, and now it's like my brain won't work. Every day I'm afraid will be the last, at work. I just can't mentally function like I used to."
It's the STRONG women that this happens to. Have you noticed that, too?
People tell me, "Just move on; forget what happened." Like a soldier whose legs were blown off, her eyes burned, we survivors often cannot "just move on". We need intensive care, for most of us have been spiritually terrorized for 2-3 decades. Our bodies look the same as anyone else's – but our spiritual bodies are a bloody mess. So we care for each other and ourselves. There are a growing number of support groups… but you have to be careful… some are traps.
And that's why I'm here. I want you to feel safe. This is the reason I write.
My goal is to write 100 stories of women who have survived and are learning to thrive in the aftermath of spiritual terrorism. In my article, "We're Crossing Over" I share why our stories are going to help create a safer world, and will indeed save lives.
My personal mission is to expose the darkness, the very evil that nearly cost me my own life and that has brought harm to my family and friends, and to slay the dragon of sociopathic abuse in Christian homes. It begins with slaying the dragon inside my own soul. For there would be no sociopaths in control of our churches, communities, and countries if there weren't, first of all, people with a victim mentality that empowers the evil.
The path was laid in my dreams, recorded in dozens of journals, through the years. I've been listening to Papa God's whispers and written them in a journal called, "Love from Papa".
I'm composing this long string of dreams into a single sci-fi fantasy book, called "Moonlight Escape" which is currently underway and will be included in my memoir, "On the Way Home". Moonlight Escape is my "night life" – the place God's Spirit took me as I had vivid dreams each night. Kind of like a parallel world, the dreams showed me how to escape spiritual abuse I was fighting each and every day.
God speaks to us in our dreams.
He speaks in dreams, in visions of the night, when deep sleep falls on people as they lie in their beds. – Job 33:15
On my wall, next to my desk, hangs a painting by David Costello, called "Abiding Presence". (The one pictured above) I purchased a couple of his paintings a few years ago, including "Abiding Presence," with the thought in mind of having this art piece hanging over my desk. Then followed a tumultuous two year time of homelessness, so it's only just now that I get to enjoy "Abiding Presence" next to my desk. It reminds me of God's loving protection in showing me the way of escape through my dreams in the night season.
I'll share more about Moonlight Escape in my next article, but for now I just wanted to share with you a behind the scenes glimpse of what happens at Team Family Online.
If we are to learn to know each other, to trust each other, it means sharing our stories, the best we can.
It's a return to the Garden of Eden, that place of intimacy with God and with each other. Naked and Unashamed. The Bride of Christ is hurting in so many places today. Like me, trying to deal with fibromyalgia… you know? It's like, "don't touch me there… or there… or there… because it literally hurts all over!"
I love the church, the true Bride of Christ. I believe the Wedding Feast is fast approaching and that our Bridegroom, King Jesus is nearly here. This is a time of Bridal Preparation… we are dealing with the spots, wrinkles, and stains. It's Christ himself who is in charge of this clean up, as we simply learn to rest in His presence. (Abiding Presence).
With all my heart, I believe He is making us WHOLE, and that He's using the little people like you and me to establish His Throne here on earth, which is founded on righteousness and justice. He delights in using the "foolish" people of the world to confound the "wise". Up is down and down is up, like Alice falling down the rabbit hole.
How we tell our stories to each other builds this world. With God, we are creating our world, individually and corporately. We are rebuilding our lives following sociopathic abuse, a spiritual terrorism that for the large part goes unheard and unseen behind closed doors. It takes a team on your side to make this transition. And that's why teamFAMILYonline.com is here.
How about you? Can you relate to this feeling of preparation, the washing out of the spots, stains, and wrinkles in the Church, the true Bride of Christ? What does it feel like to you?
With all my love,
Sue
PS This story is dedicated to Kimberly and Josh Dimick, who picked up my bleeding body off the ground and carried me into the Shelter of the Most High, tenderly nursing my wounds, and calling me by Name… restoring my identity and calling me back to my purpose. Their story and influence marked me for life, and because of them, in large part, teamFamilyonline.com is here. Okay, I'm off to mow the lawn now… 🙂
American Jesus and Terrorism on the Family
By: Susan Deborah Schiller
From an old journal…. a contemplation on American Jesus and how similar he is to a terrorist.
December 6, 2011
In this town, if you share your story watch out. They worship an American Jesus here, but he's not much like the man who walked the hills of Judea or the streets of Nazareth. If you don't have much money, beware… employers, especially the Christian bosses, offer jobs with sexual conditions attached… you WILL be exploited for all you're worth, not just in one part of town, but it's pervasive throughout the whole county. It's particularly nasty among the Christian businesses and churches.
Listening and learning from the stories of other women, I understand that what we've experienced, in reality, is "terrorism" at home. Home – the place that is created to be a safe haven.
Family is the backbone of society.
While the world's governments spend billions of dollars on fighting global terrorism, we are neglecting the worst source of terrorism, right here in our homes. If we fought as hard to protect our families, I believe the rest of the world's problems would disappear… seriously.
My first husband used to call it a "game". He actually explained it to me one day – how to manipulate and control people so they don't even know it's happening to them. He was proud of his expertise. I think he wanted to impress me, or to intimidate me. But I was disgusted… appalled.
The day after 911 happened, in a state of awe, my husband told me, "Sue, I'm horrified that more people didn't die in the Twin Towers. We should have seen more deaths. I'm so disappointed. Then there's this other side of me that's horrified that I wanted to see more deaths."
