10 Red Flags You May Be Marrying A Sociopath

True… you may also find Henry Cloud’s description of the three different kinds of people:

ome people are WISE, some are FOOLS, and some are are EVIL. … The reality is also, all of us have all of these parts (and some make a career out of them).

WISE

When light comes to them, that person adjusts themselves to match the light. When truth comes, they change something. “Correct a wise person, and he will be wiser still.”

Another quality is that they smile, and thank you when you give them feedback! When asked, “Would you like some feedback?” the WISE will say, “Yeah, give me a gift.”

So, what do you do with the WISE? Talk to them, feedback, resource them, etc! …

FOOL

A fool is basically someone who is gifted, talented, producing… but…

When the light shows up, they adjust the light. They try to dim the light, and adjust the truth. The FOOL will try to change the truth (minimize it, excuse it) or shoot the messenger. They deny it’s reality, they minimize, externalize it, shoot the messenger, and you don’t get a smiley face, and a lot of the times they get angry, and have the meeting after the meeting, triangulation, and now you’re the problem, and they split the company/organization. And every time you talk to a person like this, they do not own it.

Here’s what the Bible says, and here’s what all research supports: Do not confront or correct a fool, lest you incur insults upon yourself. Stop talking!

Let’s talk, rather, about how talking doesn’t help. You can say to the foolish person: “I want to know how I can talk to you so that what I talk to you makes a difference.” It may be that they are foolish for shamed reasons. If they reveal this, you can ask yourself: “What will I do if I talk to them about the need for them to change, and then it doesn’t happen (they don’t change). I want to plan for the conversation after this conversation if there are non-effective consequences. Fools do not change when truth comes to them, they change when they must camp out in truth, and the pain of change is less than the pain of not.

There is great hope for fools. Fools you can change. But this takes guts. Sometimes these are the hardest calls to make.

Limit your exposure, make it clear about the consequences, give them a choice, then follow through. “You know what we need … is someone who will listen to truth and reality. I hope you’re that person.”

EVIL

They have destruction in their hearts and they want to inflict pain. It’s hard for optimistic people to believe this, but there really are bad people in this world. You can’t talk to them, you can’t fix them.

Here, you have lawyers, guns, and $. Sometimes you have to call the police.

 You can  read Cloud’s original teaching here or watch it on Vimeo.

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Your words are true, Cyndi. We have lived in a primarily misogynistic world, a world where men have stastically and traditionally held the most power. I know men who have endured abusive women in their lives, and I grieve for the pain they have endured. When they leave, or are left, it’s a bit easier for men to manage restarting life. It’s just the world we live in. I focus on reaching women who are in abusive relationships, but you are definitely right – in fact, some women can be even worse abusers than men.

When I consider Christ’s love for the church, His bride, I read in Ephesians 5 how he lays down his life for his bride. He demonstrated that kind of love when he went to the cross. Men are created to be stronger, mentally and physically. They are designed to receive even more strength directly from God, their source. Women are not lesser and are equal to men, in terms of personhood, but we are generally weaker and more vulnerable. We are designed to be protected and nurtured. We are designed to lay down our lives for our children.

There is an order of Christ –> Husband –> Wife –> Children. It’s not hierarchial so much as protective and nurturing.

When a wife becomes an abuser the husband is called upon to lay down his life for her, and in so doing, his own life is protected and nurtured. Many men today are not truly men, but they are children looking for their wives to protect and nuture them. There are far more men who are immature today than there are mature men who are Christlike in their love for their wives. We live in a cold, dark world – and that’s the current reality.

If I were to write an article that would safeguard a man from marrying a potentially abusive woman, I would encourage the man to first look to himself, and to ask himself if he is ready to bear his wife’s burdens. If the woman he is thinking of marrying is carrying a heavy load, if she bears the signs of being abused, if she has a history of depression or mental anguish, those are red flags he should be aware of. For this woman will need him to lay down his life for her, as Christ did for us. 

He may get bloodied, bruised, and broken on her behalf. He may suffer while bearing her burdens. But he doesn’t do it alone. Just as a woman bears burdens for her children and suffers greatly while they are growing up. She nurtures her children from her own body’s resources via uterus and breast. She wakes up in the night to calm her child’s fears. She bends over to pick her toddler up. She carries her nursing child everywhere she goes. Such is the love we have the privilege of learning to give, in marriage and family.

A man is designed to work outside of the home, whether in the fields or in industry or an office or wherever…. he doesn’t have the same opportunities to lay down his life for his family, but for his bride… yes. Wherever he during the day he can be praying for her, planning surprises, or sending her romantic texts. The woman usually does these things naturally (not always), but she is designed to RESPOND to love.

A woman is a responder. Sometimes a wife become bitter because her husband refuses to mature. Ten years into the marriage and three children born, and he’s avoiding responsibilities like the plague. The wife is left with everything: discipline, income generations, and daily care. She may become angry, bitter, and verbally abusive. In those cases, the husband can choose to rise up, to take on the heavier load, and to love his wife to life.

I know there are a minority of women who are so far beyond responding to love, no matter how mature the man is. It’s incredibly sad to see the suffering that happens when a woman becomes abusive. She has chosen to no longer care, to go numb, to live a sub-human life. Yet, there is still hope. It’s a rare husband who could see beyond his wife’s aggression into the core of her wounded heart.

Likewise, an abusive man is usually very insecure and has been wounded himself, usually in childhood. But a woman is not designed to heal her husband’s heart. She is designed to be a helpmeet – someone who sees his potential and speaks life into him… but she is not called to lay down her life for him, as she does for her children. The line of authority must stay in tact, according to Ephesians 5, which shows us how the family is designed to cooperate.

I don’t have all the answers, Cyndi, but I do know that many of us need to be loved to life. Women are built differently than men. We are responders. As head of the home, men are intiators. If a man has an abusive wife he has options. He can choose to lay down his life for his bride. He can get counseling. He can demonstrate agape love. Or he can leave in a gracious way. His pain will be great, and I don’t want to minimize the suffering of such a man, but when I look at the possibility of this man laying down his life for his wife, I see so much potential for them both.

Most counselors, especially Christian counselors, do not understand pathological relationships. If you depend on common Christian teaching for marriage and family, you will fail in a painful way, most likely. Most of us have gone that route and it’s a hopeless dead end. Pathological relationships do not respond to normal counseling. It takes a wise counselor who understands pathological relationships… psychologically and spiritually, combined.

What it boils down to, Cyndi, I believe, is that whether we are male or female victims, we want to rise up. We don’t need to remain victims. 

I value your thoughts and feelings… other opinions than mine are welcome here!

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If not for us, for the next generation, we need to share our life’s lessons. I’m looking forward to reading your stories, Linda! 🙂

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