What do you do with an intimate family member, a Christian leader, who is secretly fascinated by torture, ruin, and death?
In a calm, matter-of-fact voice, he said, "Sue, I have this picture of me using piano wire to slice off your breasts…." and I won't type the rest of the picture, but there was more.
Whenever he shared things like this, it was always in a "reasonable and calm" voice.
After the divorce, he turned our three children (all teenagers) against me. He played the hurt, abused man to the hilt. He turned the childen against me. My eldest daughter, age 17 at the time, called me a maniac, a mental case, etc. I know she was just dishing up what her father had served her, a toxic brew of lies.
That is pure terrorism… to turn children against their mother… to hold their souls captive.
The church openly supports the abusers, while blaming the victims. My pastor said to me, "Can't you just have more grace?"
When a victim is isolated and subjected to unrelenting terrorist tactics she becomes prey to the next cannibal who wants to lick the bones left over from the first cannibal. I'm afraid that's all my second husband had when we married… my bones. I was so dead in my spirit, crying nearly all the time.
As I look back on the past 30-years, there has been no rest.
I am working but it's not enough to live on, just barely enough to cover the bills, but usually not quite enough… like, it's enough as long as you don't really eat, that kind of "enough". And I try not to drive anywhere… that kind of "enough". Poverty.
I feel like "road kill" here. My first month in this town a very nice man, a motel owner and pastor – a missionary – befriended me. He said God told him to provide a "safe refuge" for me. He literally chased me down everywhere I went, but in a "fatherly" way.
This pastor, also a missionary as well as business owner, explained the reason he chased me down was because he knew I was terribly abused and was being hunted by bad people and he called himself a "bounty hunter for the Lord". An older man, I began to trust him, for he talked always about the love of God. He was always reading godly books and telling me about what he was learning. He preached every Sunday morning and it was always about love.
I truly thought God had brought me to a safe place! But then he fell in love with me, or so he said, at the very end.
I told him I could not be or do what he wanted. I felt like a bird trapped in a cage. By then he had given me a job and an apartment. His wife had me terminated and evicted. Everyone at the motel and nearby RV park knew what had happened and they knew I was innocent. They saw it all. So one of them arranged for temporary housing, along a river, in the yard of a woman who was good friends with the motel owner.
Once again, I thought God had brought me to a safe place! But the motel owner became angry at me. He perceived it as a personal rejection.
It was so upside down and totally confusing to me. I couldn't even think straight at that time.
Another homeless woman had just found an old run-down trailer to live in along the edge of a hayfield. She invited me to join her, so I went to live in the hayfield. I purchased a 1976 15-foot camper… and for the first time had a "safe place". I rarely go anywhere except to the pools and work.
There are other women out here who feel isolated…. they don't talk to anyone. They live like me, just trying not to be eaten by the wolves.
That's what this town is like, a place of great fear. One of these women, a well educated lady, is friends with a local neurologist, who told her that 50% of the people in this town are bi-polar. Census data confirms that the majority of the people living here depend on social security as their primary income.
It's extraordinarily beautiful here…. canyons, mountains, trees, sunshine 300-days of the year, hot mineral springs…. but the town is full of predators.
One of my first days working, I was being trained by a woman who told me that my coming to the hotel was her answer to prayer. She began to share her life story with me. And last night, another co-worker also began sharing her life story with me…
People are suffering so much here. It's just love, they need. They need to be seen, to be heard.
Listening is an act of anti-terrorism, and loving these wounded ones is what the real Jesus would do.
From the depths of my heart I want to shed these layers of pain and grief and help set some captives free right here in this predator-filled town. I want to let my Light shine again… I want to confront, head-on, these predators! Just my heart talking…. just the anger coming out. I'm a lioness arising.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Note from the future: It's now four years past these events, and I am writing and confronting the predators, one-by-one. Sometimes publicly, other times privately. People ask me why don't I just move on and quietly live a normal life. Well, I can't… because there are so many today, who like me, are stuck in a hole.
They need my voice. They need your voice. They need us to rise up… because each one of us who rises up makes it easier for them for them to rise up.
What has been the result, since I began telling my story? This very town is now becoming a place of true community, in places. "Love one another" is not just a catch phrase adopted from Jesus, but a continual feast of actions and words that ae feeding and nurturing souls. The tortured are becoming healers. In saying this, I don't take credit for the changes, but I rejoice in the power of Truth and Love to change lives and make people whole from the inside out.
I will keep telling my story because social justice begins with letting the victims speak and listening is an act of anti-terrorism. This is one way to heal the heart of the family, and that is my mission, because family is the backbone of society.
My Full Story What I Believe Contact Me
With all my love,
Sue
Copyright © 2010 to 2015 Team Family Online, All rights reserved. For reprint permission or for any private or commercial use, in any form of media, please contact Susan Schiller.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
You truly are a strong woman Susan, and it is wonderful for you to share your story. I've never experienced anything close to what you've experienced, so it's difficult for me to relate. I look at your picture and I see a woman who has found the strength within, who is beautiful inside and out, and who perseveres through the most difficult times. Just imagine if everyone had your strength and understanding. Our world would have even more beauty. Thank you for sharing. 🙂
You are a woman of powerful words, Keri – your life coaching clients are very fortunate to have you. Genuine compassion is needed in this world, I agree – and thank you for your encouraging words! 🙂